I recently went to my first play party. I had a really fun time but struggled with something I don’t think should’ve happened.

Wait, what’s a play party?

A play party, for those who don’t know, can also be called an orgy. In my opinion, that’s a really limited view of what happens. It’s a social event that can involve kink, BDSM, and sexual activity. Attendees can spend time catching up or participate in play going on.

Sometimes this can be limited by requiring a membership, being in the know, etc. Since we were at a sexuality conference, I knew or at least knew of most people who were there. A couple I had met briefly the day before was really the only exception. I felt safe and comfortable, although slightly nervous about being at my first event.

Setting the scene

Being unsure about being in the middle of my first play party, I hung towards the back for a while. I’m an ambivert but find myself going more introverted in situations that are new to me.

The couple I’d recently met spent time with me and I found them pleasant to talk with. The husband asked if he could flirt with me which I was fine with, though I didn’t feel he was actually flirting with me. Everyone has a different definition of flirting and I’ve found a lot of people think that’s pleasant conversation versus compliments, etc.

He then asked if I was interested in anything else. I explained that I’m really new to this and want to take things slowly. Other than impact play that I’ve done before and flirting, I wasn’t really interested in doing more at this play party. While I shouldn’t have needed to explain, I did – it’s something I do even for the smallest things. Growing up in an abusive household, I needed an explanation for the tiniest things.

Eventually, I went over and was talking to friends and spending time with them. We were getting closer to the end of the party. After they talked together, the wife of this couple came over to proposition me. The husband was watching and it felt… slimy-ish? I said no thanks, that I wasn’t in that sort of place right now.

Within 20 minutes, the two of them came up to me together after again conferring. I was invited back to their room but declined the invitation. At this point, I began to get uncomfortable. The husband pushed further asking if I would be interested in watching them play together in their room, etc. I once again explained that I wasn’t ready for those kinds of things.

I did then participate in play a little right at the end of the night. A friend flogged me and it was so amazing. This couple was very intently watching, but I was able to shake my feelings about that once the flogging started.

The aftermath

The next morning, I presented a panel which went super well. As I was packing up to head to grab some food, the husband approached me again to apologize for the night before. He blamed it on alcohol… which essentially blamed this all on his wife because he doesn’t drink.

If I hadn’t already felt awkward about the situation, that definitely did it. I’ve already been groomed to be a people pleaser, so telling these people no in the first place was hard. To have to do it at a conference full of sex educators was odd as well, even if the couple involved were there because of friends and not for their jobs.

Rooming with amazing people, I was able to talk through some of my feelings that day. None of us felt great about that. I am very lucky to have had other amazing chronically ill sex educators to room with who completely got why I felt iffy about the whole thing.

They then followed me across social media, tried to add me on FB, and sent me a few messages. By they, I, of course, mean the husband from joint social accounts. I was honestly concerned that I was going to run into them at my workshop a few weeks later back in Toronto because of that, but they didn’t come to that.

I’ve now blocked them on everything (as far as I know) so I feel safer discussing this. I’ve also had time to talk to my therapist and my friends to process this.

Play parties respect boundaries

I think the biggest thing I’m struggling with is the lack of recognition and respect for my boundaries. It’s a new feeling since boundaries are something I didn’t grow up with. To go from having no boundaries growing up or even minimal boundaries ten years ago to trusting my instincts here? That’s really big for me.

No shouldn’t need an explanation. It especially shouldn’t need one at a play party that’s a safe space and full of other educators and sex-positive people. And I shouldn’t have to say no several times. Pressuring someone into sexual activity is not okay, ever.

If someone has said no to you about taking part in sexual activity with them, do not ask again.