In the mornings, I go through and schedule social media posts. It isn’t every morning anymore – more like every couple – but it’s still a habit. It helps with gathering stuff up for LUOF, here, and more.

I had a lot on my mind this morning when I went to schedule. When I came across this piece, it really hit home.

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/its-okay-to-change-after-a-difficult-thing-has-happened/

I’ve changed since the 2016 presidential election. I had to.

Right before the election, I came out about my gender and sexuality. I was so confident in myself and that things were changing for the better that I got cocky about showing the world more of my authentic self.

Some of the changes before the election were forced ones on my part. I wanted people to see me the same way they saw other patients or sex educators. I wanted my dad and his family to like me. It was clear to me that people didn’t want someone fighting for justice – they wanted someone who never got angry.

That whole time I tried to be chill and go with the flow for everyone else, I was struggling. My pain was so bad (not that it’s ever great). I felt like I had to become someone else to make others comfortable, just like I had done for my mother my whole life. Instead of being myself, I was hiding for the benefits of others.

The election

I spent the night of the election in bed, sobbing uncontrollably. Being a genderfluid/trans, pan/queer, disabled, abuse surviving sex educator – and being out about all of it – scared me. I wasn’t scared because of people I knew – yet – but those like You-Know-Who that refused to see me as a human being.

Then, of course, I learned about the views of people I thought I knew – that I thought were my friends. Instead of kindness, love, and compassion, I was met with hostility from people I would’ve done anything for. One friend acted like their queer and trans friends needed to grow up and stop whining. A few months later when You-Know-Who started seriously shit for my communities, that person reached out to apologize. I realized I didn’t need them in my life, especially when they misgender people and then get upset people don’t cut them slack years down the line.

Others quickly grew tired of me talking about privilege and justice. In trying to educate cishet people about what the rest of us face, I was somehow being ‘exclusionary.’ By trying to use my privileges to address racism, colorism, poverty, and more, I was apparently making people with the same privileges uncomfortable.

Moving on

I feared most the things that have come to pass. It’s been a fight to not be run over by this administration. To get shit from friends for being my authentic self is hard.

This stuff all hurts. It shreds my soul like its a soft cheese. On top of that, it’s exhausting to wake up ready to fight every single day. It’s draining and rough.

This has taken nearly two years to talk about it for a reason.

There’s a great quote that I try to remember when people tell me shitty things:

“When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression”.

The white, middle-aged, middle-class, cishet patient advocates that get upset about me calling discrimination what it is have to learn to grow. They have to move past their privilege and into uncomfortable spaces. Instead of focusing only on advocacy for themselves and their condition(s), they need to see the benefits of activism and fighting for justice.

In the spirit of Audre Lorde, I am not free while any person is unfree, even when their shackles are very different from my own.

So, yeah, I’ve changed since the election

I have – for the better. Instead of keeping quiet about what bothers me, I speak up. I talk about being abused in the patient community and how upset it makes me that others refuse to address it. I point out when people are being bigoted or discriminatory in their views.

No one is perfect. I’m certainly not. I’m working on getting better about taking feedback. I wish I was better at it right now, but it’s a process. It’s not easy, especially when I had no foundation around handling emotions well. Of course, it doesn’t help that my depression and anxiety often manifest as anger.

As Tiffany points out in the piece above,

Getting through difficult things is by its nature – difficult. Changing is not a sign of weakness or flaw.

We shift, we change, we heal, we move on, we get stuck, we get stuck in the pursuit of moving on, we adapt, we falter… Making peace with yourself through all these journeys is so very important to loving yourself – to loving all of yourself.

Right now, I’m still working on change. And that’s okay.