A few years ago – when I was still doing talk therapy – I brought T with me a couple of times. I felt like there was tension we needed to talk out, and I was right. It just wasn’t the tension I was expecting.

TW for abuse, shitty parenting, emotional incest, self-harm

Growing up, I’ve always been that person who tries to cheer everyone up. It’s a habit that developed early in life. Living between two combative abusers, I learned very quickly that they were less likely to cause harm if they were happy. Naturally, then, anytime they were sad or upset, I would do my darnedest to cheer them up.

It’s a large part of why I’m such a sticker around rules, too. If rules are followed, rule-makers don’t harm us, right? (Of course, the political activist in me shudders at that sentence and wants to vomit, but it is what it is I guess?)

Of course, that also meant hiding a lot of my own feelings for the ‘benefit’ of others. For a long time, I had two moods – happy and brooding. When I was happy, I would dance to the latest radio pop and hip-hop songs. When I wasn’t, I listened to a lot of Linkin Park and the beginnings of screamo.

It’s hard to find healthy coping mechanisms in a space full of harm. When I got out and away from my family, I still had to deal with a lot of abuse. It wasn’t until four years ago when I cut contact with my mother that I actually was able to start healing.

The euphoria of that separation, of cutting off codependency and emotional incest, combined with getting married was something I was able to ride for a long time. As they always do, though, that high wore off. I began to realize that I wasn’t as healed as I thought. That’s when I started therapy which helped for a little while.

Cut back to this therapy appointment.

T had been down for some time. Our combined depression was getting rough to deal with. After bringing up concerns with my therapist for T’s mental health, he came to my next appointment.

“You get really annoying sometimes,” he said while sitting next to me on the couch. My defenses instantly went up because here is the man I love and recently married, and he thinks I’m annoying?

“When I’m sad,” he continued, “all you do is try to cheer me up. It feels like I’m not allowed to feel my feelings.”

He was right. I would make meals he liked on his rough days and follow him around like a puppy. His history of self-harm made me so afraid of leaving him alone for too long or letting him have introvert time. I let my fear override everything, and it dragged me back into the harmful habits I thought I’d ditched.

That was a few years ago. I could easily have clung to that bad habit but, instead, I grew. I recognized this habit, this inability to let myself or others be human.

Fast forward to today.

T and I have worked out code phrases and words to use to share feelings better. When he texts me that he’s having a bummy day at work, I know that’s code for a rough mental health day. It gives me the ability to ask if there’s anything I can do. I try to stick to that plan. Sometimes, I pick up surprises like a candy he likes. (I bet you can’t guess what one of my love languages is!)

If he is alone in the bedroom, I try to ask if he’d like company or alone time. I also try to be mindful of falling into the trap of fixing his feelings. I want to be someone he feels he can confide in without putting limits on what he’s allowed to feel. After all, we’re not just life partners – we’re best friends.

I’ve been able to take that idea of giving  space and just being here for someone to my other relationships, too. My best friend and I will ask each other what we need, whether that’s venting, comfort, or advice. It’s really helped me to foster better relationships full of love and respect.

As for my own feelings… well, I’m still working on those. It is hard to sit with discomfort sometimes, even if we’re experts at that because of chronic pain. It’s definitely not easy to sit with that when you feel like action needs to be taken. I’ve recently fallen back into the trap of acting before thinking things true. I hate it. I also know that it can hurt people.

Staying with feelings is hard.

As a society, we don’t really recognize the vast range of emotions. We see anger as something bad when, in reality, it isn’t. It’s perfectly okay to be angry. Feelings are hard things to decipher. Back when I only allowed myself two real moods, it was easy to decide between anger and happiness. Those two emotions are polar opposites!

Now that I’m sitting with my feelings more, though, I recognize that anger isn’t always anger. Sometimes, anger is grief or frustration or existential dread. I’ve really enjoyed using Kate Kenfield’s Tea and Empathy cards. The cards are a great way to expand our emotional vocabulary while be linguistically precise about how we feel. They also help remind us that we contain plural selves, as Meg-John Barker would say, and can feel many things at once.

Even though it hurt to hear that I was being harmful to my husband, for example, I was also grateful that he spoke up about it. If I didn’t realize I was doing harm, there was no way I would be able to change my behavior. I’ve been able to rebuild trust and learn how to communicate better, and there’s no amount of candy I can buy to show my appreciation for that.