In the kind of synchronicity that life throws sometimes throws at us, with in the same 12-month period I received a diagnosis of ADHD and both started and ended my first BDSM relationship with a Dominant partner. Coming in my early 40’s after a lifetime of underachievement in work and education, and overall bewilderment when it came to matters of the heart, the realisation that I was both kinky and neurodivergent has reshaped my life, and I’ve been fascinated to watch the interplay between the two.

Many people have stereotyped ideas about ADHD. The poster child for the condition will be a young boy who can’t keep still or quiet and has a surplus of energy, much to the irritation of those around him. The focus is very much still on the hyperactivity aspect, and less on the more internal aspects of the syndrome. It’s still less widely understood than it should be that ADHD is just as much about what’s going on inside as the behaviours that are visible externally.

As a young girl, I certainly didn’t fit the stereotype of the hyperactive Ritalin kid. I was talkative amongst friends but generally shy and dreamy. That tends to be the case with girls, which has led in the past to them being underdiagnosed in comparison to their male classmates. As I grew older, my difficulties in school led to patchy exam grades and dropping out of university. That was accompanied by depression, anxiety, disordered eating and eventually alcoholism – all of which are commonly co-morbid with ADHD.

Having given up alcohol and embraced recovery but still unaware of my condition, I expected life to get easier, less ‘unmanageable’, as the first of the 12 steps would have it. It didn’t happen. I was sober, but still chaotic as heck. I was disorganised, incapable of following through on plans, living amid piles of dirty clothes and unopened mail. The progress I made felt disproportionately hard-won. In many ways, at nearly a decade sober, I still felt like a goddamn mess.

It was at this point about three years ago, desperate to work out why I still felt so adrift, that I came to two conclusions:

on the one hand my brain really didn’t seem to work like other peoples’, and,

on the other, I was almost definitely kinky as all get out.

I’d been in denial about the latter for a long time. As I would later joke, when I hit 40, I could see Death beckoning and needed to start being honest with myself about who I was and what I wanted. So, I read a lot of Fetlife and got referred to a consultant. A year later found myself with a Dominant boyfriend and a diagnosis of ADHD (primarily inattentive type, moderately severe). That relationship didn’t last, but the diagnosis is for life.

As someone with a diagnosis of ADHD, there are lots of things about BDSM which give me a rest from my super-busy brain. My favourite is the effect that a really heavy impact scene will have on my thought processes: the feeling of calm and focus as I wait for a paddle to land beats anything I’ve managed to attain in years of committed meditation practise. By far the most relevant part of my kinky identity when it comes to ADHD is the realisation that I am not just sexually submissive but also deeply drawn to power exchange – to handing over control of everyday aspects of my life to a Dominant individual who is happy to take over that responsibility, for our mutual satisfaction.

So, what does a D/s (Dominant/ submissive) dynamic look like on a daily basis?

I might report in about what I’m eating, follow an order, hand over decisions about what I wear, etc. If I’ve given them authority over my sexual pleasure, invite my Dominant to decide when I masturbate and if I get to have an orgasm when I do. On any given day I might wake up, shower, and make sure I’m dressed by a certain time in the morning, and follow sleep and internet curfews.

When finishing my part-time study for my degree, my Dom and I would discuss how much work I would commit to doing that day. I’d check in when I was done. After a hard day’s work, I would be rewarded, generally with praise and/ or orgasms. On occasions when I didn’t do as agreed, I would be given a disappointed talking-to. My experience of this sort of relationship has mainly been long-distance, and so impact play hasn’t featured – as reward rather than punishment, I’m a masochist – but I’d love it if it did one day.

One of the things that appeals most about being in a D/s relationship is the accountability that goes with it. I tell my Dominant what’s going on in my life, and we cooperate to build a structure within which I can work and achieve. Wondering why this might work so well for me, I was interested to read the theories of ADHD guru Russell Barkley. Barkley posits that one of the main issues that characterises the disorder is a lack of executive function. That presents as a reduced ability to plan, prioritise, self-regulate and self-motivate.

One of Barkley’s suggested solutions to poor executive function is to acknowledge that people with ADHD struggle when their motivation for action is internal – when they rely solely on memory, self-control and self-direction. Barkley suggests that, instead, motivation should be externalised. He suggests using post-it notes and alarms. It’s obvious to me the combination of praise and reward on one hand and consequence on the other would fit this model.

This kind of dynamic works for me. I get to feel like doing very simple things simultaneously gives my Dominant pleasure and satisfaction. I feel held and supported within that structure, but it has its limitations. It only works if the kind of micromanagement required gives the other person in the relationship pleasure. Every D/s dynamic needs to serve the needs and desires of both people in it. Some Dominants would get absolutely no joy from holding the kind of structure that leaves me feeling fulfilled.

There are other ways in which D/s and ADHD can contradict each other. In the past, I have been asked to do things by a Dom and clean forgotten to do them. It’s not that I have been acting the Brat, rebelling or consciously neglecting to comply – it’s just that the request has clean fallen out of my head. The external motivation hasn’t sufficed in the face of my poor working memory.

This has led to some difficult conversations which have left me feeling like I was making excuses for my apparent lack of obedience. For the sake of my self-esteem, it’s important that my partner understands that I’m always doing my best and doesn’t go to a place where an assessment of my submission is governed by how well my brain chemistry is working that day. For me, the natural response to that is to berate myself for being a ‘bad’ submissive (obviously there’s no such thing, but I struggle with such beliefs sometimes) and a failing human and for not trying harder. In my lifelong experience, as a treatment modality for ADHD ‘try harder to do the thing’ has proven deeply sub-optimal.

And it’s become apparent to me that it’s both a useful and enjoyable way to work with my limitations. I can’t entirely rely on being in a D/s dynamic and having structure imposed externally. While I may have a diagnosis, I’m also a grown-ass woman. I cannot rely on another flawed and fallible human to keep me moving forward. That’s neither fair nor realistic. I have to own the responsibility for managing my condition myself whether I’m following my Dom’s lead or not. For me, that means that D/s is, in the end, just one piece of a jigsaw puzzle. Other vital pieces include good sleep, yoga, meditation, therapy, self-help groups, and diet.

An important piece of this jigsaw which I’m still struggling with is medication. Ritalin derivatives have greatly improved my executive function. Every one I’ve tried so far, though, has also had unpleasant side-effects like palpitations and panic attacks. I’m still on the search for a formulation that works to my satisfaction. Fingers crossed that Equasym is the one.

Because, here I am, writing an article which I’m hoping to have in on deadline (fingers crossed!). My hair is washed, and bills are paid. I have a full-time job to which I mostly turn up on time. My living quarters are still an absolute tip, but it’s progress not perfection.

I’m doing all of this as a single submissive with a prescription, and I’m getting by. I don’t need a Dom to live an acceptably productive life by any means. Still, as I walk across the stage to graduate next week, I’ll be thanking both Sir and Ritalin for getting me there.

For more about executive function, read Barkley’s The Important Role of Executive Functioning and Self-Regulation in ADHD.

Joy Asitflies is a 43-year-old writer from the UK. She writes about sex, kink, love, body image, ADHD, addiction and recovery. Her writing can be found at http://bestillmybeatenparts.blog and her Twitter is @bestillmybeaten. She tweets a lot and feels happy blaming ADHD-related hyperfocus for that. Although she has never read an entire Harry Potter book, she is reliably informed she is ‘extremely Ravenclaw’, which is a good thing, right?