Today, I’m joined by my friend Amy. She writes at coffeeandkink.me. You can find her cute merch at http://coffeeandkink.me/merchandise-shop/ and her Patreon at patreon.com/coffeeandkink. Please check below for other links to check out on her site:
The disabled kinkster guest piece we discussed: http://coffeeandkink.me/2018/03/28/disabled-kinkster-pippin-strange/
Amy’s Smutathon: http://coffeeandkink.me/2018/06/29/smutathon-2018/
Dr. Emma Sheppard’s work: https://ladylikepunk.wordpress.com/
Some health updates and my latest newsletter: eepurl.com/dGeXgL
TeePublic store: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/chronic-sex
Transcript
Welcome, so the chronic sex podcasts, chronic sex talks about how self love relationships, sex and sexuality are all effected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more. Give you a range of subject matter. This podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18 and Melissa had. You probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I’m your host.
Hi, my loves. How are you? I missed you so much. Um, I first just want to take a minute to apologize. It’s been a minute since there was a new episode. Um, my health got really scary. I’m not gonna lie. Things got really scary for a little bit and um, I needed to take time and step back and handle that kind of the biggest thing. Um, I had a lot of tests that I just underwent from an endoscopy and colonoscopy to swallow tests and heart monitors. Um, and you know, there’s been a lot that’s come out of that kind of. The biggest thing is we know I have a very rapid and irregular heartbeat, which is kind of terrifying and I need to message my rheumatologist about a referral she offered to cardiology, which I’m not doing because I’m scared and maybe now that I said it out loud, uh, people will think it’s something we need to handle, keep me accountable, but I’m a have also been diagnosed with a swallowing disorder, which means I need to use straws, which means using plastic straws.
So I’ve been dealing with Internet scuffle around that. Um, and, you know, just just kind of allowed life things. I went to the Poly Dallas Conference, I think that was, yeah, that, that was in this time period without an episode. And, um, had a wonderful time. I got to meet some of my favorite people. I’m in the entire world while I was there, including Robin Wilson Beattie who is just a fantastic person and I love her to death. She writes under the handle sexabled. So go find her because she’s amazing. But I’m throughout kind of being there, spending time with my college best friend. All of these things, I’m also realizing that my symptoms line up with mast cell activation syndrome, which I am on medication for now and I actually have like a schedule that’s getting to where I don’t have horrifying allergic reactions everyday, which is really nice.
I could, I could keep that, I can keep doing that. But uh, that’s kind of the big stuff that’s kind of been going on here. And, and why I haven’t been around swim. Sorry. Um, the other good news is now the podcast is back and the chat is back as well, so make sure that you go to Hashtag chronic sex on twitter. Thursday evenings at 8:00 PM Eastern, which is 5:00 PM Pacific and I restarted the chat will last week. Um, I had some friends from the beautiful bodies podcast join in and cohost and it was a lot of fun. We talked about body positivity and I’m not sure what I’m doing for this week. I realize it’s Wednesday night as I’m recording this and this goes up on Thursday and chat is Thursday night. I’ll figure it out. This is what happens. I wing a lot of stuff now, you know, my secret, I’m a couple of exciting things that have gone on in the last couple of weeks to, um, the first is I actually got the email today that I’m a finalist for the wego health activists awards in the best in show blog category. So they’ve narrowed down from literally thousands of people down to five of us and I made the five, which is weird. It’s very odd. I’m grateful. I know I put in a lot of work on things, but my imposter syndrome is kicking in big time. Don’t know how I got this, but it’s cool. It’s good. I’m celebrating it.
It’s kind of interesting since I haven’t been hanging around the same people and you know, promoting that. So that’s part of why it feels surprising to me. Um, you know, the one year I don’t really pay attention to the awards. I like wind up being a finalist, but I think that also shows the power of paving your own path and, uh, doing your own thing and not worrying about what everyone else is doing, which is nice. Um, if you haven’t seen, I’ve been quoted in a couple of articles, one from bustle, about eight things you should never say to someone with a chronic health condition and another from everyday feminism, although I think I talked about this one already about how the institution of marriage is really ableist. So I’ll put links to those in the show notes for your perusal. The last really big thing is that I wrote part of a chapter that’s in a book that just came out, um, what it’s from and why you press.
And um, I think I said NYC press at something the other day was just why I’m stammering. It’s fine, but it’s a book called Bios citizenship, the politics of bodies governance and power. The rest, the book looks absolutely amazing. I’m thrilled to have gotten a free copy for writing my part. Um, I wrote it so long ago that it’s also weird to like read it and go, wow, that’s really good. And they go, no, you wrote that it’s okay to be proud of, um, but I’m super eager to do through it and I’m really grateful to my friend marina who is one of the editors of the book for asking a couple of patients to include our voices around like ownership of patient data and what it means to be an engaged patient and all that stuff. It’s really fun. Um, at one quick thing to plug before we kind of dive into the episode is um, upcoming event on September 16th from 10:00 AM to noon.
I am doing a free workshop at Smitten kitten in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I’m, it’s the hurts. So good workshop, which is kind of just around how chronic pain, chronic illness, disability kind of fucked our sex lives and even in some ways we don’t think of. And then what we can do to fight against that and not let you know those things. Touch our intimate lives as much as possible. It’s really fun. I really love spending time with smitten kitten. And um, all of my friends that live in Minneapolis, it’s like a three and a half, four hour drive for me, but it seems much quicker than the like two hour drive to downtown Milwaukee or the three hour drive to Chicago. It just feels close. The scenery’s beautiful. I have a great time when I’m there. I’m, I always eat parkway pizza. It’s my absolute favorite and I’m really thrilled to be there.
This workshop is free, but you do have to save a spot, so you need to Rsvp and you can do that by emailing info@smittenkittenonline.com or by calling six. One, two seven, two, one six, zero eight, eight. Um, this is an interesting thing that’s never happened to me before, but um, we weren’t actually going to have this workshop because we already had another iteration of it in August and it filled up in a week. So I’m very excited to be, um, so wanted to have people want to talk about this topic I think is so important. And um, they are potentially talking about bringing me back in October as well. So keep that in mind if you’re not able to attend this one. I think the one last big thing, and then I actually will get to the episode is I just created a t public store and like by just, I mean within the last six hours, so it’s not super set up yet, but if you go to t public s, t e e P U B l i c .com/stores/chronic-sex, um, you will be able to find it.
right now it’s just kind of like designs that I like and that I think fit for our community. So, um, there’s a lot of sexy things in there. There’s Unicorns, there’s Rainbow Dash, um, there’s a, there’s one that’s like rainbow dash is hair and it was queer as fuck. And I’m so here for it. Um, there are also great shirts and there by people like Bree Mae. And Annie Segarra who are some of my absolute favorite, um, chronic illness and disability advocates. So definitely check that out. I will put the link in the show notes for you to peruse. Eventually I’m going to have my own shirts on there as well and you can snag merge, so that’ll be easy and I’m freaking out, but it’s a good freak out.
Okay. So, uh, with, with all that said this week, I am talking to my friend Amy, she blogs out a site called coffee and kink dot me. She also has a Patreon patreon.com/coffee and kink. And the episode today was really fun to um, to record. I had a blast. We had about half an hour of technical issues, um, before we got to recording, but it was absolutely one of the funniest episodes I’ve ever recorded and, amy’s just fantastic. I highly suggest going and checking out her work. Especially one of the things that she does a lot of is writing erotica and she says she doesn’t really like to do it because it’s like she’s worried about kind of how she’s writing it or she feels a lot of pressure to write it well and all that stuff. We talk about it in the episode, but it’s really good. I don’t really read erotica that much, so maybe my opinion’s not super useful, but it’s really good. Um, and definitely make sure you listen for the end of the episode. We talk about this smart athon project that she’s run a couple of years in a row now and it’s definitely something that I think everybody should hear because it was really cool. All right. With that said, I will turn it over to past me and amy,
I am so happy to have you on the show today. Amy, how are you?
I’m really good. Thank you so much for having me. This is very exciting.
You know, I’m so excited. I woke up this morning and was like, it’s Saturday. I get to talk to Amy.
Oh Wow. I hope I can live up to expectations.
Well, uh, our, our technical journey has been interesting this morning, so it’s already off to an interesting start. Interesting isn’t bad for people who don’t know you, even though they absolutely should. Um, what can you tell them about yourselves? Like what, what do you, um, like to write about what’s your site? How did you start blogging? All of that fun stuff.
Oh Gosh. Okay. Wow. All of that stuff and all of it, but you know, um, yeah. So, um, my name is Amy Norton. I’m a sex blogger, sex writer, erotica author. Yeah, all of that stuff. My site is called coffee and kink because they are my two favorite things. So it’s coffee and kink dot m e. I’m on the blog is on there and there’s also kind of resources and, and bits and bobs for people who are looking at getting into sort of Bdsm, sex king, all of that kind of stuff. And I have always been a writer. I have been writing stories for as long as I can remember. I did a bachelor’s degree and their master’s degree in creative writing and hopefully doing a phd in creative writing soon, which is really exciting. Um, and uh, it was kind of amazing really. Now I look back, but it took me until the age of 26 to think I’m fascinated by sex and I’m a writer, sex blog.
Um, but, but that’s what happened a few years ago. I was writing a blog regularly about my adventures in polyamory and non monogamy. Um, and I took that one down in the end for various reasons, um, largely because a lot of the stuff on it was about a particular relationship that ended very, very badly, um, and took a couple of years off blogging that was fine, but then I really wanted to get back into it. So I’m just suddenly decided one day I’m going to start a blog and see what happens and, and it, it took off in a way that I never really expected it to, which is bizarre and amazing. But I’m having a lot of fun and I love it.
You are such a fantastic writer. I was reading some of your erotica that you’ve written on there and got a little hot and bothered this morning. It was, it was, it was a really nice surprise, you know, um, and it’s just written so well. Um, and I absolutely love the variety that you have on your site. Um, you know, from the erotica to toy reviews to um, how would I handle a scene in bdsm if you goofed up and just some of these amazing resources that I think we really need in the sex Ed community, in the kink community. Um, and it’s just amazing to me. I know that this has taken off really quickly for you, but it’s also somehow amazing to me that you’re not even bigger than you are, you know, like reading your stuff. I’m like, oh my God, this needs to get so much more exposure and really wonderful
much. I really appreciate that. Um, yeah, I do. I do a bigger variety of stuff now than I initially set out to do. Um, my initial idea was to be very much a sort of, um, kind of very kind of kink and bdsm focused and just stick with that and do sort of advice posts and a little bit about my personal experiences and leave it at that. I’m never planned to do toy reviews that I wasn’t gonna do toy reviews. And then that ended up happening. I’m never really massively intended to do much fiction on them and then that took off as well, so there’s a lot more to it now than I thought that was going to pay, but I think that’s good because this kind of something one and some people come through the reviews and that’s it. Some people like fiction, some people just want the advice. Um, there’s probably some poor soul out there who reads every single word I ever. Right. And whoever you are, I love you. Um, but you know, there’s kind of. Yeah, something for everyone. That’s what I, that’s what I go for anyway.
Yeah, it’s really amazing. I’m also to see how much your partners involved. Uh, I really don’t.
Oh, bless him. He’s so supportive and wonderful.
It was absolutely fantastic. Um, I know that for toy reviews that I’ve done, people have asked like if I’d be open to, you know, testing a penis oriented toy with my partner and I actually honestly haven’t figured out how to broach that conversation with him, but to see that like your partner is so supportive in that way and so invested in this work that you’re doing is absolutely fantastic.
Yeah, he is, he’s amazing. I mean we, when, when I first obviously I’ve been writing for a lot longer than I’ve been. I’ve known him and he’s always been kind of supportive of that. But um, when I started the blog it was really easy to remember my blog anniversary because it was actually New Year’s eve and he, we were staying in because we’re boring like that. And he was, he was working and I was writing this blog post and he, he came in at one point and I said, hey babe, I started a sex blog and he just kind of looked to me when. Oh, okay, cool. Fun with that. And then when I started doing the toy reviews and wanting to test things, kind of with him, he was very supportive and very happy to very happy to put odd things on his genitals and the name of journalism. And now I’ve just thinks it’s really funny. Um, you know, I get like boxes and boxes of toys shipped to me and he just, he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’ll just be like, you got another vibrator and the post again.
That’s awesome. Yeah,
slightly awkward. We went on holiday and a post at a parcel of toys in, addressed to me in my blog and name arrived in his mother intercepted debts.
Oh,
it was. She, she just takes us as much as possible here for Amy Norton and which is not my legal name, funnily enough. And um, and we, we, we just kind of looked at each other and went, oh fuck. But we just said we were holding it for a friend and it was fired or she hasn’t asked anymore questions. So we figured it’s probably. Yeah. Awkward questions about it.
Good. That’s good. That would be mortified. Oh my gosh. I’m so, I, I was playing on your site because that’s what I do. And um, you noticed how many posts you have on there about like group sex and being polyamorous and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing kind of your journey to polyamory?
Yeah, absolutely. So I have never actually been in a monogamous relationship as an adult. That’s awesome. Um, I, my first longterm partner, we were together for six years and we were engaged for a while. Um, I mean we were together from when I was 15, um, and when I was 18, he was a couple of years older. When I was 18 we opened up our relationship, um, initially in quite a limited capacity. Um, originally the point of it was I’d sort of started to realize that I was bisexual and that I wanted to explore, um, relationships with women and that was fine. Um, so we sort of opened up initially in that capacity and I started dating a woman who I was when I was seeing for a few months. Um, and then it just kind of went from, from there really. And eventually we sort of took the, the sort of small steps to get there, but eventually we got to the point where we were pretty much completely open, um, and that relationship ended and I’ve had a couple of others since then, including one sort of very long term prior to my current partner who was known as Mr c Dot k on the blog because I’m not very good at coming up with Hillary’s nicknames.
Um, and we’ve been, we’ve been open since the beginning. We’ve always the kind of form that that takes has evolved over the years. I mean now we live together. We’re not legally married, but we, we are in all but law, we live as if we are, um, and um, but when we started out we were long distance. We lived 100 miles apart and only saw each other on weekends. So it was very different than to how it looks now. Um, but yeah, it, it works well. I think we’ve come to a good place.
That’s really cool. I like that. That’s kind of been your norm to.
Yeah, it’s just, it always has been. I don’t think that I could be in a close relationship now. I don’t think I could be happy in a completely closed relationship. There’s just, I mean, I really value commitments and longterm relationships and those kinds of very sort of entangled. Um, yeah. So, you know, life entangled, living together, relationships and that’s what we have and that’s wonderful. But there’s too many sexy people out there and I don’t want to commit to just one for the rest of my life. Um, and thankfully I found someone who, who feels the same way, so we get to have this amazing, like very bonded. I’m nesting, living together relationship, but also explore outside of that kind of together and separately, which is really cool. So we’re, we’re poly swinger. Kinks does with the trio.
That’s awesome. It’s so cool to see, um, and like I can hear it in your voice, you know, how close the two of you are and how, you know, how you’ve approached the situation both as a couple and as individuals and it’s just so cool.
Thank you. There’s been, there’s been some interesting things to navigate along the way. Um, but I think we’re, I think we’re at a good. I think we’re at a good point now.
How do you feel I’m being polyamorous or swinging or anything like that affects your mental health. Do you feel like it’s um, you know, benefited your mental health? Does it hurt it? Is that like a mixed bag?
I mean, broadly speaking, I think it’s been a massive benefit, the raw things that are more challenging as a result of having a slightly wonky mental health sometimes. I mean sometimes you know, if things like jealousy or envy or insecurity come up that can be harder to navigate as a person with depression and anxiety and all of that fun stuff. Um, but overall I think there’s been a massive net benefit to my mental health from being nonmonogamous because partly because I don’t have to hide or feel guilty about who I am. I mean, when, you know, previously, I mean, years ago when I was with my first boyfriend before we opened up our feel really guilty whenever I was attracted to anyone else and I, and I never cheated and I would never cheat, but I felt guilty for even thinking about it. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, absolutely.
Having that freedom to just be honest is really, really important. And obviously the other thing that you get from good non monogamy is this big extended support network. So now there’s lots of people who, you know, we take care of each other and we lean on each other and it’s really lovely. So I mean overall, definitely it’s a plus from a mental health perspective.
That’s really cool. And it’s um, it’s also really nice to hear the end of like, beginning that journey myself and um, you know, knowing that I’ve had very similar situations where I feel guilty because I think this person is cute or because I’m attracted to this person. And like you said, there are way too many sexy people out there. So many. And so many of them are people we know and like interact with like all the time on social media or in person and so it gets really difficult. Right. So kind of feel like you can handle that guilt or any sort of feelings of jealousy or anything like that. Especially with depression and anxiety. Like I know I get anxious about feeling guilty, which then makes me feel more anxious and like,
right. Yeah, I know that feeling.
It’s not my favorite. Ten would not do again. No. No. Um, how do you feel about kink and your mental health? Do you feel like I, I always feel like kink is super beneficial.
Oh, absolutely. King has always been massively, massively important for my mental health. Um, honestly I think the only times really that there’s been any kind of downside and that department is when I was younger and I was supposed to exploring it and I hadn’t really found the community. I just had this massive sense of shame that there’s something wrong with me and I’m, I’m a freak for liking these things, of wanting these things. And I’ve never forgotten going to, uh, an event. It was actually an event focused on bisexuality, um, with my first partner, I was about 19 at the time and we’ve been exploring some kind of kinky stuff and we saw this, this, this bdsm thing that people were talking about and there was, there were workshops on it, on the, on the program for this event. And I remember just looking at my partner and going, there are others, this is a thing, um, which was, which sounds really silly, but it was kind of this astounding realization for me as a teenager that actually was normal and a lot of people are into this and that’s fine.
Um, so, um, but, but to answer your original question, yeah, it’s massively beneficial. Mental health wise, I mean sometimes if I’m feeling very vulnerable or something, the sort of sense of protection and nurturing that comes from bottoming or submitting to someone is really, really healing. Um, and also it’s a way to kind of explore and work how traumas and triggers in a safe environment really. And sometimes it’s just really Cathartic and sometimes it just takes me out of my head, which is sometimes just something that will pull you out of your head and just ground you and your body is so valuable. And that’s kind of what kink is for me.
I feel very much the same way. Um, I know I’m a very big into impact play and it just is this most amazing feeling to have someone have control of you, but also know that you get to control the situation as a bottom.
Yes. Being that trust that they’ll keep you safe.
Yes. Absolutely. Um, and I know generally when I’ve played, it’s been where there’s other people around too. So there’s also that reinforcement of this is a community that’s safe and even if this particular partners and you know, being safe or there’s a mess up in a scene, there are other people there that can help, that can keep them accountable that, um, you know, are enjoying watching you enjoying what’s happening. Yes. It’s just so cool.
Yeah, it’s very good. It’s very, very good.
And I know like with chronic pain too, it’s really this interesting thing of how I’m at. I’m poly Dallas in July I was at a party with some friends and one of ’em after watching me take part in impact play, just kind of looked at me and was like, you’re a little pain slut. And it was such an interesting idea, like I have it on a sticky note on my desk in front of me because I want to write a post, but it’s like, it’s so interesting to go from being that person who’s in pain all the time to also being that person who is inviting consensual pain.
Yes. And that is an, that aspect is fascinating to me. Um, one of my, one of my metaphors, my secondary partners, primary partner, um, wrote this stunning guest posts for me. I’m all about, um, life as a disabled Kingston and consensual pain versus nonconsensual pain. And it was just spectacular.
I’m to go read that.
Yeah. Yeah. Remind me after we’re done recording and I’ll send you A. I’ll send you a link. But, um, yeah, it was amazing.
That’s fantastic. I, um, there is a person who is on your side of the pond, which is just like another reason to want to come visit. I’m named Emma Shepherd, um, and she works in Higher Ed, like in, in a university setting and she’s actually done a couple of presentations on chronic pain and bdsm.
Oh, amazing.
What, get out of it. So I’ll, I’ll send you the link to one of her things that I use in almost all the workshops that I give to because it’s so fascinating to like, have someone actually like academically studying this.
Yes, yes, absolutely. Oh yeah. We’ll have to, we’ll have to link swap when we’re done recording. Definitely.
Which sounds like a swinger thing. Put your laptops in a bowl and pick, pick a new laptop and.
Oh God.
How do you find navigating partners? Partners?
I’ve mostly been pretty lucky with that. Um, in the, the people I date tend to have excellent taste in other people. Um, there’s been a few times in the past, um, there was uh, a metamor who I clashed very badly with, um, when I was quite new to um, non monogamy. But I, I think, and obviously, you know, I was on a massive learning curve and I did not do everything perfectly and they did not do everything perfectly, but actually I think a lot of the responsibility there was actually placed on our shared partner who
I don’t want to quite say played as off against each other, but I mean kind of, um, which is very problematic. But honestly, you know, I mean, in recent years I’ve been, I’ve been really lucky. I’m the last person that my partner dated for awhile. I got on really well with, to the point that we ended up all of us having sex together, which was great. And now my partners started dating someone who I’ve only met once so far in real life. But I’ve talked to online and I really like, um, and my, uh, my secondaries, nesting partner is a very, very good friend of mine. And at this point we, we bonded really, really quickly. I’ve never clicked with a metamour like that before and now we’re very close as well, which is lovely. Um, so maybe I’ve just been lucky. I don’t know, but it’s always been kind of fine in the main.
That’s wonderful.
I have heard some stories of other people having more difficult times. So that’s always something that I think about. Um,
yeah, it’s a real difficulty because you have to kind of not only find someone who’s right for you, but also someone who’s other partners are right for you or at least to you don’t horribly clash with.
Yeah. I’m not always. Seems like it could, could get difficult. I’m not that. I think that is
not really the norm, anything like
that, but it’s just something that I keep thinking in the back of my head. It’s definitely something to bear in mind because it does happen. Um, and, but then again, I mean when, when it comes to me getting into a relationship with someone, I have a fairly stringent vetting process at this point which was, that sounds awful and that I don’t mean it like that, but I mean this, this sort of certain things that are deal breakers for me and like if their partner won’t talk to me at least to say hi. Yes, I’m really on board with this. That’s a really big red flag. Um, and if they have things like vito agreements where their partner can just tell them to break up with me and they will then deal breaker. No. Um, because I’ve been in relationships like that. I was in a relationship for five years with someone whose wife had a, had a veto and um, didn’t use it, but there was always this kind of threat that they could feel safe in that kind of environment.
I feel like some sort of third party could just get rid of you at any second. That’s really kind of creepy. Yeah, it was really strange. And when we first got together I kind of thought, okay, fine, they’ve been together for all this time and it’s a new relationship and that’s fine. But after several years I was, I think, I think at one point I said to him like, is there actually a statute of limitations on this? Like is there a point at which you would no longer accept a veto? And he said, no, 20 years down the line if she beat as you bob. Wow, I really should have been the point that I walked away and I was very young, is my only defense to that one. Um, but yeah, so things like that are very, very problematic and those are the kinds of questions that I asked really early on. Um, but no, I just generally speaking, I get a vibe from people pretty quickly and it’s always been mostly fine. I’m sure.
I think that’s good for people to hear and to see and know exists.
Yes.
Um, just because of all the horror stories I’ve heard, so.
Oh, that was, I wasn’t horror stories.
You’re, you’re putting my anxious mind at ease, so that’s always good. Yeah. Um, what do you, what’s your favorite kind of thing to write about? Like do you have a favorite, do you prefer Writing Errata Aka, or do you really like writing about, I don’t know, teenage vampires or something like, is there thing that you really just absolutely love to write about?
I’ve never written about teenage vampires, so they, maybe I should, I actually find erotic or really hard to write, which is weird because my, my background before I started sex writing was mostly in fiction specifically. Um, but no, I, I, I enjoy writing erotica but I find it really difficult in a way that I can only do it sort of a short space of short burst of time and then I have to go and do something else or it just fries my brain and I think because there’s so much sort of pressure from myself in that regard to get it right because there was so much bad erotica out there. Um, I recently taught a workshop on Erotica writing one on one and part of what we did in the workshop was just read examples of really bad erotica and laugh about them.
I did not pull out a passage from 50 shades, although I wanted to. Um, but no, in terms of the stuff I really love writing, I love writing the kind of advice focused pieces. I think more than anything I’m just sort of how to do x, y, zed. And your relationship, I’m working on a post at the moment, um, which has just been commissioned by a new, um, a new client which is a toy company and it’s all about how to talk about bringing sex toys into your sexual relationship with a partner where if you’ve never done that before. Yeah. And I think what I love about stuff like that is I’m basically writing the sex advice that I wish I’d had when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Um, so that’s really fun and I really enjoy that. It’s just the kind of personal essays as well. So the ones that I just sort of get to go, I have an opinion about this thing and put that out there.
It is really Cathartic, isn’t it? Know that you have a space of the Internet where you can just do that. Yeah,
absolutely. Yes. It really is an, it’s an, it’s very fun.
That’s really cool. I really like kind of opinionated pieces too. Um, yeah.
And sometimes there’s that moment of, oh, should I really put this out there? There was a piece I wrote last year about um, hierarchical relationships and non monogamy and how I think actually having kind of a primary secondary structure is fine as long as everyone’s not being addicted to each other. Um, and I, I really thought I was going to get blamed a lot for that one. Um, I didn’t surprisingly, the people who disagreed with me disagree with me very respectfully, which is fine. Um, but I had a few moments of, oh, should I put this out there or is this just going to blow up if I do? And it has been that with a few pieces, but touch wood, none of them have blown up so far.
Hopefully things are calm and people are able to disagree. Like adults.
Yes, yes. Hopefully I can, I can deal with people telling me I’m wrong and disagree with me. I just
want them to be respectful about it.
Um, I think especially here in the US, we do not, uh, know how to do that very well. Yes.
And I think, I think it’s particularly a problem on the Internet because people forget that there’s a person at the end of the aisle on the other end of the computer, so to speak, because I forget that they’re actually talking to a human being and, and they, they feel like they’re just screaming into this faceless voice that doesn’t have feelings, which is, I think what leads to so much of the flaming that goes on online.
Absolutely. Um, it’s, it’s an interesting balance, I think between people who, you know, may actually have a reason to call someone out on something and then people who just really like being an asshole. Yes. And there’s so many assholes. I mean, that’s, that’s basically what twitter is like six good people. And I’m pumped your basketball.
Yeah, pretty much.
It’s, um, I think it’s especially interesting to navigate as a blogger, right? Because people see us in one of two ways. It’s either they see us as some sort of an expert on something that like we should know better, those kinds of things. Or they see us like almost like someone would see a flee. Like we’re just some small, annoying thing. Yes. And it’s really interesting to me how much people on either side of that free act. The same.
Yeah, it is, it’s fascinating. And the whole, the whole idea of people thinking that bloggers or you know, writers about this stuff or whatever should be experts in all of it and we should be infallible and never make mistakes. There’s a lot of pressure really.
It really is.
Um, I mean, the people who read my stuff, I love my, my work and stuff. I have this kind of ongoing low level fear of saying something wrong and making them realize that I’m actually just kind of bumbling my way through and don’t really know what I’m doing. I suppose that’s imposter syndrome all over though, isn’t it?
Yeah, it really is. But I gotta tell you almost everyone I know deals with that same feeling, whether it’s someone who’s extremely big and has 13,000 twitter followers or someone just starting out. Yep. I think it’s hard to remember that
it deals with it. Yeah, very much.
Yeah. And I think there’s this beautiful thing that, like one of my teachers in schools that at one point is that, um, you know, no one’s normal, everyone’s weird and we’re all just learning.
Yes,
that’s all being an adult is, is, it’s just this continuous learning process. And I think if we learned more, how to set proper boundaries and how to communicate like adults with people,
yes, a lot.
So much of the advice I give comes down to,
um,
people who write to me and ask me questions and want advice and stuff. So much of it just boils down to communicate, talk to each other, talk to your partner,
use your words.
I appreciate that. It’s hard because it is hard,
but that’s the answer to so many problems.
It really is. Especially relationship.
Yeah.
You know, you can’t, you can’t improve or grow as a couple or individually if, if you’re not communicating about things.
Yes. It just doesn’t work. Absolutely. So true.
I think he’s just good life advice, right? Like I grew up without any boundaries in my home. And so now that I set boundaries, uh, people who knew me before and who knows me now kind of get a little, uh, they don’t like it that much
because they used to being able to walk all over you and now they call it.
Yes. Yes. That. Yes, I understand that.
I always used to be the, yeah, I could do that. Or Oh no, I know you didn’t mean to be an asshole kind of person. And I am not now.
Yeah.
Which I’m sure is a much better and healthier way for you.
Oh, it really is the amount of energy that I’m putting into things that don’t really give me any return emotionally or monetarily or physically or whatever. Um,
has just gotten so much better. Yep. Yep, Yep. Much relates
I have a feeling we have very similar backgrounds.
It seems that way. Yeah.
And that’s what I love about this world as well as just meeting other people
who kind of understand this stuff. And
Yeah, you get it. Which is, which is part of why I love about this world. It’s amazing.
It really is. And I think it’s so cool to think there’s like public 7 million billion, sorry, 7 billion people on the planet, like because of the Internet, because of being in a specific niche, like people who have had very similar experiences have been able to find each other and interact and grow together and all that good stuff. It’s like
chills through all the problems with the Internet. That is a huge benefit that I don’t see any other way to really replicates. I mean the, the amazing people that I’ve met and spoken to and talked to as a result of the sex blogosphere online. It is just astounding. And now, you know, some of my best and closest friends are people I’ve met through this world. I mean most of my, most of my close people at point of, you know, either canisters or swingers or poly or sex writers or somehow involved in that world, you know, and I’m just so grateful to this community for giving us all the ability to connect in that way. Really. Lovely. Yes.
I also think it’s cool to see how much we can all come together to accomplish things. Definitely, you know, getting people to conferences or raising money for surgeries or anything like that, like we’ve really come together.
Oh, it’s amazing. Have you seen the, um, on the, on that subject, have you seen this semester thorn project that I, that I created?
I did not. I would love to hear more about that.
Um, so it’s, uh, it was an idea that came to me last year at 3:00 in the morning as my best idea so often do and I thought, what if we did a writing marathon for charity? So I’ve got a few secs bloggers together and a couple of my, a couple of my blogger friends in London ended up posting it in their, in their flat, which was really lovely. And we got together and we just did this intense writing session for 12 hours, um, shared all the work on our blogs and sort of tweeted out and social media and all of that sort of stuff and ask people to sponsor us for it. Um, and we raised 2000 pounds for our two charities last year. Yeah. Um, so last year we split it between, um, a rape crisis, England and Wales and, uh, an organization called backlash who, um, they basically campaign for changes in legislation and um, and provide legal support and things around sexual freedom.
So because I don’t know, I don’t know quite what the laws are like in the US, it’s probably very similar, but there’s a lot of, a lot, I mean a lot of kinks in particular falls within gray areas legally even when there is complete informed consent and in particular a lot of Kinky porn. So there’s a lot of things that are perfectly legal to do, but if you take a picture of it, then it becomes illegal which is on, um, and there’s this whole awful, um, act that they’re trying to push through parliament called the digital economy bill, which will require people to put in their credit card details and personal info to gain access to porn, which is obviously huge data protection issue. Huge privacy issue. So anyway, backlash, um, slight all of that. Um, and then we just did it again. Um, this year we just did it like a, a few weeks ago for the second time. This time we hide out big AIRBNB and made a bit of a weekend of it. It was really good fun. Um, and we, we did it for the abortion support network this time in, in honor of the repeal, the eight campaign that you’ve probably heard about what went on in Ireland a few months ago.
Yeah.
That is so cool that, that was just like the power of this community. Like I just had this idea and when who’s was on board with this and because so many people went for it and shared it and retweet it and donated to it, we could actually do something pretty amazing.
That’s awesome.
Fantastic. And I love that you chose the repeal, the eight charity for this year because
Ooh, um, for,
for people who don’t know, the history of getting access to abortion in a lot of countries is awful, but it’s especially terrible in Ireland.
Um,
there’s this really good episode of a podcast called Mens Rea. So actually talks about, um, some of these issues and I’ll link to that in the show notes, but it’s a, it’s scary, as scary as a lot of us in the US feel our future might be, um, around reproductive health and reproductive rights is not great anywhere.
Yeah, it’s really scary. It’s really, really scary. Um, and even though the eighth amendment was overturned in Ireland, no one really knows how long it’s gonna take for that to actually be pushed through in a practical sense. And in Northern Ireland it’s still illegal to access abortion still carries a prison sentence, access abortion in Northern Ireland and yeah, it’s just, it’s so up. So we want to do what we could, which was, you know, just our little way of trying to help.
That’s fantastic. And I think it’s, it sounds so great to, um, use the community for that and not only be able to donate and uh, you know, kind of increase awareness about that issue, but also do it as a team. Yes. Absolutely. Fantastic.
Yes. And it was, and it was really fun and it was this, it felt really kind of powerful to get this community together and do something because it was very good.
Yeah. Let’s just means I need to come visit you next year.
Yes. Yes. You should come to my role to con. Have you, have you been? I, I’m not. It’s so good. It’s so, you know about it, right? Vaguely. Yeah, it, it’s, um, it’s in London. It’s run by molly more and go out on the net. Um, and it’s just so good. It’s just a great weekend. I’m just all these sex positive creatives, writers, bloggers, bloggers, podcasters, porn performers just all get together and it’s amazing. You should come.
I absolutely should. I need on my to do list for next year
and clearly getting hair is expensive. Um, which is, you know, in reverse. The only reason that I haven’t been to water yet is just the, the airfare was just so crazy expensive.
Really bad.
One of these years. I will make it.
Yeah. We’ll have to. We’ll have to like collect funds for you. We couldn’t do a fundraiser to get like across the pond or is this way?
Yes. Oh, that’d be awesome for you to get to London.
Absolutely. I, um, I’ve got a lot of friends actually throughout the UK, so it’s always been this thing of like, I know I need to go and spend time and visit people, but then I’m also like the nerdiest podcast listener of this podcast that I listen to called the British history podcast and it’s almost up to episode 300 and I’m only on episode 90 of listening, but you know, it just goes through the history of England and talks about Ireland, a little bit of Scotland as well. Um, and, and he sets aside episodes to specifically talk about whales and things like that. It’s absolutely fantastic. Fantastic. It’s also a really great and easy one to fall asleep too, which is why I’m only.
Yeah. Well, let’s say you want to come and see all these things real that you’ve been hearing about.
Yeah, exactly. Before they start crumbling or get annialated or something like that. Plus I just to come hang out and like London and bring like my doctor who stuff and be that nerd would be fantastic. I got to meet David Tenant and Alex Kingston a couple years ago.
Wow. Amazing.
Yeah, it was absolutely fantastic. Um, I, I took a picture with them that I have proudly hanging on my wall. Um, and then they noise in real life. Were they friendly? They were so friendly. I think Alex was getting really tired, probably kind of annoyed because I would bet more people go gaga over David versus her, which is unfortunate because she’s also amazing. Yes. Um, but I wound up being able. Somebody couldn’t stay until I’m David’s autograph signing. So I wound up being able to buy her like autograph signing pass and I got his autograph and he was like Kiersten and like in his amazing accent, which I just, every time I think about it, I kind of melts a little bit, but there’s this, there’s this amazing episode of great performances that airs on our public broadcasting network here. That’s actually, um, David playing hamlet with Patrick Stewart as the uncle.
Yes. Yes. That was a thing that happened, which I sadly did not get to see, but that is a thing that happens.
Oh, it is. So fantastic. I wonder, I’ll have to find the link and send it to you to see if it works for you. Yes. Because it’s like my favorite thing to watch. I only watch it and very specific like headspaces especially also because it’s like three hours long, but like to sit down with a glass of wine and like watch these two amazing actors who I just absolutely adore. Both of them do. Like my favorite play is just.
Yeah, that’s very good. That’s very, very nice thing to do.
Um, do you have anything that you want to plug before we go to our questions at the end here? Oh Gosh.
I guess just the blog really just coffeeandkink.me, um, with the blog posts. See we think have an explore. Um, I guess my Patreon as well, which I’m, I’m desperately trying to revamp at the moment because it’s just not quite taken off in the way that I wanted it to. Um, so I think maybe I’m just not offering the right perks or something, I’m not really sure. Um, but yeah, it’s just patrion.com/coffee and kink and. Oh, I have merchant now too. I just remembered I merge, so sorry. Yes, I have things to plug. I have merged. Um, so if you go to, and I’m double checking the link here to make sure it’s right. Um, do to do, to do of course this is a really good time for my Internet to stop working. Um, yes. It’s coffee and kink dot emi slash merchandise high finished shop. I’m about to send you the link again if you want. But um, yeah, uh, my, my secondary partner is an artist and did all the, did all the artwork for me. So now I have really cool. I’m like pin badges and tee shirts and one of my favorite one is a picture of a magic wand. Vibrator in it says love of my life.
That’s amazing.
Okay. Have you found it?
Yeah.
And I have consent to sexy and I have fueled by coffee and inappropriate thoughts. Um, all this good stuff. So, um, and it’s all just through reputable and any kind of profits from that obviously help me to keep the blog going. So, um, yeah, anyone who wants to show their, their kinky love should head on over there and check out my new merchandise store.
I love it so much. Oh my gosh. Like I’m literally going, okay, when I get paid next week I’m going to get that.
And you can, you can get them on coffee mugs and tee shirts and bags and notebooks and all of that kind of stuff.
I’m so excited right now.
Oh my God. That’s amazing. Everybody has to go look at it. Holy Cow. I love it. Okay. So let’s go into these final questions. Yes. What is your favorite curse word or like a curse word? Replacement. Like somebody, some people say like, oh Golly, gee. And stuff.
My favorite curse word is cunt.
Oh, that’s good. That’s a good one
because I love it as A. I mean it’s like my favorite word to use for my genitalia because it just is. I think it’s a great word and I like kind of the idea of reclaiming it because I don’t know if it’s the same in the US, but in the UK it’s considered like pretty much the worst curse word. You can say the worst thing you can call someone and I think that’s kind of fucked up. Um,
so I like to be claiming it. So yes. My favorite curse word is cunt. I love it.
I was taught growing up that yeah, absolutely. Cunt was not a word that we were allowed to say it was worse than fuck, like be the worst curse word of all curse words. I just that.
Yeah.
And it’s just another word for pussy like, um, I always like when I’m listening to or watching Australian things and they’re like, what’s up mate? You bein a cunt? And I’m like, Oh yes, that is exactly like
maybe not, maybe it’s a little far, but
it’s a great word.
It’s fantastic. It really is. Um, what is your favorite thing to do for yourself? For Self Care, when, if you’re stressed out or anxious and you just need
to kind of pamper yourself,
this is going to be a very stereotypical writer answer, but reading. Yup. So if I, if I really need some kind of self care time just cutting up with, you know, either a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and a book or a magazine and just reading and losing myself in that is kind of my favorite. My favorite self care. Um, I’m also a big fan of naps. Oh yes. Just taking a nap sometimes is the answer to all of life’s problems.
Like maps and books go so well.
But yes. Coffee, wine, books, a naps, chocolate cake.
All this almost chocolate cake. Let them together. I love it. Yes.
Um, what is your favorite thing about yourself? It could be like a personality trait or um, if you really like your eyes or however you,
you know, kind of pick your favorite thing.
Okay. Um, this is a really interesting one to ask me on a high anxiety day going. I don’t know, but. No, I like it because it’s forcing you to think about it. Um, I guess personality trait wise, I’m going to say my work ethic, um, I feel like I’m very much the kind of person who if I want to do something I will just go for it and I will do it. Um, so I mean at the moment I’m working full time and I’m also running the blog part time and I’m trying to go back to school and all of that kind of stuff. So yeah, that I think my determination to just get stuff done and get on with it.
Um,
and also I have really good boobs also the boobs.
Oops, help really help. I love that you
like your determination. I think that’s fantastic. I think
it’s also a pretty good writer answer too.
Yeah, I think so. I think for those of us who are, you know, self employed or partially self employed and trying to do this part time is just, you have to have that really to make the hustle work because it is, it is a hustle and it’s a lot of work and sometimes sometimes there’s days where I really don’t want to do it. Sometimes there’s days where I really just want to lie on the Sofa and watch netflix. Um, but yeah, I do. I do appreciate that about myself.
Fantastic. Um, I think it’s something that a lot of people don’t appreciate about themselves. Not all show, especially if you know, there’s the idea that we’re workaholics because we push too much or, or those kinds of things when in reality it’s what we need to do to get all of the things on our plate on.
Yep. Yep. It’s just, it’s just what I’ve got to do to hit my goals. So I do it.
Good answer. I’m going to keep that one in mind next time
someone asks me. Amy, thank you
so much for being here and I really had a delightful time talking with you today.
I think he’s probably made. This was really fun.
It was really fun, right? I, I really loved talking to random people. Not that you’re a random person, but yes, you know, and it’s,
it’s just such a fantastic way I think to get to know people better.
Definitely
Wasn’t that just fun? We had a blast talking to amy and I’m really grateful that she him on the show and make sure to check the show notes for links that she and I talked about and definitely check out her patrion which is patrion.com/coffee and kink. Um, she’s doing a lot of cool stuff and working to get patron a little bit more active so it’ll be a fun space to support her and um, you know, get some perks do so patriarch is about, um, so I’m, I’m gonna try to stick to that every other week schedule that I was hitting on earlier this year, which means the next day and episode will be released. Should Be September 20th. Um, I currently don’t have any plans for that show. I probably will. I’m talk about something that’s current events around then and maybe recapping my, my fun time the Sunday before speaking at Smitten kitten and spending time with friends.
I’m in Minneapolis. I’m really excited because I get to meet a new friend, um, and shelby are hovering from surgery, getting her new plastic fancy vagina and I’m very, very excited. Um, I’m talking about ris mccool who has a bajillion podcasts but one is called the cis are getting out of hand and it’s just the best is just a fantastic person and I’m so excited to get to go see her and wish her well and her recovery. Um, it’s really nice to find podcasts, pals, especially when you live relatively close and have a lot of common and you’re able to really make some cool connections. So I am Super Rex and of course my parkway pizza. I’m really excited about my pizza too. It’s like a week and a half away and I’m already like looking at stuff like, hm, what pizza do I want? This is the kind of person you’re listening to ramble on a podcast. Um, I wish I had better thoughts on how to end shows. I did really good for awhile there and now it’s just kind of with all that said, it is Wednesday evening. I have to go do my daily shot of Kinneret Slash Anakinra biologic so that I can hopefully get some sleep later tonight and, uh, give my joints a break from all the rainy weather we’ve been having here in Madison and the flooding that’s been going on. Um, I am not really hit by it.
Um, we live in a good spot of the city where we’re not getting flooded and all that good stuff, but it’s still making things interesting. Adventure until our next adventure together. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You’re setting good boundaries and most of all that you’re having fun
Chronic Sex is produced every two weeks by me first and it gives me the from Paddington bear because they’re awesome. You can find show notes and more over chronic sex dot org feared, enjoying listening to the show. Please subscribe and that way you won’t miss a single episode on itunes. We really chill. If you take a minute to read the show to not only does it give me great feedback, but it also helps the podcast get seen by people who may not know it exists and that’s pretty cool. You can support us over at patreon.com/chronicsex. As always, you can find links to everything @ chronicsex.org, from social media accounts to resources, sex, toy reviews, and more. Until next time, please take care of yourself. Remember that you are a freaking bad ass.