Relationships can be really hard to maintain, especially when health issues are at play. It can feel like our illness is a third partner no one consented to – one that has uncontrolled jealousy and attachment issues.

It’s easy to feel like we have to tackle health issues alone, especially if we had them before entering into a relationship.”This is my burden,” we think, “not theirs.”

When we do that, though, it makes it easy to become overwhelmed. We’ve taken on too much by trying to exist inside of a controlled bubble. At the same time, we try to be superheroes and accomplish everything on our lists.

Communication breaks down as we labor away in the land of denial.

Taking the stance that our health is our problem alone leaves our partners out. They worry about and care for us in incredibly deep ways, and shutting them out leads to a lot of hurt feelings. It also removes their autonomy, too.

We’re so concerned that they’ll reject us that we don’t give them the chance to be with us, wounds and all.

Relationships are about making it through the rough stuff as a team. You can’t pitch, cover the infield, and be in the outfield at the same time.

So, what do we do?

Take a minute today to let your partner(s) know how much you care about them and the support they give. Tell them honestly how you’re feeling and doing. Opening up and sharing those very vulnerable things leads to an unparalleled level of emotional intimacy, trust, and love.

Once we do that, our partners can help us with our health issues – and, chances are, that’s something they’ll give anything to do.

It becomes easier to give feedback when we’re honest about our feelings, too.

Having a scheduled date night can help bring about conversations around feelings and give structure to create a feedback loop. It’s always best to talk about these things without sexual tension, so have conversations about feedback outside of the bedroom. And, you know, while relatively sober. I know it can be hard to share feels honestly, which is why I say relatively.

And, by that, I also mean sober as you define it. If you take opioids or mj for pain but still feel comfortable having big conversations or giving consent, go for it.

There is no shame in needing more help or moving the balance of a partnership from 50/50 to 70/30 with more on your partner’s plate. It’s important to remember all the ways our relationships flux and that things won’t always be even.

It is important to make sure that you and your partner(s) both always feel supported. Support can come from within the relationship or outside of it. People you’re close to – other partners, family, and friends – play pivotal roles in how supported we feel.

Most of all, it’s important to ask for help when you need it. Sometimes when we don’t, we can take frustrations out on loved ones. And it feels really bad for everyone, including you.

I am rubbish at getting support I need. I don’t say I need help until it’s too late. And that places unneeded stress on my intimate relationships as well as close friendships.

In learning how to help others, I’m realizing how far I have to go, too. We all have so much work to do, so much we can strive to work on. Being real and vulnerable means admitting that, even when it’s terrifying.

Maintaining relationships takes work. It’s not going to be easy or all rainbows and smiles. But it is important, and the work pays off.