One of my absolute favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Cornel West: “Justice is what love looks like in public, just like tenderness is what love feels like in private.” It’s something that I’ve been thinking more and more about, especially in the context of empathy.

Empathy

Empathy is something that develops when we’re infants through the relationships we have with others. Our empathy muscles continue to grow as we do, adapting and changing with the different situations we encounter. Did you know, though, that there are multiple types of empathy?

Cognitive empathy is the notion of being able to imagine yourself in the same situation as someone else. It’s more of a mental exercise, having to do with logic. This may come off cold to others. The problem is advice from this empathy space is often focused on a logical answer. It doesn’t take into account nuance, like understanding a situation on an emotional level might.

Somatic empathy is quite literally feeling someone else’s physical pain. Twins and other people who are incredibly close can develop this. My sister and I aren’t twins but we are close, and we often feel each other’s pain even 2200 miles apart. We’ll call each other to say ‘take a break’ or I might call to check-in and make sure my pain is mine and not hers.

For those who can’t picture this, imagine watching a movie where someone with the same genitalia as you gets kicked there hard. If you felt physical pain, you’re experiencing this type of empathy. Our focus is on pain, and any advice comes from a pain relief standpoint.

Emotional empathy is likely what we begin to learn first. From smiling to crying, emotions are contagious. Our emotional empathy is often how we learn to react in situations based on the reactions in those around us.

Unfortunately, emotional empathy is also something that many empaths struggle with. It can be quite draining because literally feeling the emotions of others is a harrowing experience.  It can also be a way to cope with abusive environments as it allows us to fawn and take other self-protective measures more easily.

Compassionate empathy is similar to emotional empathy but with motivation to help. It’s also often what people mean when they refer to empathy – being able to sense or feels another’s emotions. Many doctors and others in caring fields can harness this skill well, helping others grow and heal.

While this is a good skill to have, it can also become overwhelming if we don’t learn how to set boundaries. We may feel as though everything is our fault or that it’s up to us to solve every problem. Not only is that not true, but it’s a form of self-harm. It’s why I had to make the switch from working directly with other disabled folx to public health. I felt far too responsible for the wellbeing of others in an unhealthy manner.

What does empathy have to do with this Dr. West quote?

Honestly, a lot.

I was thinking about how unforutnate it is that so many people don’t see the connection between love and justice. At times, like the last several months, it can be rage-inducing.

Thinking about the last several months, though, it hit me that too many people aren’t exercising their empathy muscles at all. They refuse to wear masks due to selfishness, even running through stores without them as some sort of sick and endangering parade. People repost nude photos acquired without consent. Karens threaten to kill retail workers over 30 cents. (That last one brought on my exit from retail in college.) White people call the police on Black kids selling lemonade or playing in the park. BLM protesters are being murdered.

Many of these aren’t new issues, but are a prime example of a lack of foundational empathy development.

The United States prides itself on exceptionalism. That encouraged a god complex in many ‘patriots.’ As a country, we love capitalism. That’s brought an ‘every man for himself’ and ‘dog eat dog’ mindset on in so many. People have been taught that those in need will steal from us if we show compassion, that kindness is a weakness.

This is both untrue and a root cause of so many problems in our society.

Many older people talk about how millennials or Gen Zers are selfish. Generally, that’s not true – but we do have boundaries in ways they may not have. We revel in community in ways older generations don’t anymore. Having grown up watching shows about ethics while relying on friends, we see the issues inherent in this American approach to life.

It’s literally killing us and our planet. We cannot afford this mindset any longer.

What do we do?

Let’s be clear – we cannot fix our entire society. No one person has that power, and no one should.

What we can do is think about our sphere of influence.

This can be handy in a number of situations, but especially in our end times this year. The idea is that the target starts at the middle with what we have the most control over. As we move out, we lose control.

The center of the target represents the only thing we can truly control – ourself. That includes our side of interactions, choices, etc. This might mean how we spend our money, like not going to Chick-fil-a (or, as I like to call them, Oppression Chicken).

Our direct influence circle will be filled with people and situations that we can directly influence. That likely includes people close to us, such as family, friends, and partners.

Indirect influence may be people on Twitter whom you don’t interact with but who follow you or people reading your website (hi!). I may not personally know you and we may not be friends, but what I write and put into the world may influence you.

The zone of no influence is bigger in reality than it looks. That can be scary, but it’s important to remember that we can’t necessarily alter how many things go. For example, there is no way we can influence how a prominent author spouts anti-trans sentiments. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone who doesn’t share her views, especially if we’re small fish.

Since we cannot affect her mindset, it’s okay to not try with her. It’s okay to use her as an example to teach others about how harmful this is, for sure. But, say, tweeting at her won’t get her to change her mind.

How do we apply spheres of influence to empathy work?

It’s important to go where we will have an impact. Here, we know starting with She Who Must Not Be Named isn’t going to work. She’s in our Zone of No Influence. It’s okay to abandon people who will not ever listen – hell, it’s self-care.

Instead, who can we influence and what can we control?

I can control how I approach situations. I can foster and cultivate empathy in everything I do.

Using that, I can model this for the people I influence directly or indirectly. For those I influence directly, I can remind them to be thoughtful of others and their needs – to give people space and grace. I can talk with others about how to work on empathy skills or what ways that work can present itself.

I could share tools with others to help workout empathy muscles, like Kate Kenfield’s Tea & Empathy cards. These cards are absolutely fantastic. After four years, it’s still my favorite way to keep in touch with my emotions as well as those of others.

So, if you need this reminder – It’s okay to focus the precious energy we have right now on people who may be more apt to ‘get it.’ We can be picky with some of the work we have to do as a society as far as who is more likely to make those positive changes. Let’s be agents of change together instead of agents of absolute chaos.