2020 has been a painful year for most of us, from the pandemic to an economic collapse to racism and state violence. Many of us struggle in public, scared of catching COVID-19. I avoided going out at all for a few months. When I finally had to run into a store for something, my PTSD skills kicked in. I don’t know if they’ve ever calmed down, especially with Wisconsin now at number 2 in the nation for infections.

Yeah, I might’ve picked a weird time to go into public health.

We’re struggling in private, too, from panic attacks over ongoing isolation to existential crises to problems within our relationships. Those of us living with partners likely feel like we’ve had enough of them at times, despite how much we love them. For those of us dating someone who lives in another state, there’s a question around if and when it’ll be safe to see our partners again. With infection numbers ramping up again, it’s easy to feel hopeless about being with our loved ones again.

It’s hard. Relationships need connection. For many of us, that connection requires emotional availability, time together, touch, etc. – all things that are difficult right now.

So, how can we better cultivate our connection with a long-distance partner? My newest partner and I explore some ways that can help.

First, some don’ts. Don’t:

• Listen to or follow every list you see. This one is kinda gross, focusing on toxic monogamy and some other BS I really wouldn’t recommend.
• Forget to talk with your partner(s) about these measures before just deciding you’re going to do them.
• Try to force something to work if it doesn’t fit into your relationship/dynamic.
• Forget to check-in and ask for consent, especially for anything related to sexy things.

This is a great time for general relationship upkeep, like:

Talk about how often you’d like to connect.

This can be different for every partnership, especially if there are differences in time zone or schedule. The distance may make this difficult, so it’s important to be flexible and compromise.

Address issues as they come up.

Leaving issues or things that bug you out there before addressing them can make the situation worse. It’s important to keep a clear line of communication and get on the same page around expectations.

One thing I always try to recommend is having a night every week (or on a workable schedule for you) that allows people to check-in in a mostly-sober space about what’s going well, any issues that have come up, feedback, etc.

Mix it up.

It’s tempting to ask things like how your partner’s day was. Think about other questions or ways to change up the questions you ask.

Share the reasons you appreciate each other.

The pandemic is really doing a number on mental health especially. We could all use a reminder that we matter to someone.

Reconnect on things you might’ve touched on, but not recently.

This could include things like your yes/no/maybe list, soft and hard limits, boundaries, and more.

Look for new ways to connect!

Shared experiences are the backbone of the relationships. It’s more important than ever to cultivate our connection with partners. Set up date nights and really take time together. Here are a few ways that you can do this that you may not have thought of.

Build music playlists together.

Maybe it’s for a time you get to see each other. It could be just to have a shared connection working from home or going through daily tasks, too. Building playlists together lets people share memories, talk about preferences, and connect in ways that few things do. Many music streaming services like Spotify now have collaborative playlists, making this a lot easier than it used to be.

Watch shows and/or movies together.

I always love a date night where couples cook together, sit down, and watch a show or movie together. That’s a part of a relationship that isn’t necessarily there when you’re long-distance. Thankfully, there are tons of ways we can recreate some aspects of that experience.

There are a number of apps that bring options to watch things at the same time, such as Discord, Plex, and Netflix. Apps or plug-ins like Synaptop and Kast can help, too.

You might not be able to sit down and watch something at the same time, and that’s okay. Figure out a time when you will both have been able to finish the episode or movie. Sit down and discuss your reactions and thoughts.

Play games together.

No, I’m not talking about Truth or Dare (although that’s an option). There are a ton of options to play games together now, from phone apps to Steam, console games, and several options to play tabletop games online such as Roll20.

Write erotica together.

With how often I talk about my sex life, people tend to be surprised when they hear I struggle with using words during sexual situations. The nice thing is that doesn’t have to stay the case and, honestly, I’m lucky to have partners that are trying to help me deal with that.

I still like whining about it, so don’t tell them I said that.

These can be one-off episodes or long-lasting situations. You can write all the erotica together or switch back and forth for each ‘chapter.’ To make the process extra fun, consider incorporating fantasies or things you know your partner(s) really enjoy.

You could also consider recording it and letting your partner hear erotica read in your voice. Heck, you can even do this with scripts others have written, like those on Gone Wild Audio.

Send each other voice messages throughout the day.

One of the things a lot of us are missing being able to socialize. Sending each other voice messages throughout the day can help remind us that we’re more than our jobs and the lives we have within our homes. It’s also just nice to hear a voice that isn’t in a work meeting or on another freaking webinar.

Take more pictures and videos.

Along with our struggle around socialization, it can be really comforting to actually see our partners. These pictures or videos don’t have to be sexy, although that can be fun. Just ensure that you have consent before sending sexy things.

Talk on the phone.

I generally detest phone calls, but I have really been missing interacting with key people in my life. When I’m on the phone with Sir, it feels like the miles between us melt away. Instead of worrying about time zones or obligations, we’re both in the same place, even if it’s just our voices.

Have video calls!

Look, I know Zoom Fatigue is all the rage to talk about. In the disability community, we’ve been relying on Zoom and other video call platforms for ages, though, and it’s a lot different for most of us.

It’s also a lot different to talk to a lover on video than sitting in a work meeting.

There are, of course, more niche technological things that allow for connection, including:

• • Friendship lights
  • Bracelets
  • VR headsets (like the Oculus Quest)
  • Specific apps

I don’t really have experience with these, so I’d suggest doing a good amount of research before investing in these costly things.

Send snail mail.

This is something that I do with a few of my close friends. With all of the digital stuff, it’s nice to have a tangible reminder that someone cares about you. From care packages to simple notes, it’s a really sweet thing to receive or to send off. Cute ‘just because’ gifts are always precious.

Consider sweet things, like writing a series of letters labeled ‘open when ___’ (e.g., when you’re having a rough day).

Read a book together.

Reading together is something I think is so intimate. Combine this with reading out loud to each other on a call, etc., and it can be a really enjoyable way to listen to your partner’s voice. Plus, you can trade off on who picks out the title, meaning you’re learning more about your partner and their likes than you might realize right away.

You can also read books one at a time and send them off to your partner. It’s fun to write cute notes in the margins – and a good excuse to send other tangible things!

Give each other little tasks.

Even without power exchange, completing tasks can bring a sense of fulfillment. These can be loving, fun, or sexy. If you know that, say, your partner struggles with putting away laundry, you can encourage them with rewards – or even punishments if they don’t complete the task.

Consider making plans for when you’ll get to see each other.

Right now, we need things to look forward to. It’s been a really hard year and most of us don’t know when we’re going to be able to see or visit many people we care about.

One thing that has given me a lot of joy has been planning a secluded getaway with Sir where COVID-19 can be the last thing on both of our minds. I don’t have to think about it for work or personally, and neither do they. Being in a spot where we’re not going to be able to really use our phones forces us to unplug. Thankfully, I think we both could really use that.

Lastly? Keep communicating, even when it feels awkward.

Look, communicating effectively can be really awkward. You might feel like you’re asking questions that seem silly or like things you should already know. It gets easier the more you continue to communicate. Thankfully, awkwardness is usually pretty endearing, too!