It’s time to answer more questions! Keep in mind that I’m not a doctor, even if my friends jokingly call me one. I’m hoping to make these posts more regularly. Between my day job in public health, top surgery in July, moving to a new state and in with my partner in August, and working on buying a house (wtf??), it’s been a hectic few months. Thanks for your patience, all.
I writes,
I have a new man in my life. My problem is he likes to hold me down and is very rough as says weird things during. I mean he doesn’t hurt me and he’s really sweet afterwards is this maybe just how he likes it or should there be red flags
This isn’t necessarily a new thing, but there are a lot of potential reasons why someone might like this. A lot of men grew up watching porn that isn’t exactly sweet or sensual, but more on the rougher side. Some folks just naturally gravitate to rougher experiences. I think the most important thing to think about is do you like it? It seems like you don’t – which is absolutely fair, especially if this wasn’t a thing you two talked about him doing beforehand. It’s okay to sit down with him and explain that this isn’t your jam or ask more in-depth questions about why he’s into it.
I hope this helps and that you’re able to find a healthy way to engage in sex together.
B writes,
My boyfriend asks me to do things for him in the bedroom and I always say I’m not comfortable doing them. He told me last night that I’m denying him sexual gratification. I told him I’ll try but I don’t feel comfortable. What should I do?
If you’re not comfortable doing something, you’re not comfortable with it. No is a full sentence, and you don’t have to explain yourself to someone else. Pulling the ‘denying gratification’ card is a really big red flag to me and it feels like he’s trying to pressure you into something you’re not okay doing. It’s probably worth sitting down and going through a yes/no/maybe list together – something that you would both ideally fill out ahead of time and then sit down to share and discuss. Make sure that you share how you need him to listen to your no. It might even be worth setting some other boundaries around that or talking about if a sexual relationship between the two of you is a good idea if he gets grumpy about it.
I hope that things work out and he’s able to listen to your feedback… but, if he isn’t? It’s more than okay to do whatever you need to do to feel safe.
R writes,
I have a partner who only wants to use condoms because he thinks it’s too risky to go without. I miss going without them when we first met we didn’t use them ever, never had any issues. Until he was caught by me doing some inappropriate activity with someone else. After he got an sti and I was completely fine he developed some redness but nothing grosser then that. He says they told him that even if a gay couple is monogamous they should always use condoms. I thought it’s like 95% OK to go without condoms if both are monogamous.
This sounds frustrating! It can be smart or easier to use condoms with some sexual acts, but by no means is it something you always have to do for gay sex – especially with a monogamous partner. Condoms are the best way to prevent possible STIs, so that’s one thing to keep in mind. Perhaps your partner feels poorly for having messed around and is trying to make sure that you know he wants to do whatever he can to make it up to you or protect you. Being the receptive partner during anal gives you a higher chance of microtears, which make it easier to catch infections – especially if you’re not using enough lube. (If you need lube info, Smitten Kitten has some great guides on one of their sites.)
Not to be a negative jerk or make you question this relationship, but there is also the risk that he might be messing around again.
I would say it’s probably time for a sit down (or another way to communicate if that’s easier) to talk through what’s been going on. Be prepared to consider compromising, like trying out an internal condom and seeing how that goes. The most important thing here is that you approach this convo with love, understanding, and trying not to put blame on your partner. Here’s a great 101 on non-violent communication techniques.
I hope that this helps – and that the two of you are able to talk through this without too much frustration.
S writes,
Can my vaginal ph balance hurt my boyfriend’s penis? He says that he’s tried everything to alleviate pain, and is accusing me of having an STI. But he’s the only guy I’ve slept with in a couple of years.
Vaginas are naturally acidic, so it’s definitely possible. Here’s another person who has dealt with this. The person who provided the answer to that question suggested Canesten Antifungal Cream to see if it helps. I would also say it’s probably worth a visit to the doctor for both of you to talk through what you’re experiencing and ensure that there isn’t an underlying medical issue.
M writes,
My boyfriend spent the night for the first time last night. He opened my nightstand drawer and found my vibrator. At first, he didn’t know what it was… he realized what it was and he acted fine, but he also was quiet most of the day after.
My guess is that your boyfriend felt a little insecure. Sometimes guys think there’s a competition between them and sex toys. We know this isn’t the case, but it can hurt their pride – even if the sex toy was there first. I’m giving you official permission to tell him that this is not a big deal. A ton of people have sex toys – hell, I have a whole under-bed tote full of them – and it doesn’t mean that we value our partners any less or differently. Toys can be helpers in the bedroom – for example, if your boyfriend orgasmed quickly and you still want to play. They can also be major self-care tools and even medical tools.
Here are a few links where people have run into similar issues:
I think it worth asking him to write something in, say, a google doc about what he felt in that moment and if he has any lingering feelings. That way, he can cool down before you two sit down and talk about it.
L writes,
I had sex for the first time yesterday. Everything was fine and I didn’t even bleed. I had sex again today and we had to stop cuz I was bleeding like a fair amount. Why would that happen? Am I ok?
Bleeding during the first time is normally associated with breaking the hymen. Sometimes it takes a while of being sexually active for that to stop. Even after that, bleeding after or during sex isn’t usually something to be too worried about – especially if you and your partner(s) are being vigorous, rough, or a little more intense than normal. Same goes for if your vagina isn’t as lubricated as it could be, which is all the more reason to use lube even if you don’t think you ‘need’ it. Just make sure that you know what’s in it and all that good stuff.
That said, there can also be other reasons you might be experiencing bleeding. If it continues longer than a day, is bothering you, or if there’s a lot of blood? Try to go see a doctor or visit a space like Planned Parenthood.
G writes,
After many years of living and loving in an open relationship my wife no longer wants (has) any sexual needs. I’ve increasingly wanted to re-establish these intimate relationships and now find myself longing to watch her with new and other lovers. Additionally I’d so love to watch her with a BBC lover/s and try a sex lover too. How can I resolve these unachievable desires?
I was in a similar situation with my ex, for different reasons, which is what led us to opening up our relationship. I needed that kind of attention and love, and it wasn’t something he could give. It’s perfectly normal and okay to recognize this and make other arrangements, provided everyone has consented. Since she doesn’t have sexual desire right now, I think it would be best to have a conversation about you seeking sexual gratification elsewhere instead of being so focused on being sexual with her. That’s probably putting a lot of awkward stress on her on top of what the two of you might already be dealing with due to the pandemic and state of the world.
I would highly suggest checking out the book Building Open Relationships: Your hands-on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond! by Dr. Liz Powell. Dr. Liz is an amazing human and I really loved their book. (Note to self: add writing a review about this to your giant to-do list.)
As far as the BBC situation… I would invite you to unpack the ways that this could be harmful and racist.
I had a few other questions in my inbox, but they’re more detailed and personal so I feel uncomfortable answering them here. One of them will probably wind up inspiring a post on here at some point, though, when I’ve figured out how to respond to it.
I will say that there seems to be a theme lately to these questions. That theme is a lack of communication. Your partners need to know what you’re feeling or are struggling with. I’m always happy to help give guidance but, at the end of the day, I’m not your partner and I can’t solve most of these issues. What can work towards solving them is sitting down and having frank conversations with your partners.
This also means you’re going to have to let your guard down. It’s hard to be vulnerable, to stop being the strong one. That means we have to feel and process our feelings and, right now, that includes a lot of grief. If there’s one thing I know, though, it’s that you can do this. I believe in you.
Have a question you want to be answered? Leave a comment below – I won’t publish the comment but instead will reach back out to you – or send me an email.