Answering Your Questions #4

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

You have questions – I (sometimes) have answers.

two genderqueer people talk on a couch

S writes,

I don’t wanna seem mean because I love my husband. The problem: I married him knowing he had a small penis. The issue is a few years ago, he had a groin injury that has greatly reduced his size. It’s actually a turn off seeing him naked because there is nothing there. I can’t even feel if he goes in or not and most the time he can’t penatrate me because it’s so short and just pops in and out. Don’t wanna seem cruel but sex is an important part of a relationship and the only penetration I’ve had in 3 years is when he puts on a hollow strap on. I showed a pic to my very best friend I trust and she couldn’t believe it. Said she didn’t think it was possible for a man in shape like my husband to be that small. Really need advice on what I can or should do please.

This isn’t something that I’m really equipped to help with, though. I would strongly suggest reaching out to a sex therapist and discussing the issue with them. They can help you navigate what this might mean for your relationship with your partner and even help the two of you communicate around this.

I also want to say that it was not okay for you to show a photo of your husband’s penis to someone without his consent. I would strongly suggest that you share with him that you did so and apologize. While sex can be a healthy part of a relationship, it’s even more important to have trust in your partner – and to be honest if you’ve broken that trust.

one person looking at another as they look at their phone

W asks,

The days ago I had my first sexual intercourse. We did use condoms. Today when I woke up and went to the bathroom it felt like beginning of some infection down there and when I was wiping something like a bloody small (1mm maybe?) skin-tag like thing came out of my vaginal area. I started feeling like fainting as well. What could be the reason to that? And what is that small thingy?

Often when people begin having sex, it can take a while for the body to adjust to some of the sensations. If you’re not used to utilizing lubrication, you may want to start as it can help with that feeling. Here are a few articles to consider:

It could also be irritation as a reaction to the condoms, so check to see if you have a latex allergy.

As far as the skin tag-like thing, it’s likely a part of your hymen.

If things haven’t calmed down, I would suggest looking into seeing a medical provider.

photo of two people touch hands against one of their thighs - photo has been edited to look like its on a vhs

K asks,

The one thing that distracts me when I am trying to be intimate is my worry of how I feel for my partner. When it comes to penetration I always worry that I’m not tight enough. My ex’s last words to me was that i was really loose. It’s been eating me alive and ruining my sex life.

I’m really sorry that your ex made you feel that way. There is no one way to tell if someone is ‘tight’ enough – and even then, being ‘tight’ isn’t realistic. Vaginas are meant to expand and contract.
The time to worry about being ‘loose’ is actually if you are struggling with incontinence like leaking urine when you laugh, sneeze, etc. And you can actually have ‘too tight’ of a vagina. As someone who has been there, it’s the single most painful thing I’ve been through – surgeries included.
You could always ask your primary care provider or OB/GYN about seeing a pelvic floor therapist for evaluation if you’re concerned or, again, experiencing incontinence. Otherwise, your vagina is likely fine. If you’re concerned about how your partner might feel, share those feelings with them. It’s absolutely more than fine to do that – and you should. A therapist can likely help you reframe thoughts in order to share them.

photo of two people about to kiss with rosy filter

T asks,

I want to have sex with my ex. We have 3 boys together. It’s only been about 5 months and neither of us have seen or been seeing anyone. I know she likes spontaneous sex but sometimes it’s better to ask. She takes our boys to school then is home untill she has to pick them up. I’m pretty sure she wants to do what I’m asking is should I just show up or should I ask?

Always ask. Always. You also should be honest with her about why you’re interested in this – is this just for sex? Is it because you miss her? Honesty is going to be key to having any kind of relationship with her moving forward, even if there’s no sex at all.

two trans masc people at a bar, smiling at each other - filter applied to look older

M asks,

Why do i always get a feeling like I have to pee after i almost finish. Is this blue balls for girls? I don’t have a UTI i got tested

Without being a medical provider and examining you, I can’t say. Please visit a medical provider or Planned Parenthood for evaluation.

two people have a tense conversation on the couch - filter applied puts most things in black and white except a few things in the background

B asks,

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. Our relationship has always been on emotional side as sex is not accepted in our culture before marriage at all. We don’t even talk about it at all. We have tried couple of times and its very painful for me and not fun at all… We try and we give up. We are thinking about having a baby soon, and I want this experience to be fun and exciting.

First off, I would highly suggest reaching out to a medical provider or a sex therapist for an evaluation. You could be dealing with something medical that I’m not able to treat since I am not a healthcare provider. They can also help you find a way to deal with any body image issues you may also be having.

Secondly, in order to share with your partner what you’re dealing with and what you might rather be feeling, exploring some things is going to be key. If you have alone time, open up an incognito window and look into porn sites. You may want to start with something that is more audio-based first if it makes you feel more comfortable. Feel Good Filth (Spotify, Patreon, Twitter, YouTube, Reddit, website) is a great audio performer to start with. Figure out what kind of wording or scenarios turn you on. Then move to porn that’s more visual. Reddit boards have a lot of porn and you can easily make an account without much information on it to explore. You’re also going to need to explore which kinds of sensations your body responds to or that you find sexy. One reason you may be having pain with sexual activity is if you’re not very turned on. Your body likely isn’t going to produce as much lubrication then, meaning the sex won’t feel great. Look into purchasing lubrication like Uberlube as well.

Thirdly, you’re going to have to talk about sex with your partner at some point – even if it’s to say you’re in the mood or not in the mood, etc. Try to think about ways you can practice this. A therapist can help you do this as well – and help you find culturally competent resources to help you. If you’re in the US, Inclusive Therapists is a great way to find someone who will ‘get’ you.

 

photo of two people hold hands - photo has been edited to look like its old

A asks,

I’ve never had sex with a man but I’ve already used sex toys (e.g. dildo). My question is: am I still a virgin? Or does it make me not a virgin anymore?

Virginity is a concept and not a fact. That said, the use of toys doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be a virgin anymore.

two people snuggling in bed while drinking coffee

Takeaways

After answering a number of questions over the last year or so where I don’t have the answers, I really need to stress that y’all need to start communicating with your sexual partners more. Please.

I love answering questions and being able to help y’all, but some of these things I can’t even begin to address because I’m not your sexual partner.

bernie sanders - "i am once again ask for you to talk to your partners about your sex lives instead of asking a stranger"