Communication is the foundation of any healthy and lasting relationship. That shouldn’t be a surprise. After all, no partner can read minds or guess what you need at all times. Most of the questions I get really boil down to partners not communicating due to fear, worry, stigma, and more.

The truth is that communication isn’t just stating facts and opinions. It’s the way we express emotions, empathy and support. One of the most important aspects of communication with your partner is telling them how you feel about them and expressing your appreciation, love and commitment. These words of affirmation and validation can make a huge difference in your relationship and strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

Let’s dig into some of the important things that you and your partner need to do so that you both feel loved, appreciated, and supported.

Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation

It’s important to acknowledge the effort that your partner puts into the relationship. Whether it’s cooking dinner, picking up groceries, or doing the laundry, take a moment to say thank you. These small acts of appreciation can make a big difference in making your partner feel seen, valued, and loved.

Beyond thanking your partner for their actions, it’s also important to express gratitude for who they are as a person. What are the things you love the most about them? Tell them about it! Let them know you appreciate their sense of humor, creative problem solving, compassion, or any other qualities that make them unique. You might even compliment them on things they’re insecure about, but try to gauge how comfortable they are with that feedback. If you need some compliment ideas, here is a collection of 28 compliments to get you started.

Make sure you also let them know how much you appreciate them just being there. No matter what you’re going through, it’s important to let your partner know how much their support means to you. Whether it’s an emotional or practical issue, express gratitude for their willingness to be there for you.

Expressing your feelings and appreciation for your partner can never be harmful to a relationship. However, it’s important to find a balance and not overdo it. Like everything in life, moderation is key. Too much of anything, including love and affection, can sometimes become overwhelming and suffocating. Talk about how often feels comfortable for you both. I’ve been in relationships where compliments were almost nonexistant, which didn’t work for me. On the flip side, my current relationship is full of them – and it makes all the difference.

Words of Affirmation and Encouragement

Positive feedback and encouragement can go a long way in making your partner feel good about themselves. It’s important to provide a safe environment for them to express themselves, and to give them support and encouragement when they need it.

Supporting your partner’s goals and ambitions is an important part of a healthy relationship. Encourage them to pursue their dreams, and be their biggest cheerleader along the way. When your partner achieves something, no matter how big or small, let them know you’re proud of them. A simple “well done” or “congratulations” can make them feel appreciated and loved.

Everyone has their own way of expressing and receiving love. It’s possible that your partner might not be as expressive as you are. It is important to communicate with your partner about how you feel and make an effort to understand their needs and preferences. Try to find out what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated and adjust your approach accordingly.

Validation and Empathy

Listening is one of the most important skills in a relationship. And I mean listening to understand, not just to respond. When your partner expresses their concerns, take the time to really listen and understand where they’re coming from.

Validation is key to making your partner feel heard and understood. Let them know that their feelings are valid, and that you’re there to support them. Validating their feelings doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way or agree with their interpretation of a situation. What it does mean is being respectful, not making assumptions, and practicing empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and feel what your partner is going through. By putting yourself in their shoes, you can show them that you truly care about their well-being. Again, that doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree about a variety of things. However, you want to ensure that they feel comfortable to share their truth with you – and that you can do the same with them.

Conflicts and Fights

Conflicts and misunderstandings are a natural part of any relationship. A lot of people try to avoid conflict but, in reality, conflicts can help strengthen the bond between you and your partner if handled correctly. It’s important to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully with your partner. Doing that can help you to work together to find a resolution. Remember that forgiveness, empathy and compromise are key to a healthy and lasting relationship.

When you have a disagreement or get into a conflict, don’t belittle or demean your partner. Don’t bring previous fights into the conversation or keep score of who ‘wins’ fights. Remember that it’s okay and even awesome to take a break, go for a walk or play a game, and then have a conversation about the situation once the tension and emotions have calmed down.

Lastly, it’s not always about being right. It’s more important that both people feel respected and heard. Even if you’re right, if you make your partner feel bad, then nobody wins.

Apologies and Forgiveness

When you make a mistake, it’s important to take responsibility for your actions. Own up to your mistakes, even when it’s hard. Take the time to apologize sincerely. That can go a long way in repairing a relationship. Avoid making excuses or blaming others, and focus on making amends with your partner.

A proper apology includes several pieces:

• Acknowledge: Acknowledge what occurred and exactly how you caused harm. Be specific, not vague.
• Changes: Promise changes in behavior that are spelled out. This allow your partner to hold you accountable to your promises. If you’re unsure what would help them feel comfortable, take time to craft these together with your partner.
• Restitution and Resolution: Offer to take additional actionable steps as your partner sees fit. That might look different for every situation, but could include things like taking on specific household tasks all the way up to going to couple’s therapy.

Just as it’s important to apologize sincerely, it’s also important to forgive your partner when they apologize to you. When your partner messes up, you need to remember that they likely didn’t mean to hurt you. (If they did, that’s another conversation!) Consider the things you know about them and remember that they are a good person. They just made a mistake because they’re human – just like you.

As long as what happened wasn’t a dealbreaker, show that you have respect for them and your relationship. Try to work together to built an even stronger relationship.

Support and Partnership

Relationships are about more than just love and romance. They are also about being a source of support and partner to your significant other. When your partner is going through a tough time, it’s important to offer your help and support in any way you can. Whether it’s taking on more household chores or just being a listening ear, the act of showing up can make all the difference.

If your partner starts sharing a frustration with work or something outside of your relationship, ask them what type of support would be best for them in that moment. Could they use advice? A space just to vent? Empathy and validation? If they can’t tell you what would be the most helpful, try to listen until the end of their story before you ask about offering advice.

In addition, it’s important to show support for your partner’s decisions, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. Remember, you’re a team, and it’s essential to work together to achieve your goals. When you’re able to offer support and work together, your relationship can grow stronger and more resilient.

Honesty and Transparency

Honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Being open and honest about your feelings, even when they’re difficult to share, is crucial for building trust and intimacy. It’s also important to discuss any difficult topics or issues that arise in your relationship. Avoiding these conversations can lead to resentment and frustration, which can ultimately damage your relationship. Trust me – my divorce a few years ago was, in part, due to a lack of both honesty and transparency from both of us.

Transparency about your intentions is another key component of a healthy relationship. Be clear about what you want and need from your partner. Tell them in the moment or as soon as you realize what might be helpful. Be sure to listen to their needs as well. When you’re both on the same page, you can build a stronger foundation for your relationship.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell if your partner is doing something wrong or if it’s just your own insecurities making you feel that way. It’s okay to talk about it and try to figure out what’s really going on. And if it turns out that it’s your own insecurity causing the problem, it’s important to be honest about it and work on improving yourself. Remember, relationships take work, but with honesty and patience, you can make it stronger than ever!

Logistics

When you think about a relationship, you probably have an idea of how it should be. It’s important that both people in the relationship share responsibilities and make time for each other while also having time for themselves, like engaging in hobbies. You absolutely need things that you enjoy doing together, too.

Talk about what the division of labor might look like in your relationship. You and your partner should figure out what you’re both good at and what you like or don’t like doing. For example, maybe your partner likes cleaning but hates taking out the trash, so you can do that instead. Maybe you really do share everything roughly 50/50, taking turns doing things like cleaning the bathroom or cooking meals.

It’s important to talk about how you’ll handle money too. That might include talking about how much you can each spend on something without asking each other about the purchase or how you’ll decide on vacations. Have meetings to talk about this stuff so that you’re both on the same page. I always suggest setting aside at least one night a month (or week!) to talk about things like this, work on budgets or paying bills together, and giving each other feedback about how things have been going. You could talk about what went well since the last check-in, what didn’t go well, concerns you have about events coming up, etc.

It might seem silly, but it’s a good way to stay connected and grow together.

Future Plans and Commitment

Talking about your future together is an important step in any committed relationship. Discussing your goals and dreams as a couple can help you build a shared vision for your future. It’s also important to express your commitment to your partner and your relationship. When you’re both committed to making your relationship work, you’ll be better equipped to handle any challenges that come your way.

Love and Affection

Love and affection are essential components of any relationship. Expressing your love and affection in words is important, but it’s also crucial to demonstrate it through your actions. Whether it’s surprising your partner with a thoughtful gesture or simply being present in the moment, these small acts of affection can go a long way in strengthening your bond.

Physical affection and intimacy can also be important components of a healthy relationship. Whether it’s cuddling on the couch or holding hands in public, physical touch can help build a deeper connection between you and your partner. If sex is a part of your relationship, consider walking through a Yes/No/Maybe list.

Things to Be Mindful Of

It’s important to know that you are responsible for your own happiness, not your partner. Of course, it’s great to do nice things for each other and make each other happy, but don’t expect your partner to be the only source of your happiness. You should figure out what makes you happy on your own. That can be hobbies, work, volunteering, time with friends – whatever it is, find that space for you. Focus on being happy yourself and then share that happiness with your partner.

Don’t give up who you are for the person you’re with, either. That can quickly lead to resentment.

Wait, What If I Struggle with Communication?

Look, we all struggle with it from time to time. I grew up in a household where there were no boundaries and where every adult was emotionally immature. I know how hard it is to be emotionally vulnerable. It is hard to get to the point where you feel comfortable sharing a variety of things, especially tough emotions. Believe me when I say that all that hard work is worth it, though. It helps to improve the health and longevity of your relationship.

I know it sounds weird, but hear me out for a second. If you’re feeling upset about something, it’s important to talk about it with your partner. This helps you both understand each other better and shows that you’re not hiding anything. Even if it’s something you’re embarrassed or scared to share, it can actually help you feel better and bring you closer together. It gives them the opportunity to help you process, grieve, or work past something together.

Some effective ways to improve communication include active listening, expressing your thoughts and feelings in a respectful and empathetic manner, and being open to feedback from your partner. You can also try attending individual therapy to work through feelings. Attending couples therapy or workshops together can help you both to enhance your communication skills. Sometimes approaching it as a team effort makes all the difference.

Takeaway

The Disney myth of Happily Ever After isn’t something that exists effortlessly. It’s something that we have to work at every single day. Like any muscle, it becomes harder to communicate the longer you don’t use those skills.

Work to express your love, appreciation and support. It truly is crucial for maintaining a strong and healthy relationship with your partner. Remember to communicate openly, honestly and empathetically, and make an effort to show your partner how much you care through both your words and actions. By doing so, you can create a deeper connection with your partner and build a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Photo used courtesy of Gender Spectrum