Your How-to Guide to Playing with a Disabled Kinkster

More people living with chronic pain, illness, and disabilities are getting into kink and BDSM. There are so many reasons, ranging from relieving pain to owning our bodies to fun. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that half of all adult Americans have one or more chronic illnesses which could be disabling.

With so many people using kink with health issues, it’s important to be aware of the best practices for playing with people like me.

Read the full article on Kink Weekly.

S2E12: The Problem with Woodhull and Tantus

TW discussion of sterilization, and mentions of rape and incest.

photo of a person sitting on a dimly lit street with their back turned against a white background - the background has black text - Season 2, Episode 12 - The Problem with Woodhull & Tantus

Today, I’m rambling about the Woodhull Foundation and Tantus – and how they’ve messed up big time.

And, finally, on a happy note: Kate over at Girly Juice wrote a great post about the 25 Sex Educators/Writers of Color You Should Follow Right Now.

PS my sound gets crappy. I’m not sure why, but I’m going to look at a new mic today.

Transcript

Welcome, so the chronic sex podcast, chronic sex talks about how self love relationships, sex and sexuality are all affected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more. Given the range of subject matter. This podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18 and unless you have headphones You probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I’m your host.

Continue reading “S2E12: The Problem with Woodhull and Tantus”

Review: Gaelynn Lea’s ‘Learning How to Stay’

As fun as it can be to review sex toys, I love reviewing all kinds of things. I’m incredibly lucky to have fallen into an interesting space where I get to review sexuality-focused gear. I’ve loved reviewing a wide range of other things. I will say, though, that it’s been a few years since I reviewed an album.

Yikes… okay, it’s been a decade. This is what happens when you start getting close to middle age, kids.

Thankfully, my friend Gaelynn Lea offered her new album – Learning How to Stay – in exchange for my thoughts about it.

First off, if you don’t know who Gaelynn is – or why we’ve connected – this video is mandatory viewing.

I apologize for the lack of subtitles. TedX is notorious for that, even when they’ve had D/deaf and hard of hearing speakers.

Simply put, Gaelynn is amazing. Her music brings in the coolest mix of celtic notes, folksy melodies, and amazing harmonies.

Continue reading “Review: Gaelynn Lea’s ‘Learning How to Stay’”

S2E11: Amy of Coffee And Kink

Today, I’m joined by my friend Amy. She writes at coffeeandkink.me. You can find her cute merch at http://coffeeandkink.me/merchandise-shop/ and her Patreon at patreon.com/coffeeandkink. Please check below for other links to check out on her site:

The disabled kinkster guest piece we discussed: http://coffeeandkink.me/2018/03/28/disabled-kinkster-pippin-strange/

Amy’s Smutathon: http://coffeeandkink.me/2018/06/29/smutathon-2018/

Dr. Emma Sheppard’s work: https://ladylikepunk.wordpress.com/

Some health updates and my latest newsletter: eepurl.com/dGeXgL
TeePublic store: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/chronic-sex

Transcript

Welcome, so the chronic sex podcasts, chronic sex talks about how self love relationships, sex and sexuality are all effected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more. Give you a range of subject matter. This podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18 and Melissa had. You probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I’m your host.

Continue reading “S2E11: Amy of Coffee And Kink”

What To Do When Your STI Clinic Isn’t Accessible

This post is sponsored by Health Labs. All content is mine, though, as usual.

black and white background and text: "what to do when your sti clinic isn't accessible - chronic sex"

It’s happened to a lot of us. You open your phone to a text from a former hookup saying, “Hey, you should probably get tested…” As a sex educator, I know those conversations are hard. How are you supposed to respond? Do you say, “Hey, thanks for the heads up” or get defensive? Do you hold space for them?

Actionably following up on these texts can be even more difficult. Where do you go? Should you see your primary doctor, or will that bring up shame? Does your local Planned Parenthood have openings anytime soon? Is there another testing option?

While these situations are difficult for any person, they often get harder for many of us. As someone who is genderfluid, queer, and disabled, I have to prepare myself for crappy interactions, especially in health care.

For one, STI clinics are notoriously inaccessible. They’re often small and crowded. Like Andrew, we may not even be able to get inside a testing location. There may be no temperature control inside. Workers there may wear too much perfume or use plug-in fragrance dispensers. People like Rachael and I – and many others – would need extra medication, transportation, and scent-proof masks to protect ourselves.

Again, like Andrew, we may encounter health care providers who are shocked that we’re having sex. This is especially true when we’ve visibly disabled or even fat. It feels like going into a losing battle when I know I have to defend myself.

On top of that, testing almost always means having to ‘come out’ in one sense or another. Providers need to know which spaces to swab and take a look at. Even though we should be able to have these conversations, they also open us up for judgments. Are these providers queer friendly? Will they judge me based on my gender expression and genitals? Do they think non-monogamy is satanic?

For those of us who live in less accepting or rural spaces, we may not have a space safe enough to go for testing. When I was growing up in Eugene, most adults in my family had the same primary care doctor. Today, the man is nearly 60 years old. He has seen each generation from my great grandparents to me when I was little.

Would I be able to trust that he wouldn’t share an STI test with gossiping gals in my family? I honestly don’t think I could.

For people who are on their parents’ or someone else’s insurance, a concern over privacy goes way deeper than for others. A statement or explanation of benefits often gets sent to the person in whose name the insuarnce is listed. If you’re a young adult whose parents don’t know you’re sexually active, you might be forced to have that conversation.

“What do I do when there’s not a good space to go?”

This is one of those moments I thank the deities for the internet.

There are tests out there you can easily order online. I don’t trust a lot of them, though, if they don’t run through proper labs.

You can always reach out to organizations such as Planned Parenthood to find clinics near you they’d endorse. You can also call around to local clinics and ask about any accessibility needs you may have. Of course, that’s not a great option for many of us who have anxiety around phone calls, but it could be a viable alternative.

Thankfully, Health Labs also has a great selection of STI-related tests! I’d recommend their Comprehensive STD Panel, unless you’re only looking for a specific STI test. You can see their offerings here.

How does it work?

Health Labs works with Quest Diagnostics and have a handy testing center locator. You can contact locations and ask about their accessibility before you pay, too, which is nice. I’d much rather know that a space traditionally uses air deoderizers that I’m allergic to than have no idea – at least I can prepare!

First, you go order your test and pay for it on the site. They don’t accept insurance which can helpful for anyone worried about an insurance issue.

Then, you simply show up at whatever location works best for you with your receipt to get your tests done. There’s no scheduling to do!

You get your test results within a couple days. You’re alerted via email that your results are in. All you have to do is log into your account to view them.

Make sure to get in touch with a health care provider for the proper treatment if you test positive for anything. Many STIs can be cleared up with a course of antibiotics! During the time you receive treatment, it’s important to take proper precautions with partners. It’s no fun to pass any infection back and forth!

Above all, remember to have conversations with recent partners if you test positive for an STI. Their consent relies on your disclosure.

Awareness Calendar for September

Month:

  • Alcohol & Drug Addiction
  • Alzheimer’s
  • Atrial Fibrillation
  • Blood Cancer
  • Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease
  • Childhood Cancer
  • Cholesterol Education
  • Craniofacial Acceptance
  • Food Safety Education
  • Guide Dogs!
  • Gynecologic Cancer
  • Healthy Aging
  • Hispanic Heritage Month (Sept 15-Oct 15)
  • Hunger
  • ITP (immune thrombocytopenia)
  • Menopause
  • Newborn Screening
  • Ovarian Cancer
  • Pain
  • Pediculosis Prevention Month/Head Lice Prevention
  • Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)
  • Prostate Cancer
  • Pulmonary Fibrosis
  • Rheumatic Disease
  • Reye’s Syndrome
  • Self-Awareness
  • Self-Improvement
  • Sepsis
  • Sexual Health
  • Sickle Cell
  • Sports Eye Safety
  • Thyroid Cancer
  • Traumatic Brain Injury
  • Yoga

Days/weeks:

  • International Bacon Day (2)
  • World Sexual Health Day (4)
  • Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Awareness Day (9)
  • Healthcare Environmental Services Week (9-15)
  • National Suicide Prevention Week (9-15)
  • World Suicide Prevention Day (10)
  • Celiac Awareness Day (13)
  • Neonatal Nurses Day (15)
  • World Lymphoma Awareness Day (15)
  • Usher Syndrome Awareness Day (15)
  • Global Female Condom Day (16)
  • Clean Hands Week (16-22)
  • Prostate Cancer Awareness Week (16-22)
  • National Rehabilitation Awareness Week (17-23)
  • National HIV/AIDS & Aging Day (18)
  • World Alzheimer’s Day (21)
  • RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) Day (21)
  • Falls Prevention Awareness Day (22)
  • Bisexual Pride Day (23)
  • International Ataxia Awareness Day (25)
  • Women’s Health and Fitness Day (26)
  • Malnutrition Awareness Week (26-30)
  • National Gay Men’s HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (27)
  • Global Day of Action for Access to Safe and Legal Abortion (28)
  • World Rabies Day (28)
  • World Heart Day (29)
  • Family Health and Fitness Day (29)
  • Sport Purple for Platelets Day (30)

Treat Your Tokus!

On right, white person with a crystal necklace holding buttplugs; On left, grey lined background with black text - final day! 25% off a defined collection - use code TOKUS - valid August 30 & 31, 2018

Vibrant is having their final Anal August sale!

You can save 25% off their curated collection of booty goodies. Make sure to use the code TOKUS to save!

If you don’t find what you want in that collection, you can use CHRONICSEX to save 10% off another order. You can’t double up codes – sorry!

What are you waiting for? Go pick up some lube, condoms, or butt plugs! The sales ends at 11:59 PM Mountain Time on August 31st.

#ChronicSex Chat Is Back!

That’s right – chat is back this week!

Willow and Alyssa from the Beautiful Bodies podcast will be guest hosting. The topic? Body positivity!

Make sure to join us on Twitter using the tag #ChronicSex on August 30th at 8 pm Eastern/5 pm Pacific.

See ya then!

Would you like to host/co-host chat, be a guest on the podcast, write a blog post, or anything else? Email me at kirsten -at- chronicsex -dot- org.

Anonymous Questions Answered #2

Questions are coming in and I love it! I’ve been bad at responding to them, so here is the latest batch. Have a question you want to ask anonymously? Head over to AskFm to ask your own!

This is from AJ:

I let my boyfriend put only the tip of his penis in my vagina (like not even that much and for like a second) yet I started bleeding. It can’t be my periods as I don’t start for another 3 days and I’m not bleeding throughout the day. So does this mean I’ve lost my virginity??? (He was also fingering me before this when I wasn’t even wet yet so maybe it could be from that). I’m just very confused.

Vaginas can be really sensitive with interactions, especially if you haven’t been fingered or penetrated before. If you had a hymen, even if it was partially broken before, it could cause the bleeding. The breaking of the hymen is what we generally think of as losing virginity.* Fingering can cause microtears, especially if someone isn’t wearing gloves that cover their fingernails. Unfortunately, those microtears can collect bacteria from fingernails, hands, and more, leading to infections. Consider getting some gloves – and lube, which can reduce your risk for microtears, too – for your next round of finger fun. And make sure to snag condoms!

*Okay, soapbox time! Virginity is a social construct. When we think about it, we almost always think of women or vagina owners. Creating a clean versus unclean status, which is really what virginity is, makes it easy for men to categorize us. Seeing us as unclean is a way to shame us for having sexual freedom or enjoying pleasure. A hymen does not make or break virginity. Some people have hymens that have to be medically removed as they have no openings. Others have never had a hymen. It’s also easy to bust it doing mundane things like riding bikes or horses. Tldr; virginity was created by the patriarchy to keep us down. It isn’t real.

This is from JH:

This started happening 4 years ago. Before I had no issues with sex. I would either last for 30 minutes, occasionally 1 hour when I’m lucky or it ends briefly. I was ok with my sex life. But as of recently every time I’m getting busy it only last for 3 strokes or less. I thought maybe it was this girl but then the other girl I couldn’t even get it up the second my penis was getting there. When it’s coming to foreplay and blowjob there is no problem. I am afraid to date this girl because of this issue. And yes I been battling anxiety for years (since I was a kid) but it never did this to me. Somebody thought maybe I was turning gay, at one point I tried to watch gay porn to see if maybe that was it. It did nothing for me, it made me sick watching that shit. Anyone got any tips?

Oh this is a lot to unpack. Just because one kind of porn may not be something you enjoy doesn’t give you space to call it ‘shit’ or to act like it’s beneath you. That’s homomisic. I know it’s rooted in patriarchy, but being gay or queer or anything other than straight/heterosexual isn’t bad. I’m queer as fuck.

Okay, now, sex is an interesting thing. If you’re not having as much of it lately, it’s common for it to take less time for you to orgasm than it used to. It’s similar to a tolerance for pain that way. I highly suggest talking to a doctor. This could be nothing out of the ordinary. On the other hand, it could be a sign that you’ve got some unaddressed health issues – and some of those are dangerous. It could also be related to a medication or other treatment you’re on.

Allowing Ourselves to Feel Our Feelings

A few years ago – when I was still doing talk therapy – I brought T with me a couple of times. I felt like there was tension we needed to talk out, and I was right. It just wasn’t the tension I was expecting.

TW for abuse, shitty parenting, emotional incest, self-harm

dark blue background with teal bubbles and white text: Allowing Ourselves to Feel Our Feelings - and teal text: Chronic Sex; on right, photo of a white person covering their mouth

Growing up, I’ve always been that person who tries to cheer everyone up. It’s a habit that developed early in life. Living between two combative abusers, I learned very quickly that they were less likely to cause harm if they were happy. Naturally, then, anytime they were sad or upset, I would do my darnedest to cheer them up.

It’s a large part of why I’m such a sticker around rules, too. If rules are followed, rule-makers don’t harm us, right? (Of course, the political activist in me shudders at that sentence and wants to vomit, but it is what it is I guess?)

Of course, that also meant hiding a lot of my own feelings for the ‘benefit’ of others. For a long time, I had two moods – happy and brooding. When I was happy, I would dance to the latest radio pop and hip-hop songs. When I wasn’t, I listened to a lot of Linkin Park and the beginnings of screamo.

It’s hard to find healthy coping mechanisms in a space full of harm. When I got out and away from my family, I still had to deal with a lot of abuse. It wasn’t until four years ago when I cut contact with my mother that I actually was able to start healing.

The euphoria of that separation, of cutting off codependency and emotional incest, combined with getting married was something I was able to ride for a long time. As they always do, though, that high wore off. I began to realize that I wasn’t as healed as I thought. That’s when I started therapy which helped for a little while.

Continue reading “Allowing Ourselves to Feel Our Feelings”