Author: Grayson Schultz

SSC is Ableist – Let’s Use RACK Instead

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

TW saneism, ableism

photo of a long haired person looking away from the camera with black text: SSC is Ableist - Let's Use RACK Instead and Chronic Sex

There is one well-known tenet in the BDSM and kink world – all parties must give consent. That said, there are a few different ideas around that consent. Two ways of talking about it are SSC and RACK. Today, we’re gonna look at both.

Definitions

Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC)

SSC is a long-standing term within kink communities. It means that acts should be safe, agreed to under a ‘sane’ frame of mind, and obviously should be consensual. The term came about in the early 1980s from the S&M scene’s David Stein.

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

This term from the late 1990s came from Gary Switch who wanted to have a more fitting acronym for kink play. The idea of replacing safe with risk-aware acknowledges that safety is almost never ensured in anything we do. Instead, we should be aware of the risks before engaging in an activity. This is also why I’ve started to call ‘safe’ sex risk-aware sex instead. It’s just more accurate.

Other terms you might see:

  • Committed, Compassionate, Consensual (CCC)
  • Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK)
  • Communities may also have their own terms

Each of these alternate terms remove some of the stigma SSC was meant to fight without making false claims about safety. They also remove the ableist component present in SSC.

SSC is Ableist

I’m not sane. My depression, anxiety, and PTSD ensure that. There is no condition I will ever be in that makes me sane in body or mind. As someone who engages in kink to help my chronic pain and PTSD, I need a community that uses a more accurate and compassionate term.

I hesitate to think who I would be without my chronic pain or mental health issues. What I can say is I’d likely not be involved in kink. I’m definitely not alone in that.

We’ve all grown so much since SSC came about. Hell, I wasn’t even born! We should be growing the terms we use for our communities, too. In an age where we’re focused on highlighting marginalized voices, can we really afford alienating some because we don’t want to use a new term? I don’t think so.

Awareness Calendar for August

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Month:

  • Alternative Sex Month
  • Anal August
  • Autoinflammatory Awareness
  • Cataract
  • Children’s Eye Health and Safety
  • Dental Implant
  • Gastroparesis
  • Immunization
  • Medic Alert
  • Psoriasis
  • Spinal Muscular Atrophy

Day/week:

  • Minority Donor Awareness Day (1)
  • World Breastfeeding Week (1-7)
  • Grab Some Nuts Day (3)
  • Underwear Day (6)
  • Klippel-Feil Syndrome Awareness Day (6)
  • Severe M.E. Awareness Day (8)
  • National Health Center Week (13-19)
  • Fungal Disease Awareness Week (13-19)
  • National Honey Bee Day (19)
  • Internet Self-Care Day (21)
  • A Day for SJIA (22)
  • Women’s Equality Day (26)

Emotional Incest Has Long-Lasting Effects

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

TW: emotional incest, childhood emotional abuse, harmful parental relationships, sexual assault

 

photo of a person with a skirt walking away from the camera on a road; green circle overlay with white text: Emotional Incest Has Long-Lasting Effects - Chronic Sex

When I was a little girl, my mom told me it was us against the world. That alone would’ve been fine if she didn’t rely on me for so much. From the time I was three or four onward, I had to consciously carry her emotionally. I became the parent that not only I needed, but she needed, too.

a young Kirsten stands outside in a colorful early 90s outfit

This is called emotional incest. I became essentially my mother’s keeper – not only her parent but the equivalent to her partner. When she started dating, I would have conflicting feelings about whomever she was seeing. Any teenager would have, but it was different. There was a layer of mothering where I worried about her choices – especially since she wanted to share sexual details I didn’t need to know – but also some jealousy. Of course, my feelings became even more complicated when one of her boyfriends sexually assaulted me… and she stayed with him for almost a year afterward.

My teenage years were horrible because of it. I was struggling to gain my independence at a time everyone does, but it was much harder. The fights were more intense, more hurtful. I was so enmeshed with my mother that I couldn’t be myself. When I was in college, I had to get a job behind her back because she feared what the emotional and financial independence would cause. In both high school and college, she would threaten my friends and force them to leave over her embarassment of mishearing song lyrics. She’d call my boyfriends and chew them out in hours-long conversations.

Then again, she gave me her wedding planning book from the 80s when I was 15 and got a new boyfriend. She simulatneously kept pushing me to marry him while forbidding me to see him. Sometimes it was pushing me to be intimate with him and ask me questions about it while forbidding me to have sex.

It was bad. Really bad.

Continue reading “Emotional Incest Has Long-Lasting Effects” →

[FREE!] Hurts So Good at Smitten Kitten

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Smitten Kitten logo - a yellow cat against a light blue/teal background

I’m so excited to share that I’m presenting Hurts So Good at Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis!

The presentation will be on Sunday, August 5th, from 10 AM to noon. Since it’s in downtown, there isn’t on-site parking. Make sure to arrive a little early to find a spot. Like almost every single event at Smitten Kitten, it’s free!

Since it’s free, though, it’s important to RSVP early. You can email info@smittenkittenonline.com or call 612-721-6088. Seating is limited and our classes frequently fill to capacity. To guarantee your spot, you should RSVP early.

To arrange ASL interpretation, specific seating needs or to discuss other measures that will make the event more accessible to you, make sure to call or email. They’re always eager to help make everyone comfortable.

Smitten Kitten is at 3010 Lyndale Avenue South in Minneapolis.

Update: Holy crap, y’all! You filled up the class before Smitten Kitten could promo it!! We’ve set up a second session from 10 AM to noon on Sunday, September 16th, that is currently open.

Research Opportunity: Disability and Reproductive Health

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The following is a current research opportunity.

There is not enough research about women’s health–especially about women with disabilities!

We are doing this study to understand the day-to-day challenges of women with disabilities in getting women’s healthcare. We need a better way to learn how to provide the best care and meet the needs of reproductive-aged women with disability.

If you are an 18-40 year old woman with a physical, developmental, or cognitive disability, you may be eligible for our survey. Click here to go to the study page or email urad@utah.edu for more information. You can call 801-585-9360 if you’d like/need a member of the University of Utah nursing staff to assist you.

Additionally, filling out the survey gets you a chance to win a $20 Amazon gift card.

If you have questions, please contact Lauren Clark, RN, at 801-581-8576 or Sara Simonsen, CNM, at 801-595-9360.

Awareness Calendar for July

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

July is the awareness month for:

  • Cleft & Craniofacial issues
  • Cord Blood (esp. banking)
  • Eye Injury Prevention
  • Hemochromatosis Screening And Awareness Month
  • International Group B Strep Throat
  • Juvenile Arthritis
  • Minority Mental Health
  • Tickling!
  • UV Safety

Don’t forget these important awareness days, too:

  • Donate Life (8-21)
  • Heterochromia Day (12)
  • Social Media Giving Day (15)
  • Stress Down Day (24)
  • National African American Hepatitis C Action Day (25)
  • World Hepatitis Day (28)
  • World Day against Trafficking in Persons (30)
  • Orgasm Day (31)

Go forth and be awesome!

A Starter List of Genders & Gender Terms

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a photo of a person in a grey sweatshirt laying down looking up at us as if we are the sky; a teal overlay is on the left with white text: " A Starter List of Genders & Gender Terms " and " Chronic Sex "; between both texts is a black genderqueer icon

Gender is a complicated topic. People who aren’t familiar with the history of gender aren’t usually aware of how many genders have existed throughout history in a variety of cultures. Instead, they claim things like only two genders exist or that trans people are inherently misogynistic.

Anyone who is anything other than men and women get side-eyes and judgment over acceptance and conversation. People don’t understand what it’s like to be non-binary or why we might use other pronouns.

First, some terms

A couple of terms that will be important to understanding gender overall:

AFAB: Assigned female at birth.

AMAB: Assigned male at birth.

Femme: This can be a short-hand for feminine. Femmes usually have a more feminine gender expression. A person of any gender can be femme.

Intersex: Someone who was born with a combination of male and female anatomy and/or chromosomes. The antonym for intersex is Dyadic: Someone who is not intersex.

Masc: This can be a short-hand for masculine or someone who has a more masculine gender expression. A person of any gender can be masc.

This is not to be confused with mask, which everyone should be wearing in the year of our lord 2020.

Gender expression: how someone expresses or performs their gender; includes hairstyle, clothing, and accessories.

 

Gender Terms

Agender or gender neutrois: Does not have a gender.

Androgynous: Appearing gender neutral.

Aporagender: A strong gender identity that is neither male nor female.

Bigender: Encompassing male and female gender identities. Ambigender is a similar term.

Butch: A more masculine gender expression from someone who is AFAB.

Cisgender: Someone who identifies as the gender they were assigned at birth.

Demigender: Non-binary but feeling that one is partly a certain gender.

Demiboy: Feeling partially like a boy.

Demigirl: Feeling partially like a girl.

Genderfluid: Someone who does not have a fixed gender, but feels as though their gender is a range.

Gender neutral: Someone who doesn’t feel as though they’re one gender or another. This can be a term applied to items as well, such as gender-neutral bathrooms, etc.

Gender non-conforming (GNC): Someone who doesn’t conform to societal gender ideas or the gender binary.

Genderqueer: Someone who is GNC and defies gender norms by identifying as no gender, bigender, or some combination or a variety of genders.

Intergender: An intersex-specific gender identity denoting a combination of masc/femme gender identities similar to genderqueer or androgynous.

Metrosexual: A cisgender man who pays more attention to his appearance. This term peaked in the early 2000’s and is now rarely used due to a growing understanding of various genders and gender roles.

Non-binary: Someone who does not fit into the gender binary.

Pangender: Being more than one gender, or being all genders.

What about transgender people?

Some people who aren’t cisgender feel comfortable using the label transgender. Not everyone does. That means that someone who is non-binary may not want to use trans terms for themselves. Please respect that.

Here are more trans-specific terms:

  • Transgender: Someone who was assigned a certain gender at birth but is not that gender; literally just the opposite of cisgender
    • Trans man: Someone who was assigned female at birth and is a man. This does not require any HRT or surgery. Additional terms include trans masc or FTM (female-to-male).
    • Trans woman: Someone who was assigned male at birth and is a woman. This does not require any HRT or surgery. Additional terms include trans femme or MTF (male-to-female).
  • Transitioning: The process of matching one’s body to one’s gender. The gender affirming process is often a long and difficult one. It is important to keep in mind that not everyone can or wants to undergo any or all of these steps.
    • Gender-affirming hormone treatment (HRT): Hormones are started to help the development of desired gender traits. This can include estrogen, antiandrogens, progesterone, testosterone, androgens, antiestrogens, and more.
    • Surgeries
      • Top surgery: Surgery to alter a person’s chest. Depending on the person’s gender, this can be breast augmentation, breast reduction, or a bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction.
      • Bottom surgery: There are a variety of surgeries that may be needed for bottom surgery. Patients may need a hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy, vaginectomy, penectomy, and/or orchiectomy. A vaginoplasty creates a vagina and vulva from the patient’s penis and surrounding material. Surgeries that aid in the creation of a penis can include scrotoplasty, metoidioplasty, and phalloplasty.
      • Additional surgery: Surgery can be had to assist with the following: facial feminization, vocal feminization, tracheal shave, and buttock augmentation.

Additional terms

  • Cishet: Cisgender and heterosexual.
  • Cisheterosexism: The societal favoring of cisgender and heterosexual people.
  • Cissexism: The societal favoring of cisgender people.
  • Drag: People of one gender who dress up as another gender for performances.
  • Genderism: A belief in the gender binary or that there are only two genders.
  • Mx (mix): A gender-neutral replacement for Miss/Ms., Mister/Mr., or Misses/Mrs.
  • Stealth: Someone who is trans but not ‘out’ about their gender.
  • Transmisia: Bigotry or discrimination against transgender people.

Avoid these terms

(unless you’re personally reclaiming a slur or someone you know is and has okayed these terms to be used in reference to them)

  • Preferred pronouns: Pronouns aren’t preferred or optional. They’re required in respectful relationships.
  • Sodomite, deviant, diseased, perverted: These terms have been used to ‘other’ people under the LGBTQ+ umbrella for ages.
  • Transgendered: Transgender is a noun, not a verb. The correct term would be someone who is transgender.
  • Transgenders: This removes someone’s humanity. The correct term here would be transgender (or trans) people.
  • A transgender: This removes someone’s humanity. Use a transgender (or trans) person.
  • Tranny/trannie: A shortened form of transgender, generally used as a slur.
  • Transsexual: This is an outdated term for trans people.
  • Transvestite: An outdated term for a cross-dresser.
  • Sex change or pre-op/post-op: These phrases place the focus on the state of a person’s genitals, not their gender.
  • She-male, he-she, it: These phrases remove a person’s humanity.
  • Passing: Someone whose gender expression matches assumptions about what people of their gender look like. This is usually used to refer to someone who is transgender but can ‘pass’ as cisgender. Because of the harm of a focus on passing, this is not a favored term in non-cisgender circles.
  • Fooling/pretending/trap: This is often used when someone feels as though they’ve been fooled by someone of another gender (generally a transgender person). There are those whose transmisia runs deep enough that they believe trans people try to fool or trick them into relationships. No person pretends to be another gender for those reasons.
  • Non-females: This term is othering to trans and gender-expansive people. Additionally, female is a term for sex not gender. It should never be used, especially in spaces focused on equity.

Want to learn more about sexuality and attraction? Click here.

A Starter List of Attractions and Orientations

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a photo of a rainbow assortment of straws against a black background with white text: " A Starter List of Attractions and Orientations " and " Chronic Sex "

With it being Pride month, I wanted to share something that I’ve been working on for a while – a list of attractions and orientations. This list is by no means meant to be exhaustive – more like a good start.

Did you know that there are actually several types of attraction? It’s true!

  • Aesthetic: attraction to one’s appearance.
  • Alterous: attraction that’s a mix between platonic and romantic; wanting emotional closeness.
  • Platonic: wanting a friendship with someone.
  • Romantic: wanting to have a romantic relationship with someone.
  • Sensual: wanting to engage in non-sexual closeness like cuddling.
  • Sexual: wanting to engage in sexual acts with someone.

This can all be used as suffixes to go along to share a variety of labels. As an example, I use pansexual or queer to label my sexuality – which could be labeled duosexual (defined below). Since writing this post, I’ve also shifted to being transmasculine and attracted far more to other masculine folks, so I also may use gay or androsexual to describe my sexuality. My romantic and sensual attraction labels are fairly similar to my sexuality label. Aesthetically, I’m attracted to androgynous looks (ninaesthetic) and very masculine looks (androaesthetic). I tend to be either panalterous and panplatonic.

 

Some quick terms

In order to understand some of the terms, you’ll need to know a few others.

Femme: a person who acts, dresses, or identifies as more feminine regardless of gender.

Masc: a person who acts, dresses, or identifies as more masculine regardless of gender.

 

Well-known(ish) labels

Heterosexual (straight): attracted to members of the ‘opposite’ sex (i.e., a man who is sexually attracted to women).

Asexual (ace): someone who does not feel attracted to others sexually and therefore is not generally interested in sexual relationships – this is a spectrum in and of itself, though, because this can range from those who are asexual and aromantic (see below) to those who are asexual but are demiromantic.

Aromantic (aro): someone who does not feel attracted to others romantically and therefore is not interested in romantic relationships with others.

Note: Aros and aces are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, period. Even if “hetero-leaning,” they do not meet societal expectations of how people are ‘supposed’ to engage in relationships. As such, they face a variety of violent actions and harm including corrective assault, etc. If you don’t include the ace and aro community in your activism, you’re exclusionary and actively causing harm to others.

Gay: men or masculine non-binary people attracted to men. This term can be used as a general term for those under the LGBTQ+ umbrella at times, with varying degrees of inclusion (e.g., ‘gay’ could refer to gay men/nonbinary folks, gays and lesbians, gays and lesbians and anyone experience same-gender attraction, etc.).

Lesbian: women or non-binary people who are attracted to women.

Queer: This is often used to describe a person who falls under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, regardless of their gender or orientation. It used to be a slur but has been reclaimed by people within the community. Still, that slur status stands, so please don’t use this to describe a patient unless they’ve signaled that they’re okay with it. Many LGBTQ+ people identify as queer which is partially a sociopolitical identification. A good example of this would be those who participated in the Stonewall Riots, Act Up!, or other LGBTQ+ activist events.

Bisexual: the more well-known term to say one is attracted to two or more genders.

Bicurious: someone who is curious about experiences with multiple genders.

Pansexual: think “I am attracted to everyone, regardless of their or my gender identity.”

The difference between bisexual and pansexual is that bi takes gender into consideration while pan does not. That’s literally the only difference. Neither is inherently transmisic or bimisic in design because they don’t mean the same thing.

Why do I use -misic/misia instead of -phobic/phobia? Learn more.

 

Orientations you may not know

I’ve used sexual as the suffix for many of these, even though you could use any of the attraction suffixes above.

Abrosexual: having a sexual orientation that can’t be pinned down in words due to it constantly changing.

Acorsexual: being sexually attracted to someone but unable to participate due to traumatic history or other reasons.

Aegosexual: having sexual attraction but only for situations you’re not participating in.

Aliquasexual: only feeling sexual attraction under certain circumstances.

Allosexual: Someone who experiences sexual attraction; the opposite of asexual.

Amorplatonic: Someone who experiences romantic attraction to others but prefers to be friends or engage in friends-with-benefits behavior over relationships.

Androsexual: Someone who is sexually attracted to people who present more masculine or males.

Apothisexual: being asexual specifically due to being repulsed by sex.

Arcsexual: averse, repulsed, and conflicted by sex.

Bellusromantic: being interested in romantic activities but not a romantic relationship.

Caedsexual: having felt sexual attraction in the past, but lost that attraction due to trauma.

Cassromantic: feeling indifferent to romantic relationships.

Ceasesexual: having sexual attraction but losing it for a time period.

Ceterosexual: someone who is attracted to non-binary and gender non-conforming people; skolio is another prefix for this, but it suggests some weirdness/ableism as it means bent or broken.

Cupiosexual: not feeling sexual attraction, but still wanting sexual experiences.

Demiromantic: someone who generally needs to have a very strong emotional connection to someone in order to feel attracted to them romantically.

Demisexual: someone who generally needs to have a very strong emotional connection to someone in order to feel attracted to them sexually.

Dreadsexual: someone who goes through periods of having sexual attraction or not having it – and having it brings anxiety.

Duosexual: using two or more attraction labels that you flip between (e.g., bisexual and pansexual).

Finsexual: sexual attraction to femmes.

Icularomantic: an aromantic person who is still open to having romantic relationships.

Kalosromanitc: desiring a romantic relationship but not being romantically attracted to anyone in specific categories.

Limnosexual: enjoying erotic art, but not participating in sexual acts.

Minsexual: sexual attraction to mascs.

Monosexual: Romantic or sexual attraction to only one gender.

Morphesexual: someone whose orientation changes based on the type of attraction and person it’s directed towards.

Neuplatonic: having friendship attraction to people who are genderless.

Neuroaromantic: wanting to be in a romantic relationship but being scared of it because of your mental health or neurodiversity.

Ninsexual: sexual attraction to androgynous people.

Novosexual: your sexuality changes with your gender.

Omnisexual: sexual attraction to all genders.

Penultiromantic: romantic attraction to every gender but your own.

Platoniromantic (Idemromantic): someone who doesn’t feel a difference between platonic and romantic attraction.

Polysexual: being sexually attracted to multiple but not all genders.

Pomosexual: identifying as not heterosexual, but not necessarily needing a specific label.

Quoisexual: feeling like sexual attraction doesn’t apply or make sense for you.

Reciprosensual: sensual attraction to someone only when they’ve shared their sensual attraction to you.

Requiesromantic: feeling too emotionally exhausted to experience romantic attraction.

Sansromantic: your romantic attraction just does what it does without any real trend or pattern.

Thymsexual: your sexual attraction depends on how you’re doing emotionally.

 

Relationship Types

In addition to the large variety of attraction types, there are different relationship types. Here are just a few examples.

Monogamous: someone who is in an exclusive one-on-one relationship.

Polyamorous: someone who is in a consensually non-monogamous relationship; this can also be called ethical non-monogamy; a lot of people use the short-hand ‘poly’ for this but that gets confusing when you note poly can be a suffix for both gender and attraction types – it also is the short-hand used for Polynesian people, and we shouldn’t be co-opting that. Forms of polyamory include:

  • An open relationship/marriage: partners are able to take on new sexual partners.
  • Polygamy: one person may have multiple spouses.
  • Mono/Polyam Relationship: one person in a relationship stays monogamous to their partner while their partner is non-monogamous.
  • Swinging: usually refers to people who have sex outside their marriage but don’t necessarily engage in multiple romantic relationships.
  • Bigamy: being married to two people at once; not legally recognized in most places.

This is just the tip of the non-monogamy iceberg. Stay tuned for more on this in the future.

 

Additional terms to know

  • Bimisia: Bigotry and discrimination against bisexual people. This is usually seen in how people label relationships of bisexual people (e.g., a bisexual woman dating another woman is often called a lesbian, but if she’s dating a man she’s called straight).
  • Closeted: Someone who has not disclosed their sexual orientation to others. Someone who isn’t ‘out’ about their sexual orientation (or gender).
  • Coming out: The process someone takes when they share their sexual orientation with others, either publicly or privately. This isn’t an all-or-nothing process – for example, someone can ‘come out’ to friends but stay closeted to their parents.
  • Heteronormativity: The societal assumption that every relationship will be heterosexual. This message is often sent to us in media we consume, such as ads or television shows featuring a large majority of heterosexual couples. This can also be called heterosexism.
  • Homomisia: Bigotry and discrimination against gay men and lesbians.
  • Outing: Sharing someone’s sexual orientation without their permission. This is generally used when someone is closeted, either in general or to whomever you out them.
  • Questioning: Someone who is unsure of or exploring their sexual orientation.

Avoid these

(unless you’re reclaiming them or someone else is and has said you can use these terms towards them)

  • Homosexual: This is an outdated and more medicalized term to describe gay and lesbian people.
  • Sexual preference: Sexual orientation is not a preference.
  • Preferred pronouns: Pronouns aren’t preferred or optional. They’re required in respectful relationships.
  • Fag, dyke, homo: Slurs for gay men, lesbians, and both, respectively.
  • Sodomite, deviant, diseased, perverted: These terms have been used to ‘other’ people under the LGBTQ+ umbrella for ages.

Wanna learn more about gender? Click here.

Queering the Crip Body on Monday the 25th

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Sins Invalid‘s Crip Bits series is back discussing Queering the Crip Body this Monday, June 25th, at 6:15 PM Pacific Time.

Here’s the description: Crip bodies challenge hetero-normative expectations of gender and sexuality, offering widely varying abilities and ways of showing beauty. Because of this challenge to straightness, our bodies are queer by nature, resisting the forced and tired extras of how we “should” represent our genders and our desires because we do not and cannot perform the artificial imaginings of binary gender.

It’s also live captioned! Click here to view that once the FB live video begins.

Make sure to follow their FB page to get the alert they’ve gone live or RSVP to the event page.

Masturbation, Chronic Illness, and Queerness video!

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Y’all, I’ve got a story to tell. It starts with me nerding over Eva from What Is My Body Doing? at the University of Guelph Sexuality Conference in 2017. The latest chapter ends with Eva releasing this pretty cool video of a recent convo.

She is the cutest! I am so incredibly happy to know Eva and to watch her come into her queerness.

Make sure to check out her other amazing videos on YouTube. If you like her stuff, support her on Patreon! Want to cruise her social? Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr (where you can ask her anonymous questions!).