No Shouldn’t Need An Explanation

photo of a femme with orange hair in the mountains; they have their eyes closed and have their left hand on the back of their head in contemplation; to the right of the photo is white space with teal text: "No Shouldn't Need An Explanation" and "Chronic Sex" - this piece is about a play party

I recently went to my first play party. I had a really fun time but struggled with something I don’t think should’ve happened.

Wait, what’s a play party?

A play party, for those who don’t know, can also be called an orgy. In my opinion, that’s a really limited view of what happens. It’s a social event that can involve kink, BDSM, and sexual activity. Attendees can spend time catching up or participate in play going on.

Sometimes this can be limited by requiring a membership, being in the know, etc. Since we were at a sexuality conference, I knew or at least knew of most people who were there. A couple I had met briefly the day before was really the only exception. I felt safe and comfortable, although slightly nervous about being at my first event.

Setting the scene

Being unsure about being in the middle of my first play party, I hung towards the back for a while. I’m an ambivert but find myself going more introverted in situations that are new to me.

The couple I’d recently met spent time with me and I found them pleasant to talk with. The husband asked if he could flirt with me which I was fine with, though I didn’t feel he was actually flirting with me. Everyone has a different definition of flirting and I’ve found a lot of people think that’s pleasant conversation versus compliments, etc.

He then asked if I was interested in anything else. I explained that I’m really new to this and want to take things slowly. Other than impact play that I’ve done before and flirting, I wasn’t really interested in doing more at this play party. While I shouldn’t have needed to explain, I did – it’s something I do even for the smallest things. Growing up in an abusive household, I needed an explanation for the tiniest things.

Eventually, I went over and was talking to friends and spending time with them. We were getting closer to the end of the party. After they talked together, the wife of this couple came over to proposition me. The husband was watching and it felt… slimy-ish? I said no thanks, that I wasn’t in that sort of place right now.

Within 20 minutes, the two of them came up to me together after again conferring. I was invited back to their room but declined the invitation. At this point, I began to get uncomfortable. The husband pushed further asking if I would be interested in watching them play together in their room, etc. I once again explained that I wasn’t ready for those kinds of things.

I did then participate in play a little right at the end of the night. A friend flogged me and it was so amazing. This couple was very intently watching, but I was able to shake my feelings about that once the flogging started.

The aftermath

The next morning, I presented a panel which went super well. As I was packing up to head to grab some food, the husband approached me again to apologize for the night before. He blamed it on alcohol… which essentially blamed this all on his wife because he doesn’t drink.

If I hadn’t already felt awkward about the situation, that definitely did it. I’ve already been groomed to be a people pleaser, so telling these people no in the first place was hard. To have to do it at a conference full of sex educators was odd as well, even if the couple involved were there because of friends and not for their jobs.

Rooming with amazing people, I was able to talk through some of my feelings that day. None of us felt great about that. I am very lucky to have had other amazing chronically ill sex educators to room with who completely got why I felt iffy about the whole thing.

They then followed me across social media, tried to add me on FB, and sent me a few messages. By they, I, of course, mean the husband from joint social accounts. I was honestly concerned that I was going to run into them at my workshop a few weeks later back in Toronto because of that, but they didn’t come to that.

I’ve now blocked them on everything (as far as I know) so I feel safer discussing this. I’ve also had time to talk to my therapist and my friends to process this.

Play parties respect boundaries

I think the biggest thing I’m struggling with is the lack of recognition and respect for my boundaries. It’s a new feeling since boundaries are something I didn’t grow up with. To go from having no boundaries growing up or even minimal boundaries ten years ago to trusting my instincts here? That’s really big for me.

No shouldn’t need an explanation. It especially shouldn’t need one at a play party that’s a safe space and full of other educators and sex-positive people. And I shouldn’t have to say no several times. Pressuring someone into sexual activity is not okay, ever.

If someone has said no to you about taking part in sexual activity with them, do not ask again.

Why I’m Glad I Won’t Be Counted By The Census as a Queer Trans Person

philly pride black with black and brown stripes added next to a white background with black text - " Why I'm Glad I Won't Be Counted By The Census as a Queer Trans Person" and "Chronic Sex"

This past week, it was announced that questions about gender and sexuality won’t be part of the 2020 census. I know there are a lot of people upset about that. I, on the other hand, am hella stoked.

Conservative political leaders have riled their bigoted supporters up. This led to higher rates of hate crimes immediately following the 2016 presidential election. Those higher rates have, sadly, persisted.

I won’t lie – I get afraid of being myself in public. Having purple hair already gets me odd stares and under-the-breath comments that aren’t so quiet. Add in wearing things that show off my queer, trans, and/or disabled pride, and it gets even worse.

One thing I’ve learned from disability history is that counting or helping us always has a hidden agenda. In the past, disabled people were locked up under the guise of helping us. We’ve been – and continue to be – tortured in order to ‘help’ us. Ableds consistently invade our hashtags to tell us how to self-identify and tone police.

Frankly, the last thing I want until I have any semblance of faith in our political system is to have them count and note my identities. It might seem weird to consider that I happily share my identities, but fear government involvement with them.  I worry about what they will actually do with that information. Honestly, it brings up images of the Holocaust – the multiple symbols used to identify prisoners, how the T4 program started with disabled children, and more.

Until I feel like there is less bigotry against us, there’s no way that I feel comfortable being counted. I can’t imagine I’m alone in that.

Awareness Calendar for April

photo of a field during the day with a white square overlay and black text "Awareness Calendar for April" and "Chronic Sex"

Month:

  • Alcohol
  • Ankylosing Spondylitis
  • Autism
  • Black Women’s History
  • Child Abuse Prevention
  • Deaf History (March 13-April 15)
  • Donate Life
  • Facial Protection
  • Foot Health
  • Humor
  • Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
  • Jazz Appreciation
  • Minority Health
  • Occupational Therapy
  • Oral Cancer
  • Parkinsons
  • Primary Immunodeficiency
  • Sarcoidosis
  • Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)
  • Sports Eye Safety
  • Stress
  • Women’s Eye Health and Safety

Day/week:

  • National Public Health Week (2-8)
  • Sexual Assault Awareness Day of Action (5)
  • World Health Day (7)
  • Oral, Head and Neck Cancer Awareness Week (8-15)
  • Minority Cancer Awareness Week (9-15)
  • National Youth HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (10)
  • World Parkinson’s Day (11)
  • Healthcare Decisions Day (16)
  • Voice Day (16)
  • World Hemophilia Day (17)
  • Transplant Nurses Day (18)
  • Day of Silence (21)
  • National Infertility Awareness Week (23-29)
  • World Immunization Week (23-29)
  • World Meningitis Day (24)
  • World Malaria Day (25)

New CDC Director Hasn’t Been Paying Attention to HIV Rates – And I’m Not Surprised

Dr. Robert Redfield was recently picked to head the CDC after the position was left vacant for far too long. Unfortunately, he’s already making predictions he can’t possibly cash in on. I think it’s because he doesn’t actually know the data… which wouldn’t be so scary if we didn’t consider that he’s an HIV/AIDS researcher.

Oh, I’m sorry, disgraced HIV/AIDS researcher.

That’s right, y’all! A man in charge of the CDC who has been heralded as a highly regarded researcher… is actually a disgraced researcher. According to Vox, Redfield was cleared of any official misconduct but misrepresented data to the point that the data from his study on an HIV vaccine in the mid-90’s had to be republished.

For more detail, he was the head researcher (AKA Principal Investigator or PI) over this vaccine trial being tested at Walter Reed. Now, there was a lot of pressure to come up with something – anything – that actually helped with the epidemic. It seems to me that Redfield caved to that pressure and published something to get attention and alleviate fears.

I’m also concerned that it might have been rooted in wanting to get queer people in to administer something they knew wouldn’t help so that we’d all die off quicker. This isn’t usually where my mind goes, but Redfield wanted to enstate very segregational laws in the past with regard to HIV/AIDS patients. The man supports abstinence-only sex ed, promotes religious ideals, and scares the shit out of me.

That said, he treats around 6,000 patients at the University of Maryland School of Medicine and apparently gets high marks for his patient care. I still don’t feel like I can trust him, especially when he thinks the HIV/AIDS epidemic will end soon.

Redfield made a remark on his second day in a staff meeting that he believes we can ‘end‘ the epidemic within the next three to seven years. He thinks we have the tools right now to stop it… while promoting abstinence-only sex ed. I mean, he also said that the opioid issue was the major issue of our time and not HIV/AIDS. This wouldn’t be so concerning if the infection rates actually showed some promise. You’d think Redfield would be more familiar with these rates than I am, but I get the feeling that’s not true.

The rate of new HIV infections declined by 10% from 2010-2014 according to the CDC. In 2014, they said we had 37,000 new infections. As of 2016, that number was higher at 39,782. Rates remain higher in people of color. According to HIV.gov,

  • Black/African American gay and bisexual men accounted for the largest number of HIV diagnoses (10,223), followed by Hispanic/Latino (7,425) and white (7,390) gay and bisexual men.

HIV rates are highest in the South from a combination of poor sex ed, a lack of conversation about HIV/AIDS, and religious/moralistic bullshit. On top of that, testing doesn’t happen as much as it should due to stigma, lack of access, and many more factors.

Part of the issue is that trans people aren’t tested. Their providers don’t think about it honestly. And a lot of younger people aren’t tested either. I think many people are young enough that they don’t remember the giant epidemic and AIDS quilt squares. Likewise, they’ve faced terrible sex ed and virtually no awareness campaigns around HIV/AIDS.

So how in the fuck does this guy think we’ll end the epidemic in as little as three years? I have no goddamn clue.

The trepidation I feel about Redfield’s appointment is high enough that I can’t even find the words. This entire administration has reduced a wordsmith to speechlessness. I really hope Redfield can prove me wrong and that he sets aside his bigoted religious beliefs to actually get things done. I’m not sure how with funding BS, but I hope.

Until he shows me different, though, I’m not holding my breath.

Featured on Everyday Health

Everyday Health featured me in their pieceThe 10 Best Arthritis Blogs to Keep You (and Your Body) Moving:

If you’re looking for a blogger with some attitude, Kirsten is your woman. The self-proclaimed “chronic illness collector” (as a child she was diagnosed with systemic juvenile arthritis, or Still’s disease) and sex educator covers every health topic imaginable on Not Standing Still’s Disease, from mental health to medical terminology to her “Self-Care Sundays” series — posts themed around “our relationships with ourselves.” She is an advocate for the gender-fluid and trans community, which she discusses at length in her separate blog, Chronic Sex, along with (naturally) sexuality and sex with a chronic illness. While the topics she covers on both blogs aren’t light, she still aims to keep her posts humorous and positive. She even pokes fun at herself for having “collected” sixteen different health diagnoses, like scoliosis and asthma.

Go check it out!

Don’t Let Them Trick You – MindGeek, PornHub, and YouPorn are Bad News

blue, pink, and purple colors intersect in the background with a white circle; various colors of text: "Don't Let Them Trick You MindGeek, PornHub, and YouPorn are Bad News Chronic Sex #PayForYourPorn "

Last updated October 24, 2021.

PornHub and YouPorn want you to think they’re good people. They really do. From giving funding to college sex educators to ‘fighting’ revenge porn to even paying for plows during snowstorms in major cities, they run some new positive propaganda stuff every time you turn around.

Don’t believe it for a single second. There’s a reason they’re on my blacklist.

They Have A Virtual Monopoly

PornHub’s parent company, MindGeek, has a virtual monopoly on ‘free’ porn streaming sites. These sites are modeled after YouTube, allowing users to upload content. Total, they consume the third-largest amount of bandwidth, with only Google and Netflix ahead of them. Companies they own or have a part in include (but aren’t limited to):

  • YouPorn
  • RedTube
  • Tube8
  • XTube
  • ExtremeTube
  • PornMD
  • PornIQ
  • Peeperz
  • GayTube
  • Babes.com
  • Men.com
  • Sextube
  • SpankWire
  • MyDirtyHobby
  • Webcams.com
  • Brazzers
  • Digital Playground
  • Reality Kings
  • Mofos
  • Twistys
  • Playboy
  • Wicked Pictures

They are involved with over 100 sites. No, I’m not kidding. If this wasn’t porn, I have a feeling they’d be more regulated and challenged by laws.

Stolen Content

One of the biggest issues with MindGeek companies is that they do not regulate stolen content. This means users can upload clips they got from any performer without that performer benefitting. There are even allegations that they cheat the system:

For example, one shady scenario involves a company that knowingly and willingly submits infringing content to its tube site — or pays others to do it for them — under the guise of “user” uploads. Then in an effort to seemingly comply with the DMCA, removes clips on request — only to have the compliance department send the removed material to the upload department, where this cynically cyclical process is endlessly repeated.

The monopoly MindGeek holds on streaming sites, in addition to the big production names they own or are involved with, makes it very difficult for performers to feel like they can speak up. Adult actress Tasha Reign said, “It’s like we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place in a way, because if I want to shoot content then I kinda have to shoot for [Mindgeek] because that’s the company that books me because they own…almost…everything.” The fear of being blacklisted by a company that owns nearly 100 sites is terrifying.

Siri, the owner of Abby Winters, said, “From personal experience, I know how hard it is to get my copyrighted content removed from tube sites – even the purportedly “legit” ones that porn magnate MindGeek owns still force copyright holders to jump through hoops to get our content removed from tube sites.” She goes on to explain that, like Walmart, MindGeek purposely has built a monopoly by providing ‘free’ content. Hell, they even profit more off pirated content than the stuff they produce and own.

It’s very costly to hire a legal team to issue DMCA takedown notices and threaten legal action, making it less accessible to people, too. That’s even more work someone has to do to afford to take legal action to keep the work they do from being pirated. At the end of the day, that costs too much in money, time, and energy for sex workers – especially disabled SWs.

That monopoly also forces a number of performers, sites, and stores who would object to MindGeek’s ethics to work with them. If they don’t, they’d likely cease to exist. This has been an issue for nearly a decade.

Like Walmart, the quality of films made goes way down. When the #PayForYourPorn movement started, Megan Wozniak – the marketing director of Adult DVD Empire – said, ”If people continue down this road, porn is not gonna get made. It’ll all be amateur content, and you won’t get the high-resolution, high production quality that you have with the studios. We just wanted to educate consumers who might not be aware of the effects of pirated content.”

This becomes even worse when we consider that, unlike other film-based industries, adult performers only get paid once for their appearances. They don’t get royalties or money from sales unless they’re a one-person show releasing their own content. That means working much harder for less overall pay, something that has a lot of performers afraid for their career safety.

Doxxing Sex Workers

If that wasn’t bad enough, the process these sites use to remove pirated content puts sex workers at risk. About this time last year, I watched as a friend live-tweeted discovering their videos on PornHub. Once they filed to get that removed, it took quite a bit for PornHub to get on it. The scarier part? They put up this performer’s real name. They had multiple stalkers that could now find them. It took days of several of us harassing PornHub to get this remedied. It seems that every time I turn around, though, I see this happening to more performers.

What they’re doing is doxxing sex workers – sharing their true identities instead of screen names. It’s a revenge tactic to try to scare people away from getting content they rightfully own off these tube sites. If this were something YouTube did, you bet Viacom and others would stomp on this. Unfortunately, because this is porn, the government – which usually would get in on this stuff – doesn’t care.

And that’s scary AF.

For performers who, like any other human in an occupation, has a family or another job to worry about? It’s even more terrifying.

Gathering Your Data

The UK recently based the Digital Economy Act. One of the pieces of this act is to have an age checker on all pornographic sites. The AgeID system that MindGeek sites will use does more than that – it collects information about you. And they’re offering their system to other porn sites for a fee.

In order to verify your age, you can log into a third-party site. According to RT, MindGeek has stated it won’t collect data during the verification process. However, data is still stored:

The program will find the names, postal addresses, nationalities, dates and places of birth, email addresses, mobile phone numbers and demographic information of its users. The firm notes that this information can be used by AgeID “to develop and display content and advertising tailored to your interests on our website and other sites.”

The policy also states: “We also may use these technologies to collect information about your online activities over time and across third-party websites or other online services.”

This has people concerned about visiting social media, conducting business, and more. And rightfully so, especially as MindGeek isn’t to be trusted.

Updates

As of early 2020, Pornhub has been exposed to allow videos of rape and abuse – not just fantasies.

In December 2020, Pornhub purged ‘millions’ of unverified videos amid allegations of hosting child pornography. That same month, both Mastercard and Visa pulled their services from PornHub. According to the New York Times,

Pornhub declined to make executives available on the record, but it provided a statement. “Pornhub is unequivocally committed to combating child sexual abuse material, and has instituted a comprehensive, industry-leading trust and safety policy to identify and eradicate illegal material from our community,” it said. Pornhub added that any assertion that the company allows child videos on the site “is irresponsible and flagrantly untrue.”

Here are additional items from that same NYT article that echo what I wrote here in 2018:

Pornhub is owned by Mindgeek, a private pornography conglomerate with more than 100 websites, production companies and brands. Its sites include Redtube, Youporn, XTube, SpankWire, ExtremeTube, Men.com, My Dirty Hobby, Thumbzilla, PornMD, Brazzers and GayTube. There are other major players in porn outside the Mindgeek umbrella, most notably XHamster and XVideos, but Mindgeek is a porn titan. If it operated in another industry, the Justice Department could be discussing an antitrust case against it.

Pornhub and Mindgeek also stand out because of their influence. One study this year by a digital marketing company concluded that Pornhub was the technology company with the third greatest-impact on society in the 21st century, after Facebook and Google but ahead of Microsoft, Apple and Amazon.

And some new facts to share:

While Pornhub would not tell me how many moderators it employs, I interviewed one who said that there are about 80 worldwide who work on Mindgeek sites (by comparison, Facebook told me it has 15,000 moderators). With 1.36 million new hours of video uploaded a year to Pornhub, that means that each moderator would have to review hundreds of hours of content each week.

The moderators fast forward through videos, but it’s often difficult to assess whether a person is 14 or 18, or whether torture is real or fake. Most of the underage content involves teenagers, the moderator I spoke with said, but some comes from spy cams in toilets or changing rooms and shows children only 8 to 12.

“The job in itself is soul-destroying,” the moderator said.

Executives of Pornhub appear in the past to have assumed that they enjoyed immunity under Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, which protects internet platforms on which members of the public post content. But in 2018 Congress limited Section 230 so that it may not be enough to shield the company, leading Mindgeek to behave better.

It has doubled the number of moderators in the last couple of years, the moderator told me, and this year Pornhub began voluntarily reporting illegal material to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. After previously dragging its feet in removing videos of children and nonconsensual content, Pornhub now is responding more rapidly.

It has also compiled a list of banned content. I obtained a copy of this list, and it purports to bar videos with terms or themes like “rape,” “preteen,” “pedophilia” and “bestiality” (it helpfully clarifies that this “includes eels, fish, octopus, insects”). Diapers are OK “if no scatophilia.” Mutilation depends on context but “cannot depict severing parts of the body.”

Pornhub has introduced software that supposedly can “fingerprint” rape videos and prevent them from being uploaded again. But Vice showed how this technology is easily circumvented on Pornhub.

I don’t see any neat solution. But aside from limiting immunity so that companies are incentivized to behave better, here are three steps that would help: 1.) Allow only verified users to post videos. 2.) Prohibit downloads. 3.) Increase moderation.

According to City News, “The company recently settled a lawsuit involving 50 women, including four Canadians, who alleged they were duped into taking part of a massive human trafficking ring.”

In October 2021, a story came out of a woman who has attempted multiple times to remove footage of her being sexually abused as a child from PornHub to no avail. She is now a part of a class-action lawsuit against the group. 

Alternatives

There are so many porn sites and companies to avoid. SO MANY. Badass Ben Woods covered a lot of them in this piece for The Next Web. I highly suggest reading it because it highlights how awful other sites are as well.

As Siri points out,

There is no such thing as a “mom and pop” free porn site, I’m sorry. The largest, most popular tube sites are owned by large corporations (or simply extremely wealthy individuals) seeking to profit by stealing other people’s copyrighted material, and organizations that promote piracy of all online media.

So just know that every time you log on to a tube site, you’re definitely hurting performers like me, who work hard and pay out of my own pocket to produce original content for my own website. And you’re hurting the non-MindGeek-owned companies like Naughty America, Bang Bros, and many of the mainly-DVD-release studios like Vivid, Girlfriends Films, Elegant Angel, Evil Angel, and New Sensations/Digital Sin. Many of those companies continually have to cut their budgets as a direct result of piracy and tube sites.

I haven’t even gotten into the issues around problematic mainstream porn. In addition to the poor quality Wozniak mentioned above, much of the porn on these sites reinforces stereotypes that are way past done. They lack representation. Hell, they even teach those without access to better sex ed some negative things about communication, consent, and general sexuality. Alas, this isn’t the time or the place to really get into that.

Let’s discuss alternatives to MindGeek sites.

Obviously, my top pick is anything from parent company Pink & White Productions like CrashPad, Pink Label, or Heavenly Spire. Yes, these are affiliate links because I love P&W. I wouldn’t be their affiliate if I didn’t. The representation for queer, trans, disabled, and people of color their sites have honestly can’t be beaten.

Other paid sites to check:

Make sure to check out amazing content from independent pornographers, cam performers, and more, too. Some of my favorite pals include:

Vaguebooking and Subtweeting Are Valid Communications Techniques

blue background with white text box and blue text: "Vaguebooking and Subtweeting Are Valid Communications Techniques" and "Chronic Sex"

TW talking about repercussions of abuse

Vaguebooking and subtweeting are two techniques in the world of communictions that get a lot of shit. This is when someone talks about a situation or another person without sharing specifics. Many people see these as passive-aggressive techniques. However, it only seems as though they do that when they feel targeted by these writings.

A classic example of these techniques is when someone writes about a situation they experienced at work without naming names. If we’re supportive of those situations, why are so many people against these methods for other situations?

There are many reasons why someone might engage with the world via subtweets and vaguebooking. Some of us can’t bring up conflict directly due to abuse and other circumstances. It’s important to honor that, especially when we’re working through it. My therapists have discussed this method with me as a way for me to handle things that bring on negative emotions. WIthout engaging in these methods, I wind up holding a lot of anger in – which increases my stress and physical pain.

On top of that, I’m terrible at conflict. Growing up in abuse tends to do that to people.

Sometimes, I won’t bring up an issue directly because I’m concerned about harming someone’s feelings. This is especially the case if a situation brought up a systemic issue – which it does more often than not for me. Other times, we engage in this to maintain our privacy.

Why are people upset about these anyway?

Well, part of it has to do with a lack of empathy for others. This may sound like a joke, but it absolutely isn’t. Friends know that this is something that I need to do for me and both my mental and physical health. They know that I will mentally and physically have a difficult time if I don’t release my emotions. When I subtweet or vaguebook, I do it because I have to get my feels out – but also because I don’t want to directly harm someone’s feelings.

A lot of it has to do with tone as well. I don’t think people are great at reading tone in writing. I gave a quick heads up recently to another patient about using ableist language including a link on said language. Everyone knows that I can be incredibly mean, but this was very kind and worded nicely. Assuming that I was angry, I’ve been on the receiving end of a (now muted) series of tweets accusing me of being a horrible person.

… which I feel like just solidifies my decision to subtweet and vaguebook honestly. Why would I share something with someone directly if I wind up getting harmed over and over again?

For those who have the energy today, I highly suggest reading this thread from one of my favorite people, Coffee Spoonie.

two tweets from CoffeeSpoonie: "Subtweets have made me into a better person, tbh. It might be too hard for someone to criticize you directly or they don't have the energy, or ur part of a larger trend that needs addressing."

It’s from October, but so timeless. She goes on to share how she adjusts what she does and says based on subtweets that involve her as a person of privilege.

Subtweets, vaguebooking, and callouts – oh my!

Each of these is an amazingly effective communication technique for people in marginalized communities. As a queer disability activist, I’ve been able to use these methods in addition to callouts to let companies, organizations, and individuals know when they’re harming entire communities that may otherwise not be heard. I’m certainly privileged in many ways, but callouts have worked for me around my marginalizations – and for me to help others understand why the ‘joke’ they just made was racist.

I’m not the only one.

Riley has a great piece where they discuss the issues around callouts – and how it’s not the culture that’s wrong, but people who tone police marginalized communities:

The idea of “calling out”, first and foremost, came from Black femmes on social media who were being violently harassed every single day… The idea of “calling out”, first and foremost, came from Black femmes on social media who were being violently harassed every single day. That was the original goal of a call-out. To make someone stop harassing you.

When you shit on calling-out, you shit on Black femmes doing whatever they can to prevent harassment, and that’s supremely fucked up. Talk about MISUSE, not about the concept itself.

Call-outs aren’t what’s toxic. Those who have appropriated it for their own shitty ends ARE.

Shaun Scott shares more information about anti-callout BS:

What many critics call “call-out culture” is actually a past-due moral balance being called in. With interest added. Had our pain been spoken more consistently over a longer period of time, perhaps our anger would be a manageable trickle, and not an avalanche. But we never asked for the condition that required us to remain silent in the first place. Oppressed groups once lived with the destruction of keeping quiet. We’ve decided that the collateral damage of speaking up—and calling out—is more than worth it…

In the end, there is no imagined community that “call-out culture” corrupts; no solid consensus that it dissipates. All the dreaded call-out does is expose fissures that already exist between those who need change and those who say they want it. If the rhetorical identification of privilege and racism is on its own enough to alienate people who claim to be progressives, there’s good reason to assume that they were never as progressive as they claimed to be in the first place.

The criticism of our peers should not be enough to drive us to the arms of our enemies. Unless of course we secretly wanted to end up there anyway.

Judgments hurt, not justice

Calling those of us who participate in these issues terrible shows that you misunderstand callouts, subtweeting, and vaguebooking. As Eve Peyser writes for Gizmodo, “You can do nice subtweets. You can do profound subtweets. You can do beautiful, artful subtweets. You can do benign subtweets. Multitudes.”

Peyser gives an example of a tweet where they talk about an interaction with their mother, supplementing it with the following: “I get why people mistake subtweeting for talking about someone behind their back, I do, but online, there is no metaphorical “back.” For example, here I subtweet my mom. I’m not talking about her behind her back. I’m also not saying it to her face. Like with any other tweet, I am shouting it into the void. Ultimately, the subtweet is never for the person who it’s about. It’s for your audience. ”

Or, for many of us, for ourselves – for self-care.

Bottom line

If these types of communication aren’t for you, that’s fine. You don’t have to participate – just like you don’t have to get ‘gay married’ or have an abortion. You can unfollow or unfriend people like me who use these for a multitude of reasons. That’s fine.

What you cannot do is tell me and Lebron that we’re not allowed to subtweet something simply because you don’t like it.

S2E6: Isabelle and Uterus Owners’ Pain

white background with teal, green, purple triangles - teal text: "season 2, episode 6" - white text on a purple circle: "Isabelle and uterus owners' pain" - teal text: "chronic sex podcast"

Endometriosis is an incredibly painful condition where the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus. It’s vastly underdiagnosed, undertreated, and assumed to just be ‘bad’ period pain. This can cause excessive bleeding, pain with bathrooming, pain with sex, and much, much more. Endo affects approximately 176 million people worldwide.

Today I’m talking with Isabelle Lauren – a blogger, writer of erotica and sex toy reviewer. She believes in better sex education for everyone. You can hear more about her endometriosis story here. Follow Isabelle on Twitter and check out her site.

Abby Norman Wants You to Ask Her About Her Uterus

It’s Not All in Your Head: New Book Sheds Light on ‘Bad Medicine and Lazy Science’ Harming Women

The Mortal Ones: How Young Women Navigate Serious Illnesses

Don’t forget to enter the SYLK giveaway over on IG.

Check out more events I’ll be at over on FB.