Author: Grayson Schultz

Compersion in Nonmonogamous Relationships Study

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Have you ever experienced joy (rather than jealousy) when your partner(s) found love with another partner, in the context of a committed, consensually nonmonogamous relationship? If you are 21 years old or over, speak English, and answered yes to the question above, you might be eligible to participate in a doctoral study on the topic of compersion.

Participation includes one 45 to 75 minutes-long interview (in-person or over Skype) and one 20 to 30 minutes follow-up interview. Your confidentiality will be protected. For more details, please contact Marie Isabelle Thouin-Savard, Ph.D. candidate at the California Institute of Integral Studies, at mariethouin@gmail.com.

Trans Experiences in Therapy

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

comic book style graphic with yellow background and red & black outlined text bubble: "Trans experiences in therapy research opportunity chronic sex"

A group of researchers from Towson University is conducting research on the experiences of therapy as an individual with a trans identity or history. I’m especially excited about this because trans people are even involved in the research!

If you choose to participate in this research, you will be asked to complete a brief online survey, which should take approximately 10-20 minutes to complete. During the survey, you will be asked to think about your experiences in therapy and provide examples of events that may have happened in these therapy sessions.

You will not be asked to give information that would allow anyone to identify you and you do not have to answer every question.

The Towson University Institutional Review Board has approved this study. If you have any questions regarding this research or its purposes, please contact the faculty advisor for this project, Dr. Paz Galupo, at pgalupo@towson.edu, or the primary investigator, Ezra Morris, at kmorri27@students.towson.edu. If you have any questions pertaining to your rights as a participant, please contact Dr. Elizabeth Katz, Chairperson of the Institutional Review Board for the Protection of Human Participants, at (410) 704-2236.

Click here to participate.

BDSM-Kink Online Survey

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Do you have experience with BDSM/Kink sexuality (e.g., role play, bondage, dominance, discipline, S&M, eroticized pain and/or power play)?

Renae Mitchell and Charlene Muehlenhard at the University of Kansas are looking for volunteers to fill out an online survey about how people communicate in sexual encounters that involve BDSM/Kink sexuality.

They are looking for individuals

  • who are age 18 or over,
  • who have had at least two sexual encounters that involved BDSM/kink experiences and/or eroticized pain or power play, and
  • who are interested in filling out a short (less than 30-minute) anonymous online survey.

This study is being conducted as graduate student research at the University of Kansas and has been approved by the university’s institutional review board (IRB).

If you are interested in filling out a survey about your experiences with BDSM/Kink sexuality, click here.

Completion of the survey indicates your willingness to take part in this study and that you are at least 18 years old. If you have any additional questions about your rights as a research participant, you may call (785) 864-7429 or write the Human Subjects Committee Lawrence Campus (HSCL), University of Kansas, 2385 Irving Hill Road, Lawrence, Kansas 66045-7563, email irb@ku.edu. Additionally, you can reach Renae at rcmitchell@ku.edu or Charlene at charlene@ku.edu.

Awareness Calendar for March

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

animation of a work desk with a cup of coffee in the lower left corner and a laptop in the upper right corner - in the middle is a stack of papers with black text: "Awareness Calendar for March" and "Chronic Sex"

Month:

  • Black Women In Jazz & The Arts
  • Bleeding Disorders
  • Brain Injury
  • Colorectal Cancer
  • Developmental Disabilities
  • Endometriosis
  • Gender Equality
  • Hemophilia
  • Kidney
  • Multiple Sclerosis Education
  • Self-harm
  • Sleep
  • Trisomy

Day/week:

  • Self-Injury Awareness Day (1)
  • Bone Marrow Failure Awareness Week (1-7)
  • National Aplastic Anemia and MDS Awareness Week (1-7)
  • National Sleep Awareness Week (2-9)
  • Endometriosis Awareness Week (3-9)
  • International Childhood Cancer Awareness Day (7)
  • World Kidney Day (8)
  • National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (10)
  • Patient Safety Awareness Week (11-17)
  • Brain Awareness Week (12-18)
  • World Oral Health Day (20)
  • National Native American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (20)
  • World Down Syndrome Day (21)
  • International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination (21)
  • American Diabetes Association Alert Day (21)
  • World Tuberculosis Day (24)
  • Purple Day for Epilepsy Awareness (26)
  • National Doctor’s Day (30)

Proud Moment

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I wrote this in the wee small hours this past Sunday morning while hanging out with my roommates for the last night of the Playground Conference in Toronto.

a photo of three mixed media hearts hanging with white text - "Proud Moment Chronic Sex"

A few weeks ago, I had a really nice conversation with my husband. Don’t get me wrong – 98% of our conversations are nice. This one was different, though.

First, some backstory

T has never really had to encounter physical health issues until he met me. Things like accessibility weren’t things that he needed to think about on a daily basis. Even when we were early on in our relationship, I was ‘good enough’ to go without those accommodations – and, honestly, far too proud to use them.

It wasn’t until we moved in together that my everyday health really got bad enough for him to see it. Shortly before that point, I had the worst flare-up of my SJIA since childhood – something that’s thankfully yet to be topped. I had a combination of my rash. It’s a salmon pink rash that usually will show up in the evening around 5 and then again before bed.

Fun fact – this rash is itchy for 5% of peeps. Of course, I would be in that smaller percentage. On top of that, I was also dealing with intense hive-like welts. These can be my SJIA rash, but it only was like that when I was extremely ill in childhood.

I wound up stuck in my apartment for a while dealing with this pain and discomfort. I used icy hot for the first and last time due to the inability to wash it off my hands and use of masturbation for pain control. It just felt like the universe was adding on too much shit.

Long story short, the last thing I wanted was for T to see me like that. I didn’t really see him for the worst of that time. It wasn’t that help wouldn’t have been useful, but I was also aware that it would be terrible to see. I could barely move my fingers, wrists, ankles, and toes. My face swelled to the point where I didn’t look like me.

From that point on, I became a stickler for accessibility.

Fast forward

A few months ago, I wrote the piece about adding image descriptions. As I say in that post, it’s something I think more and more about as I grow older. Already dealing with worsening vision on top of a history of iritis and anterior basement membrane dystrophy, I think about often what will happen when my sight continues to decline. From a very selfish standpoint, I know that I want to be able to imagine what my niblings look like as they grow and accomplish so much.

After I wrote that piece and had been circulating it, my husband stopped to consider the work involved with putting image descriptions up. T asked if there was any specific way you’re supposed to compose descriptions, so I gave him the short verbal version of the post. While I was grateful he asked, I thought it was more about the fact that I had written about it that prompted these questions. After the last few years, I’ve grown less hopeful about reasons behind people’s questions – even those closest to me.

We’re very active in podcast-related facebook groups. As T becomes more active in these spaces, I’ve noticed his focus on helping others grow. He has always been a helpful and very kind dude, but it’s becoming even more pronounced. I like to think that we bring out the kindest and more passionate parts of each other.

Sometimes the two notions fight each other. Being passionate sometimes curtails our ability to be kind because, for example, anyone can understand why a parent might want to park closer if they leave children in the car. However, passion (and law) says parking in an accessible spot to do so without an accessible parking permit is wrong.

Also, yes, this really happened a few years ago at one of our favorite pizza places – after an ice storm. Yeah, the face you’re making? Same.

One of the reasons why people call me a bitch or asshole is because I don’t hide my passion for the comfort of others, especially when they need to understand how harmful they’ve been and/or if people don’t share the same marginalizations. That can make it much harder to understand and even empathize.

Honestly, when T asks me questions about accessibility stuff, I geek out. It’s like asking me about sex. Hello! So, naturally, I talked a lot about the description question.

The proudest

T began to use image descriptions regularly in groups. He is working on being more accessible, not just because I think it’s good and needed but because he totally gets it. A few years ago, he had Lasik to correct his vision. I think he’s been more mindful about eye stuff ever since.

My favorite thing is that T does this even in spaces I don’t regularly go. There is one FB group for a podcast we both love that I don’t regularly visit because items from racist and TERFy pages get shared. Upon bringing up concerns, I was told that the content itself wasn’t the issue so why would it matter where it came from.

Again, that face you’re making? Like someone just farted right under your nose? SAME.

Anyway, I began to disengage with the group itself because I knew things that brought up harmful feels would be shared. T still adds descriptions in there, even though he knows I probably won’t see it.

Why are you talking about this? It’s 12:30 AM at the end of Playground. You should sleep before your 12-hour drive tomorrow.

This feels like a humble brag, but it’s more than that.

It took me years to feel like T really understood what I meant about a lack of accessibility. Even then, it’s different than him going through these things and truly getting it. Our mental health issues are similar enough that I feel witnessed on that while being able to provide him support, too. The physical limitations are just hard to fully grasp if someone doesn’t go through that.

While sharing a tweet with my roommates that T had put into a group, I nearly cried. Part of it was con drop and the post-exertion stuff. I’m sure part of it was wrapped up in missing T and being excited to see him once I get home. Mostly, it’s about T still being kind T even when I’m not home.

We all change a little bit depending on the people we’re around or situations we find ourselves in. This is the first time I’ve traveled in 2018, though, and the first time I’ve been away since T started writing these descriptions. I think part of me assumed he was only doing it to flatter me – and seeing that’s not the case was really necessary. It was uplifting.

On top of that, I was just really touched by the idea that I got through to him on so many things. It’s hard for the two of us to talk about heavy emotional things and, honestly, I don’t think about what things to discuss based on things we need to ‘fix’ or whatever. I don’t and would never give T a honey-do list on changing for me.

After talking today to a room full of amazing chronic peeps and allies/partners, though? It was like the icing on the cake.

Why talk about crippled sex?

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

rectangular photo with white background and purple line with white text on it: "why talk about crippled sex? Chronic Sex"

“To realize our sexual freedom, our goal must be to infuse the dominant sexual culture with the richness of our own experience. We must celebrate our differences from those without disabilities. We must see that our differences in appearance and function which are the sources of our degradation also contain the seeds of our sexual liberation.”

From Barbara Faye Waxman’s “It’s Time to Politicize Our Sexual Oppression” in the March/April 1991 issue of The Disability Rag

It’s often thought that we have “more important things to deal with” than sex, which is portrayed as some sort of “luxury” item for us (The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, pg 5). More and more often, we are infantilized or put into various sexual boxes that we don’t fit in.

The fact is that chronically ill and disabled people have sex. We can be sexual in a number of ways. Our sexuality ranges from asexual to pansexual and more. We may be uninterested in sex and relationships or we may be polyamorous.

Our partners might be abled or not. Like my husband, they might struggle with knowing how to help or

We’re sexy as fuck. Like the tagline of the site says, sexuality doesn’t depend on ability.

People who aren’t in our shoes aren’t used to what we face – worse yet, they may hold on to outdated ideas about sexuality and disability. Our providers don’t understand what we’re facing. They may fear addressing our sexuality or be ill-equipped to do so. After all, 54% of medical schools in the United States and Canada provide between 3-10 hours of sex education. Out of that, most of the education provided is around fertility and basic function (though the latter only usually for cis males).

As I write this post, I’m sitting in my hotel at the Playground Conference in Toronto. My time here has been wonderful, but perhaps the most impactful thing so far has been seeing other disabled people here.

At our panel yesterday, I felt like we were leading a sermon for our siblings dealing with this ish and for partners and loved ones who wanted to learn more. We got such thoughtful questions from our fellow peeps and allies alike that it was so affirming – affirming of the work I do, how much I talk about things, the vulnerability I try to show, and so much more.

It’s enough that I struggle to put it into words.

That’s why I talk about this. Because we deserve to be heard and understood.

Crip Bits: Fucking While Cripped Part 3 from Sins Invalid | Feb 26th

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

What are you doing on Monday, February 26th?

Sins Invalid is having a third installment of their “Crip Bits: Fucking While Cripped” FB Live series!

Check out the details on the FB event here.

PS: I’m presenting in Toronto this Sunday at the Playground Conference! Follow #pgconfchronic on Twitter Sunday morning to keep in touch with the conversation.

S2E4: The ADA and HR 620

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

grey background with a black stick figure person in a wheelchair; white text: "S2E3 The ADA and HR 620 - Chronic Sex Podcast"

It’s new podcast day!

I did a rough script this week so I have a rough transcript! Also, as of tonight, Drunk History covered the 504 Protests and didn’t gloss over them like my sober at 8 AM ass did. Check it out!

Rough transcript

Opened by apologizing for cold, guinea pig noises, and listed upcoming events.

HR 620 – AKA the ADA Education and Reform Act of 2017 – passed the House last week. I’m pissed AF. So, let’s talk about it.

The Americans with Disability Act was passed on July 26, 1990. I was two and we had no idea that it was something I would come to rely on within a few years. In reality, though, the ADA started long before then. Nearly two decades earlier, 1973 Rehabilitation Act’s Section 504 banned discrimination because of disability from entities that received federal funding. Section 504 also was really the first piece of legislation acknowledging disability as one marginalized group.

Naturally, there is a lot of variation on how disability affects our lives. Still, we began to be seen as a group.

Section 504 took a long time to get enforcement rules around. It took sit-ins, legal filings, and more. Between the introduction of this legislation and the ADA, several pieces of legislation were championed or fought against by our peeps including the Civil Rights Restoration Act and the Fair Housing Act.

The first version of the ADA was introduced by Senator Weicker and Representative Coelho in April 1988 – my birth month! Activists and members of disability organizations went around trying to explain why the ADA was needed throughout the year. This wasn’t seen as something that needed to be accomplished during the 100th Congress, though, and it was reintroduced in May 1989 by Senators Harkin and Durrenberger and Representatives Coelho and Fish.

Again, disability activists from all over the country talked locally and in DC about what they faced – how they were banned from movie theaters because of their condition or turned away from other businesses. By September – after hearing from thousands of disabled people – the Senate voted to push the ADA forward. The House took its damn time, running the legislation through an unprecedented four committees.

The ADA was finally signed on July 26, 1990. Titles one through three – on employment, state/local government, and public accommodations – were deemed effective as of July 26, 1992. The fourth piece on telecommunications wouldn’t take effect until 1993. In 2008, President GW Bush signed the ADA Amendments Act (ADAAA), counteracting the narrow interpretations on disability used in the past. Those became effective in 2009. The next few years saw improvements and updates to all parts of the ADA, including better transportation regulations.

The ADA turned 25 in 2015… but a lot remains to happen with it. Many businesses are grandfathered in, especially in housing, so they don’t have to consider making changes to bring old buildings up to code. They do, however, have to consider this for future builds (or they’re supposed to).

So, we have these regulations. What happens when there’s an issue? Well, there are two options. We can file a complaint with the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), which will investigate and decide if a violation has occurred. DOJ can enter into mediation with the person and the business. That’s supposed to be a quicker, lower cost approach to resolve violations. The DOJ may also sue the business on the person’s behalf. Alternatively, people with disabilities may file a lawsuit in court, bypassing DOJ altogether.

Representative and general douche bag Ted Poe from Texas thinks that what we disabled people do is get lawsuit happy. He has literally said the following: “There is now a whole industry made up of people who prey on small business owners and file unnecessary and abusive lawsuits. This bill will change that by requiring that the business owners have time to fix what is allegedly broken.” This is no doubt based on the same ideology that thinks we all do these ‘drive-by’ reports.

Y’all have had thirty FUCKING YEARS and a shit ton of notice to fix these issues. But sure, blame us. Ya shit.

Here’s the text of this bullshit [read text from https://www.congress.gov/bill/115th-congress/house-bill/620/text?format=txt]

 

Here’s what HR 620 would do:

  • Remove consequences for ADA violations, thus removing incentives to fix shit
  • Puts it on disabled peeps to cite specific provisions of the ADA that are being violated in writing
    • Businesses then have 60 days to acknowledge the problem exists, and then get 120 from that to fix the issue. That’s the better part of six months from start to finish.
    • Oh yeah, plus, businesses can get six months to make what they call ‘substantial progress’ towards fixing the issue if it’s not an easy fix.
    • On top of all that? Businesses, again, really face few (if any) consequences for these violations years down the line.

Part of why this bothers me? The current system is in place because it is supposed to resolve things fucking quickly. On top of that, I would say 99% of us would try to work on getting these issues fixed locally – talking to the business, organizing a protest, etc. – before even thinking about going through the legal process. Most of us don’t trust the same people who happily oppress us to work on helping us, especially with a severe lack of fundage and inability to add on monetary damages to these suits.  There are also technical assistance hotlines to help businesses understand how to comply with the ADA. It’s not like they don’t have help.

Again, it’s also been nearly thirty fucking years. Hello.

Twelve Democrats voted for this bill: California’s Ami Bera, Jackie Speier, Pete Aguillar, Norma Torres, Luis Cornea, and Scott Peters; IL’s Bill Foster; MN’s Collin Peterson; NY’s Kathleen Rice; OR’s Kurt Schrader; TX’s Henry Cuellar.

The following reps gave a no vote answer: California’s Jim Costa and Karen Bass; CT’s Joe Courtney; Florida’s Theodore Deutch and Debbie Wasserman Schultz; Georgia’s Sanford Bishop; Illinois’ Luis Guitierrez; KY’s Hal Rogers; Maryland’s Elijah Cummings; New Jersey’s Frank LoBlondo; NM’s Steve Pierce; SC’s Jeff Duncan; WY’s Liz Cheney.

Happily, though, the following Republicans voted against the bill: Alaska’s Don Young; FL’s Mario Diaz-Balart; IL’s Peter Roskam; Kansas’ Kevin Yoder; Mississippi’s Gregg Harper; Nebraska’s Jeff Fortenberry; NJ’s Chris Smith, Leonard Lance, and Rodney Frelinghuysen; PN’s Glenn Thompson, Ryan Costello, Brian Fitzpatrick, and Lou Barletta; VA’s Barbara Comstock; WA’s Cathy McMorris Rodgers and David Reichert; and Wisconsin’s James Sensenbrenner.

Thankfully, there are some legislators who see the issue with this. Recently, Senator Patty Murray from Washington – the top ranking democrat on the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions (HELP) Committee – gave this quote: “It’s deeply concerning that at a time when we should be doing everything we can to guard against attacks on the rights of people with disabilities from this Administration, members of the House of Representatives are instead pushing to pass a bill that would severely weaken the landmark Americans with Disabilities Act and make it harder to enforce the rights of those with disabilities in our courts. I hope my House colleagues on both sides of the aisle will immediately reverse course and drop any further attempts to move this bill forward—but if they don’t, they should know that I will be working hard to ensure it is dead on arrival in the United States Senate, and to continue to stand up for the rights of all people with disabilities.”

Senator Bob Casey offered this: “Today, the House Judiciary Committee moved to gut the rights of people with disabilities to have equal access to restaurants, hotels, theaters, ball parks, web sites, and all places and services to which all non-disabled citizens have access. In 1990, Congress, through the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), affirmed the civil rights of all people with disabilities to have access to all businesses and services offered to the public. Those offering services to the public have had 27 years to make their services accessible to all. H.R. 620 would further delay making services and settings accessible and remove the incentive to make businesses and other public entities accessible for people with disabilities. Good legislation would provide support to help businesses comply with the ADA. I stand with the over 250 disability groups that oppose this approach and will fight to protect the civil rights as enshrined in the ADA.”

One of my favorite legislators – Senator Tammy Duckworth – has been a staunch opponent of this bill. If you don’t know who Tammy is, she was the first Asian American woman and the first disabled woman elected to Congress. She’s currently preggers, too, which means Tammy will be the first sitting Senator to give birth (and she’s due this spring!). Before that, she was in the House from 2013-2017 in addition to other notable positions. She currently serves as the junior Senator from Illinois. Before her political career, though, Duckworth was a US Army helicopter pilot. When an RPG hit her cockpit, she lost both of her legs. In addition, she suffered damage to her right arm. Despite her wounds, she continued to serve until retiring from the National Guard in 2014. You can see why she’d be pissed. She has a great thread on Twitter about this. [read thread at https://twitter.com/SenDuckworth/status/964159619127042048] Tammy is an amazing person and someone people have to start listening to when it comes to disability-related legislature.

Another person to listen to is Representative Jim Langevin from Rhode Island. He is the first quadriplegic to serve in Congress. He was injured in 1980 – ten years before the ADA was passed – during an accidental shooting. He was 16 at the time. Langevin has been serving in the House since 2001 and is a staunch supporter of stem cell research for treatment of disabilities. His remarks during his monologue on this bill the day it was passed are something to note: “It will turn back the clock towards a more segregated society and it will unravel the core promise of the ADA that a disability – visible or otherwise – can never be grounds to justify or tolerate discrimination.” [insert full speech from YouTube video]

Do what you can to fight this. Write to your senators. Utilize ResistBot to help you.

Further reading

Giving ‘The Out’ is Rooted in Systematic Ish (but still important)

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a femme and a masc hugging with a white overlay and black text "Giving 'The Out' is Rooted in Systematic Ish (but still important)" and "Chronic Sex"

There are many experiences that transcend illness or disability type. One of those is giving partners ‘the out.’ Having that conversation is, oddly enough, something I’ll never regret. What I do regret is why we’re having these conversations.

For many of us, this conversation comes from a combination of feelings. Those feels, though, are a problem. They come about from insecurity, shitty self-esteem, ableism, and more.

We don’t feel worthy of love because we’re sick or disabled.

I know that feeling well. It sucks. Even more importantly, though, it’s so wrong.

You are so worthy of love. We all are. How much we are loved should never be dependent on our health, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or other factors we can’t change.

Ableism is a jerk

The thing I hate most about internalized ableism is how we can’t always recognize that it’s ableism speaking. We think we’re doing abled people a favor by staying small or assuming they wouldn’t want us as partners.

We’ve taken that message that our health makes us lesser, unable to be partners that truly participate in relationships. Instead of being present in our relationships, we feel guilty that we can’t be the perfect partner. Sometimes we take to praising our abled partners for sticking with us as if they deserve a medal of honor. To save our partners, we don’t share how we really are doing, the pain we’re in. We think we’re being noble when what we’re doing is harming our relationships in the long run.

Of course, the flip side of that ableism is not being seen as desirable from outsiders. It’s not completely their fault – thanks, society! – but it surely doesn’t help when people see us as objects of pity. They don’t understand their privilege, how harmful it is to treat us that way, or really how to be in a relationship with us.

Giving ‘the out’ can still be helpful though

With my husband’s depression and how all-encompassing it can be, I have been able to see both sides of this. It’s hard to be someone’s partner when you know you can’t help heal their wounds. It takes a toll on even the strongest people. That’s part of why I think conversations where we give ‘the out’ – tell our partners it’s okay if they can’t handle our shit – is important.

It brings up conversations about what we feel like we can handle. As hard as it is to say, it can help us weed out people who won’t be there for us when things are hard. There are a lot of people who aren’t dependable when the shit hits the fan. I don’t know about you but knowing that early on is helpful – it tells me to not waste my limited and precious energy on them.

Sometimes it can solidify that we’ve got a great partner, too. In unofficial ways, I’ve given ‘the out’ to my husband a few times. Each time, I get hit with the knowledge that – for the first time in my life – I have unconditional support. My partner, my family, is here for me. That reinforcement is so important for me because I’ve never had that, not in a non-abusive way.

I won’t say it’s completely perfect. To be honest, it’s a little scary – I’m used to everyone leaving at some point or another. Still, to have that kind of support – to know I have a partner who will wash my hair for me when I can’t move my fingers – is comforting. In middle of everything that is so chaotic and unpredictable with my health, having someone serve as a rock is exactly what I need.

Want to support the site? Check out these disabled and hot shirts!

 

S2E3: My #MeToo Story

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

black background with pink dots on the right side surrounding a photo of a person in a dark jacket holding a pink flower; to the left is white text: "Season 2, Episode 3" - pink text: "My #MeToo Story" - white text: "Chronic Sex Podcast"

TW: abuse, sexual harassment, consent violations, #MeToo

Links to support the Clexacon crew (but hurry – the shirt sales end this weekend!!!)
Bree’s amazing rainbow version of the Accessibility Matters tee
Our GoFundMe

Events
Check out the Events tab on Facebook
Playground conference
Good For Her
Safe Healthy Strong

MeToo ish
Rooted in Rights details
I told a #MeToo Story – And I Lost Friends

All music in the episode was from Poddington Bear. You can support the show at Patreon.