Author: Grayson Schultz

ClexaCon Fundraiser: Disability Representation Panel

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Clexacon logo (rainbow infinity symbol on its side with '2018' at the most righthand side) with ClexaCon written in rainbow below against a black background

If you haven’t already heard, I’ll be heading to ClexaCon this April! I’m incredibly excited as I’ll be on two panels. One is about sex ed for queer peeps called Let’s Get Cliterate! The other panel is about disability representation in queer media.

For the latter one, we’ve set up a GoFundMe to raise funds for those of us traveling to Vegas for the conference.

This panel is so needed. The fundraiser will go to cover travel and lodging during the conference for our panel peeps. One of our panel peeps has, unfortunately, had to drop out due to health, and we’re hoping to have some surprises from them at our panel at least.

Please consider donating. I’m driving and staying at an Airbnb to save on costs. Still, with having to get a new car sans planning, having any money to cover our travel and lodging would be very much appreciated. And that’s just me! There are others attending that could use the help as well.

Please consider sharing even if you’re unable to donate.

The Revolution Must Be Accessible, Part 1: Image Descriptions

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

black background with yellow text box and white text: "The Revolution Must Be Accessible, Part 1: Image Descriptions - Chronic Sex"

This piece started as a Twitter thread on Dec 3, 2017 — International Persons with Disability Day — and first went up on our Medium page. Heads up for a gif in the next page scroll down and a food picture later on.

When I was six, I struggled with iritis. It’s a type of uveitis affecting your iris. Like any other kind of uveitis, it can lead to vision problems and even loss. Having had several flare-ups of this over the years, I’m always nervous when it comes to my annual ophthalmology visit. I face other issues with my vision, too, making those annual checks even more concerning and anxiety-inducing.

All it takes is my juvenile arthritis or other conditions attacking my eyes to put me in danger again.

Because of that, I’ve become a bit of a stickler for adding in image descriptions.

Why is this important?

Look, screen readers can’t ‘read’ the photos of your cats you put up on Facebook or Twitter. That means that any cuteness you want to share gets missed by people with health issues affecting their vision.

When you leave out image descriptions, you become inaccessible. You say, knowingly or not, that your convenience or haste is more important than fully sharing something with another person.

There’s a lot more I could say, but the important thing is this: We have to start adding in descriptions to your photos and gifs to be fully accessible, regardless of your cause or photos.

Accessibility starts with those who care enough to participate in it.

Social Media

As much as we all seem to have a love-hate relationship with Twitter, they do a little better on accessibility around photos than other social media outlets. There is an option on Twitter to add in descriptions under settings > general > accessibility.

Turn this on! Make sure to actually utilize it. There’s no use in having that turned on if you’re not going to use it.

I use gifs a lot and wasn’t sure how to be accessible for a while. The new 280-character tweets, though, make this easier! I add a description at the end of the tweet or in the next tweet (connecting them as a reply/thread).

Here’s an example of one way to describe a gif:

(Gif: Wayne Brady in a long sleeve grey shirt dances against a colorful background, captioned “Yaaay!!”) 

With famous figures, most people tend to know who you’re talking about. You could add in that he’s black or that this gif is from Whose Line Is It Anyway? if you want. There’s really no wrong way to do these things.

On Twitter, once you’re doing more replies, you can’t add a description attached to a photo. That pisses me off. There’s still a way to be accessible, though!

In Twitter replies, just like on gifs, try adding in the description at the end of your tweet or in a subsequent tweet. In Twitter replies, on Facebook, and elsewhere, it’s helpful to insert an image description for full accessibility at the bottom of your writing in those square brackets, like so:

picture of Kirsten (white, nonbinary, short dark hair) wearing headphones in front of a mic smiling
[picture of Kirsten (white, nonbinary, short dark hair) wearing headphones in front of a mic smiling]
For Facebook, the best way to add descriptions is in square brackets at the bottom of your post like this:

screenshot of a facebook post - "/food/ I feel way too excited about my gluten free cupcakes right now... especially because these turned out absolutely perfect despite getting fancy and adding peppermint. [Photo of chocolate cupcakes in a silver cupcake pan on a stove with a purple-backed white caption: "when ya make gorgeous GF cupcakes"]"
screenshot of a Facebook post: “/food/ I feel way too excited about my gluten free cupcakes right now… especially because these turned out absolutely perfect despite getting fancy and adding peppermint. [Photo of chocolate cupcakes in a silver cupcake pan on a stove with a purple-backed white caption: “when ya make gorgeous GF cupcakes”]”

Sites

On places like Medium, consider adding the image descriptions as captions for the photo. They don’t allow you to put in descriptions outside of captions or additional text.

On blogs or other sites, you can either handle this through captions or you can utilize alt-text for this (which is what I tend to do here). This even raises your SEO score and can make your page more likely to show up higher in search results as well.

If you have WordPress, there are accessibility plugins to explore for maximum accessibility. There are even themes more suited to accessibility. Choosing these makes ensuring access easier for you and makes your site easier for people with a variety of accessibility needs.

What to Include

I often have people ask what to include in image descriptions. I used to try to add text that covered anything and everything from the photo in great detail. Sometimes, less is more, though.

The best answer is to focus on the subject of the image.

Use gender-neutral wording for people in pics (unless you know pronouns/gender). When adding in skin color or ethnicity, use ‘X appearing’ or ‘X passing’ unless you know that person’s ethnicity.

Here’s a good example:

Selfie of Kirsten (white non-binary person with a stereotypical queer haircut in a black sports bra) wearing aviators and making a duckface inside a Total Body Enhancement machine
[Selfie of Kirsten (white non-binary person with a stereotypical queer haircut in a black sports bra) wearing aviators and making a duckface inside a Total Body Enhancement machine]

And an animal-focused one:

Jaq — a brown and white guinea pig — in a tan carrier with red lining is getting petted and has looked up quickly (so he’s blurry) at the camera
[Jaq — a brown and white guinea pig — in a tan carrier with red lining is getting petted and has looked up quickly (so he’s blurry) at the camera]

And here’s a non-living thing one:

4 square gummies, 3 capsules, and 9 pills of varying colors spell out the word ‘fuck’ against a white countertop background
[4 square gummies, 3 capsules, and 9 pills of varying colors spell out the word ‘fuck’ against a white countertop background]

We can all do better

I tend to not add descriptions to photos I post on Instagram or Pinterest. Most people think of those as picture-focused mediums and don’t think of it. I also don’t do this on videos and I should, at least for background information. I am going to work on doing better in both of these areas, and I hope you join me.

If you’re ever sure whether or not something is accessible, just ask. If ever you feel the need to run stuff by someone, I’m always happy to help provide guidance or look for answers when I can.

Once you start, it’s easy to work in other social media avenues and become far more accessible. That way, everyone can join in on the fun — and the revolution.

Further reading

How to Get More Hits on Dating Sites

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a white appearing femme with a dark shirt and pink painted nails looking at their phone with a laptop in front of them - on left, a purple square text box with white text "How to Get More Hits on Dating Sites" and "Chronic Sex"

The dating world is odd. It’s not the same as it was a decade ago, but that doesn’t mean changes are bad. With so many apps and sites to choose from, it can be hard to figure out why you aren’t getting as many hits as you’d like. After playing with some of the leading sites and apps, I came up with some tips.

A Word About Disclosure

I always err on the side of disclosing too much rather than not enough. Look, I’m a “too much” person as it is, ya know? Why pause that for dating? I shared the basics of my health issues on my first date with my husband and I’m not shy about sharing these things in general.

Does that mean I may get fewer likes than an abled person on a dating site? Perhaps – but it also means the people who talk to me know more about what they’re getting into and choose to talk with me more. I hate nothing more than to get invested in someone, only to find that they’re ableist AF.

Photos

What kinds of photos have you got on your profile? If the only pictures you have are of kids or memes, expect fewer likes. It’s hard to meet up at a bar and know who you’re looking for if you only have a pet, a child, and a Wolfenstein meme to go off of.

When you’re putting up photos of yourself, make sure to have current ones towards the front. It’s great that you really love your senior high school photos, but you probably don’t look like that anymore. Don’t be like people I know who shared photos a decade old and moved halfway across the world for each other based on that and chatting.

Only putting up pics of you with pals or family makes it hard for someone to see you for you. They might think your username is tied to Great Aunt Gertrude! Try to put up at least one picture of you alone (or with a pet!) so that people know who you are. To get maximum hits, that should be your profile picture, too.

Some apps and sites have limitations on what photos can be shared, while others don’t. Keep this in mind as you choose the photos that display your life, personality, and favorite things.

Bio

OkCupid was great for long bios until they started forcing people to use first names (while publicly shaming some people’s usernames). They’ve partially walked their stance back, but the fact remains that it’s no longer a safe place for people who are trans, polyamorous, have stalkers, or have unique names. I liked their biography setup the most, especially as you can answer random questions and see who near you has similar answers. Alas, since it’s unsafe, we have to consider how else to write effective bios for other sites and apps.

Most sites only allow a snippet of information that OKC allowed. The most important thing to consider when writing your dating bio is what is most important to you. If you’re mostly looking for someone else who likes the horror genre to hang out with, don’t forget to put that. Other things that are a must: pronouns, wants, do-not-wants, and sexual orientation.

Your bio is also a great place to put any illness or disability-related things you want someone to know. Should they avoid fragrances? Do you need wheelchair-accessible spaces? Will being around shrimp kill you? Do you have a service animal? These are great things for people to know if they want to invite you out for dinner.

Personality

Does your personality shine throughout your profile? Does it feel like ‘you’ or like a stranger? I find it much more comforting when things are written in similar ways to how I would say them. Because of that, I tend to use whole sentences. Others condense for space or sub in emojis which is fine, too. It’s all about that balance between space and your personality.

The biggest point is to do what works for you while displaying all the coolness you have to offer. Without sharing cute solo pics, a kickass bio, and your amazing personality, people won’t be able to see all the awesomeness that is you.

Chat Schedule Thru July 2018

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a person using a laptop while sitting cross legged on a white bed; they are using a silver mac with black keys and have a watch on their left hand; a white overlay in the middle with black text: "Chat Schedule Thru July 2018" and "Chronic Sex"

I’m trying to do better with holding chat more often than not. Below is what I’m projecting to be the schedule for January thru July 2018. Of course, by nature of being chronically ill on top of traveling, this may change. Check #chronicsex on Twitter Thursdays for the latest updates. Make sure to read this beginner’s post about chat, too.

January:

  • 11
  • 18
  • 25

February:

I’ll be presenting at Playground in Toronto the weekend of 23-25 – come join in!

March:

  • 1
  • 15
  • 29

I’m presenting at Safe Healthy Strong in Milwaukee on the 21st or 22nd. I’ll update y’all when I know which day for sure.

April:

  • 19

April is a busy month! I’ll be presenting at ClexaCon in Las Vegas over the weekend of 6-8 as a part of two panels – one on queer sex education and the other on queer disability representation. The hubs and I are going to extend that into a vacation. I’m holding space for two other conferences later in the month as well.

May: 

  • 17
  • 24
  • 31

June:

  • 7
  • 21
  • 28

July:

  • 5
  • 19
  • 26

I’ll be presenting at Poly Dallas over the weekend of 13-15 about the complications of polyamory when you’re living with health crud. I’m really excited about this topic and about bringing it to light… and super excited that my BFF lives in Dallas, too!

4 Tips for Strengthening Your Pelvic Floor

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a femme with their butt clad in a pair of black bikini bottoms with pink hearts on them; they have their right hand reaching back around on their right buttcheek; white bar at top above photo and larger white bar at bottom with black text "4 Tips for Strengthening Your Pelvic Floor" and "Chronic Sex"

TW: gendered language in most of the links 🙁

Going to pelvic floor therapy this year really taught me a lot. Many of us have been taught that Kegels are the be all end all exercise for our pelvic floor. The reality is much, much different.

The Continence Foundation of Australia (CFA) has a great explanation of the pelvic floor, complete with visuals. I highly suggest familiarizing yourself with these muscles. At the very least, visualizing them helped me to understand more about the muscles I was using and which ones I wanted to target with various exercises.

Please check with your doctor before doing these exercises. There are people for whom these will be more harmful than helpful.

Contract, Hold, Relax, Push-Out, Relax

This is one of the most basic pelvic floor exercises (Kegels with a twist!).

Most Kegel-type exercises only focus on the contract, hold, release aspect. However, this ignores a lot of what our muscles need to do. For example, I’ve been doing Kegels at least once a week (usually more) for close to two decades. My pelvic floor was still shit because it would get too tight and too tense. You can overwork these muscles – and I was doing just that.

What you want to do with this – after learning more about the pelvic floor and how it works for your genitalia – is tighten your pelvic floor. Do not go 0-100, though. Start low and slow – tighten gradually and go maybe to 50% of what you think you’re capable of. Hold that for ten seconds and release, focusing on getting back to your resting level of tension. Then, push out with those same muscles. Again, go low and slow.

Squats

You can do these on your own, against a wall, or using a leg press. The leg press method might be best for those with mobility issues in their lower body. However, if using this method like I do, there are a number of things you have to keep in mind.

Keep the weight low and your repetitions steady. What you should aim for is a low weight you can press 8-10 reps easily 1-2 times. Using a high weight or trying to do too many repetitions can lead to problems for your pelvic floor, knees, hips, and back.

Regardless of method, you want to contract your pelvic floor during this exercise, but not at 100%. Always aim for a lower intensity with your contractions. You should never extend your knees to the point where they go past your feet.

Bridge

The bridge exercise is one of those mainstays in the exercise world. It’s used in yoga, pilates, and more. It’s a versatile one because it helps us to strengthen our core as well as our back and hips. Wikihow has a great run-down of how to do this.

One of the biggest benefits to this is that you can target different muscles depending on what your goal is. Want to focus on your abdomen? Tighten that as you lift your body. Glutes? Tighten those! The possibilities aren’t endless, but there are a plethora.

I’ve been doing bridges on and off since I was 12. It was one of the very first yoga-type exercises I learned (thanks, Seventeen!) and it’s very helpful. During the time I was in pelvic floor therapy and other physical therapy, this was one of the go-to exercises for both my pelvic floor and my back.

When focusing on your pelvic floor, you want to contract with your stomach as you lift your torso off the floor. Don’t go to 100% here – just focus on tightening a bit to where you’re not uncomfortable.

Core Exercises

Your core helps support your entire body. Strengthening this area can help to alleviate pressure and stress on both your pelvic floor and back. You can have a strong core without having six-pack abs, so don’t feel that you need to subscribe to unrealistic body image ideals.

CFA once again has a great resource for this (PDF). The important thing is to aim for exercises that will strengthen your core without overtaxing your pelvic floor muscles. Things like crunches and sit-ups? Those are things to avoid because what do we do? Clench more muscles than we need to. This can cause or increase problems with our pelvic floor.

Instead, stick to exercises such as wall push-ups, doing the bridge with an exercise ball, modified planks, etc.

Some Notes

The pelvic floor is a complicated thing. It’s a set of three muscle layers that move in ways no other muscles in your body do. These muscles help you in the bathroom, the bedroom, and all throughout the day.

Ignoring them is like always skipping leg day at the gym. You just shouldn’t do it, regardless of your gender or genitals. Being mindful of how you hold tension is very important to ensure your body isn’t harming itself with that tension.

You can snag some lacrosse balls or spiky balls to use on tense muscles in your hip and butt like the piriformis. There are a few other good things you can snag to help with tension in these muscles – I’ve got my favs over on Amazon.

There are some great pelvic floor exercisers out there, too! Take a look at these offerings from Vibrant, Peepshow Toys, and SheVibe.

When in doubt, I’d suggest talking with a pelvic floor therapist for more pointed tips. You can also download CFA’s Pelvic Floor First app for more ideas. I highly suggest browsing their site, too, as it has some great information.

Shit We Need to Leave in 2017

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a photo of a teal margarita with salt on the rim of the glass and a slice of lime against a teal background with a white text box with black text "Good riddance! Shit We Need to Leave in 2017 Chronic Sex"

This dumpster fire of a year is finally fucking coming to a close! Fuck, yeah! Are you as excited-slash-terrified as I am? I’m hopeful that some shit will end, but know that we’re on the verge of new terrors and adventures. I’ve prepared by playing Wolfenstein non-stop since the 23rd and seeing The Last Jedi.

Here is some of the bullshit we really need to leave in this year:

Pressure-filled questions that reinforce gender stereotypes because, no, I’m not having human children. It’s no one’s business anyway. Other things that aren’t your business? Relationship plans, career plans, household plans, etc.

Language that’s fatmisic, shames neurodivergence, ableist, racist, anti-LGBT+ and otherwise bigoted unless you’re reclaiming it as a member of a specific group.

Refusing to feel all your feels – including anger. Anger is a valid emotion and one we have to let ourselves feel, especially in our current sociopolitical climate.

Hijacking, comparing, giving unsolicited advice, and Cure Evangelism (and more!). Start practicing compassion. Ask people if they want advice. Stop saying your grandmother’s second cousin’s roommate had XYZ and got better doing ABC. Stop saying “I have it worse than you!” and the like. Let other people feel their feelings, vent, and more without taking over – and therefore negating – their pain.

Toxic friends and family, including staying connected with people on social media that are bigots. Just walk away. Great Aunt Margaret will have to deal with the fact that she’s transmisic at some point. Don’t encourage her behavior by continuing to stay connected.

two white-appearing people holding hands with a watery background

Being a goddamn bigot. Please just fucking grow up.

Shaming those of us who utilize fidget spinners. Guess what? They’re helpful for many of us with mental and physical issues and, fuck you, shaming that is ableist.

Ableist rhetoric that paints every mentally ill person as a murderer and every disabled person as inept or in a wheelchair. Ironically, the only thing that makes me want to hurt someone else is them being a bigot – especially about this shit. Also? Disabled peeps are more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators. Learn some shit.

Racist fucking shit. We get it – you’ve got privilege. Now use it to learn about the other BILLIONS of people in the world and how they get treated.

Shaming and blaming victims. From MeToo to gaslighting women of color about their experiences, I’m not having it.

Refusing to learn on your own. Search engines exist for a reason. Learn how to vet sources.

Gendering sex toys. Like, why the fuck is a dildo a female toy? It’s not! This shit only reinforces the gender binary (which shouldn’t exist).

Telling those of us who are trans, gender non-conforming, and queer/LGBT+ that we’re sinners, evil, should die, etc. I don’t have anything more to say about that other than – if this is you – fuck you.

Treating sex workers like shit. Sex work is one of the most accessible forms of work out there. Period. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t check out porn at least once in a while, either.

Pay for your shit. Stop using sites like Pornhub that doxx sex workers and steal their videos. Start paying for your porn through places like Crash Pad. Give people tips.

photo of a messy desk with someone writing on the top of a pile of papers in front of a computer with a cell phone in front of them

Refusing to take care of ourselves. Our society is so focused on productivity that we deny things we need. Self-care is important, though, and we have to start learning how to rest. This includes getting that mole checked out, seeing a therapist, sleeping, and eating enough.

The word handicapable. [insert eye roll here] The word is disabled. Say it. Handicap comes from disabled people begging and, essentially, it’s a slur, too. Changing it so it’s less horrifying for ableds isn’t doing anyone any favors.

Supporting organizations about people run by people outside of that group. Yep, I’m looking at you, Autism $peaks.

Alienating people who are highlighting marginalization issues (e.g., commenting “All Lives Matter!”). If all lives really mattered, we wouldn’t be having these conversations – or, you know, people of color being murdered by police.

Compromising your integrity for connections and opportunities. I’ve spent a lot of time entertaining relationships with people who weren’t good for me or the people and things that matter to me… because it might lead somewhere ‘nice.’ Never again.

Assuming someone’s tone by their written words. People constantly assume I’m saying things out of anger when I’m saying them matter-of-factly or kindly. Ask about tone if you’re confused or unsure – or just want to make sure your reaction is justified anger, not misplaced.

Companies that shame bloggers, writers, sex educators, and more. Enough.

Aiming for perfection. Literally, no one and nothing is perfect. Let’s stop pretending that’s a goal and start enjoying the journey.

Refusing to set boundaries. As someone who didn’t learn them growing up, I know it’s not an easy thing to learn. Still, boundaries are important for our well-being.

a person standing in a woody setting with their back to the camera - they're wearing a plaid shirt that has fallen off their left shoulder and dark leggings

Assuming someone’s gender, sexual orientation, and pronouns based on their appearance. While we’re at it, stop assuming race, ethnicity, and everything else. Start asking people questions. Communicate.

Those ‘not my president’ shirts and gear. Am I the only one who forgets how racists used that in the last decade to negate Obama’s presidency? Why are we using a term built by racism? Seriously?

Equating pussies with femme-hood. Sure, I have a vulva and a vagina, but I’m not a woman. I’m genderfluid. Gender is in your heart, not your parts. Some women have penises. Some have penises and vulvas. Get over it.

Staying quiet because you believe it’s ‘not your place’ to speak up about something. Look, if two dudes are making creepy sexual comments about someone and you don’t speak up? You’re condoning and approving their behavior. Stop doing that.

Tone-policing. You do not get to tell someone (especially those experiencing a level of marginalization you don’t know) how to respond to anything. Ever.

Pretending you’re not hurt when you are. In order to fully feel and process our feels, we have to name them. For maximum health, we have to communicate issues with people. If we start learning how to say “Wow, that comment was very ableist and hurtful” we might be able to nip this shit.

 

What else would you like to see left in this year?

photo of a femme person with long hair standing outside with the sun distorting their head and creating light in the bottom of the pic; white text "I'm Angry - And That's Okay" and "Chronic Sex"

I’m Angry – And That’s Okay

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

TW: some discussion of abuse, transmisia, cisheterosexism, racism, ableism

Like many people, I have mixed feelings about 2017. It’s been one of the most difficult years to be active in politics, activism, and advocacy work. At the same time, it’s been a pretty big year for me personally.

I struggle with how much of myself to share at times. There are so many people who appreciate and enjoy the vulnerability that I try to have. There are others who tell me that my attitude and focus on activism is “too much” for them. Being a people-pleaser (thanks, mother), it’s hard to navigate where to go. Naturally, my inclination is to try to please everyone. However, I know this is impossible.

As an activist, I’ve found that people who consider me to be “too much” are the same ones who want everyone to get along. This is also impossible.

As someone who is trans, queer, and disabled, I encounter people all the time who wish I didn’t exist. Our government enacts policies that make it harder for my people to continue living for this very reason. White supremacists in our government are pushing back against policies meant to increase equality.

I don’t know how anyone could sleep at night while trying to make friends with people who want me dead. I just don’t.

For a long time, I did pretty well hiding my anger. After I cut my mother out of my life, so much toxicity had left and I felt whole for the first time in a long time. I was able to explore parts of myself I never could before. I tried to explore gender in college, but my mother didn’t want to hear anything about it. Since I’m open online about everything I’ve been through, I didn’t feel safe exploring that. Even though it caused me both physical and emotional pain, I bit my tongue when I should’ve spoken up about things under the guise of getting along with others.

In October 2016, I came out as not being cisgender and as being queer/pansexual. I had so many friends support me and rejoice with me for being able to articulate my gender identity and sexual orientation. In the months before, I learned more about integrity and the importance of staying true to myself. I started to push back against people’s misguided and hurtful comments.

A few weeks later when Cheeto Voldemort was elected, the fear and anger came back along with an overbearing sadness. I was disappointed in my fellow white people for refusing to see the challenges they were placing on others. I’d been blogging for nearly a decade openly about being disabled. I began to regret the vulnerability I showed in the past.

Combine that with my recently non-cishet identities and I was terrified.

I began to lose friends. It wasn’t because I hated people, but they refused to see why people in my communities – queer, trans, disabled – were afraid. They mocked us for our fear while preaching that we should all just learn to get along. What people mean in those moments is that they want us to deny who we are to make them more comfortable.

Fuck that.

I grew up in that world. I woke up and went to sleep every single day for two decades denying my truth. My mother wanted queers wiped out, openly made transmisic and racist comments, embraced white supremacist ideology, and wanted to lift me up as inspiration porn – but only if I relied on her for my care. I spent much of my life biting my tongue and not speaking out against these ridiculous dehumanizing statements. I made a very specific and very difficult choice in cutting my mother out of my life so she could no longer abuse me. Why would I let friends do the same things my mother did?

I mean, do y’all not know me?

The Lisa Simpson inside of me came out and started pushing back against comments that were hurtful and wrong. I became very vocal about how scared I was and how that fear was a very real and very valid response to our political climate.

First, I got rid of friends who thought my people were just overreacting. Then, I started leaving Facebook groups full of oppression olympics (e.g., “My pain is worse than yours!”). I got kicked out of feminist groups for suggesting that labeling oneself an intersectional feminist without welcoming trans/GNC people openly was hypocritical. Using my bachelor’s in religious studies, I shared knowledge with my religious friends about how their viewpoints on religion and non-cishet people were misguided and poor representations of their faith.

Hell, I even started to use my memory of conversations to push back against friends who told different stories of interactions with abusers to different audiences while telling my MeToo story. In the fallout from that, I got emails from ‘friends’ about how my being open about my entire life felt exclusionary to them because that wasn’t their life.

Just because I’m blunt doesn’t make me a bitch or an asshole. I don’t have the energy or the time to entertain people who refuse to see the dangers around us or who only want to look at happy cats on their social media. That doesn’t change or fix our world. Yes, self-care has a place, but fighting needs to happen, too. Between contacting my political representatives daily, protesting, and more, there’s no room for me to please those who only want to see smiling, happy faces. That’s especially true when my health tanked this year.

In losing people who weren’t really friends in a do-or-die sense, though, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m compassionate until someone gives me a reason not to be. People insert tone into my sentences that isn’t there, and that’s not my fault. When I hide emotions, I literally get sicker and deal with a huge amount of pain.

Most of all, I’ve learned that being angry is okay. Anger is an important emotion, one that we have to let ourselves feel. Life isn’t all rainbows, pride parades, and popcorning guinea pigs. Sometimes, life is anger, leading the Rebellion into the Empire’s fortresses. It’s waking up every single day ready to be on the attack because, if we’re not, our rights get taken away.

It’s been this way, every day, for over a year. Maybe I’m too much like Hamilton and I should talk less, smile more. I’m sure I’d get more opportunities, more work if I was just happier… but that’s not me. I work non-stop to help people. Being angry protects me from reaching back out to abusers, and I write for those in similar situations. Anger fuels my fight against those who would have me eliminated or harmed. It pushes me harder in research, writing, politics, and at the gym.

I’m angry – and that’s okay. I have every right to be, and so do you.

My Favorite Things of 2017

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

dark background with someone holding a sprinkler is outlined in yellow; white text "My Favorite Things of 2017" and "Chronic Sex"

It’s been a bit of a shit year, hasn’t it? The only thing that’s saved it, for me, is that I’m motivated to keep fighting the bullshit constantly coming down the pike. Taking everything into account, these are my favorite things from 2017.

Goods, Services, and Experiences

Delightful Cycle
My high school pal Alex’s company Delightful Cycle really took off this year. In this guest post, she highlights why she chose to start a menstruation-related subscription box – and her own struggles with health issues. Since then, she’s started shipping internationally! If I still had regular periods, you best believe I’d sign up.

Caragold Premium Lube
I have to say I’m pretty bummed. I love this CBD-infused lube from Good Clean Love… but they seem to not be making it anymore. It’s sold out on a lot of sites now, too. I’ve tried to look to see why, but haven’t found any answers. If you search, you can still find this in some stores, but it’s not easy to find. It’s a shame because this lube is very helpful for pain related to sex.

Flogging
One of my favorite things about attending conferences this year was learning more about BDSM/kink and having the opportunity to try some things out. The biggest benefit I saw? My year-long fibromyalgia flare stopped after trying flogging. Really. Whenever my fibro acts up, I take out my flogger and practice some self-flagellation and I’m good within a few hours.

#MeToo (kinda?)
There are problems with the MeToo movement as practiced right now, especially because so much of the focus is on famous white cishet women. I’m grateful that conversations are happening around sexual violence, but also upset at the lack of intersectionality within them… and how people who support survivors as a whole question individual stories.

Talkspace
Because of the prevalence of MeToo and discussions about harassment and sexual violence, Talkspace decided to give away three months of free therapy to survivors. I’m lucky enough to be one of the recipients and it’s been a life-changer. I still skirt around issues because I’m great at that, but being able to text my therapist? Amazing!

Doxy Massager and Queen Bee
My two favorite sex toys this year are the Doxy Massager and Queen Bee. Both of these are easy to use, provide amazing vibrations, and can also be super effective general body massagers. There’s a reason why my neck pain isn’t as bad as it was earlier this year, and these toys are certainly a part of it.

University of Guelph Sexuality Conference
I had such an amazing time at the Guelph Sexuality Conference this year. It was the first sexuality conference I’ve attended and it was the best. The research presented was so affirming to the work I do. The companies there talking with people – like Come As You Are – were the most fun to talk to. On top of that, I got to meet some of my absolute favorites like Eva of What’s My Body Doing. Plus, come on, it’s in Canada!

Planet Fitness
I was on the fence about joining PF at first. After taking the tour of the local one, though, I really liked it. There’s no pressure like I’ve felt at other gyms. I’ve gone from only doing physical therapy exercises at home to working out 4-6 times a week. It’s so easy to go, give it my all, and leave.

Bloggers, Writing, and Research

KLB Research
Dr. Karen Blair conducts a lot of research about sexuality. As a college student, Blair was unable to find queer-inclusive research – so now that’s her focus. So many studies are cisheteronormative, so it’s refreshing to see someone addressing the needs of the LGBT+ community.

Formidable Femme
Sarah is one of my favorite people. She talks very openly about being an abuse survivor, pleasure as resistance, mental health, and more. These are conversations that we have to be having.

Hedonish
It’s no secret that Rachael is one of my favorite people on this earth. Hell, we’re business partners! She talks openly about how difficult it is to live with chronic illnesses that affect her sex life. Vulva pain can be incredibly alarming and she handles it so well.

JoEllen Notte
JoEllen is one of the first sex bloggers I ever met. I got to go to dinner with her, Stella Harris, and Kate Kenfield in Portland last year and just couldn’t believe this is my life. Every time I see her, JoEllen brings warmth and frankness to discussions of introversion, sex, and depression.

Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life 
Elle Chase‘s latest book is one of the best I’ve ever read. One of the things I love the most is that she goes through basic sex education information, accessibility, and more. It’s really a one-stop-shop for knowledge we should all have, regardless of our curves. Check out my review.

Patients & Providers
Micah and my friend Charlie started curating a series of posts on health care and transgender/gender nonconforming people called Transgender Health: Patients & Providers. It’s been a great read! Topics covered so far include gender in research, finding trans-friendly providers, mental health, and more.

Affiliates

Look, I love all my affiliates. I really do. Still, there are some I would jump through any hoop for.

Amazon
I just added Amazon as an affiliate, so I’m not sure how things will go. That said, I’m really excited to bring you the collection of my favorite things.

Vibrant
It’s no secret that Vibrant is my absolute favorite. On top of providing amazing information and education, they only sell body-safe toys. They also donate all their proceeds to the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains, a cause near and dear to my heart. I volunteered with PP in Oregon when I was a high schooler and have been a big supporter of theirs ever since.

Liberty Lotion
I haven’t posted a review of Liberty Lotion products here but have at Not Standing Still’s Disease. Their products are incredible for pain relief. Their CBD lotion smells amazing and provides a calming and cooling comfort. Their tincture is good, too. I need to try more of their stuff!

Books I’m Looking Forward To in 2018

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of old weathered books on shelves with a white text box and black text "Books I'm Looking Forward To in 2018" and teal text "Chronic Sex"

Some of these books are out now. It’s close enough to 2018, though, that I’ll never get to them this year! A little disclaimer: I’m not much of a non-fiction person, so you won’t find much from that world here. You’ll find health, history, human rights, comics, and more, though!

Ask Me About My Uterus: A Quest to Make Doctors Believe in Women’s Pain by Abby Norman

Abby is at the top of my list for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I’m lucky enough to know her. She is a large part of why I share the realities of living with chronic illnesses. I won’t ruin Abby’s story by sharing it here, but it’s a harrowing journey full of gaslighting and sexism from medical providers due to being a young woman with excruciating pain. As a fan of Abby’s, I’m so excited to see her writing journey blast off.

The Radium Girls: The Dark Story of America’s Shining Women by Kate Moore

The Radium Girls tells a harrowing story that many don’t know – one of girls working in radium factories. At this point, the dangers of radium weren’t known. Concerns about side effects were ignored and corruption ran rampant. Still, thanks to the women who went through this process, we have tighter regulations on harmful chemicals today.

Big Mushy Happy Lump by Sarah Andersen

If you’re a fan of the Sarah’s Scribbles comics? She talks openly about anxiety, relationships, and adulthood in this latest edition of her work. This came out in March, but I’ve been slow on the uptake!

When They Call You a Terrorist by Patrisse Khan-Cullors & Asha Bandele

Khan-Cullors is a co-founder of Black Lives Matter in addition to being an artist, speaker, activist, and Fulbright scholar. Oh, you know, she also won the 2017 Sydney Peace Prize, right? Bandele is a world-renown journalist and activist with the Drug Policy Alliance. Together, the two explain the founding of BLM while debunking the many myths floating around.

So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo

Oluo is one of the most prolific writers of our time. She’s not afraid to call-out racism and discrimination when she sees it. In this work, Oluo highlights how racism affects our society from microaggressions to overt actions. In order to become a better accomplice, it’s important to face these issues head-on.

Not That Bad, edited by Roxane Gay

With pieces from notable activists such as Gabrielle Union and Ally Sheedy, this book covers the many ways sexism pervades our society. With the response to the MeToo movement, this is timely and so very needed – especially as many of us recognize how much we shirk off inappropes comments. Topics include immigration, sexual violence, and more.

The World Only Spins Forward: The Ascent of Angels in America by Isaac Butler

It’s been two decades since Angels in America hit it big, sweeping awards shows and gaining international praise for its portrayal of queer life and HIV/AIDS activism. This book offers a written oral history account of conversations and debates between many players over the years – actors, producers, and more.

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland

This is the only piece of fiction on the list! I’m a sucker for historical pieces that add in zombies. In this novel, zombies pop up during the Civil War. Jane, the main character, is a black woman who learns everything she can about fighting in order to use her skills in the ‘service’ of others. Race, humanity, and survival all come together in both familiar and new ways.

Invisible: How Young Women with Serious Health Issues Navigate Work, Relationships, and the Pressure to Seem Just Fine by Michelle Lent Hirsch

Like Abby’s book, this one highlights the story of many women who are gaslit, not believed, or try to ‘tough it out’ when they fall ill. Lent Hirsch highlights how various identities play into these issues, such as how women of color and trans women often find it even harder to be heard. I am beyond excited to read such an intersectional take on paternalism in healthcare.

Everyone’s a Aliebn When Ur a Aliebn Too by Jomny Sun

What happens when a lonely alien is outcast and is supposed to write about humans on a foreign planet? Friendship, sads, happiness, and cool drawings you can color in. It’ll make you cry, but then remind you to smile. Even Lin-Manuel Miranda said “Jomny Sun’s incredible writing knocks you to the floor, breathless, then scoops you up and gives you a kiss where it hurts before it occurs to you to cry. Read this book only if you want to feel more alive.”

You can find these all and more of my favorites at my Amazon page. Go get your read on!