Author: Grayson Schultz

'Study: How Fibromyalgia Impacts Relationships and SEX for Men' in white text over a purple background next to a photo of two people's feet intertwining in a bed with white sheets

Study: How Fibromyalgia Impacts Relationships and SEX for Men

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The University of New Brunswick has been conducting some amazing studies as of late. Currently, they have one looking to understand how fibromyalgia impacts relationships and sexual well-being. This study is specifically looking for males with fibromyalgia. Due to how hard it’s been to find men, they are giving participants $75 CAD.

These researchers are also looking to continue research on sexuality and chronic illnesses or chronic pain conditions. The cool thing about this is that the next step in this study is to interview our partners. I love this.

You can learn more about this group at their site. You can view and download the consent form via PDF here and email that to rehablabUNB@gmail.com.

'for all means for all' in white text over a front-on photo of the statue of liberty

For all means ALL

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

…with liberty and justice for all.

This isn’t a catchphrase. It is supposed to be what the United States stands for.

We don’t do great at it – disabled people of color, for instance, have a higher chance of being killed by police than I do as a white disabled queer person. Many parts of the country are still incredibly hostile to those of us who are disabled, LGBT+, or a part of any other marginalized community.

If you’re not a middle-to-upper-class cishet abled white dude, America doesn’t treat you well.

But this past week? It’s removing what democracy we had. Some of my friends aren’t able to visit home despite having green cards for fear that they’ll never be able to come back here for studies, work, and to be with their families.

This is wrong. It is a gross injustice and against everything our country was founded upon.

We are not a Christian nation. We were founded on ideals of religious tolerance, that we should allow all religions to be different than the countries we came from.

I know these things because, unlike those who claim to practice certain religions, I’ve actually studied them. My undergraduate degree is in religious studies, history, and politics.

Before my illnesses progressed too far for me to continue, I studied the Middle East and Islam and Arabic. I know so many who call or have called the Middle East home at one point or another. Islam, like any other religion, is peaceful. Yes, it can be coopted, but so can any religion.

In fact, I would argue this has happened to Christianity here – people who claim to hold true to the ideals of love thy neighbor are doing exactly the opposite.

I cannot stand for the hatred currently being normalized by our ‘leaders’ in this country. Nazism, white supremacy, and genocide will not become the norm here. We will fight.

Chronic Sex will remain a place that stands up for everyone, that values each and every life. Someone’s religious beliefs or heritage or ability should have no bearing on how much we, as a society, treat them. Every person deserves love and safety. Every person deserves justice. We are going to promote that for the rest of our existence.

Study: The Relationship Between Media & Sexuality

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

If you are between the ages of 18-35, please consider taking part in the following research opportunity.

This study examines the “relationship between media and sexual attitudes and behaviors.” It takes about 15-20 minutes to complete the study via Survey Monkey. There are no financial benefits or incentives related to this study.

If you have any questions or concerns about this research study, please feel free to contact Izabella Bagdasarian at izabella.bagdasarian at gmail dot com or Dr. Christensen at Jacquelyn.christensen at woodbuey dot edu.
a black and white photo of the back of a woman sitting with her legs to her chest and overlooking a city; 'an abortion story' in purple

An Abortion Story

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I was 28.
I had a Masters degree.
I had a full-time job and employer-provided health care. It provided comprehensive reproductive coverage, including birth control at no out-of-pocket cost for me.
I was on birth control.
I got pregnant.
I had an abortion.

I don’t fit the stereotype of individuals who have elected to terminate a pregnancy. I wasn’t young. I wasn’t uneducated. I wasn’t working an hourly job. By not fitting the stereotype, I also don’t have what our culture deems a “good reason” for having an abortion. I was old enough, smart enough, and had enough financial stability that I could have raised a child. I was in a committed relationship. I had a partner who would have been supportive in co-parenting. I even had it “so together” that I probably could have passed off my pregnancy as planned.

I just didn’t want to have a child then. Or maybe ever. And that should be enough.

I could also give you a long list of excuses for how I came to be pregnant. Maybe I took something that interacted with the efficacy of my birth control. The truth is that like many people, I regularly forgot to take my birth control. Truthfully, I wasn’t always so attentive about taking my birth control because I thought with my hypothyroidism I wouldn’t get pregnant anyway. And so, my carelessness and inattentiveness resulted in an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy.

I was lucky. Within 10 minutes of my apartment there were two clinics that provided abortion services. Within two hours, there were ten more clinics accessible to me. I also lived in a state that only had “relatively” restrictive abortion laws. They “only” had to provide me with a packet of information, perform an ultrasound, and make me wait 24 hours between initial examination and the procedure.

My experience at the clinic was great. The staff, nurses, and physician were incredibly kind and graceful. I ultimately chose the clinic I did because they were the only one who allowed a support person to be present with me during the procedure. My partner sat next to me and held my hand while my pregnancy was terminated. It took less than five minutes. I was kept under observation for about an hour and was sent home with antibiotics and super Tylenol for the discomfort. I laid on the couch all weekend and went to work Monday morning like every Monday morning.

I also don’t make a “good” post-abortion person. Why not? I don’t carry the required post-abortion guilt. I can’t tell you about feelings of emptiness, sadness, or immense regret and shame. I wasn’t depressed afterward. I haven’t seen a therapist because of it. In fact, I felt relief. After I fully recovered from the procedure and realized my morning sickness and mental fogginess had left, I felt whole again.

I work in a field where you would think that I could be public about the fact that I’ve had an abortion. Many of my friends are jealous of my progressive parents. I move in intersectional feminist circles. I do social justice work professionally.

But now I do this work in the South. It’s a place that doesn’t feel safe to disclose that I’ve had an abortion. Only five people I know personally are aware of my abortion. My family doesn’t know. My primary care physician doesn’t even know.

Why not?

For all the reasons I listed above. I don’t have a “good enough” reason for an abortion. I don’t have a “good enough” excuse why I became pregnant. I don’t have a “good enough” response for how I feel since having an abortion.

Why am I guest blogging about this now?

Because reproductive rights are under attack like never before. President Trump made sure that during his first full week in office that he would reinstate the abortion “gag rule” which prevents foreign health organizations from even mentioning abortion as a family planning option if they want to receive American aid. They don’t even have to be an abortion provider – so long as they even discuss or disclose abortion is a family planning option, they lose the ability to access the approximately $600 million dollars in international health care aid the US annually spends.

When President Trump was on the campaign trail, he also stated that individuals like me should “face some sort of punishment” for having an abortion.

What do I want you to do with my personal story?

I don’t know, really. File it away. Challenge your perception of why people get abortions. Realize we don’t all feel shitty about our choice after the fact. See a little bit of yourself in me. I could launch into all the pro-choice arguments. I could defiantly say that if you don’t want an abortion, don’t get one. I could implore you to envision me as your daughter, partner, sister, whoever you need to compare me to so that to you’ll be more empathetic to my perspective.

Honestly, I just felt a sense of duty to share my abortion story when politicians proudly condemn me and everyday people feel so empowered to shame me.

Why Chronic Sex?

Chronic Sex is the perfect place to discuss pregnancy – whether it was wanted or unwanted, planned or unplanned, carried to term or terminated. This is a space dedicated to safely discussing relationships and sexuality. And sometimes that means discussing pregnancy and abortion. I think abortion ranks up there on shame-filled sex discussions.

I wish there were more spaces like Chronic Sex. I wish could sign my name to this blog post and proudly state that I’ve had an abortion. And it wasn’t that bad. And that if I had to go back, I’d do it again. That my reasons were good enough.

'restrictions don't stop abortions they make abortions more dangerous' in white text over a pink-to-blue ombre blurry background

This guest blog comes on the heels of an attack on reproductive rights worldwide by Donald Trump. Please read more about the gag rule and get involved with ways to fight it through organizations such as Planned Parenthood, NARAL, and the ACLU.

As always, you are welcome to share a guest post. Email me at graysongoal at protonmail dot com.

Love Your Cervix!

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The cervix is that cute little friend in the picture above. Essentially, it is tissue that creates a neck (for lack of a better term) between the uterus and the vagina.

There are many different kinds of issues that the cervix can face – cervical cancer, infections, polyps, erosion/abrasion, endometriosis, chronic pain, and more.

January is all about cervical health – most specifically related to cervical cancer. Take care of you. Make sure to visit your healthcare teams or Planned Parenthoods for testing and regular exams. If you are between 21-65, you should be getting a pelvic exam every 1-3 years depending on your personal health, risk, and other factors.

Additionally, consider the HPV vaccine. HPV is one of the growing causes of cancers that not only affect the cervix but also the anus, vulva, penis, throat, and other conditions. If you and/or your partner are non-monogamous? Protect yourself.

Want to see real cervices or learn how to check out your own? Check out the Beautiful Cervix Project. Do note there is a lot of talk of pregnancy.

red background featuring an anatomically correct heart overlay; 'tonight's topic: advocacy in 2017'

Chat Questions Jan 12, 2017: Advocacy in 2017

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

It’s been a while since we had chat, I know. My health hasn’t been great lately and, let’s face it, I think a lot of us are feeling pretty defeated, too.

I’ll be honest – as a queer and disabled sexuality educator/disability activist who grew up in poverty and abuse and tries to be as intersectional in advocacy as possible? I don’t feel like this country wants me here right now. That is really hard to balance with doing social justice work.

I know I’m not the only one dealing with these feels. Tonight, let’s talk through some of this and come up with some advocacy ideas together. If we can help each other, the work that we do goes further.

This will be a really chill chat tonight. We are going to check in with each other. No one can pour tea from an empty cup.

We are going to check in with each other. No one can pour tea from an empty cup so we need to talk about self-care.

We’ll talk about some struggles we’re having. Next, we will see if we can brainstorm on advocacy together.

Join us tonight at 7 pm Eastern over on Twitter using the tag #chronicsex.

{pink background with flowers and hamburgers; white text: it's cool if it's not your thing, just don't yuck someone else's yum :) }

Stop Kink-Shaming DT and Focus on Real Problems

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

In case you missed it, a recent news story broke involved DT hiring hookers for golden showers on a bed where the Obamas stayed in Russia. Cue kink-shaming and pee jokes galore. I’m rolling my eyes so hard that I’m worried about their health frankly.

I am beyond tired of the kink-shaming pee jokes friends. Knock it off. Some people like pee. Some like ropes or being dominated or babied. You don’t need to mock BDSM to hurt DT. You just don’t. As a sexuality educator, I won’t stand for it. Just because a kink instead your cup of tea doesn’t mean you get to shame.

Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.

What y’all need to be focused on is the racist issue behind this – on the bed where the Obamas slept.

But while y’all are distracted with making pee jokes and kink-shaming, DT is doing shit that will kill people. But, sure, let’s focus on golden showers instead of actions against POC, PWD, LGBT+, etc, or having literal Nazis supporting him and in his cabinet or calling out how the ACA repeal will kill millions of us or focusing on his Russian ties and the fact that we are all fucked.

We need more people who choose to do something productive with their social media presence right now. You can do that. We need people to use their power, privilege, following for good in this fight again fascism. Kink-shaming and sex-worker-shaming ain’t it. We need people to speak out about what doesn’t get the most attention – not DT’s tweets but policies, people, foreign involvement, etc.

When DT tweets, he does it in a specific way to make y’all get uppity about that instead of focusing on the real dangers. His latest question about Nazi Germany for example? Meant to throw you off of Russian involvement, Sessions’ confirmation hearing, and more. Stop taking the bait and start thinking for yourselves. Start reading those documents & reports and sharing your outrage. Read between the lines.

Be a leader.
Share real stories.

Shame people not for kinks or sex work but for Nazi beliefs and affiliations, making it dangerous for sex workers and others to live safe lives, how people are being silenced and attacked viciously by DT and his supporters, treason, effectively plotting the deaths of the disabled and LGBT+ and people of color – you have a lot to choose from here.

Get your priorities straight.

This country needs every voice to speak out on these things. We are ‘Stronger Together’ and we can stop some of this. We just have to grow up a bit here and stop focusing on the wrong things.

a chronic sex gift guide

A Chronic Sex Gift Guide? (and savings!)

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Thanks to our pals over at Unbound, it does exist!

I’ve included some of my favorite toys and helpful tools on the list, including:

Good Clean Love Almost Naked lubricant
Bendybeads from Fun Factory
Silicone dilator set from Sinclair Select
And more!

Click here to be taken to the full list. You can save 30% on your order by using the code ‘KIRSTEN30’ at checkout.

Favorite Things of 2016

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

It’s safe to say that, as a disabled genderqueer pansexual sex educator type, 2016 has not been my favorite. I try to do the most-good for the most people that I can. Yet, 2017 is shaping up to be a year where my dedication to that ideal will be challenged as much as possible.

It’s icky.

I sit at a point of privilege, despite my marginalizations, for being a middle-class-ish (now) white girl… and, yet, I’m incredibly scared. Some of that is for me and various parts of my family, like my sibling relying on government aid to raise children. Some of that is for my friends and people I’ve never even ‘met’ – online or IRL.

Before we hop into the next year of struggle and strife, I wanted to reflect on some of the happier times we have somehow managed to have this year – and celebrate some of my favorites.

Getting to travel, present, and connect. This year has been intense in regards to my travel schedule in a way that I’ve never seen before. I love it. Because of Chronic Sex and the advocacy I do elsewhere for chronic illnesses and disabilities, I have been to New York City, Milwaukee, Chicago, Toronto, Phoenix, Philadelphia, Stanford, Los Angeles, and Portland. I got to visit some of those fine places a few times this year even.

Self-Care. Okay, this may seem like a contradiction when I’m talking about all this work. However, by opening up more of a conversation about self-care and self-love, it’s really helping me. My goal is always to help others, but it’s really nice when a side effect of that is helping myself!

Hamilton. I got to see it on Broadway as a direct result of my advocacy work. I was in New York and got paid enough for a ticket on a night when I had chosen to stay over for self-care. It was amazeballs.

SYLK. This one shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone since we did a giveaway earlier this year with SYLK. They are an incredible company who is really focused on how they can help those of us dealing with lubrication or disability related sexual issues to live a more fulfilled sexual life. Plus, as a lube, this is an amazing one okayed by myself and the hubs.

Tool Shed Toys. I love Tool Shed and their educator, Lucky Tomaszek. It’s really a part of what has got me going down this path. The shop is amazing and everyone is incredibly knowledgeable. A huge perk? The amazing events they have year-round.

Aches, Pains, and Love. I regret to inform you this isn’t as kinky as it might sound, but it’s a helpful resource nonetheless. Kira Lynne from podcast episode 6 wrote this amazing book about dealing with pain and illness throughout dating and a relationship. It’s my second go-to book next to The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. Stay tuned in the future, too, as I’ll be reviewing her book and doing a giveaway!

Kate McCombs. Have you ever met someone and you instantly clicked? That’s the kind of relationship Kate and I have, and it’s the best.

Mariah Leach. Mariah is my sometimes partner-in-crime. She has rheumatoid arthritis in addition to other fun things and, like many of us, has struggled with how to maintain a sex life in spite of it all. She writes amazing pieces that show a sense of vulnerability but ownership of that, too.

Ducky Doolittle. I have had the distinct pleasure of connecting with Ducky via a workshop on sexuality and disability she and Robin Mandell ran online earlier this year. They are both incredibly helpful, insightful, and have great things to say about how sex and sexuality can become more accessible to everyone.

Dallas Novelty. I just discovered this company which has a disabled toy section on their site. A major part of what they do is focused on how to highlight sexual needs for us and making things available to us that we can actually use.

Smitten Kitten. I need to visit IRL (and will, soon!). SK is in Minneapolis and is an amazingly progressive sex shop. They’re fun to interact with, know their stuff, and even focus on social justice issues not always related to sex and sexuality.

Fleshlight. I would have never in a million years thought I would be putting Fleshlight on my list of favorites. However, they have some amazing packers including the one I picked up for myself on Black Friday. I probably couldn’t gone with the extra-small though – hello bulge city! Still, the packer is comfy and I find myself forgetting I have it on sometimes.

Babeland. This was the first sex shop I visited in New York City and as a sex educator type. I learned a lot while I was there, got some teaching tools, and had an incredibly pleasant time with their staff.

Come as you are. This is one of those holy grail type of progressive sex shops. I wound up doing more self-care while I was in Toronto and didn’t make it to the shop! They have all sorts of great information online, especially about sex and disability, and are incredibly helpful via social media.

iFundWomen. The amazing group over at IFW has really helped to give me some free fundraising advice, evaluate goals, and more. Honestly, it’s more than crowdsourcing/funding – it’s an amazing service.

If you appreciate the work I do, please consider donating to the site via iFundWomen (one-time) or Patreon (monthly). Right now, I bring in $18 a month from my amazing Patreon subscribers. I would love to be able to bring in just a little more even, to be able to push this site and our work even further.

 

 

Review: Crescendo from Mystery Vibe

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Note: I did receive the Crescendo for free, though not in exchange for this review. I’ll be blunt and honest as always.

Today, we’re talking about the Crescendo from Mystery Vibe.

The press around this toy has been impressive, being featured in a number of print and digital magazines or sites. Crescendo was even honored as one of The 10 Best Sex Toys Released in 2016 by Glamour. My big question to answer here is:

How accessible is the Crescendo to us chronically badass and disabled peeps?

First, some background & details:

Crescendo is innovative from an idea perspective. The toy arrives straight (like a space bar) but can be positioned in a number of ways. It is waterproof. There is also an app that you can utilize to control Crescendo’s vibrations.

Because the outer skin of the toy is silicone, it’s important to remember not to utilize oil or silicone-based lubes with it because that’s how damage happens. Water-based is the way to go here.

After opening Crescendo up, I was instantly struck by how snazzy the whole package was. Included with the toy: a wireless charger and a cute little satin carrying pouch. It added to the luxuriousness of the whole thing.

The first time I tried this, I was in a hotel out in Portland. Setting the mood a little bit with some sexy music from Hamilton and a few hot visualizations, I felt pretty in the mood. I decided to forgo using the app the first go-round because I wanted to see how accessible the toy was on its own.

It didn’t really impress me.

It is really difficult to change between modes/speeds while using the toy with hand dexterity issues. The mode-changing buttons were in really awkward spaces, especially if you’re handling Crescendo a lot during use.

Bending the Crescendo was a little iffy, too. I was concerned about breaking it! I didn’t need to be, but still – it hampered the mood a little bit in addition to not being super easy for my cripple hands.

There are some powerful motors in this thing. I attempted to try this out during a fibromyalgia flare. One of the symptoms I get hit with a lot is where sensations that don’t usually hurt actually do (allodynia). That normally doesn’t affect my masturbation habits or toy use, but it did here. The motors of the Crescendo are so powerful that it was uncomfortable. Combine that with how difficult it is to change modes and intensity on the Crescendo itself and there is no way I would be able to use this during a fibro flare.

When I did use the app, I had mixed feelings. It updated my Crescendo which was cool. As a part of that, I was able to access a bunch of new vibrations – ones that I honestly liked better than the heavy hitters preloaded onto the device. It was easier to switch between these and control a bit of the intensity.

wild cats setting on the mystery vibe app

However, the app would keep resetting if my phone screen went dark. This led to it having to sync with Crescendo, which meant turning it off and back on again if I wanted to change modes. Either that, or I was constantly trying to keep my phone ‘awake’ to keep everything in sync. Since I really like variety, this was a turn-off… such a turn-off that I didn’t even cum honestly.

And I usually cum pretty easily.

I thought part of the draw of this would be to have a more hands-free orgasm, but that just wasn’t possible. While the bending component was neat, Crescendo wasn’t able to bend in enough of a way to be completely comfortable and hands-free. Unless I held down this part on my clit, she didn’t get any stimulation at all.

I could see this device being fun for play with partner(s). The idea of someone controlling what my potential sexual pleasure feels like is a major turn-on. It would be incredible for teasing, just not for orgasms.

Final verdict? For now, inaccessible and not worth the money.

Between the operating difficulties, problems with the app, and the $200 price tag… this really isn’t an accessible device. It makes me sad because I feel like there is a lot of potential in this idea. That said, I know Mystery Vibe has done a few iterations of this device so far. My hope is that they can make this a little more accessible by:

  • adjusting the bending technique
  • tweaking the intensity/mode controls on the device
  • improving the app

Ideally, the price would go down, too – but, with these improvements, I might be able to to have a mind-blowing orgasm… in which case, price becomes slightly less important to me. Still, I generally would never spend this much on a sex toy because 1) I’m self-employed, 2) I’m disabled and have a ton of medical bills, and, 3) that’s a lot of money I could spend on other things.

In the future, it’s possible that this will become more accessible and actually give me an orgasm. For now, though, it’s a hard pass.