Author: Grayson Schultz

The Lowdown on Gender

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

In The 411 on Sexual Orientation, we talked about the different sexual orientations that there are out there. Today, we’re going to talk about gender identity.

This is a little more difficult for people to wrap their heads around. I personally think this is because 1) it doesn’t always involve our sex lives, and, 2) it is a newer concept. I’m generally happy to answer questions, but I find the bulk of the questions on gender identity coming from people who think I am Google or who just don’t know how to evaluate sources.

It is never okay to ask someone to explain their gender identity to you on the regular. This is a microaggression and annoying as all get out. It also really isn’t your business. You have no right to know what genitalia people possess, either that they were born with or acquired later in life.

Gender binary: this is the idea that we are all either males or females as (usually) designated at birth – and it is a social construct, especially with many ancient cultures having had multiple gender identities (third gender, two-spirit in some Native American communities, etc)

Agender: someone who does not feel as though they fit into any part of the gender binary or into additional gender terms below; without gender

Androgynous: someone who expresses both stereotypical masculine and feminine gender traits; can be used to describe people like Ruby Rose

Bigender: someone who traverses both traditional gender binaries; this is similar but different than genderqueer/genderfluid

Genderqueer/genderfluid: this is similar to the above, but really allows the person to identify how they feel each day and express that in whatever fashion they choose

Feminine/masculine presenting: this is how a person may present on a given day and can be applied to just about every gender identity; this is more about gender expression

Gender expression: this is how someone shows their gender

Passing: this term usually refers to how someone who is genderfluid/genderqueer/transgender appears; this may not be done out of choice, either; think someone who may be trans* in North Carolina having to look a certain way in order to utilize the bathroom due to HB2

Stealth: this term is usually used to refer to someone who is transgender but is perceived by others as cisgender

Transgender: someone who does not identify with the biological sex assigned to them at birth; many trans* people go through transitioning to another gender identity, but some do not – and they are just as valid as those who do

Trans/Trans*: this is a term that can be used in place of transgender because it can be more inclusive; there is some debate over whether or not having the asterisk is inclusive currently, but that originated from library search terms – trans* would give you results including transsexual, transgender, etc

Femme: someone who identifies as being more feminine

Cisgender: the gender identity you were given at birth lines up with how you feel about yourself today

Did I miss any gender identities? Add them in the comments! Please note that sexual orientation was discussed in a separate post.

rainbow flag with a white wheelchair overlay - 'the 411 on sexual orientation'

The 411 on Sexual Orientation

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Sexual orientation is, super simply put, what type of person turns you on. This can be romantically or sexually but is generally used in a sexual sense.

There are many sexual orientations. These can change over a period of time or with experiences. Many people start out feeling forced into being heterosexual because that is the perceived norm in American society.

Let’s start with terms you may be more familiar with. Keep in mind that this is without taking one’s gender identity into consideration so some of these terms may not necessarily be operating how they would in the real world. When I say the opposite sex or same sex, I mean it as if this may be operating in a more gender binary world. Again, this is not reality, so please keep this in mind.

Heterosexual (straight): attracted to members of the ‘opposite’ sex (i.e., a man who is sexually attracted to women)

Homosexual (androsexual, gay): attracted to members of the same sex (i.e., men seeking men)

Lesbian: generally used for women or non-binary people who identify as attracted to women

Bisexual: the well-known term to say one is attracted to two or more genders

Pansexual: similarly to bisexual, this term basically means “I am attracted to everyone, regardless of their or my gender identity”

Bicurious: someone who is curious about experiences with multiple genders

The difference between bisexual and pansexual is that bi takes gender into consideration while pan does not. That’s literally the only difference.

Ceterosexual: someone who is attracted to non-binary and gender nonconforming people
[note: skolio is another prefix for this, but it suggests some weirdness as it means bent or broken)

Asexual (ace): someone who is not generally interested in sexual relationships – this is a spectrum in and of itself, though, because this can range from those who are asexual and aromantic (see below) to those who are asexual but are demiromantic (see below)

Aromantic (aro): someone who is not interested in romantic relationships with others

Demiromantic/demisexual: someone who generally needs to have a very strong emotional connection to someone in order to feel attracted to them romantically (former) or sexually (latter)

Polyamorous: someone who is in a consensual non-monogamous relationship

Queer: this is a very broad term that can be used to describe the LGBTQ+ community; it can be used as a way to avoid labels that may not fit for long, too, since sexual orientations change

I’m sorry, but ‘ally’ is not a sexual orientation. Being an ally just means you’re a good person. You still have a separate orientation from that – generally straight.

Stay tuned for more!

Portland

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I am sitting in the Portland airport, waiting for my delayed plane and reflecting on the wonderful eight days I’ve had.

I got here on the 9th to spend time with Kate McCombs, one of my favorite people in the entire universe. We needed to hang out again so badly. We were able to run a couple of her Tea and Empathy workshops while I was in town, which was the main point of popping out here.

The trip turned into so much more, though.

Kate is so much my person. She and I found each other because of Chronic Sex. She loves to tell people about how I would be a persona someone would create to catfish her – because we are so damn similar. It’s not often you find someone interested in Star Trek, feminism, sexual expression and freedoms, the ethics of everyday life, loving on animals, platonic cuddling, communication and empathy skills, and so much more.

Thanks to her, I even found a non-fruity tea I like.

We got to spend time with Stella Harris and JoEllen Notte, watch Dan Savage from afar, and Kate introduced me to Dirty Lola of Sex Ed a Go Go. JoEllen and Lola both knew who I was and it was such a surreal feeling.

Okay, breathe, Kirsten. These world-famous people know who you are and what you do. It’s totally fine.

I basically had the most amazing time.

PS: You can read more about the personal side to my visit over at Not Standing Still’s Disease. I tried pot for the first time while here and I talk a little more over there about that experience.

I really feel like I’m coming into my own, growing as a force that traverses both the chronic illness/disability and sexuality communities. After this trip, I feel very grounded and determined.

This is what I want to do with my life.

Urgent: Disabled Queer Women or Non-Binary Peeps!

Urgent: Disabled Queer Women or Non-Binary Peeps!

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Dear ones,

Our friend Carrie Wade, an amazing writer for Autostraddle, is looking to gather some information on the love in our lives for an upcoming piece on the site.

If you’re a disabled queer woman or non-binary person, please head over to Google Forms to join in on the fun. Note that there is a moveable light at the top of the form that becomes invisible quickly but can be still alarming.

Please do this by Monday, December 19.

Podcast Episode 6: Kira Lynne

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

 

Today, I talk to Kira Lynne – a life coach, registered professional counsellor, and psychotherapist in Canada. She deals with chronic illnesses herself and this is part of what pushes her in her work to help others.

Follow us on iTunes or SoundCloud for the most recent episodes, or make sure to find us via your favorite podcast app like Radio Public.

Some links discussed in the show:

Reid Mihalko’s Say What’s Not Being Said: Reid’s Formula for Difficult Conversations

Kira’s website

Kira’s book: Aches, Pains, and Love : A Guide to Dating and Relationships for Those with Chronic Pain and Illness

If you’re in the Portland, Oregon area, come join us for Tea & Empathy at 6 pm on Dec 14!

Please make sure to help fund us via iFundWomen.

a neon sign with the outline of the state of oregon with rudolph the reindeer on top containing the words portland oregon old town in neon - white overlay with black text 'chronic sex in pdx'

Chronic Sex in PDX

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Do you live in the PDX/Portland/Hillsboro area? I’ll be there soon!

I’m visiting as a part of spending time with my dear friend Kate McCombs. She is running some of her famous Tea & Empathy workshops while we’re there.

There is currently a workshop scheduled for the 14th. You can snag deets here. We are working on setting up a few others while we’re there, too!

It’s gonna be awesome.

I’ll be around from the 9th to the 17th. Want to hang out or meet up? Let me know!

white text over the bisexual flag (pink to purple to blue): sexuality and emotions - the ohio state university - must identify as bisexual - chronic sex

Study Alert: Sexuality and Emotions (bisexual)

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The Ohio State University is conducting a study on Sexuality and Emotions.

You must be an American, 18+, and identify as bisexual.

This two-hour study will ask you about your emotions, depression, and anxiety, while getting responses to visual input.

You will receive a $15 Amazon gift card for participation.

Have questions? Please reach out to Amelia Aldao, Ph.D., Assistant Professor in the OSU Psychology Department (email: aldao.1@osu.edu).

Ready to participate? Click here.

hip hip hooray it's chronic sex's birthday

Happy birthday to us!

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

It’s our birthday!

A year ago today, we held our first chat over on Twitter.

In reality, CS was already kinda happening. I created our private unsearchable Facebook group in the summer of 2015. The idea had been in my mind for a while, after seeing a presentation from Lucky Tomaszek of Tool Shed Toys.

The last year has been a whirlwind. I hoped that CS would grow as a chat. The website came at the beginning of this year and opened up a variety of new opportunities – so has the podcast.

I’ve met so many people like myself, working for change. I’ve led sessions and participated at conferences to talk about sex and sexuality.

I’ve given away badass sexy things to some amazing people and gotten the opportunity to work with great companies. I’ll be doing my first sex toy review soon.

I’m preparing to head back to my home state to lead some workshops with the amazing Kate McCombs (who is my pal?!).

I can’t wait to see where the next year takes us. Thanks for a being a part of this ♥

World AIDS Day

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Today, December 1, is World Aids Day.

There is so much to share about AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes it, but let’s start with the basics.

First things first, our chat questions tonight will be all about World AIDS Day.

HIV stands for Human Immunodeficiency Virus. What it does is it attacks the CD4 T cells that helps the immune system protect you.

AIDS stands for Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. This happens when the amount of your CD4 T cells drop below 200 cells per cubic millimeter of blood OR if you have what is called an opportunistic infection.

The CDC estimates that 1.2 million people are currently living with HIV in the United States. Perhaps the scarier thing is that roughly 1 in 8 don’t even know they’re carrying the virus.

Again, according to the CDC, new infections are occurring most often in men who have sex with men (all races), African-American heterosexual women, and Latinx. Transgender people also have higher infection rates, with an average 28% infection rate in transgender women in 2008. The Southern US has the highest infection rate followed by the Northeast and Midwest.

What are ways you can be exposed to HIV?

  • Blood
  • Cum or pre-cum
  • Anal fluids
  • Vaginal fluids
  • Breast milk

In order to really be exposed, though, these fluids would need to come into contact with damaged tissue, mucous membranes, or pop right on into your bloodstream.

The only way to know if you have HIV or AIDS is to get tested, especially because symptoms include things like swollen lymph nodes, rash, fever, fatigue and other issues typical of basically every stinking disease or virus ever.

There are ways of preventing transmission of the HIV virus. Pre-exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) is meant to be taken as a daily pill by those in high-risk exposure situations such as being the partner to a person with HIV/AIDS. Obviously, this is used in combination with sexual barriers like condoms as well as testing every three months or so.

There is also post-exposure prophylaxis in case of emergencies. This consists of taking antiretroviral medications as soon as possible after exposure (within 72 hours). The person has to take this medication 1-2 times daily for a month and, even then, it’s not a guarantee for preventing the virus.

yellow text on a grey-brown background: nearly 2 in 5 people don't realise HIV can be passed on through heterosexual sex' from the world aids day/ national aids trust in the uk
Courtesy of worldaidsday.org

There is a lack of education on HIV/AIDS. In the early 1990s, in my childhood, it was incredibly important to talk about HIV/AIDS. Real treatments were coming out, the AIDS quilt was constantly being expanded, and speakers came to schools to correct misconceptions about the virus. By the mid-1990s, we had things like Rent, Philadelphia, And the Band Played On, and The Cure. Angels in America came in the early 2000s and reignited conversations about the handling of the epidemic, stigmas, and the need to educate others.

Abstinence-only education only served to combat this by eliminating real conversations like ways people could protect themselves and the need to get tested. Many people, especially in the 13-24 age range, don’t realize that getting tested is something they should do.

Tests are incredibly quick, simple, and can be done with a cheek swab or a finger prick. Testing is also confidential.

Others still don’t have access to testing resources. One of the biggest problems there is the misconception highlighted by the GOP (sorry, pals) that Planned Parenthood only does abortions. In fact, they are one of the biggest testing facilities for ALL sexually transmitted infections and many forms of cancer.

yellow text on grey-brown background that says 'HIV treatment has advanced tremendously; public attitudes are lagging behind' from the National AIDS Trust from the UK
Courtesy of www.worldaidsday.org

There is a major issue with stigma. People don’t get tested, often, because they think it’s a ‘gay men’ disease. Many people still don’t understand that everyone, regardless of whom they have sex or share sexual activities with, can get HIV/AIDS. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, lesbian, bi/pansexual, transgender, queer, etc., you can still be exposed to and get HIV.

One of the biggest problems facing the HIV-positive/AIDS population is access to healthcare. Even those who can afford to see their physicians may not be able to afford the medications. After all, let’s not forget Martin Shkreli and his price-hiking of Daraprim, a drug used by HIV/AIDS patients as well as those dealing with transplants, malaria, and a type of parasitic infection called toxoplasmosis.

If you have HIV/AIDS – or are a loved one/caregiver of someone who does – here are some important links for you:

Please visit this site to find a testing location near you or talk to your doctor.

To learn more about HIV, AIDS, and treatments: