Answering Your Questions #4

You have questions – I (sometimes) have answers.

two genderqueer people talk on a couch

S writes,

I don’t wanna seem mean because I love my husband. The problem: I married him knowing he had a small penis. The issue is a few years ago, he had a groin injury that has greatly reduced his size. It’s actually a turn off seeing him naked because there is nothing there. I can’t even feel if he goes in or not and most the time he can’t penatrate me because it’s so short and just pops in and out. Don’t wanna seem cruel but sex is an important part of a relationship and the only penetration I’ve had in 3 years is when he puts on a hollow strap on. I showed a pic to my very best friend I trust and she couldn’t believe it. Said she didn’t think it was possible for a man in shape like my husband to be that small. Really need advice on what I can or should do please.

This isn’t something that I’m really equipped to help with, though. I would strongly suggest reaching out to a sex therapist and discussing the issue with them. They can help you navigate what this might mean for your relationship with your partner and even help the two of you communicate around this.

I also want to say that it was not okay for you to show a photo of your husband’s penis to someone without his consent. I would strongly suggest that you share with him that you did so and apologize. While sex can be a healthy part of a relationship, it’s even more important to have trust in your partner – and to be honest if you’ve broken that trust.

one person looking at another as they look at their phone

W asks,

The days ago I had my first sexual intercourse. We did use condoms. Today when I woke up and went to the bathroom it felt like beginning of some infection down there and when I was wiping something like a bloody small (1mm maybe?) skin-tag like thing came out of my vaginal area. I started feeling like fainting as well. What could be the reason to that? And what is that small thingy?

Often when people begin having sex, it can take a while for the body to adjust to some of the sensations. If you’re not used to utilizing lubrication, you may want to start as it can help with that feeling. Here are a few articles to consider:

It could also be irritation as a reaction to the condoms, so check to see if you have a latex allergy.

As far as the skin tag-like thing, it’s likely a part of your hymen.

If things haven’t calmed down, I would suggest looking into seeing a medical provider.

photo of two people touch hands against one of their thighs - photo has been edited to look like its on a vhs

K asks,

The one thing that distracts me when I am trying to be intimate is my worry of how I feel for my partner. When it comes to penetration I always worry that I’m not tight enough. My ex’s last words to me was that i was really loose. It’s been eating me alive and ruining my sex life.

I’m really sorry that your ex made you feel that way. There is no one way to tell if someone is ‘tight’ enough – and even then, being ‘tight’ isn’t realistic. Vaginas are meant to expand and contract.
The time to worry about being ‘loose’ is actually if you are struggling with incontinence like leaking urine when you laugh, sneeze, etc. And you can actually have ‘too tight’ of a vagina. As someone who has been there, it’s the single most painful thing I’ve been through – surgeries included.
You could always ask your primary care provider or OB/GYN about seeing a pelvic floor therapist for evaluation if you’re concerned or, again, experiencing incontinence. Otherwise, your vagina is likely fine. If you’re concerned about how your partner might feel, share those feelings with them. It’s absolutely more than fine to do that – and you should. A therapist can likely help you reframe thoughts in order to share them.

photo of two people about to kiss with rosy filter

T asks,

I want to have sex with my ex. We have 3 boys together. It’s only been about 5 months and neither of us have seen or been seeing anyone. I know she likes spontaneous sex but sometimes it’s better to ask. She takes our boys to school then is home untill she has to pick them up. I’m pretty sure she wants to do what I’m asking is should I just show up or should I ask?

Always ask. Always. You also should be honest with her about why you’re interested in this – is this just for sex? Is it because you miss her? Honesty is going to be key to having any kind of relationship with her moving forward, even if there’s no sex at all.

two trans masc people at a bar, smiling at each other - filter applied to look older

M asks,

Why do i always get a feeling like I have to pee after i almost finish. Is this blue balls for girls? I don’t have a UTI i got tested

Without being a medical provider and examining you, I can’t say. Please visit a medical provider or Planned Parenthood for evaluation.

two people have a tense conversation on the couch - filter applied puts most things in black and white except a few things in the background

B asks,

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. Our relationship has always been on emotional side as sex is not accepted in our culture before marriage at all. We don’t even talk about it at all. We have tried couple of times and its very painful for me and not fun at all… We try and we give up. We are thinking about having a baby soon, and I want this experience to be fun and exciting.

First off, I would highly suggest reaching out to a medical provider or a sex therapist for an evaluation. You could be dealing with something medical that I’m not able to treat since I am not a healthcare provider. They can also help you find a way to deal with any body image issues you may also be having.

Secondly, in order to share with your partner what you’re dealing with and what you might rather be feeling, exploring some things is going to be key. If you have alone time, open up an incognito window and look into porn sites. You may want to start with something that is more audio-based first if it makes you feel more comfortable. Feel Good Filth (SpotifyPatreonTwitterYouTubeRedditwebsite) is a great audio performer to start with. Figure out what kind of wording or scenarios turn you on. Then move to porn that’s more visual. Reddit boards have a lot of porn and you can easily make an account without much information on it to explore. You’re also going to need to explore which kinds of sensations your body responds to or that you find sexy. One reason you may be having pain with sexual activity is if you’re not very turned on. Your body likely isn’t going to produce as much lubrication then, meaning the sex won’t feel great. Look into purchasing lubrication like Uberlube as well.

Thirdly, you’re going to have to talk about sex with your partner at some point – even if it’s to say you’re in the mood or not in the mood, etc. Try to think about ways you can practice this. A therapist can help you do this as well – and help you find culturally competent resources to help you. If you’re in the US, Inclusive Therapists is a great way to find someone who will ‘get’ you.

 

photo of two people hold hands - photo has been edited to look like its old

A asks,

I’ve never had sex with a man but I’ve already used sex toys (e.g. dildo). My question is: am I still a virgin? Or does it make me not a virgin anymore?

Virginity is a concept and not a fact. That said, the use of toys doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be a virgin anymore.

two people snuggling in bed while drinking coffee

Takeaways

After answering a number of questions over the last year or so where I don’t have the answers, I really need to stress that y’all need to start communicating with your sexual partners more. Please.

I love answering questions and being able to help y’all, but some of these things I can’t even begin to address because I’m not your sexual partner.

bernie sanders - "i am once again ask for you to talk to your partners about your sex lives instead of asking a stranger"

IG Live Wed. 1/19 on Trans, Non-Binary & Gender Non-Conforming Health, Advocacy & Allyship

You’re invited to a HealtheVoices Instagram Live on Trans, Non-Binary & Gender Non-Conforming Health, Advocacy & Allyship this Wednesday, January 19 at 4 p.m. ET/ 1 p.m. PT!

Tune in for a vial conversation with host Mychelle Williams, LPC, NCC (she/they) and expert activists La’Mia Aiken-Medina (she/her), Gia Love (she/her), and Julian Gavino (he/him) on the experiences and challenges transgender, nonbinary and gender non-conforming individuals face in pursuit of health and wellness, including: medical bias and discrimination; accessing quality and comprehensive healthcare; and mental health and wellbeing. The discussion will also cover key tenants of advocacy and allyship in support of these communities.

This HealtheVoices Chat is presented by the DEAI Task Force. Learn more here

Tap this post to receive a reminder when the event starts. You can also add this to your Google Calendar by clicking here.

My Favorite Things in 2021

my favorite things in 2021

Every year, I try to write up something about all of the things I did throughout the year. It’s always been a great way for me to reflect and sit with the fact that I do actually do a ton of stuff, even when I don’t feel like that’s true. While that post goes on my other site, I wanted to try something new here and highlight my favorite things of 2021.

 

Music

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m constantly singing, humming, dancing, etc. It’s part of why I’ve done burlesque. Here’s a list of songs I listened to a lot this year:

 

 

Other Favorites

I will admit that I don't always have as much time - or the attention span - for reading as I'd like. Since this is the first year I'm doing this, these are books I've read in the last few years that I've adored.

  • A Disability History of the United States by Kim E Nielsen
  • Alif The Unseen by Wilson G. Willow
  • Building Open Relationships: Your hands-on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond! by Dr. Liz Powell
  • Conquer Me: Girl-to-Girl Wisdom About Fulfilling Your Submissive Desires by Kacie Cunningham
  • Crip Theory: Cultural Signs of Queerness and Disability by Robert McRuer
  • Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace by Miroslav Volf
  • How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankel
  • Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships by Meg-John Barker
  • Sex-Interrupted: Igniting Intimacy While Living With Illness or Disability by Iris Zink NP and Jenny Palter (featuring yours truly as an appendix writer)
  • Sophie’s World: A Novel About the History of Philosophy by Jostein Gaarder
  • The Body Is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor
  • The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
  • The President is a Sick Man: Wherein the Supposedly Virtuous Grover Cleveland Survives a Secret Surgery At Sea and Vilifies the Courageous Newspaperman Who Dared Expose the Truth by Matthew Algeo

  • Crip Kinship by Shayda Kafai
  • Nothing But Blackened Teeth by Cassandra Khaw
  • The Care We Dream of, edited by Zena Sharman
  • The Transgender Issue by Shon Faye
  • We Do This 'Til We Free Us: Abolitionist Organizing and Transforming Justice by Mariame Kaba
  • What Fresh Hell Is This? by Heather Corinna

Like the above, these are works that impacted me this year.

 

Feel free to share your favorites in the comments!

Invisible Project Feature

invisible project feature

Last year, I was lucky enough to write up a piece for the Invisible Project, part of the US Pain Foundation. I had interviewed my former primary care doctor and three amazing people. I was really proud of that piece!

Naturally, when Invisible reached out to ask to do a feature on me this year, I jumped at the chance.

Click here to read.

PS: Did you know you can get free copies of the Invisible Project magazine? I have a handful at my house, too, that I’d be happy to sign and send. Just ask!

In Celebration of bell hooks

in celebration of bell hooks - “Love empowers us to live fully and die well. Death becomes, then, not an end to life but a part of living.”

bell hooks died this week. She was a noted author, professor, activist, and mind changer.

Born in Kentucky in 1952, Gloria Jean Watkins attended Stanford, the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and the University of California-Santa Cruz. She took on her pen name after her grandmother Bell Blair Hooks.

Many people wonder why hooks is always spelled in the lowercase. When asked about this, she said:

“When the feminist movement was at its zenith in the late ‘60s and early ’70s, there was a lot of moving away from the idea of the person. It was: let’s talk about the ideas behind the work, and the people matter less… It was kind of a gimmicky thing, but lots of feminist women were doing it.”

So, if you see people capitalizing her pen name, remind them that isn’t what she wanted.

 

Who bell Was to Me

I hate to say that I only recently began to dig more into bell’s work. This week, while working, I’ve been listening to conversations and her work, though.

Through listening to bell, I’ve found so many of my own viewpoints validated and affirmed. Before, I often felt like I was alone and without as much community in the way I view love, justice, and how we throw off oppression. One of the videos that I share below is her and Cornel West talking. I wouldn’t have ever said that my politics aligned with hooks and West on my own accord, especially as a white person. That said, I found my people in that video, in their work.

I wish that I had been in a space to dig into this work sooner. That said, I’m so glad that I’m finally here.

 

Articles About bell

 

Read bell’s Works

Since so many of these links are PDFs, I’ve marked those that are not with an asterisk (*).

 

My Favorite bell hooks Quotes

On Love
  • “A generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming. In the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment. This is the most precious gift true love offers – the experience of knowing we always belong.”
  • “Love is an action, never simply a feeling.”
  • “To think of actions shaping feelings is one way we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted assumptions… If we were constantly remembering that love is as love does, we would not use the word in a manner that devalues and degrades its meaning.”
  • “But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”
  • “Since loving is about knowing, we have more meaningful love relationships when we know each other and it takes time to know each other.”
  • “Everywhere we learn that love is important, and yet we are bombarded by its failure….We still believe in love’s promise.”
  • “The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.”
  • “To be loving is to be open to grief. to be touched by sorrow, even sorrow that is unending. we need not contain grief when we use it as a means to intensify our love for the dead and dying, for those who remain alive.”
  • “Love empowers us to live fully and die well. Death becomes, then, not an end to life but a part of living.”
  • “To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”
  • “Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust.”
  • “The wounded heart learns self-love by first overcoming low self-esteem.”
  • “Choosing to be honest is the first step in the process of love. There is no practitioner of love who deceives. Once the choice has been made to be honest, then the next step on love’s path is communication.”
  • “Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment…’dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love — which is to transform us.’ Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling.”
  • “Schools for love do not exist. Everyone assumes that we will know how to love instinctively. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we still accept that the family is the primary school for love. Those of us who do not learn how to love among family are expected to experience love in romantic relationships. However, this love often eludes us.”
  • “The practice of love offers no place of safety. We risk loss, hurt, pain. We risk being acted upon by forces outside our control.”
  • “If only one party in the relationship is working to create love, to create the space of emotional connection, the dominator model remains in place and the relationship just becomes a site for continuous power struggle.”
  • “The practice of love is the most powerful antidote to the politics of domination.”
  • “One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am. It is silly, isn’t it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. This was a moment when the maxim ‘You can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself’ made clear sense. And I add, ‘Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.’ “
  • “In an ideal world we would all learn in childhood to love ourselves. We would grow, being secure in our worth and value, spreading love wherever we went, letting our light shine. If we did not learn self-love in our youth, there is still hope. The light of love is always in us, no matter how cold the flame. It is always present, waiting for the spark to ignite, waiting for the heart to awaken and call us back to the first memory of being the life force inside a dark place waiting to be born – waiting to see the light.”
  • “When we face pain in relationships our first response is often to sever bonds rather than to maintain commitment.”
  • “Fundamentally, to begin the practice of love we must slow down and be still enough to bear witness in the present moment. If we accept that love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust, we can then be guided by this understanding. We can use these skillful means as a map in our daily life to determine right action.”
  • “When we commit to love in our daily life, habits are shattered. We are necessarily working to end domination. Because we no longer are playing by the safe rules of the status quo, rules that if we obey guarantee us a specific outcome, love moves us to a new ground of being. This movement is what most people fear.”
  • “Before I die in this world I want to have a sense of what it is to love and be loved… many of us coming out of abusive settings have not had that. We don’t know what that looks like – and that’s the other thing. Sometimes you have to find out what something looks like and then you have to grieve that you don’t have it. And you may be getting old and you don’t have it. So you have to figure out, what is enough within that?”
  • “What does it mean to value a friend as you would value a partner? And that is again I think totally counter hegemonic because everything in our culture is constantly telling us that the partner is everything – finding the partner. And so not finding love but finding a partner. And, especially Black women, that’s when we get hooked up with so many people who treat us cruelly, abusively – because we’re trying to find a partner. We’re trying to validate that I’m worth something because I have found somebody and not that I am hoping to love. And then having to grieve when that love doesn’t come…”
  • “To me, all the work I do is built on a foundation of loving-kindness. Love illuminates matters.”
  • “Queer not as being about who you are having sex with, that can be a dimension of it, but queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”

 

On Justice
  • “There are times when we have to stand for justice. And there are times when, in standing for justice, we have to turn away from people that we would ordinarily maybe want to be with. And that is a difficult part of struggle.”
  • “Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion.”
  • “To build community requires vigilant awareness of the work we must continually do to undermine all the socialization that leads us to behave in ways that perpetuate domination.”
  • “When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us.”
  • “Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power — not because they don’t see it, but because they see it and they don’t want it to exist.”
  • “Only grown-ups think that the things children say come out of nowhere. We know they come from the deepest parts of ourselves.”
  • “What we do is more important than what we say or what we say we believe.”
  • “True resistance begins with people confronting pain…and wanting to do something to change it.”
  • “For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?”
  • “Definitions are vital starting points for the imagination. What we cannot imagine cannot come into being. A good definition marks our starting point and lets us know where we want to end up.”
  • “Dominator culture has tried to keep us all afraid, to make us choose safety instead of risk, sameness instead of diversity. Moving through that fear, finding out what connects us, reveling in our differences; this is the process that brings us closer, that gives us a world of shared values, of meaningful community.”
  • “All our silences in the face of racist assault are acts of complicity.”
  • “We can’t combat white supremacy unless we can teach people to love justice. You have to love justice more than your allegiance to your race, sexuality and gender. It is about justice.”
  • “The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”
  • “If I do not speak in a language that can be understood there is little chance for a dialogue.”
  • “Most folks don’t seem to want to believe that one can be struggling for justice and into nuanced cultural perspectives, aesthetics, and the vernacular at the same time.”
  • “It takes courage and critical vigilance not to conform. It takes knowing the rules of the game, how to play and win, as well as finding strategies to win without compromising in ways that violate or destroy the integrity of your being.”

 

On Writing and Her Work

  • “When I sit down to write I do not imagine my pen will be guided by anything other than the strength of my will, imagination and intellect. When the spirit moves into that writing, shaping its direction, that is for me a moment of pure mystery. It is a visitation of the sacred that I cannot call forth at will. I can only hope that it will come. This hope is grounded in my own experience that those moments when I feel my imagination and the words I put together to be touched by the presence of divine spirit, my writing is transformed.”
  • “Words have the power to heal wounds. Out of the mysterious place where words first come to be ‘made flesh’—that place which is all holiness—I am given the grace to work with words in a spirit of right livelihood which calls me to peace, reflection, and connectedness with communities of readers whom I may never know or see. Writing becomes then a way to embrace the mysterious, to walk with spirits, and an entry into the realm of the sacred.”
  • “Writing has been for me one of the ways to encounter the divine. As a discipline of mind and heart, working with words has become a spiritual practice.”
  • “I write with intensity, discipline and constancy, because this is the work that calls me—the vocation of my heart. The writing I do is always meant to serve as critical intervention, as resistance. Balancing the desire to have work meaningfully touch relevant issues without, as well as always reflect artistic expression and integrity within, is not an easy task. While much of my cultural criticism challenges representations that reinforce existing structures of domination, it also offers new and different representations. The work then is always part of our struggle for liberation.”

 

Watch bell Speak

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top Surgery Almost Killed Me (and I wouldn’t change a thing)

Content note: surgery, death

top surgery almost killed me (and I wouldn't change a thing) - photo of a mast cell releasing histamine

If you follow my personal Twitter account, you know that I had masculinizing top surgery on July 6, 2021. While I’ve shared a good amount there about my journey, I have wanted to write up a more detailed post about this for a while. Mortality isn’t something that I have handled super well historically, though, so it’s taken longer for me to get here than I’d hoped.

Preparing for Surgery

MCAS

You may know that one of the conditions I deal with is called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS). Mast cells, like the one in the photo above, are:

allergy cells responsible for immediate allergic reactions. They cause allergic symptoms by releasing products called “mediators” stored inside them or made by them. In allergic reactions, this release occurs when the allergy antibody IgE, which is present on the mast cell surfaces, binds to proteins that cause allergies, called allergens. This triggering is called activation, and the release of these mediators is called degranulation.

People can have too many mast cells or these cells can be wonky and release IgE when they shouldn’t. For those of us with MCAS, we get hit with symptoms (up to anaphylaxis) in response to exposure to everyday things that others aren’t allergic to.

MCAS symptoms usually include things like:

  • migraine, headache, brain fog, cognitive dysfunction
  • anxiety, panic attacks, depression, feeling dread, irritation, mood swings
  • abdominal cramps, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, bloating, acid reflux, food moving too quickly through you (dumping syndrome)
  • high pulse/tachycardia, palpitations, high or low blood pressure, syncope (passing out, fainting) or nearly doing so, being lightheaded or dizzy
  • flushing (esp of the face, neck, chest), hives, itching
  • itchy nose, congestion, post-nasal drip
  • throat itching, swelling, hoarse voice, increased mucous production
  • wheezing, shortness of breath, chronic congestion, coughing, struggling to breathe deeply
  • stridor (a harsh vibrating sound when breathing that I liken to sounding like the thing from The Grudge)
  • blurry vision, eyes that struggle with being dry or red or watery or itchy
  • sensitivity to sounds, tinnitus
  • joint pain, chest pain, abdominal pain, deep bone pain
  • numb or tingly skin, persistent redness/white marks/welts after scratching the skin
  • fatigue, malaise
  • mouth burning, gum inflammation
  • struggling to control your body temperature (getting too hot or cold and being unable to cool down/warm up)
  • genital pain, swelling, pain when urinating (similar to a UTI), vaginal pain, discharge, having to pee often, uterine cramps, or bleeding

Other symptoms not related to an immediate MCAS attack include things like weight gain and retention (despite low-calorie intake and exercise), smelling things others can’t, and taking longer to heal wounds.

You can learn more about MCAS here.

 

My MCAS

I personally have reactions to things such as:

  • Cleaning chemicals, heavy fragrances
  • Red dye
  • Alcohol-based or fake sugars, such as aspartame
  • Stevia, ragweed
  • Tylenol, acetaminophen
  • Some forms of exercise
  • Skin friction or pressure
  • Bug bites
  • Stress, emotional distress
  • Changes in humidity, barometric pressure, temperature

I take medications like Singulair, Zyrtec, and Pepcid daily to help control my MCAS. If I have an MCAS event, it also tends to stir up both my asthma and migraines, too. I try really hard to avoid the triggers above. If I can’t, I have some other meds that I can use during an attack, including an epi-pen.

About a month prior to surgery, I met with my allergist. We talked over steps that I could take to mitigate the risks of an event during surgery. We decided on doubling a lot of the medications I’m on for a few weeks before and after. I went ahead and started on that the next day since we were about two weeks out.

During my pre-op appointment, I made sure to speak with my surgeon’s assistant again about the MCAS. I made sure they had the contact info for my allergist to confer with him if needed. Really, I did everything that I could to prepare for my MCAS possibly interacting with surgery. It was constantly on my mind, and I was so incredibly nervous. Even the other steps I needed to take prior to surgery felt weird to me.

 

Other Steps

I stocked up on the one brand of bandaids that I can use. Welly is, thankfully, available at Kroger, Target, and more. They’re also really cute!

We also stocked up on edibles. I just do not handle opiates well and didn’t want to take them after coming home.

My rheumatologist and I met. I had to stop my Kineret two weeks prior to surgery. I was supposed to hold off restarting until two weeks after. That wound up being longer due to healing time. We made sure that my rheumy and surgeon connected, too.

 

The Few Days Before

My partner drove from Ohio to Wisconsin, surprising me by showing up a day early at my door. I was able to take them to some of my favorite places around Madison. We also got to meet up with their aunt a few times. I absolutely adore her, so it really helped.

The day before surgery, friends that I hadn’t really seen during most of the pandemic came over. My friend Halley organized a meal train for me, too, meaning we didn’t have to worry about dinners. It was so nice to be able to see everyone, especially since I love being that person to friend-matchmake.

 

Pre-Surgery

I think the thing that made me the most nervous was getting ready that morning. The drive to the hospital felt so odd, and I was so very nervous.

Those nerves were calmed when the anesthesiologist scheduled to do my surgery came in. He asked me about MCAS and what my symptoms were. To my surprise, he knew about it! (That’s pretty rare, sadly.) He had been doing surgery on a patient years ago who had an MCAS reaction. Because of that, he dove in to learn everything he could about it. Now, he’s something of an expert on it in the anesthesiology world, even presenting on it at conferences. We talked through the steps he thought would be best: starting my IV and administering steroids beforehand and then completing two nebulizer treatments.

While I was still understandably nervous, I felt so relieved to have someone who got it setting up the plan. This anesthesiologist got pulled into another surgery but briefed the one who took his spot on MCAS as well as what to do.

I honestly think he saved my life by doing so.

 

In The OR

After saying goodbye to my partner, I was wheeled back to the operating room. As we got back there and I was transferred to the bed I’d be on for surgery, a nurse was holding my hand and telling me that I would be okay. The anesthesiologist asked me what I liked to do for fun. When I said hiking, he began to paint a beautiful picture for me.

“Imagine you’ve been hiking for a little bit. You’ve been in tree cover for a while, but you start to see a clearing ahead of you. Your feet get touched by the sun. As you move into the clearing, you feel the sun’s glow move further up your legs…”

And then I was out.

 

Post-Surgery

The next thing I hear is the voice of someone new. He’s on the phone, telling the person on the other end that someone who just finished surgery has to stay overnight. The patient had a reaction that included mast cell degranulation, bronchospasm, and desaturation along with a systolic blood pressure number over 250.

“Fuck,” my inner voice said. I immediately knew he was talking about me.

About to pass out again, I opened my eyes for two seconds to look down at my chest. “If I had this reaction,” I thought, “and they didn’t even chop off these titties, I’m asking for a refund on my mast cells.”

Thankfully, I saw a flat chest wrapped in a post-operative binder.

undergown photo of a flat chest in a post op binder

 

Wait, What Does That All Mean?

Intubation is the process where OR staff insert a tube into the throat to help someone breathe during surgery. As they began to do this, my mast cells began having a reaction to general anesthesia (GA).

Mast cell degranulating
Holdsworth SR, Summers SA. Role of mast cells in progressive renal diseases. J Am Soc Nephrol. 2008;19(12):2254-2261. doi:10.1681/ASN.2008010015

To make a long story short, my mast cells saw GA as a threat and began to overreact. This means that they began to release the various chemicals above into the body. Because of this degranulation, I began to have an asthma attack at a pretty inopportune time. The amount of oxygen in my blood dropped significantly, which is called desaturation.

a chart explaining systolic and diastolic blood pressure
From VeryWell

My systolic blood pressure began to climb into the 260s. That means that I was sent into a hypertensive crisis. These kinds of events can easily lead to heart attack, stroke, organ damage, and more. I want to note that I normally do not have issues with high blood pressure. In fact, with POTS I usually have a lower blood pressure than I should. Mast cell activation, though, can cause these reactions when it occurs in POTS patients especially.

It’s also fun to point out the flood of interleukin 1 into my body. When I’m on Kineret, I don’t experience as much additional swelling as that medication blocks interleukin 1 from binding with IL-1 receptors. When I haven’t been on it for two weeks, though, it can’t do that. More swelling generally means a longer recovery time.

 

Oh

Yeah, this was not awesome.

I woke up here and there a few times in the recovery area before I got taken up to a room. In fact, I was about to pass out again before we got going. The person tending to me, though, pointed out that my partner was on the other side of the door. I managed to make myself stay awake and got to see them as the doors opened.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been so relieved.

a photo of me in a hospital bed with writing on it that says "i lived bitch"
My partner is so creative

My overnight stay in the hospital went mostly fine. The pharmacist on staff was upset I brought my meds in an organizer instead of their bottles. The hospital also wouldn’t let my partner stay with me overnight. While it sucked, I’m also really glad they were able to go get a good night’s sleep in a real bed.

July 7 top off

Those yellow knobs over my nipples above stayed on for about a week. They help protect the nipnop and encourage grafting, since my nipnop had to be resized.

The next morning, my surgeon came in to talk about what happened. She warned me against having another surgery, especially because those reactions often increase with exposure. As much as that sucks, I’m also more than fine never electing to do that again.

 

Healing

The next few days are a blur of trying to watch YouTube videos or shows with my partner but falling asleep instead. I think it only happened twice where I thought I was okay to wait to take an edible, only to learn I was wrong. It’s not a mistake I like to make.

Friends bringing over dinner and having leftovers during this time were so incredibly helpful. Halley even learned how to help with drains so that she could assist here and there once my partner had to leave. Having my partner around helped so much. Their mom even texted me T-rex pictures to remind me to not push myself.

I’m really so lucky to have amazing people in my life.

Healing took longer than anticipated. The drains sucked so much, especially once the holes around them started to close. We had to measure their output every morning and night.

the bulb of the drain filled with grossness

Once I wasn’t gooping out as much gross goo or blood clots, I was able to get them taken out. That made a huge difference in my pain levels.

mirror selfie august 2 2021 post shower

By August 2, most of the post-op tape had come off. I was able to start wearing real shirts again, too!

Aug 4 mirror selfie in a henley

I wasn’t able to before due to limitations in arm movement. Part of masculinizing top surgery often includes some liposuction up into the arms to eliminate that extra chub we have when wearing bras. Between that and my actual chest needing to heal, I was restricted in movement for about a month.

By the time I was driving to move to Ohio in mid-August, I even drove a little with my shirt off!

aug 15 driving shirtless

I still do get some zapping sensations from the nerves reconnecting. It’s uncomfortable, but not always painful exactly.

The Fascia Release for Top Surgery course that Brooklyn Strength does has been amazingly helpful to work on scar tissue. Between that and moisturizing with aloe spray, my chest looks pretty dang good today.

Dec 3 chest shot

I’m incredibly happy with my chest. Between that and my testosterone levels, I’m beginning to really and truly see myself. I like my body and my personality, something I don’t know that I could have ever said before.

While I wish that I didn’t have to deal with facing my mortality, I think this all helped me process a lot around my fear of death. That’s something that I’m still unpacking, to be honest. I probably will be for a long time. I know how to deal with uncertainty and grey areas now on top of how to actually rest. That will always feel weird to me, I think.

My sister told me that I was more ‘me’ after I started testosterone. All I can think about is how much more ‘me’ I am now with this flat chest, living in Ohio after moving for love.

 

Things I Found Helpful

Avoid the Red Bucket But Not The Salvation Army as a Whole

Content note: mentions of anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes from the Salvation Army as well as abuse with details in links

Avoid the Red Bucket But Not The Salvation Army as a Whole

Now that folks know the history around the Salvation Army being anti-LGBTQ+, many are requesting an all-out boycott. I used to be one of those folks.

It can be hard not to be with the wild stories of exclusion and discrimination.

However, completely ditching SA is problematic, too – and not just because individual chapters can be incredibly LGBTQ+ affirming and friendly.

Who are you and what did you do with Grayson?

I’m still me, I promise! I’m just covered in more hair. I’ve done some growth and gotten more comfortable with gray areas. On top of that, I’ve also learned a lot more about justice and worked to unpack a lot of binary thinking. Don’t worry – the blacklist still exists. It just also includes a caution section, where SA now lives.

Here’s the issue: mainstream LGBTQ+ culture contains a lot of exclusionary thinking, especially classism and location privilege. The ideas of yeeting an organization and shaming those who need to use it are rooted in those ideals. Some think that people can just get help from another organization, that more organizations exist that are LGBTQ+ friendly in every space. The reality is that, in many rural places, the options for our community accessing assistance are slim.

Organizations like the Salvation Army and Goodwill may be the only options many people have.

I recently moved to Ohio, to one of the Appalachian counties. There are very few options for seeking help or second-hand goods, especially with how many people are struggling financially due to the pandemic. Around 20% of the LGBTQ+ community lives in rural areas, so this isn’t a small number.

“Well, Grayson, what should we do then?”

For starters, we can try to not shit all over people who need to access services via SA, Goodwill, or other majorly problematic organizations.

When we use shame to tell folks that helping the Salvation Army harms queer and trans folks, we’re also overlooking those that they help. In fact, using shame can cause lasting emotional harm. We know that shunning and shaming people doesn’t work to bring about change.

The only way I’d entertain this idea of talking down these organizations around those who needed assistance is if you’re willing to personally help pay for goods and services or organize a mutual aid effort.

Would I give money to the Salvation Army?

No. Among other issues, we can’t control where that money might go. It isn’t tracked the same way as other non-profits because it’s a religious organization.

Living in Appalachia now, though, I would absolutely take items to their donation centers. I might not be able to ensure that the Salvation Army treats everyone seeking help from them well. What I can do is make sure that there are be LGBTQ+ friendly options for clothing, books, etc.

This is hard!

I know. Our brains don’t like nuance. We want to see things in black and white, good and evil. The reality is that the world is infinitely complicated.

Something that can help is Meg-John Barker’s idea of the plural self. One of the ways I often explain this to folks is loathing someone like R. Kelly for the harm that he’s caused… and then also having a part of you that gets jazzed to hear the remix to Ignition for the first five seconds.

Someone pointing out that things aren’t that way might take a while to set in. It did for me. I’ll be forever grateful to my friends Paige Lauren and Remy Orcutt for helping me break out of this way of thinking.

All I ask for and hope is that we can start thinking through these things critically – especially for those of you who love to use the word ‘intersectional’ in your bios.

Looking for Organizations to Donate to?

2021 Care Rationing Survey

2021 Care Rationing Survey - #NoBodyIsDispoable Fat Legal Advocacy, Rights, & Education Project - Have you struggled with or delayed getting medical care during the pandemic? Are you a provider concerned about care rationing at your organization? Please take this survey.

The #NoBodyIsDisposable Coalition and the Fat Legal Advocacy, Rights, & Education Project have created a short survey to hear from people who are being denied medical care because of limited medical resources. Responses will be used to help advocate for fair medical treatment.

This survey was created to help gather the stories of folks who are having trouble getting medical care during COVID. Stories will be shared to create awareness and support advocacy. (Respondents can choose whether or not to share anonymously.)

Who should take the survey?

Please take the survey if you or someone you know had a hard time getting medical treatment during COVID due to limited medical personnel and supplies/equipment shortages and you suspect part or all of the reason you did not receive necessary care was based on discrimination including but not limited to your weight, disability, race, age, or other factors.

Take the survey if you have been delaying necessary medical care because you worry if you do get COVID that you will be deprioritized for life-saving medical treatment based on your weight, disability, race, age, or other factors.

Take the survey if you work at a health care organization and have concerns about the care rationing policy, or how it is implemented.

Link to the Survey

The survey is available in English and Spanish.

Please help spread the word. They will be reviewing answers on an ongoing basis.

T Files: 21 Months In

T files: 21 months in & other updates - chronic sex - Gray as a toddler smiling; Gray posing in a white button-up and pinstripe vest; Gray with bleached blonde hair blowing a gum bubble; Gray in a wedding dress with long reddish hair holding flowers; Gray from the nose (ish) up with tall and yet short blue hair; Gray in his room smiling with facial hair post-top surgery

 

It’s been a hot minute since I shared updates on my life in general, but especially on the testosterone front. So, let’s fix that.

 

Physical Changes

Here’s the photo posted in that initial update:

collage of 4 pics of me over 4 months

I’ve pulled photos taken since I took the ones above into a Google Drive folder. Here are some highlights:

 

collage from Aug 2020 to Jan 2021 showing facial hair growth progression in 3 photos
Facial hair change from Aug 2020 to Jan 2021
mirror selfie
March 2021
mirror selfie
April 2021
selfie showing facial hair + fresh haircut
May 2021
bathroom mirror selfie showing facial hair
June 2021

I had top surgery on July 6, 2021. I’ll do a separate write-up for that, but please note that you’ll see binders and some recovery photos in the folder as well as below.

july 16 2021 compared with march 2014 photo

grayson laying down in bed with post op binder on and copious facial hair
July 2021
left forearm with line showing where hair used to stop
October 2021, showing where hair used to stop
left leg up on bathtub with lots of leg hair
November 2021
bathroom mirror selfie showing back hair
November 2021

As you can see, I have grown a lot more body hair. I have to trim my facial hair every couple of weeks to keep it from getting wild. I need a haircut badly, too, but that will come at the end of the week I think. Since I inject my testosterone into my thighs, they’re little forests at this point.

The bulk of these changes have been incredibly affirming. When I catch myself in the mirror as I walk by, I see a dude and not someone stuck in the wrong body. I see myself as the cute boy I imagined at age 12, someone that traverses the feminine and masculine and yet is still a boy.

I continue to get stronger, although I’m not actively trying to do so. It takes a lot less effort to do some things and I literally don’t know my own strength. I accidentally broke a walkway lamp trying to put it in the ground the other day. I keep closing soda bottles far too tightly to loosen them without some sort of grip – and other people like my fairly strong partner need that help, too!

My pain levels are generally okay now. They were a little rough for a while there, but then I discovered that the Ritalin I’m now on for the ADHD diagnosis I finally got in May also causes an uptick in muscle pain. Rude, right? When I take my mid-day booster, I make sure to take an extra NSAID or even a muscle relaxer, depending on what my pain level was like already. It’s helped a lot. Now that my partner and I are settled into our new place, I’ll also be able to reestablish my physical routines like PT and dancing which will also help a lot.

My curves have changed quite a bit, though that was partially helped by top surgery.

I still haven’t really run into any issues with acne. While I do have some more pimples, I also have more ingrown hairs because I have more hair overall.

 

More updates are below the fold, including some NSFW ones.

Continue reading “T Files: 21 Months In”

Study: Mental Health Professional Shortage Areas

Did you know that 34% of Americans live in areas with a shortage of mental health providers?

One group is looking to study this in a project titled Understanding Pathways to Care For Individuals in Mental Health Professional Shortage Areas, with Investigators Dr. Munmun De Choudhury and Dr. Neha Kumar. This project is a joint research initiative between the SocWeb and TanDeM Labs at the Georgia Institute of Technology, along with various partners and stakeholders from community-based mental health advocacy organizations.

What Am I Being Asked To Do?
You are being asked to be a volunteer in a research study. This page will give you key information to help you decide if you would like to participate.  Your participation is voluntary. As you read, please feel free to ask any questions you may have about the research.

What Is This Study About and What Procedures Will You be Asked to Follow?
The purpose of this study is to better understand how people find access to mental healthcare. You will be asked survey questions about yourself, as well as the different resources you use to feel better when you are not feeling well.

If you decide to be in this study, you will be asked survey questions about where you live and how you have sought support for mental health concerns. You will not be compensated for participation in this study

Are There Any Risks or Discomforts you Might Experience by Being in this Study?
Survey questions deal with your mental health background and may touch on topics you do not want to discuss. You are not required to answer any questions and choose to not answer and move to a different question or choose to stop participating in the study at any time.

What Are the Reasons You Might Want to Volunteer For This Study?
You are not likely to benefit in any way from joining this study. However, your participation in this study may assist researchers in understanding how people in resource-limited areas find access to mental healthcare.

Study link

Questions about the Study
If you have any questions about the study, please reach out to Sachin Pendse.