The Gender Census is an annual survey collecting data about the language we use around gender, particularly gender outside of the binary.
The highlights for me were that most people taking the survey were nonbinary, preferred no title at all (as opposed to Mr/Ms/Mx/etc), and utilize the singular they pronoun.
If you’d like to take a look, they have both the full and summary versions up.
SheVibe has long been one of the sex-positive shops that I adore. I mean, look at their logo on my sidebar – how many sex shops feature wheelchair users regularly? The answer is not many. SheVibe also takes steps to lift up voices. They listen if people have concerns and make changes where need be, too. Overall, they’re one of the best shops out there. Plus, their site is full of delightful art. As a comic lover, it’s always fun to visit and see what new drawings are up.
That admiration I have for them, I have learned, is mutual.
A while ago, SheVibe worked to start the creation of superhero trading cards. Today, I joined a number of friends and colleagues in being featured as one of those superheroes!
I don’t know how to express my love of this drawing. We were able to incorporate a nod to Nightwing, my namesake, with the pose and outfit. I was also able to include one of my favorite BDSM toys. Oh, and that stuffie? I very much have a real version that Sir got for me a few months ago.
I can’t say enough about how happy I am with how this turned out – or to join the sex-positive justice league!
To see each superhero, go check out SheVibe’s page. And make sure to go support them (and me!) by snagging some gear from them using my affiliate link.
In the summer of 2016, I conducted a survey to gather initial information for a presentation I did at the Stanford University Medicine X Conference back at the beginning of my sexuality education work. (It was also back when I was using my birth name.)
It recently occurred to me that I never really published that data, aside from the discussion of it at the conference.
In case you did not see the news yet, there was an attack yesterday on Asian women in Atlanta by a white supremacist. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling called to action in response. This comes at a time when anti-Asian/American violence is on the rise.
In that light, I wanted to highlight a series of bystander trainings to combat anti-Asian violence from Hollaback!. If you’re not familiar with Hollaback!, they are an organization that focuses on ending harassment in all forms. They do this by offering resources, conducting research, and providing trainings. If I recall correctly, the focused training around anti-Asian/American violence came about after early COVID-19 remarks.
I will be honest and say that I don’t know how to wrap up this post. I don’t want to center my own feelings, but also want to acknowledge that many of us may be feeling similar things – shock, grief, anger, etc. It’s important to let ourselves feel these things and use the motivation they may give us to do something measurable.
One of my favorite affiliates, CrashPad, is having a great V Day sale!
Both CrashPad and PinkLabel.TV are ethical porn spots run by the lovely people over at Pink & White Productions. Now up until 11:59 pm Pacific Time on Monday the 15th, you can save 15% off all sales on both sites with the code LOVEYOURSELF.
What do I love about this company? I could talk about that forever, but here’s the short version:
Between trans performer James Darling’s recent self-love video and my all-time favorite porn staring disabled and trans performer Lyric Seal and nonbinary performer Joey Minx, there’s a lot to enjoy. They even have a masturbation film guide!
Not into porn but want to send a gift card to your favorite connoisseur? You can pick one up for PinkLabel.TV or gift a 3-month or year-long membership to CrashPad easily.
Most people fit tidily into one of these categories:
This survey intends to collect information about everyone who DOESN’T fit into this system. Anyone who doesn’t feel like they fit into one of these two boxes is invited to participate. There are no geographical restrictions.
If you hesitate or struggle to place yourself into just one of the two boxes, or if you know for sure that these boxes were not made for you, please take the survey!
A couple of years ago, I was lucky enough to be able to interview Denarii Grace about why she was creating a Fat Acceptance Month. It’s about that time of year again when people start thinking about weight loss more heavily.
Fat Acceptance Month 2021 has a theme: “Gimme a Break!” We’ll be having conversations around rest, relaxation, self-care, the concept of “laziness,” and the harm that toxic productivity does to our souls (if you believe in that sort of thing), minds, and bodies.
For the first (of four) Twitter chats, Denarii will be asking questions about how the concept of productivity has manifested itself in your experiences of diet and weight loss cultures. That first chat is on Wednesday, January 6th, at 8 pm Eastern. Here’s a time zone converter if you need one.
To participate, follow Denarii Grace on Twitter and use the hashtag #FAM2021.
There has been a lot of conversation around self-diagnosis as of late. Every so often this pops up, so let’s be clear:
Self-diagnosis is valid.
I was 90% sure that I had hypermobility, POTS, MCAS, & gastroparesis in 2016. I wasn’t diagnosed until 2019 – and even then, I had to use my activism background to seek out the right docs. Even then, I’m not formally diagnosed with POTS. It’s pretty clear that’s what I have and there are ways I can mitigate it without a ton of medical interventions so far. If and when I get to the point where I need to explore that more, the doctor who treats my hypermobility is there to pull that trigger and refer me to the right people. In the meantime, he’s helping me manage it.
In just a couple of years, the amount of testing I had to go through was really rough. I had scopes, nerve tests, multiple MRIs, X-rays, labs, and so much more. It was incredibly costly, even though I was in a very privileged position to have good insurance & a partner at the time to help me get through all of this.
Even before getting to the point of getting these tests, I was gaslit on some of these things by HCPs for years. That includes bringing up worsening vaginismus that wasn’t addressed for years and very negatively impacted both my quality of life and relationships.
I also knew I had PTSD in college, but that wasn’t diagnosed until 2015. That was easily 10 years of knowing without an ICD-10 code. It’s hard to find mental health providers, especially with insurance restrictions.
I am nearly certain that I also have ADHD – so much so that I reference it in relationships. That is especially difficult to get a diagnosis for as an adult, and I’m tired of trying to push through to get diagnosis codes. I may revisit if I feel meds might help.
I have experienced a lot of BS in the medical world, from blaming everything on my weight, past trauma, and transness to assuming I didn’t know what I was talking about as a younger ‘woman.’ (Cue internal screaming at the sexism, misogyny, and assuming people are cisgender.)
Providers and others have also assumed I want to collect diagnoses. I don’t. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll joke about it to be flippant because that’s how I handle a lot of stuff, but I’d love to not collect any other conditions. In reality, I’m finally untangling all that I have now that I’m getting treatment for things.
Being sick since childhood means attributing a lot to the conditions I had diagnosed because 1) I didn’t know any better, and, 2) I didn’t have medical care for a long time.
The latter is one reason it’s taken until age 32 to really get my health under control.
Once my SJIA was under control, the hypermobility was easier to see and diagnose because I knew some pain wasn’t just my arthritis for the first time in my life.
Providers often do not understand this.
If I had been taken seriously in 2016 about the conditions that I believed I had – and was right about – I would not have lost multiple years of my ability to work or really exist as a human outside of the internet. I lost years of my life because of others being jerks, not listening, etc.
When you encounter people who have self-diagnosed conditions?
Don’t gatekeep.
Don’t assume that someone saying they have a diagnosis is due to them seeking attention for attention’s sake.
Self-diagnosis is valid and necessary for many of us, even those of us who hold a lot of privilege.
In this class, sex educator Grayson provides a quick overview of how disabilities and other health issues affect our sexuality – from self-esteem to relationships and more. He’ll spend most of the time covering ways to confront these challenges head-on, such as communication techniques, BDSM, sex toys, exercises, and more!
All genders are welcome.
Grayson Schultz is a sex educator and writer currently in Wisconsin. As a juvenile arthritis patient since age 5, he knows how hard it can be to live a full life while dealing with health issues. That’s why he works most closely with other chronically ill and disabled people, helping them to find workarounds, explore themselves, and discover their lives after diagnosis.
Over the last decade, Grayson has worked with organizations all around the world including universities, pharmaceutical companies, academic conferences, and patient organizations. In addition, his work has been featured in articles from publications such as US News, Broadly, Teen Vogue, and Metro UK.
Grayson holds an MS in Healthcare Administration from Utica College. When he’s not working or stuck at home during the pandemic, he enjoys writing, gaming, and reading. You can learn more about him and his work at chronicsex.org.
Registration
To register, fill out this jotform.
To complete registration, please go to paypal.me/chronicsex and send the $10 class cost. If this is a hardship for you, please select that option on the registration form.
Please mark your calendar for 7:30 pm Central Time on Friday, 11-27 for this class. If you live in another time zone, please click here to find out what the time will be for you.
Other links
If you want to find this event elsewhere, it’s on Fetlife and Facebook. You will still need to register to receive the class information.
I’ve gotten a number of questions to answer recently. It’s time to answer them! Keep in mind that I’m not a doctor, even if my friends jokingly call me one.
J writes,
I had an experience with my boyfriend a few days ago where he put it in but not all the way in (I am a virgin) and I liked it. I mean I want it more but my question is “is it just my body saying this things and I am rushing things?” because I have been ready physically for some time but not mentally. I need some advice, if this means I want it or it was just something from the moment.
It’s okay to not be ready mentally, but know that your body is ready. The first time I had sex was very similar, and we kept going because both of us were awful at self-control, haha. Hormones can drive us to do some pretty silly things when we’re not fully ready. I think it’s a good idea to examine why you don’t feel ready emotionally. Are there steps that you can take to help get to where you’ll be ready? What are they? Do you have access to someone like a therapist who might be able to help you with those steps?
I had a lot of fun when I did have sex with my first partner. We also got into a good amount of trouble because neither of us was really ready. I want you to know it’s okay to wait if you’re not feeling ready yet.
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M writes,
What are ways to be able to keep myself from stopping while i masturbate? I can occassionally stay in it, but most of the time when i feel i am almost there i stop because the building feeling becomes too much. And when i do let go and reach orgasm i reach it and that is pretty much it, the pleasure doesn’t continue, is that weird?
Everyone experiences pleasure differently. For a lot of people with vaginas, masturbation involving penetration can keep going as long as they want. For some of us, clitoral stimulation has to stop between orgasms. That kind of stimulation can also feel like a lot because there are a ton of nerve endings there – it’s suspected that there are more nerve endings there than in the penis! In reality, all genitalia develops the same. For those born with a penis, the clitoris extends and the vulva grows into where the testicles will sit. If we look at it that way, it’s very easy to understand why we might need a break from sexual activity or why too much stimulation on the clitoris might be overwhelming.
If you can investigate that building feeling being too much more – like, is it physically or is it something else – that may help you get to the bottom of this.
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K writes,
so what would it be called if i have romantic attraction to all genders but i only want a sexual relationship with one gender? for example what if i (a girl) would have a relationship with anyone like i would have a relationship with a girl and make out with a girl no questions asked, but i only want to have actual like sex with a man. am i just straighht?
We don’t talk about it a lot, but there are several different types of attraction:
For example, there are people who love being romantic but are asexual – sex isn’t particularly interesting to them. There are people who love having sex, but dislike the romantic aspect, and so would use the label aromantic. Here’s a list of attractions and orientations for more info.
It could be that you’re panromantic – where gender doesn’t really factor into who you fall for – but heterosexual.
I also want to say that there is a lot of gatekeeping in the LGBTQ+ community. Many people think that if you’re heterosexual, you shouldn’t be a part of the community regardless of your other attraction types. The problem with that is it erases the types of harm that often get thrown at people who are asexual or fall into a different attraction category than hetero for all. If panromantic feels right for you, you’re still a part of the community. If anyone tells you differently, tell them your sex educator big brother said to fuck off <3
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C writes,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we just started to have sex a couple of months ago. Before he would just touch me and lick me. The problem is he has never gotten me to cum and if I did I didn’t notice. I have been masturbating since I was 15 (am 21 now). I masturbate with a dildo and he knows I do this and is okay with it. He hates that he can’t get me to cum as hard as I can with my toys though. I don’t understand why I can’t either. I don’t think it is a lube problem because usually after sex I will use my dildo to cum and I have no problems. I have noticed though that sex doesn’t feel as great with him as my toys. Every position we try doesn’t feel right it feels like he is stabbing my insides. He is the first guy I have ever had sex with so I have nothing to compare it too. It just hurts but not enough to cry but enough to get dizzy over. Is this how its supposed to feel like? How can I make it not hurt and cum?
That is really frustrating – and I know because I’ve been there, too!
There are a number of medical conditions that could be causing this, so if you’re in a place to be able to do so, talking with a doctor or visiting a place like Planned Parenthood would be a great idea. Some of those medical conditions include endometriosis, vaginismus, and issues with the pelvic floor muscles.
For pelvic floor issues, working with a physical therapist that specializes in that area can be a lifesaver. I had to do that in 2017, and everything got better! It may take a while, but things will get better.
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G writes,
I’ve been with two sexual partners in my life, and the same thing happens with both of them. Whenever I’m receiving a handjob or blowjob, and the pleasure is in the medium-to-intense range, something unusual happens to me. I experience a tingling sensation in my arm, or both arms, or even all my limbs. The tingling sensation is very similar to the “pins and needles” sensation we all feel when our arm/leg falls asleep. And similarly to that, it’s unpleasant. What is it that’s happening, and why?
I’m sorry to hear that it’s uncomfortable! It’s hard to say exactly why this is happening, but there are a few things that could help you figure out an answer to this question.
There could be an underlying medical issue. I’m not a doctor, but my guess would be something to do with circulation or nerves. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to a doctor to see if they can rule anything out.
Many of us have quirks around our orgasms. Some people curl their toes. If I orgasm hard, my hearing starts sounding like I’m underwater. I hate to say it, but this could be your quirk.
I would definitely hit up a doctor to discuss this and see if there’s anything else going on before considering that this is a given. You might also try to mix up sensations your partner gives you during a handjob and blowjob and see if that helps.
Have a question you want to be answered? Leave a comment below! I won’t publish the comment but instead will reach back out to you.