Author: Grayson Schultz

A Guide to COVID-19 Risk Aware Conversations

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

A Guide to COVID-19 Risk Aware Conversations | photo of a small marquee with the words 'not today COVID19'

Please note that your mileage may vary with all this, especially if you rely on family or others for various help or anything else.

We know that COVID-19 can be transmitted via close contact with others, especially due to it being airborne. When this happens indoors, it can create a dangerous ability to spread infection.

I’m going to implore everyone to stay home this holiday season. This isn’t just me speaking as a chronic illness patient, but as someone that works in public health. The risk is generally far too great, especially if you’re crossing state lines.

I know the reality is that some people can’t just choose to stay home right now. In that case, it’s important to talk about risks.

How to have COVID-19 risk-aware conversations

As a sex educator, there are a ton of good ways of talking about risk! Here’s a really good, basic example from the STI world:

“So, before we meet up, I want to talk about risk-aware sex practices. I get tested for STIs every three months and after playing with new any partners. My last test was on November first via blood draw and urine sample, and all tests came back negative. I haven’t played with anyone new since having these tests run. While I have an IUD to prevent pregnancy, I ask that we also utilize condoms to add another layer of safety to preventing both STIs and pregnancy.”

If you’re talking about COVID risk, the conversation will be slightly different. You’ll need to loop in others about travel, possible exposure, and any safety measures you’re taking. Here is one possible example:

“I currently go out to get groceries once a week. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday in the clinic. Once I return from being out, I change clothes and take a shower. I always wear my mask when going out & sanitize/wash my hands often. I have not experienced any possible COVID symptoms, with the exception of an intermittent sore throat. This is a regular symptom due to one of my chronic conditions, and I’m happy to talk more about this. I have not spent time with anyone indoors, and only in passing outdoors. Since I would like to keep us both safe, I will switch to picking up groceries for the next two weeks in addition to taking additional saftey measures before we gather together.”

Leading with your status and what you’re doing gives the other person a way to emulate that if they’re nervous or don’t know what to share. It can make it really comfortable for you to ask, “What about you?”

Hold your boundaries steady

Having this conversation can also set the scene for laying out boundaries you may have. If the loved one you’re hoping to see is defensive or skirts the issue, you can use this time to reassert your needs, wants, and boundaries. You can even dig deeper into the risks if you want and define your boundaries as necessary. Remind people that you’re keeping not only you and them safe, but others you come into contact with, too.

“Dad, I love you very much. As you know, my immune system puts me at extra risk for catching infections easily. I want to spend time with you, but you need to know that I can’t come to see you if you’re not wearing masks out/limiting who you spend time with/etc. This protects both of us, but also the people I live with/work with/etc.”

It’s hard, but make sure that you follow through on that. Keep your boundaries firm. Make it clear that you control yourself and your exposure to risk. This is incredibly serious, and we can’t let our family or others stomp all over us.

Mitigating risk

Another way to mitigate risk is to consider where you’ll be. Will you be in the woods together with loved ones or at a condo in a busy, packed building? Does the person you’re visiting live alone or with a roommate whose risks you have to consider?

Know who all is invited to family things before you agree to go. Talk about risk with all of them.

Talk with your family and ensure that there’s a plan for if your Uncle Jerry (who doesn’t believe in COVID) stops by to say hi. Try to evaluate if you can truly ‘trust’ that this plan will be carried out.

If you’re not sure that you can trust that your concerns will be addressed, consider connecting virtually or otherwise from a distance. While this piece is about a romantic relationship, many of the tips and tricks can be used for any relationship.

Remind people of the risks of untreated acute issues, including COVID

Talk to your loved ones about the importance of seeking help if they show symptoms of COVID, including where to get tested near them.

It’s also important to talk about how vital it is to get treatment quickly for things like stroke, heart attacks, etc. Staying home from the hospital if they’re experiencing these will not help them heal, and may even contribute to their death or additional challenges.

Working in public health, I can say that our stroke numbers are down in Wisconsin. The reality is that we know strokes don’t take a break. What’s happening is people are too scared to get help with these dangerous acute events. People who refuse to seek help are more likely to die.

Ways to Connect with a Long-Distance Partner During the Pandemic

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

post title against a white paper, red drawn, and pencil

2020 has been a painful year for most of us, from the pandemic to an economic collapse to racism and state violence. Many of us struggle in public, scared of catching COVID-19. I avoided going out at all for a few months. When I finally had to run into a store for something, my PTSD skills kicked in. I don’t know if they’ve ever calmed down, especially with Wisconsin now at number 2 in the nation for infections.

Yeah, I might’ve picked a weird time to go into public health.

We’re struggling in private, too, from panic attacks over ongoing isolation to existential crises to problems within our relationships. Those of us living with partners likely feel like we’ve had enough of them at times, despite how much we love them. For those of us dating someone who lives in another state, there’s a question around if and when it’ll be safe to see our partners again. With infection numbers ramping up again, it’s easy to feel hopeless about being with our loved ones again.

It’s hard. Relationships need connection. For many of us, that connection requires emotional availability, time together, touch, etc. – all things that are difficult right now.

So, how can we better cultivate our connection with a long-distance partner? My newest partner and I explore some ways that can help.

First, some don’ts. Don’t:
  • Listen to or follow every list you see. This one is kinda gross, focusing on toxic monogamy and some other BS I really wouldn’t recommend.
  • Forget to talk with your partner(s) about these measures before just deciding you’re going to do them.
  • Try to force something to work if it doesn’t fit into your relationship/dynamic.
  • Forget to check-in and ask for consent, especially for anything related to sexy things.
This is a great time for general relationship upkeep, like:

Talk about how often you’d like to connect.

This can be different for every partnership, especially if there are differences in time zone or schedule. The distance may make this difficult, so it’s important to be flexible and compromise.

Address issues as they come up.

Leaving issues or things that bug you out there before addressing them can make the situation worse. It’s important to keep a clear line of communication and get on the same page around expectations.

One thing I always try to recommend is having a night every week (or on a workable schedule for you) that allows people to check-in in a mostly-sober space about what’s going well, any issues that have come up, feedback, etc.

Mix it up.

It’s tempting to ask things like how your partner’s day was. Think about other questions or ways to change up the questions you ask.

Share the reasons you appreciate each other.

The pandemic is really doing a number on mental health especially. We could all use a reminder that we matter to someone.

Reconnect on things you might’ve touched on, but not recently.

This could include things like your yes/no/maybe list, soft and hard limits, boundaries, and more.

Look for new ways to connect!

Shared experiences are the backbone of the relationships. It’s more important than ever to cultivate our connection with partners. Set up date nights and really take time together. Here are a few ways that you can do this that you may not have thought of.

Build music playlists together.

Maybe it’s for a time you get to see each other. It could be just to have a shared connection working from home or going through daily tasks, too. Building playlists together lets people share memories, talk about preferences, and connect in ways that few things do. Many music streaming services like Spotify now have collaborative playlists, making this a lot easier than it used to be.

Watch shows and/or movies together.

I always love a date night where couples cook together, sit down, and watch a show or movie together. That’s a part of a relationship that isn’t necessarily there when you’re long-distance. Thankfully, there are tons of ways we can recreate some aspects of that experience.

There are a number of apps that bring options to watch things at the same time, such as Discord, Plex, and Netflix. Apps or plug-ins like Synaptop and Kast can help, too.

You might not be able to sit down and watch something at the same time, and that’s okay. Figure out a time when you will both have been able to finish the episode or movie. Sit down and discuss your reactions and thoughts.

Play games together.

No, I’m not talking about Truth or Dare (although that’s an option). There are a ton of options to play games together now, from phone apps to Steam, console games, and several options to play tabletop games online such as Roll20.

Write erotica together.

With how often I talk about my sex life, people tend to be surprised when they hear I struggle with using words during sexual situations. The nice thing is that doesn’t have to stay the case and, honestly, I’m lucky to have partners that are trying to help me deal with that.

I still like whining about it, so don’t tell them I said that.

These can be one-off episodes or long-lasting situations. You can write all the erotica together or switch back and forth for each ‘chapter.’ To make the process extra fun, consider incorporating fantasies or things you know your partner(s) really enjoy.

You could also consider recording it and letting your partner hear erotica read in your voice. Heck, you can even do this with scripts others have written, like those on Gone Wild Audio.

Send each other voice messages throughout the day.

One of the things a lot of us are missing being able to socialize. Sending each other voice messages throughout the day can help remind us that we’re more than our jobs and the lives we have within our homes. It’s also just nice to hear a voice that isn’t in a work meeting or on another freaking webinar.

Take more pictures and videos.

Along with our struggle around socialization, it can be really comforting to actually see our partners. These pictures or videos don’t have to be sexy, although that can be fun. Just ensure that you have consent before sending sexy things.

Talk on the phone.

I generally detest phone calls, but I have really been missing interacting with key people in my life. When I’m on the phone with Sir, it feels like the miles between us melt away. Instead of worrying about time zones or obligations, we’re both in the same place, even if it’s just our voices.

Have video calls!

Look, I know Zoom Fatigue is all the rage to talk about. In the disability community, we’ve been relying on Zoom and other video call platforms for ages, though, and it’s a lot different for most of us.

It’s also a lot different to talk to a lover on video than sitting in a work meeting.

There are, of course, more niche technological things that allow for connection, including:

I don’t really have experience with these, so I’d suggest doing a good amount of research before investing in these costly things.

Send snail mail.

This is something that I do with a few of my close friends. With all of the digital stuff, it’s nice to have a tangible reminder that someone cares about you. From care packages to simple notes, it’s a really sweet thing to receive or to send off. Cute ‘just because’ gifts are always precious.

Consider sweet things, like writing a series of letters labeled ‘open when ___’ (e.g., when you’re having a rough day).

Read a book together.

Reading together is something I think is so intimate. Combine this with reading out loud to each other on a call, etc., and it can be a really enjoyable way to listen to your partner’s voice. Plus, you can trade off on who picks out the title, meaning you’re learning more about your partner and their likes than you might realize right away.

You can also read books one at a time and send them off to your partner. It’s fun to write cute notes in the margins – and a good excuse to send other tangible things!

Give each other little tasks.

Even without power exchange, completing tasks can bring a sense of fulfillment. These can be loving, fun, or sexy. If you know that, say, your partner struggles with putting away laundry, you can encourage them with rewards – or even punishments if they don’t complete the task.

Consider making plans for when you’ll get to see each other.

Right now, we need things to look forward to. It’s been a really hard year and most of us don’t know when we’re going to be able to see or visit many people we care about.

One thing that has given me a lot of joy has been planning a secluded getaway with Sir where COVID-19 can be the last thing on both of our minds. I don’t have to think about it for work or personally, and neither do they. Being in a spot where we’re not going to be able to really use our phones forces us to unplug. Thankfully, I think we both could really use that.

Lastly? Keep communicating, even when it feels awkward.

Look, communicating effectively can be really awkward. You might feel like you’re asking questions that seem silly or like things you should already know. It gets easier the more you continue to communicate. Thankfully, awkwardness is usually pretty endearing, too!

Election Reminders

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

With the election today, I wanted to offer some reminders and grounding techniques. I’m sure I’m not the only one who could use it.

7 Tips for Calming Election Anxiety We Could All Use Right Now

7 Simple Grounding Techniques For Calming Down Quickly

30 Grounding Techniques to Quiet Distressing Thoughts

Transcript

Welcome to the chronic sex podcast, chronic sex talks about how self-love relationships, sex and sexuality are all affected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more give you a range of subject matter. This podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18. And unless you have headphones, you probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I am your host.

Continue reading “Election Reminders” →

Justice is What Love Looks Like in Public

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

black hearts in the background with a red heart; a white text box overlays this with black text: Justice is what love looks like in public, just like tenderness is what love feels like in private. Dr. Cornell West.

One of my absolute favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Cornel West: “Justice is what love looks like in public, just like tenderness is what love feels like in private.” It’s something that I’ve been thinking more and more about, especially in the context of empathy.

Empathy

Empathy is something that develops when we’re infants through the relationships we have with others. Our empathy muscles continue to grow as we do, adapting and changing with the different situations we encounter. Did you know, though, that there are multiple types of empathy?

Cognitive empathy is the notion of being able to imagine yourself in the same situation as someone else. It’s more of a mental exercise, having to do with logic. This may come off cold to others. The problem is advice from this empathy space is often focused on a logical answer. It doesn’t take into account nuance, like understanding a situation on an emotional level might.

Somatic empathy is quite literally feeling someone else’s physical pain. Twins and other people who are incredibly close can develop this. My sister and I aren’t twins but we are close, and we often feel each other’s pain even 2200 miles apart. We’ll call each other to say ‘take a break’ or I might call to check-in and make sure my pain is mine and not hers.

For those who can’t picture this, imagine watching a movie where someone with the same genitalia as you gets kicked there hard. If you felt physical pain, you’re experiencing this type of empathy. Our focus is on pain, and any advice comes from a pain relief standpoint.

Emotional empathy is likely what we begin to learn first. From smiling to crying, emotions are contagious. Our emotional empathy is often how we learn to react in situations based on the reactions in those around us.

Unfortunately, emotional empathy is also something that many empaths struggle with. It can be quite draining because literally feeling the emotions of others is a harrowing experience.  It can also be a way to cope with abusive environments as it allows us to fawn and take other self-protective measures more easily.

Compassionate empathy is similar to emotional empathy but with motivation to help. It’s also often what people mean when they refer to empathy – being able to sense or feels another’s emotions. Many doctors and others in caring fields can harness this skill well, helping others grow and heal.

While this is a good skill to have, it can also become overwhelming if we don’t learn how to set boundaries. We may feel as though everything is our fault or that it’s up to us to solve every problem. Not only is that not true, but it’s a form of self-harm. It’s why I had to make the switch from working directly with other disabled folx to public health. I felt far too responsible for the wellbeing of others in an unhealthy manner.

What does empathy have to do with this Dr. West quote?

Honestly, a lot.

I was thinking about how unforutnate it is that so many people don’t see the connection between love and justice. At times, like the last several months, it can be rage-inducing.

Thinking about the last several months, though, it hit me that too many people aren’t exercising their empathy muscles at all. They refuse to wear masks due to selfishness, even running through stores without them as some sort of sick and endangering parade. People repost nude photos acquired without consent. Karens threaten to kill retail workers over 30 cents. (That last one brought on my exit from retail in college.) White people call the police on Black kids selling lemonade or playing in the park. BLM protesters are being murdered.

Many of these aren’t new issues, but are a prime example of a lack of foundational empathy development.

The United States prides itself on exceptionalism. That encouraged a god complex in many ‘patriots.’ As a country, we love capitalism. That’s brought an ‘every man for himself’ and ‘dog eat dog’ mindset on in so many. People have been taught that those in need will steal from us if we show compassion, that kindness is a weakness.

This is both untrue and a root cause of so many problems in our society.

Many older people talk about how millennials or Gen Zers are selfish. Generally, that’s not true – but we do have boundaries in ways they may not have. We revel in community in ways older generations don’t anymore. Having grown up watching shows about ethics while relying on friends, we see the issues inherent in this American approach to life.

It’s literally killing us and our planet. We cannot afford this mindset any longer.

What do we do?

Let’s be clear – we cannot fix our entire society. No one person has that power, and no one should.

What we can do is think about our sphere of influence.

a target; in the center is control; the second circle out is direct influence; the next is indirect influence; the final is zone of no influence
source

This can be handy in a number of situations, but especially in our end times this year. The idea is that the target starts at the middle with what we have the most control over. As we move out, we lose control.

The center of the target represents the only thing we can truly control – ourself. That includes our side of interactions, choices, etc. This might mean how we spend our money, like not going to Chick-fil-a (or, as I like to call them, Oppression Chicken).

Our direct influence circle will be filled with people and situations that we can directly influence. That likely includes people close to us, such as family, friends, and partners.

Indirect influence may be people on Twitter whom you don’t interact with but who follow you or people reading your website (hi!). I may not personally know you and we may not be friends, but what I write and put into the world may influence you.

The zone of no influence is bigger in reality than it looks. That can be scary, but it’s important to remember that we can’t necessarily alter how many things go. For example, there is no way we can influence how a prominent author spouts anti-trans sentiments. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone who doesn’t share her views, especially if we’re small fish.

Since we cannot affect her mindset, it’s okay to not try with her. It’s okay to use her as an example to teach others about how harmful this is, for sure. But, say, tweeting at her won’t get her to change her mind.

How do we apply spheres of influence to empathy work?

It’s important to go where we will have an impact. Here, we know starting with She Who Must Not Be Named isn’t going to work. She’s in our Zone of No Influence. It’s okay to abandon people who will not ever listen – hell, it’s self-care.

Instead, who can we influence and what can we control?

I can control how I approach situations. I can foster and cultivate empathy in everything I do.

Using that, I can model this for the people I influence directly or indirectly. For those I influence directly, I can remind them to be thoughtful of others and their needs – to give people space and grace. I can talk with others about how to work on empathy skills or what ways that work can present itself.

I could share tools with others to help workout empathy muscles, like Kate Kenfield’s Tea & Empathy cards. These cards are absolutely fantastic. After four years, it’s still my favorite way to keep in touch with my emotions as well as those of others.

So, if you need this reminder – It’s okay to focus the precious energy we have right now on people who may be more apt to ‘get it.’ We can be picky with some of the work we have to do as a society as far as who is more likely to make those positive changes. Let’s be agents of change together instead of agents of absolute chaos.

Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Gen Review

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I bought the Satisfyer 2 Pro on my own but do share an affiliate link at the end of the post.

Satisfyer Pro 2 Review with picture of Satisfyer Pro 2 in a teal & light wood shelf

A few weeks into the pandemic, I got a gift card and decided to pick up my first air-pulse toy. I’ve been told these are must-have toys by fellow sex educators and others but I’ve had some concern about the often-gendered nature of the toy. But, look, it was time for a change.

One of these reasons I’ve been so excited about this toy is the slight bottom growth I have from testosterone. Despite reading reviews like those from Erika Lynae, I had a feeling this could lead to some pretty intense orgasms, but I was underprepared.

Anyway, what are the details?

  • Non-contact pressure-wave technology to provide feelings of suction and pulsations, similar to the sensations you feel during oral sex
  • 11 intensities
  • Waterproof up to a meter for 30 minutes
  • Quieter than the previous model
  • Larger & wider head than the previous model for better coverage
  • Scroll feature instead of cycling through like in the old model
  • Rechargeable via a magnetic charger
  • Easy to clean.

For more comparing this to previous Satisfyer models, check out Miss Ruby Reviews’ post.

The Bad

I often forget to charge the toy, but that’s my issue.

The idea of getting a full seal with the toy around a clit is a little difficult. I appreciate the wide mouth, but also wonder if it would be better to have interchangeable mouths instead.

I’ll be honest – until I started writing this review, I had no idea the Satisfyer had eleven intensities. I usually stick to the bottom 3-4 and orgasm pretty quickly. After really putting in the effort, I was able to withstand all 11 intensities – though not necessarily for long…

The Good

That said, the intense vibrations may help people who struggle with sensation issues reach orgasm. What works for one person might not work for another, and I’m really glad there is a large amount of variety in sex toys. That range gives us accessibility, and that’s wonderful. The dynamic between this Satisfyer and similar toys seems similar to me to the dynamic between the Doxy and other wands. Some of us like or need extra intensity, and some of us don’t.

Speaking of accessible, the handle is great. I’ve not run into have days where I struggle to use this toy. It’s also not caused any subluxation or dislocation.

It’s a sleek, pretty toy. The color is great. The controls and charging all work really well. It’s super easy to clean.

As a trans masculine person with a little bottom growth (AKA the clitoris enlarging from testosterone), these orgasms are intense. I believe they would be for anyone without bottom growth. I know that the growth has allowed me more access to the interesting sensations of the Satisfyer since my clit gets slightly more surrounding than someone else’s might.

The Extra Fun

Y’all know that I usually recommend against buying toys on Amazon. There can be shady stuff that goes down. I wanted to share this review from Goddess Divine, though, because it’s beautiful and perfect:

This rose gold, silicone tipped beauty will make you feel like the Queen you were always meant to be.
You set this bad boy into position and it stays. I’m talking hands free. You can watch your porn, eat a snack, browse Netflix, knit a sweater, whatever you want.
Until 30 seconds later. When you approach orgasm numero uno. It’ll be small but powerful. You’ll de-clit this so fast you won’t even remember what you were doing. Catch your breath. Then think to yourself “just one more won’t hurt.”
A minute later, numero dos.
By the time you hit number 3, your soul will seperate from your body like some Doctor Strange move.
Now you’ve reached, the need-an-Excorism level.
Palms sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, weirdly craving spaghetti.
You’ll become your biggest cheerleader.
“You’re the freaking champion. You’re going to cum. You deserve this. You freaking know you do.”
“Just one more orgasm, then you’re done.”
*orgasms*
maniacal laughter “Girl, you know I was lyin. Go again, you bad mamma jamma.”
If you’ve called yourself the champion at least once, you’ve reached the winners circle of masturbation. It’s a small club. Growing by the day thanks to this suction, wave-length, science vibrator.
Another word of cautionIf you think at any point “weird, feels like I can poop right now.” DE-FREAKING-CLIT. You will undoubtedly poop yourself. Also, you may passout. I maaaay be speaking from experience.
Proceed with caution.

She’s not the only person who has had their life changed by this toy. One review is from someone who hasn’t orgasmed in a long time due to meds who finally has them again. Another called it a soul snatcher. From the hilarious to the heartfelt, reviews of this toy across the internet are mostly positive.

It’s also led a lot of people to finally being able to squirt! Since this is definitely a goal for me, it’s one of the main reasons I bought this toy.

The Verdict?

If you have a clitoris, consider getting this toy. It’s something that I’ve had for a few months and picked up rather cheap, but would probably save in an emergency.

You can pick up the Satisfyer Pro 2 from Peepshow Toys where you can save 10% using the code CHRONIC.

Hot Octopuss Digit Review

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I received the Digit from Hot Octopuss in 2019 in exchange for a review.

a black bulb toy sits on a teal/light wood/purpleish shelf with white text overlaid: a chronic sex review | hot octopuss digit review

After enjoying the Queen Bee and writing for Hot Octopuss once, I jumped at the chance to review the Digit, their answer to a bullet vibrator.

Hot Octopuss describes the Digit as:

“At Hot Octopuss we believe in everyone’s fundamental right to sexual pleasure and expression. Too often we remain silent, unable to seek out the sex – including masturbation – that’s most enjoyable for us without fear of judgment. With that, we are proud to debut DiGiT – a sleek and wearable finger vibe that looks more like a custom piece of jewelry than a sex toy. Great solo or you can let your partner take control. DiGiT is set to supercharge your solo or partnered sessions. Coming in at 69 USD, 69 Euros and 59 GBP, DiGiT, as with all Hot Octopuss products, is set to change people’s perceptions of how sex toys should look and function.”

The toy is black and made of both silicone and plastic. There are 5 vibration modes and 5 speeds. It is waterproof and meant to be utilized only with water-based lubricants. Being relatively small, it charges via a USB-to-aux cable. The aux end plugs directly into the toy. After roughly 2 hours of charging, it can run for 40 minutes.

Now, let’s dive into my thoughts about the Digit and some overall information about Hot Octopuss.

The Good

Hot Octopuss is a company that I really enjoy. As a part of a site redesign, they’ve built a button where you can see their site without gendered terms. They’ve also built pages for accessibility-related issues, erection issues, LGBTQIA, and aging.

The Bad

This particular toy has these rings that go around your fingers when you use it. For me, these rings – which are plastic – were very hard. They have a little give in their size but not much, making it not super accessible.

a photo of the digit against a white wall

One way to address this would be to utilize a different type of material for the rings, perhaps one that’s poseable.

On another accessibility note, this toy is not the easiest to maneuver. It’s not built for someone who struggles with reach at all. It’s also very difficult to change the speeds and patterns. My left shoulder regularly dislocates, and I really don’t need toys that can easily make that happen, you know? If you look at the picture above, those small indents near the handle are the controls. I would have really preferred something with raised buttons, if not something that could connect to an app.

I also feel like another drawback to this toy is the charging mechanism. Plugging something into a hole in the actual toy, especially one this small, feels like a recipe for potential disaster.

As far as the function of the toy itself, it wasn’t awful but I also didn’t find it anything incredibly wild or wonderful.

The Verdict?

If you are hypermobile or struggle with hand dexterity, I suggest you skip this one. There are bullet vibrators that are easier to control if you’re looking for something similar.

You can pick up the DiGiT from Hot Octopuss.

POTS and Little Space

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

This post discusses little space (as in DD/lg or DD/lb dynamics with no discussion of the DD aspect), a lack of consent RE headspace, and medical trauma.

white text over a photo of plants in terra cotta pots - POTS and Little Space | chronic sex

I had a super interesting realization in May, thanks to my partners.

I have POTS – Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It’s a type of dysfunction in the autonomic nervous system. The main symptom is that people struggle with positional changes. According to Healthline, “your body doesn’t send the right signals to your brain and heart when you change position. This results in an increased heart rate of up to 30 bpm higher than usual. This can make you feel like you need to sit or lie back down.”

Other symptoms include fatigue, shortness of breath, nausea, weakness, chest pain, and temperature issues. I struggle with all of the above, but especially temperature regulation. It’s one way I know my POTS is acting up.

Some of the things that can help include wearing compression socks, eating smaller amounts but more often, and upping both your salt and fluid intake. Getting better sleep can help, too.

Tell that to any of us in a pandemic, right?

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with little space.

It’s absolutely a fair question.

On a Wednesday after work, I passed out. I sat down and overheated. It didn’t hurt or anything but was still less than ideal. I slept for about an hour and woke up dealing with POTS symptoms. Not only that, but I was in a weird headspace and acting very childlike.

My nesting partner was not in the headspace to be big, and I was having trouble communicating. I texted my other partner who is also a sex educator to help my process the things I was realizing.

What ze and I came to discover was that this was my little space. Little space is a particular mindset many people who engage in age play find themselves in, but this headspace can also happen due to trauma and other factors. It’s a really easy way for us as adults to relieve stress. Things you might already do for comfort – like snuggling stuffys, coloring, watching cartoons, or eating foods you ate when you were little – can all be a part of incredibly healthy coping skills that just happen to involve little space.

Everyone’s experience of that space is different overall. Individual instances can be different, similar to drug experiences. Some people have a really healthy and comfortable relationship with this space; some don’t. While some folks are able to figure out what age their little stems from, others can’t. I know that my little brain comes from trauma. That version is usually the last age you felt truly safe. Depending on what I’m dealing with, my age is either prior to my trauma (around 2-4) or between incidences (8-10).

Honestly, a lot of my little side comes out when I’m stressed in ways I’ve been through before, like having to adult far too much. That is already a trigger for me because of having to be the voice of reason (or basically the adult) in my home at a young age… around 4.

It isn’t all centered around trauma. Like many people, I happily engage in activities that are comforting and involve age regression. I have a ton of coloring books, love watching cartoons, and plenty more.

The age regression I was experiencing here is likely because of the trauma of these symptoms, of not knowing my body. The first time I had POTS symptoms was in the summer of 2012, but they weren’t recognized until 2019. Even now, technically, it’s suspected rather than an official diagnosis because of the difficulty and inaccuracy at times of the tests involved.

I’ve spent several years scared of these symptoms, wondering what they were, and struggling with how they make me feel. That is, frankly, a ton of stress on its own without taking my laundry list of other conditions or stressors or any part of 2020 into account. I’m likely regressing to help my brain find safety.

Why did it feel so icky, though?

My brain logically understands why this happened, but at the moment it felt wrong. It’s taken me a while to unpack.

Usually, I either choose to get into this headspace or come to it naturally. It’s not uncommon to wake up in little space, either in the morning or from a nap… but there was something so foreign about this.

I think it was because I really had no warning. I did not go into this place with intent. It left me feeling as though I had engaged with something where I hadn’t given my consent to do so. That combined with the inherent trauma of these experiences clearly made this even more intense.

I didn’t intend to fall asleep. I didn’t intend to get too warm. Instead, I woke up dazed, confused, and without enough mental capacity to really process what was happening.

Since then, I’ve been able to keep track of my stress levels better. My therapist and I have started to work on processing trauma, especially when it’s related to patterns. Things like abandonment, the pressure to be the main/only adult in a situation, or situations where I’m doing far more than the fair share of things are all triggers as is.

Add the stress of finances, health crud, dysphoria, and a pandemic to that? It’s no wonder I had a rough time.

This was a really good reminder for me to check in and see what self-care looks like for me right now. I clearly need to do better in managing my POTS. I also need to focus on having more time to allow myself to be carefree (when that’s a possibility).

Mimi Soft Clitoral Vibrator Review

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Je Joue recently sent me several sex toys to review with my partner. This review is one of four to come.

white text - A Chronic Sex Review | Mimi Soft Clitoral Vibrator - over a photo of a pink Mimi on a teal and light wood shelf

A new week brings a new Je Joue review. This time, I’m reviewing the Mimi Soft Clitoral Vibrator. Check out the vid for some stats and facts straight from Je Joue themselves:

The Repeats

A number of issues with the Mimi are just like those I discussed in the Mio review. this toy poses some intense accessibility issues. The buttons are once again very small and hard to control while using the toy. They are more accessible for a partner, at least. There’s no handle or easy way to hold this toy. It legitimately hurts my hands to try. I nearly subluxed my shoulder trying to do it on a good hand day and still couldn’t get a good angle.

The same issues with the app, texture, and chargers remain.

The Bad

The very tip of the toy is just silicone. While that makes it soft and somewhat pliable, it also doesn’t feel like it carries much vibration with it. Between that and the many, many options for vibration intensity and pattern, it can actually be difficult to register the changes the buttons bring. I had to try it on my tongue to figure it out, and that’s not a great sign.

The Good

I really didn’t have a lot to say about this toy from a positive angle. It was weak enough that, even using it partnered, it didn’t get me off without combining it with a penetrative toy, too.

The Verdict?

Quite honestly, this was a pretty mediocre toy. If you orgasm relatively easy from vibrations, you may still like it – as long as you have long arms or abled hands.

If interested, you can pick up the Mimi from Je Joue here.

Mio Vibrating Cock Ring Review

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Je Joue recently sent me several sex toys to review with my partner. This review is one of four to come.

purple/teal/blue/peach graphic: Chronic Sex | My Oh Mio | A Je Joue Mio Vibrating Cock Ring Review

The Mio Vibrating Cock Ring is one of the more attractive cock rings on the market. It’s pretty and doesn’t necessarily ‘look’ like a sex toy. If you haven’t noticed, that’s something that a lot of brands are trying to do lately. Here are some stats:

Generally speaking, I don’t review products that are heavily gendered like Je Joue can be. I see lots of sex educators partnering with them, though, and wanted to see how accessible these toys are.

Unfortunately, the answer is not very accessible at all.

The Good

The patterns are nice. They allow for a change in intensity that other cock rings may not offer.

It’s pretty! And it’s soft…

The Bad

Although, that softness means it picks up every single hair within a 5-mile radius. These really should have come with bags.

This toy is really thick where the motor is. That combined with the ungodly amount of stretch in this toy means it’s almost impossible to keep it on, especially around both the base of the penis and testicles. A less plasticized silicone should have been used here.

While all the Je Joue toys charge via USB, not all chargers can be used with all toys. Therefore, you really have to keep the charger and toy together. That’s just not feasible for most people.

At $109, this is an expensive cock ring. Because of the cost, it’s out of the reach of a lot of people.

The Even Worse

Je Joue has an app that you can use to control their toys. The problem is this app is basically unusable. It crashes, disconnects from toys, and isn’t user-friendly. It’s hard to tell which setting you’re on without the app, too. With some settings, it’s easier to tell by the very buzzy sound than by feel.

There are a ton of reviews of how bad the app is and yet there seems to be no focus on improving it. All this despite the fact that they boast about the app!

Without the app, it’s very hard to change settings while the Mio is in use. Even when it’s not, it’s hard to change through the settings. The buttons aren’t very easy to use. They’re also placed where they will pick up every hair and any amount of liquid. The seam being placed where it is does the same thing while also making it a little uncomfortable for everyone involved.

The Verdict?

Quite frankly, I haven’t touched the Mio since we tested it. It’s gone in the misfit bag of sad sex toys where it will forever stay.

Research Opportunity Centering the Trans Experience

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Earlier this week, I participated in a study that is looking for more participants. As a researcher, too, I felt that the study asked important questions about identity, representation, and safety. Chris is especially focused on gathering more BIPOC voices. Please see the information below:

Centering Trans-gender Experiences of Marginalization, Precarity, and Representation Survey

Experiences of trans-gender people are often not represented in research that is conducted with members of the LGBTQ+ community. When research does focus on trans-gender experiences, the participants tend to be more economically or socially privileged. The purpose of this research is to challenge that trend and create the opportunity for under-represented trans-gender experiences to be shared and heard.

This informational survey is designed to provide the researcher, Christine Strayer, with important background information to better prepare for your interview. Your participation in this study is completely voluntary and the highest priority of this research is to keep your identity and information confidential.

Participation in this study is completely voluntary. Experiences of trans-gender people are often not represented in research that is done with members of the LGBTQ+ community. When research does focus on trans-gender experiences, the participants tend to be more privileged in some way. The purpose of this research is to challenge that trend and create the opportunity for more trans-gender experiences to be shared and heard.

This study will also serve as Christine Strayer’s dissertation for the requirements of earning a doctoral degree. If you take part in the research, you will be asked to take an initial survey that asks you to share some of your background information as well as participate in an online, video interview. Your time in the study will take approximately 15 minutes to complete the survey and approximately 70-80 minutes to participate in the interview. Possible risks and costs to you for taking part in the study may be discomfort from sharing personal experiences that you may perceive as sensitive or traumatic, the inconvenience of time required to participate in taking the survey and speaking in the interview, and the remote possibility that your identity may be disclosed. The potential benefit of taking part may be that your experiences as a trans-gender person are given the highest priority and your concerns will be heard. In addition, you can anticipate a small gift to thank you for your time and emotional labor because your contribution is deeply appreciated. Your alternative to taking part in the research study is to not take part in it.

Western Michigan University Sociology Department
Principal Investigator:         Dr. Angela Moe
Student Investigator:       Christine Strayer

To participate, click here.