Category: communication

"communicating with your partner 101" - two photos, one with two people holding hands and another with two people hugging

Communicating With Your Partner 101

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Communication is the foundation of any healthy and lasting relationship. That shouldn’t be a surprise. After all, no partner can read minds or guess what you need at all times. Most of the questions I get really boil down to partners not communicating due to fear, worry, stigma, and more.

The truth is that communication isn’t just stating facts and opinions. It’s the way we express emotions, empathy and support. One of the most important aspects of communication with your partner is telling them how you feel about them and expressing your appreciation, love and commitment. These words of affirmation and validation can make a huge difference in your relationship and strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

Let’s dig into some of the important things that you and your partner need to do so that you both feel loved, appreciated, and supported.

Continue reading “Communicating With Your Partner 101” →

A Guide to COVID-19 Risk Aware Conversations

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

A Guide to COVID-19 Risk Aware Conversations | photo of a small marquee with the words 'not today COVID19'

Please note that your mileage may vary with all this, especially if you rely on family or others for various help or anything else.

We know that COVID-19 can be transmitted via close contact with others, especially due to it being airborne. When this happens indoors, it can create a dangerous ability to spread infection.

I’m going to implore everyone to stay home this holiday season. This isn’t just me speaking as a chronic illness patient, but as someone that works in public health. The risk is generally far too great, especially if you’re crossing state lines.

I know the reality is that some people can’t just choose to stay home right now. In that case, it’s important to talk about risks.

How to have COVID-19 risk-aware conversations

As a sex educator, there are a ton of good ways of talking about risk! Here’s a really good, basic example from the STI world:

“So, before we meet up, I want to talk about risk-aware sex practices. I get tested for STIs every three months and after playing with new any partners. My last test was on November first via blood draw and urine sample, and all tests came back negative. I haven’t played with anyone new since having these tests run. While I have an IUD to prevent pregnancy, I ask that we also utilize condoms to add another layer of safety to preventing both STIs and pregnancy.”

If you’re talking about COVID risk, the conversation will be slightly different. You’ll need to loop in others about travel, possible exposure, and any safety measures you’re taking. Here is one possible example:

“I currently go out to get groceries once a week. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday in the clinic. Once I return from being out, I change clothes and take a shower. I always wear my mask when going out & sanitize/wash my hands often. I have not experienced any possible COVID symptoms, with the exception of an intermittent sore throat. This is a regular symptom due to one of my chronic conditions, and I’m happy to talk more about this. I have not spent time with anyone indoors, and only in passing outdoors. Since I would like to keep us both safe, I will switch to picking up groceries for the next two weeks in addition to taking additional saftey measures before we gather together.”

Leading with your status and what you’re doing gives the other person a way to emulate that if they’re nervous or don’t know what to share. It can make it really comfortable for you to ask, “What about you?”

Hold your boundaries steady

Having this conversation can also set the scene for laying out boundaries you may have. If the loved one you’re hoping to see is defensive or skirts the issue, you can use this time to reassert your needs, wants, and boundaries. You can even dig deeper into the risks if you want and define your boundaries as necessary. Remind people that you’re keeping not only you and them safe, but others you come into contact with, too.

“Dad, I love you very much. As you know, my immune system puts me at extra risk for catching infections easily. I want to spend time with you, but you need to know that I can’t come to see you if you’re not wearing masks out/limiting who you spend time with/etc. This protects both of us, but also the people I live with/work with/etc.”

It’s hard, but make sure that you follow through on that. Keep your boundaries firm. Make it clear that you control yourself and your exposure to risk. This is incredibly serious, and we can’t let our family or others stomp all over us.

Mitigating risk

Another way to mitigate risk is to consider where you’ll be. Will you be in the woods together with loved ones or at a condo in a busy, packed building? Does the person you’re visiting live alone or with a roommate whose risks you have to consider?

Know who all is invited to family things before you agree to go. Talk about risk with all of them.

Talk with your family and ensure that there’s a plan for if your Uncle Jerry (who doesn’t believe in COVID) stops by to say hi. Try to evaluate if you can truly ‘trust’ that this plan will be carried out.

If you’re not sure that you can trust that your concerns will be addressed, consider connecting virtually or otherwise from a distance. While this piece is about a romantic relationship, many of the tips and tricks can be used for any relationship.

Remind people of the risks of untreated acute issues, including COVID

Talk to your loved ones about the importance of seeking help if they show symptoms of COVID, including where to get tested near them.

It’s also important to talk about how vital it is to get treatment quickly for things like stroke, heart attacks, etc. Staying home from the hospital if they’re experiencing these will not help them heal, and may even contribute to their death or additional challenges.

Working in public health, I can say that our stroke numbers are down in Wisconsin. The reality is that we know strokes don’t take a break. What’s happening is people are too scared to get help with these dangerous acute events. People who refuse to seek help are more likely to die.

Ways to Connect with a Long-Distance Partner During the Pandemic

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

post title against a white paper, red drawn, and pencil

2020 has been a painful year for most of us, from the pandemic to an economic collapse to racism and state violence. Many of us struggle in public, scared of catching COVID-19. I avoided going out at all for a few months. When I finally had to run into a store for something, my PTSD skills kicked in. I don’t know if they’ve ever calmed down, especially with Wisconsin now at number 2 in the nation for infections.

Yeah, I might’ve picked a weird time to go into public health.

We’re struggling in private, too, from panic attacks over ongoing isolation to existential crises to problems within our relationships. Those of us living with partners likely feel like we’ve had enough of them at times, despite how much we love them. For those of us dating someone who lives in another state, there’s a question around if and when it’ll be safe to see our partners again. With infection numbers ramping up again, it’s easy to feel hopeless about being with our loved ones again.

It’s hard. Relationships need connection. For many of us, that connection requires emotional availability, time together, touch, etc. – all things that are difficult right now.

So, how can we better cultivate our connection with a long-distance partner? My newest partner and I explore some ways that can help.

First, some don’ts. Don’t:
  • Listen to or follow every list you see. This one is kinda gross, focusing on toxic monogamy and some other BS I really wouldn’t recommend.
  • Forget to talk with your partner(s) about these measures before just deciding you’re going to do them.
  • Try to force something to work if it doesn’t fit into your relationship/dynamic.
  • Forget to check-in and ask for consent, especially for anything related to sexy things.
This is a great time for general relationship upkeep, like:

Talk about how often you’d like to connect.

This can be different for every partnership, especially if there are differences in time zone or schedule. The distance may make this difficult, so it’s important to be flexible and compromise.

Address issues as they come up.

Leaving issues or things that bug you out there before addressing them can make the situation worse. It’s important to keep a clear line of communication and get on the same page around expectations.

One thing I always try to recommend is having a night every week (or on a workable schedule for you) that allows people to check-in in a mostly-sober space about what’s going well, any issues that have come up, feedback, etc.

Mix it up.

It’s tempting to ask things like how your partner’s day was. Think about other questions or ways to change up the questions you ask.

Share the reasons you appreciate each other.

The pandemic is really doing a number on mental health especially. We could all use a reminder that we matter to someone.

Reconnect on things you might’ve touched on, but not recently.

This could include things like your yes/no/maybe list, soft and hard limits, boundaries, and more.

Look for new ways to connect!

Shared experiences are the backbone of the relationships. It’s more important than ever to cultivate our connection with partners. Set up date nights and really take time together. Here are a few ways that you can do this that you may not have thought of.

Build music playlists together.

Maybe it’s for a time you get to see each other. It could be just to have a shared connection working from home or going through daily tasks, too. Building playlists together lets people share memories, talk about preferences, and connect in ways that few things do. Many music streaming services like Spotify now have collaborative playlists, making this a lot easier than it used to be.

Watch shows and/or movies together.

I always love a date night where couples cook together, sit down, and watch a show or movie together. That’s a part of a relationship that isn’t necessarily there when you’re long-distance. Thankfully, there are tons of ways we can recreate some aspects of that experience.

There are a number of apps that bring options to watch things at the same time, such as Discord, Plex, and Netflix. Apps or plug-ins like Synaptop and Kast can help, too.

You might not be able to sit down and watch something at the same time, and that’s okay. Figure out a time when you will both have been able to finish the episode or movie. Sit down and discuss your reactions and thoughts.

Play games together.

No, I’m not talking about Truth or Dare (although that’s an option). There are a ton of options to play games together now, from phone apps to Steam, console games, and several options to play tabletop games online such as Roll20.

Write erotica together.

With how often I talk about my sex life, people tend to be surprised when they hear I struggle with using words during sexual situations. The nice thing is that doesn’t have to stay the case and, honestly, I’m lucky to have partners that are trying to help me deal with that.

I still like whining about it, so don’t tell them I said that.

These can be one-off episodes or long-lasting situations. You can write all the erotica together or switch back and forth for each ‘chapter.’ To make the process extra fun, consider incorporating fantasies or things you know your partner(s) really enjoy.

You could also consider recording it and letting your partner hear erotica read in your voice. Heck, you can even do this with scripts others have written, like those on Gone Wild Audio.

Send each other voice messages throughout the day.

One of the things a lot of us are missing being able to socialize. Sending each other voice messages throughout the day can help remind us that we’re more than our jobs and the lives we have within our homes. It’s also just nice to hear a voice that isn’t in a work meeting or on another freaking webinar.

Take more pictures and videos.

Along with our struggle around socialization, it can be really comforting to actually see our partners. These pictures or videos don’t have to be sexy, although that can be fun. Just ensure that you have consent before sending sexy things.

Talk on the phone.

I generally detest phone calls, but I have really been missing interacting with key people in my life. When I’m on the phone with Sir, it feels like the miles between us melt away. Instead of worrying about time zones or obligations, we’re both in the same place, even if it’s just our voices.

Have video calls!

Look, I know Zoom Fatigue is all the rage to talk about. In the disability community, we’ve been relying on Zoom and other video call platforms for ages, though, and it’s a lot different for most of us.

It’s also a lot different to talk to a lover on video than sitting in a work meeting.

There are, of course, more niche technological things that allow for connection, including:

I don’t really have experience with these, so I’d suggest doing a good amount of research before investing in these costly things.

Send snail mail.

This is something that I do with a few of my close friends. With all of the digital stuff, it’s nice to have a tangible reminder that someone cares about you. From care packages to simple notes, it’s a really sweet thing to receive or to send off. Cute ‘just because’ gifts are always precious.

Consider sweet things, like writing a series of letters labeled ‘open when ___’ (e.g., when you’re having a rough day).

Read a book together.

Reading together is something I think is so intimate. Combine this with reading out loud to each other on a call, etc., and it can be a really enjoyable way to listen to your partner’s voice. Plus, you can trade off on who picks out the title, meaning you’re learning more about your partner and their likes than you might realize right away.

You can also read books one at a time and send them off to your partner. It’s fun to write cute notes in the margins – and a good excuse to send other tangible things!

Give each other little tasks.

Even without power exchange, completing tasks can bring a sense of fulfillment. These can be loving, fun, or sexy. If you know that, say, your partner struggles with putting away laundry, you can encourage them with rewards – or even punishments if they don’t complete the task.

Consider making plans for when you’ll get to see each other.

Right now, we need things to look forward to. It’s been a really hard year and most of us don’t know when we’re going to be able to see or visit many people we care about.

One thing that has given me a lot of joy has been planning a secluded getaway with Sir where COVID-19 can be the last thing on both of our minds. I don’t have to think about it for work or personally, and neither do they. Being in a spot where we’re not going to be able to really use our phones forces us to unplug. Thankfully, I think we both could really use that.

Lastly? Keep communicating, even when it feels awkward.

Look, communicating effectively can be really awkward. You might feel like you’re asking questions that seem silly or like things you should already know. It gets easier the more you continue to communicate. Thankfully, awkwardness is usually pretty endearing, too!

Strong Can Go Wrong, Especially in Chronic Illness

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I often feel like a walking oxymoron. I teach people about communication, yet don’t always do a great job communicating effectively. Even though I talk about improving relationships, I tend to avoid working on my own. Perhaps one of the biggest issues, though, is that despite living in chronic pain for the vast majority of my life, I struggle to tell people about my pain.

Growing up in an abusive home, I quickly learned that I wasn’t expected to be my own person. Instead, I was expected to provide comfort and solace for others. That has affected every single day of my life thus far and, despite all the work I’ve done to grow, will probably be a factor until the day I die. It’s caused fights, even with how much I know I can and should share.

It isn’t just that I struggle to show my weak points to others… although, it’s naturally hard to be that vulnerable with others. For me, though, it runs into the conditioning I grew up with, and that’s a hard series of indoctrinations that’s not easy to move past.

Even though I’ve made a name for myself by sharing things with random strangers on the internet – hi! – I still would rather listen to others than talk. Hell, I literally work for an organization where I problem-solve for fellow disabled and chronically ill people and help them feel heard.

At home, I listen to every noise our guinea pigs make. We completely get each other, and I know when they’re asking for snacks. When they get frustrated or annoyed, I can tell and change things up accordingly.

My husband is… another story.

A decade ago, we sat in his car listening to music. He told me how he wanted to be here for me – to share in the burden of my illnesses. For such a long time, I was used to fighting things alone and that was taking its toll on our relationship.

The problem is that we’re both listeners. When we hurt, we both turn inward and crave isolation over interacting with others. I tend to do this with physical pain or when I’m dealing with a Post-Traumatic Stress episode. I may not always be in the best headspace, but it’s usually something that passes quickly.

TJ’s major depression doesn’t operate like that.

In recent years, he’s been able to start sharing more about what he’s facing. Often, though, I have to pull information out like dentists pull teeth. Each nugget of information sits there waiting for these invisible verbal pliers that, combined with reassuring snuggles, finally get the job done.

Every time his depression gets worse, so does my physical pain. Naturally, I haven’t shared that with him because it would be easy to use that as an excuse to avoid sharing… well, it could be if TJ was married to someone who couldn’t read him well.

When TJ shares things with me freely and openly, it changes the dynamics of our relationship. We stop being two people trying to protect each other by denying what we’re each facing. Instead, like adults, we accept each other’s illnesses and try to help where we can.

If that’s not the best reason to be more forthcoming with our own personal struggles, I don’t know what is.

Make sure to check out Lene’s piece, When Strong Gets In The Way. If you missed our Facebook Live, you can always watch it below:

No Shouldn’t Need An Explanation

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a femme with orange hair in the mountains; they have their eyes closed and have their left hand on the back of their head in contemplation; to the right of the photo is white space with teal text: "No Shouldn't Need An Explanation" and "Chronic Sex" - this piece is about a play party

I recently went to my first play party. I had a really fun time but struggled with something I don’t think should’ve happened.

Wait, what’s a play party?

A play party, for those who don’t know, can also be called an orgy. In my opinion, that’s a really limited view of what happens. It’s a social event that can involve kink, BDSM, and sexual activity. Attendees can spend time catching up or participate in play going on.

Sometimes this can be limited by requiring a membership, being in the know, etc. Since we were at a sexuality conference, I knew or at least knew of most people who were there. A couple I had met briefly the day before was really the only exception. I felt safe and comfortable, although slightly nervous about being at my first event.

Setting the scene

Being unsure about being in the middle of my first play party, I hung towards the back for a while. I’m an ambivert but find myself going more introverted in situations that are new to me.

The couple I’d recently met spent time with me and I found them pleasant to talk with. The husband asked if he could flirt with me which I was fine with, though I didn’t feel he was actually flirting with me. Everyone has a different definition of flirting and I’ve found a lot of people think that’s pleasant conversation versus compliments, etc.

He then asked if I was interested in anything else. I explained that I’m really new to this and want to take things slowly. Other than impact play that I’ve done before and flirting, I wasn’t really interested in doing more at this play party. While I shouldn’t have needed to explain, I did – it’s something I do even for the smallest things. Growing up in an abusive household, I needed an explanation for the tiniest things.

Eventually, I went over and was talking to friends and spending time with them. We were getting closer to the end of the party. After they talked together, the wife of this couple came over to proposition me. The husband was watching and it felt… slimy-ish? I said no thanks, that I wasn’t in that sort of place right now.

Within 20 minutes, the two of them came up to me together after again conferring. I was invited back to their room but declined the invitation. At this point, I began to get uncomfortable. The husband pushed further asking if I would be interested in watching them play together in their room, etc. I once again explained that I wasn’t ready for those kinds of things.

I did then participate in play a little right at the end of the night. A friend flogged me and it was so amazing. This couple was very intently watching, but I was able to shake my feelings about that once the flogging started.

The aftermath

The next morning, I presented a panel which went super well. As I was packing up to head to grab some food, the husband approached me again to apologize for the night before. He blamed it on alcohol… which essentially blamed this all on his wife because he doesn’t drink.

If I hadn’t already felt awkward about the situation, that definitely did it. I’ve already been groomed to be a people pleaser, so telling these people no in the first place was hard. To have to do it at a conference full of sex educators was odd as well, even if the couple involved were there because of friends and not for their jobs.

Rooming with amazing people, I was able to talk through some of my feelings that day. None of us felt great about that. I am very lucky to have had other amazing chronically ill sex educators to room with who completely got why I felt iffy about the whole thing.

They then followed me across social media, tried to add me on FB, and sent me a few messages. By they, I, of course, mean the husband from joint social accounts. I was honestly concerned that I was going to run into them at my workshop a few weeks later back in Toronto because of that, but they didn’t come to that.

I’ve now blocked them on everything (as far as I know) so I feel safer discussing this. I’ve also had time to talk to my therapist and my friends to process this.

Play parties respect boundaries

I think the biggest thing I’m struggling with is the lack of recognition and respect for my boundaries. It’s a new feeling since boundaries are something I didn’t grow up with. To go from having no boundaries growing up or even minimal boundaries ten years ago to trusting my instincts here? That’s really big for me.

No shouldn’t need an explanation. It especially shouldn’t need one at a play party that’s a safe space and full of other educators and sex-positive people. And I shouldn’t have to say no several times. Pressuring someone into sexual activity is not okay, ever.

If someone has said no to you about taking part in sexual activity with them, do not ask again.

Vaguebooking and Subtweeting Are Valid Communications Techniques

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

blue background with white text box and blue text: "Vaguebooking and Subtweeting Are Valid Communications Techniques" and "Chronic Sex"

TW talking about repercussions of abuse

Vaguebooking and subtweeting are two techniques in the world of communictions that get a lot of shit. This is when someone talks about a situation or another person without sharing specifics. Many people see these as passive-aggressive techniques. However, it only seems as though they do that when they feel targeted by these writings.

A classic example of these techniques is when someone writes about a situation they experienced at work without naming names. If we’re supportive of those situations, why are so many people against these methods for other situations?

There are many reasons why someone might engage with the world via subtweets and vaguebooking. Some of us can’t bring up conflict directly due to abuse and other circumstances. It’s important to honor that, especially when we’re working through it. My therapists have discussed this method with me as a way for me to handle things that bring on negative emotions. WIthout engaging in these methods, I wind up holding a lot of anger in – which increases my stress and physical pain.

On top of that, I’m terrible at conflict. Growing up in abuse tends to do that to people.

Sometimes, I won’t bring up an issue directly because I’m concerned about harming someone’s feelings. This is especially the case if a situation brought up a systemic issue – which it does more often than not for me. Other times, we engage in this to maintain our privacy.

Why are people upset about these anyway?

Well, part of it has to do with a lack of empathy for others. This may sound like a joke, but it absolutely isn’t. Friends know that this is something that I need to do for me and both my mental and physical health. They know that I will mentally and physically have a difficult time if I don’t release my emotions. When I subtweet or vaguebook, I do it because I have to get my feels out – but also because I don’t want to directly harm someone’s feelings.

A lot of it has to do with tone as well. I don’t think people are great at reading tone in writing. I gave a quick heads up recently to another patient about using ableist language including a link on said language. Everyone knows that I can be incredibly mean, but this was very kind and worded nicely. Assuming that I was angry, I’ve been on the receiving end of a (now muted) series of tweets accusing me of being a horrible person.

… which I feel like just solidifies my decision to subtweet and vaguebook honestly. Why would I share something with someone directly if I wind up getting harmed over and over again?

For those who have the energy today, I highly suggest reading this thread from one of my favorite people, Coffee Spoonie.

two tweets from CoffeeSpoonie: "Subtweets have made me into a better person, tbh. It might be too hard for someone to criticize you directly or they don't have the energy, or ur part of a larger trend that needs addressing."

It’s from October, but so timeless. She goes on to share how she adjusts what she does and says based on subtweets that involve her as a person of privilege.

Subtweets, vaguebooking, and callouts – oh my!

Each of these is an amazingly effective communication technique for people in marginalized communities. As a queer disability activist, I’ve been able to use these methods in addition to callouts to let companies, organizations, and individuals know when they’re harming entire communities that may otherwise not be heard. I’m certainly privileged in many ways, but callouts have worked for me around my marginalizations – and for me to help others understand why the ‘joke’ they just made was racist.

I’m not the only one.

Riley has a great piece where they discuss the issues around callouts – and how it’s not the culture that’s wrong, but people who tone police marginalized communities:

The idea of “calling out”, first and foremost, came from Black femmes on social media who were being violently harassed every single day… The idea of “calling out”, first and foremost, came from Black femmes on social media who were being violently harassed every single day. That was the original goal of a call-out. To make someone stop harassing you.

When you shit on calling-out, you shit on Black femmes doing whatever they can to prevent harassment, and that’s supremely fucked up. Talk about MISUSE, not about the concept itself.

Call-outs aren’t what’s toxic. Those who have appropriated it for their own shitty ends ARE.

Shaun Scott shares more information about anti-callout BS:

What many critics call “call-out culture” is actually a past-due moral balance being called in. With interest added. Had our pain been spoken more consistently over a longer period of time, perhaps our anger would be a manageable trickle, and not an avalanche. But we never asked for the condition that required us to remain silent in the first place. Oppressed groups once lived with the destruction of keeping quiet. We’ve decided that the collateral damage of speaking up—and calling out—is more than worth it…

In the end, there is no imagined community that “call-out culture” corrupts; no solid consensus that it dissipates. All the dreaded call-out does is expose fissures that already exist between those who need change and those who say they want it. If the rhetorical identification of privilege and racism is on its own enough to alienate people who claim to be progressives, there’s good reason to assume that they were never as progressive as they claimed to be in the first place.

The criticism of our peers should not be enough to drive us to the arms of our enemies. Unless of course we secretly wanted to end up there anyway.

Judgments hurt, not justice

Calling those of us who participate in these issues terrible shows that you misunderstand callouts, subtweeting, and vaguebooking. As Eve Peyser writes for Gizmodo, “You can do nice subtweets. You can do profound subtweets. You can do beautiful, artful subtweets. You can do benign subtweets. Multitudes.”

Peyser gives an example of a tweet where they talk about an interaction with their mother, supplementing it with the following: “I get why people mistake subtweeting for talking about someone behind their back, I do, but online, there is no metaphorical “back.” For example, here I subtweet my mom. I’m not talking about her behind her back. I’m also not saying it to her face. Like with any other tweet, I am shouting it into the void. Ultimately, the subtweet is never for the person who it’s about. It’s for your audience. ”

Or, for many of us, for ourselves – for self-care.

Bottom line

If these types of communication aren’t for you, that’s fine. You don’t have to participate – just like you don’t have to get ‘gay married’ or have an abortion. You can unfollow or unfriend people like me who use these for a multitude of reasons. That’s fine.

What you cannot do is tell me and Lebron that we’re not allowed to subtweet something simply because you don’t like it.

Yes/No/Maybe: Setting Sexual Boundaries

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of two people who appear to be POC - one femme and one masc - wearing dark shirts and holding a lit sparkler together in front of a lake; under photo with some overlap at bottom of photo is a reddish ragged text box with white cursive-like script "Yes/No/Maybe" - under this is a yellow text box with reddish text "SETTING SEXUAL BOUNDARIES" and "Chronic Sex"

One of the best facilitators for communication around sexual acts is a yes/no/maybe list. Essentially, this lays out a number of sexual acts as well as language around anatomy. You rank them and can discuss more with your partner.

There are so many versions of this list out there, and they all vary around different things. Some are kink-based while others are centered around polyamory, risk-aware sex practices, or other things. There are lists that give you ideas to rate and others that are blank. There is certainly value in both, depending on what you’re into.

Here are some of my favorite yes/no/maybe lists.

Bex over at Bex Talks Sex has one of my favorite lists. Like me, Bex organizes things with differences in color and text. They’ve got lists for sexual acts, kinky acts, language, and a really comprehensive list of things you can build your list from. There are more nuances in Bex’s categories, too – it’s not just a yes/no/maybe list. It’s a yes-into/yes-willing/maybe/soft-no/hard-no list. I think that fits real life a lot better. A person after my own heart, Bex has a downloadable PDF as well as an excel sheet.

That said, just because I nerd out over Bex’s list doesn’t mean it’s the right list for everyone.

Autostraddle has a great worksheet that also touches upon what lube ingredients you can/can’t/won’t use and a Venn diagram of sexy activities partners have in common.

Scarleteen’s list includes words and activities that can be triggering, relationship models, risk-aware sex practices, and even birth control. It’s a really great list, and I love just about everything on their site.

Poly Notes on Tumblr has a list that focuses on what activities are okay for people to do in non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships. They even suggest having a list that is for a couple to do together and a separate one for how comfortable they are with those actions involving other people.

Sunny Megatron also has a great list that showcases different activities. It is just a list of activities though, and you would need to create your own worksheet (or use another one listed here).

Each of these lists has great information and there are things on most of them that are unique.

Something to keep in mind is that these things change. Lists don’t have to be set in stone. It’s fine to alter them and even revisit them from time to time. I went through and used Bex’s template for mine and I feel like I have a better understanding of what my maybes and nos are specifically. I added a tab for activities with people other than my partner, triggers, and body/emotional boundaries.

That’s one thing I love about these lists – it’s incredibly easy to add or subtract things based on your lifestyle.