Category: guest post

Jamison Hill: Sex and Sickness

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This guest post comes to us from the amazing Jamison Hill and is reposted with permission from his website Jamison Writes. I first heard about Jamison through Medicine X. Ryan Prior was also attending so, in the days leading up to MedX, I watched Ryan’s documentary Forgotten Plague about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Jamison fell ill with ME/CFS in 2010, bringing his career as a personal trainer and bodybuilder to a halt. After Forgotten Plague came out, Jamison’s health went downhill even more. Both Ryan and Jamison sent me this post and I knew we had to share it here.

*While this blog post contains some content that may be too explicit for some people, it is my belief that if one is intelligent enough to read and understand the words in this post then he or she is mature enough to handle the subject matter as well. Having said that, reader discretion is advised (especially my family members who don’t want to know about my sex life).

At 28 I can count all the women I’ve had sex with on two hands. I’ve never been one for one night stands (except that one time in college), yet I’ve never been one for long-term relationships either. But for some reason I didn’t miss sex until I got sick, probably because it was more attainable back then. It was an option.

As much as I’d love to knock boots with a lovely young lady, at the moment there are many barriers in my way. For starters, I don’t wear boots, or any footwear for that matter. And even if there was a willing participant, much of the romance and lust of climbing into bed with someone would be lost with one person already in bed, living there indefinitely.

I will say, however, my sickbed has not been entirely empty. On a few occasions over the past year and a half I have had snuggle buddies. There have been three, in fact.

These relationships, although very emotional at times, have amounted to the sexual encounters of a middle schooler. My first cuddle companion (can you tell I enjoy alliteration?) was a friend from college. We met at the tail end of school after I had already been sick with mono for a year and somehow managed to finish my final semester with ailing health. We hung out a few more times before I got really sick. Then last year she came and stayed with me for a few weeks while I was unable to speak, chew food, or sit up in bed. Here’s an excerpt from my unpublished memoir detailing one of the nights we spent together. I used a pseudonym to protect her privacy.

After getting lost, we arrive at the new house perched atop a mountain ridge overlooking the Central Valley. I have no idea what the new house or its view look like, but apparently they’re pretty great. Carried onto the deck, I hear someone say, “Wow, look at that view.”

Inside, shoveled into my new bed, my view is of the ceiling. This changes when everyone leaves and Sasha crawls into bed with me.

“Now that wasn’t too bad.”

I look at her cockeyed.

“Okay, okay, we did get lost, but you’re fine.”

I look at her even more cockeyed.

“Ah, okay, you’re not fine, but you’re alive.”

I smile politely.

“So how come you haven’t kissed me yet?” She asks, shocking me as only she can.

The word “boyfriend” comes to mind, but I take the question as rhetorical and a direct challenge, maybe even an invitation. The idea of kissing Sasha controls my brain, spreading through my body like a virus that can’t be stopped until the idea is carried out.

Time nearly stops and my body enters slow-motion as I move to Sasha’s side of the pillow. My hand makes the difficult journey to Sasha’s cheek, making my brain buzz and heart thump loudly throughout my body. So much is going on, my lungs start to burn. My breathing becomes labored, reminding me of all the times late at night when I would pop in my earbuds and sprint up the outside steps at Stevenson Hall on the SSU campus. My vital signs are erratic. I consider retreating, but instead, gently press my hand against Sasha’s cheek, tucking my fingers behind her ear. My lips conform perfectly to hers. No awkward fumbling around, just a well-placed kiss, and oh what a kiss. There’s no champagne or fireworks, but there is a long overdue connection between us. I can’t speak for Sasha, but for me kissing her is freeing. No longer am I a prisoner in my own body, stuck in a bed within a dark room of an unfamiliar house. I’m free, a genie freed from his lamp, a bird with a healed wing. For a short time, I’m free of the muscle pain and crippling weakness, free of the horrible nausea and brain fog. Never did I think kissing would have such a salutary effect at this stage of my life. But it does and I know not to question it, because I also know where there is deprivation there also may be great rewards.

Sasha and I breathe each other in as our lips part and we return to our respective ends of the pillow, our eyes nervously fixed on one another like teenagers. My pulse gradually slows. I take a deep breath, calming my body. Having collected myself, I motion for Sasha to come back to me because, well, I want to be free just a little longer.

Sasha left shortly after that night. It was crushing to have someone see me so vulnerable, then become so close to me only to leave abruptly. In retrospect, however, it made sense as many things do in hindsight. She did, after all, have a boyfriend. I haven’t seen her since. But eventually a new snuggle buddy entered my life – an ex-girlfriend. Let’s call her Mia. She was my first legitimate girlfriend in high school, and unbeknownst to me until recently (or I forgot), I was her first kiss.

One day in spring 2015, during a stretch of the sickest I’ve ever been, Mia sent me a text message. I was too sick to read it at the time, but someone spotted it on my phone and read it to me. It said how she had always cared for me even in the intervening years after we broke up and before I got sick. For months I crafted a response to her in my head. Then around Christmas of that year I was finally able to use my phone again. So I sent her this message:

Two years ago I found your school photo I kept in my car sophomore year. You looked gorgeous. Those piercing eyes of yours, tan skin, and that sweet smile. Oh, and the hilarious innuendo on the back all made me be a creep and keep it. I started using the photo as a bookmark. But then my irrational fear of having to explain myself while reading in public kept haunting me. I would take it to the harbor and I thought surely someone would ask about it. Then I’d have to explain how it was a photo of a girl I dated a decade ago. So when I got really sick you were fresh in my mind. And then you sent the sweetest message a few months ago and honestly Mia, I needed it. I was so sick and so lonely and you were so thoughtful and so lovely. I needed to know there was a beautiful soul out in the world who cared about me. What I’m trying to say is you are awesome and I’m borderline creepy.

Soon our text messages turned from cordial to flirting to downright erotic. Okay, I’ll say it, we were “sexting.” Now if you’re wondering how (or if) a sick guy gets off on erotic text messages, well, I’ll leave it to your imagination, except to say it’s fun (and often necessary) for a little while, then it feels like the world’s worst hangover for much, much longer.

After several weeks of texting (and “sexting”) each other, Mia finally came to visit and within an hour she climbed into bed with me.

To be continued . . . .

This post is a part of a series. Please check out part 2 on Jamison’s site and be on the lookout for part 3, coming soon.

top 10

Top 10 Symptoms You May Have If You Have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

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Top 10 Symptoms You May Have If You Have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction
 
1. Inability to Orgasm

The frustration of this symptom knows no bounds. The desire is there. The arousal is there. All of the parts that make sex work for you are present, but you’re always at the edge of the cliff and can’t quite fall over. For me, that started nearly 10 years ago. I incorrectly attributed this dysfunction as stressing out over the fact that we moved in with my husband’s elderly father in a home with very thin walls. I thought this was why I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy our interludes. It progressed steadily to the point of being ready to make the fall off the orgasmic cliff peak, but it steadily progressed to pain – a cramp in the vicinity of my butt cheek, thigh or hip. Then I was done. Kaput. Finished. End Scene.

 
2. Pulling of Internal Scar Tissue

If you have ever had a child, a miscarriage, an abortion, have had a hysterectomy or any other surgical procedures on your lady parts, there is minimal evidence of these ordeals visible to the naked eye unless you’re looking for them. The internal damage can’t be seen but it can be felt and it shouldn’t. The scar tissue will occasionally pull. You’ll feel a twinge or a pinch internally when you stretch, or sneeze or maybe even laugh too long. This is not normal and should be mentioned to your health care provider. Preferably a physician whose sole practice revolves around issues of women’s health. Ask about your pelvic wall.

3. Painful Penetration During Intercourse

Your vagina and muscles of the pelvic wall have elasticity. It’s what allows a baby’s head to pass through the birth canal and enter the world. So there’s no reason a penis shouldn’t fit no matter its width or girth. If at any time entry becomes more difficult than you normally experience, the likely culprit is pelvic wall muscles that have the inability to relax. This is true for both vaginal and anal sex. With enough lubricant, insertion is possible. However, each successive encounter will become increasingly more difficult.

4. Radiating Pain

Pain that is all encompassing in your rump but travels. Up to your low back, down the back of the thigh but not past your knee. It can also travel sideways to involve the hip joint or close to the anus. Wiping after a bowel movement can be painful. This symptom is where a surplus of misdiagnosis occurs. It mimics any condition associated with sciatica and other pinched nerve syndromes.

5. Pain Bone Deep

I had the most difficult time trying to explain to my Orthopedist who misdiagnosed my condition as Sciatica that the pain in my ass hurt so bad it went bone deep. Discussing this with my Physiatrist, she says this is a common complaint. The bones connected to your pelvic wall hurt beyond my ability to properly describe without using language more commonly suited for sailor’s. It’s pretty much constant, and at my worst I went 4 days without a wink of shut-eye. Walking, sitting, on your stomach, kneeling, or flat on your back, there is no relief. My husband would boil water to pour in the bathtub so I could sit in water as hot as I could stand it. The relief lasted for only as long as I was in the tub. The medications I was taking didn’t provide any relief at all.

picture of a model of the muscles of the pelvic wall - minus bladder and reproductive organs - After Darkk
A picture of a model of the muscles of the pelvic wall, sans bladder and reproductive organs
6. Unexplained Lower Back Pain

Your back hurts. For no apparent reason, and not every day, you have low back pain. It really is surprising how many other muscles are attached to the pelvic floor. The pain could be from full kidneys because you can’t void or from full bowels because you can’t eliminate. However, your unexplained low back pain could be an early warning sign if you don’t have any of the other symptoms. If you have other symptoms, make sure you communicate effectively with your health care provider.

7. Inability to Void Your Bladder

Overactive bladder urge is a common symptom with pelvic floor dysfunction. You feel as if you need to go frequently, but no matter how hard you try, you get no relief. No amount of straining will provide relief. Some women have such severe pelvic wall dysfunction they have to use a catheter at home. Never, under any circumstances, should you ever need to use your abdominal muscles to push urine from your bladder. If this is a something you have to do in order to urinate, mention this problem to a health care provider.

 
8. Inability to Eliminate Your Bowels

Constipation takes on a whole new meaning. There’s not enough Metamucil in the world to provide aid. Your flat abs start looking like food belly. Or in your second trimester of pregnancy. This can cause secondary health issues if the condition is prolonged. The health experts say a person should have at least one good bowel movement a day. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing good about a bowel movement. Straining to have a bowel movement isn’t uncommon but coming up rabbit pellets is an indication something is wrong.

 
9. Weight Gain and Fluid Retention

Stepping on a scale and seeing almost 30 pounds extra in a 90-day window can be quite shocking. Both for the person standing on the scale and the doctor reviewing your health records. The unusual part, and yet another warning sign, is that your sizes stay the same. You won’t need bigger britches or a bigger bra. You may need a bigger ring or a more comfortable shoe. It’s water weight from the inability to void your bladder. My weight will fluctuate nearly 15 pounds either way on any given day depending on my ability to use the bathroom.

 
10. Painful Pap Smears

One of the things I’ve learned through all of this which left me hanging my jaw open in speechlessness was this: Did you know there is absolutely no medical necessary reason under the sun for any physician to perform a Pap smear using a Speculum? They can be done without them. Since the birth of my first child, I have absolutely detested going to for a Pap smear because they hurt. The Qtip to gather tissue didn’t bother me at all. It was the insertion of the speculum, then the spreading of the medical device. My DPT teaches classes on this noninvasive technique. If pain during a Pap smear is something you experience, there is no need. Make a few telephone calls and find a physician in your area who can do them without using a speculum.

I would like to thank Kirsten for allowing me to be a guest on her blog. My hope is the readers have said no to all of these numbered symptoms. If you answered yes to even one of them, please consider an evaluation by a pelvic health expert.

Head on over to my homepage and subscribe to my blog for great posts on pelvic wall dysfunction, sexual wellness, relationships, personal pleasure device reviews, and author recommendations. Subscribe for updates if you’d like. You can also follow me on Twitter @afterrdarkk.

Broken, After Dark

Broken is the pseudonym for the author of blog posts on AfterrDarkk.com who can trace the beginning of her sexual dysfunction to almost 10 years ago. After 8 years of self-advocacy and numerous doctors, she was able to get to a physician who was willing to listen to her complaints and actually understand them. Her husband also suffers from a rare neurological disorder called S.U.N.C.T. so she’s no stranger to problems that occur in the bedroom through no fault of your own.

Featured photo via Sam Churchill/Flickr (via Wylio.com)

Sexual Dysfunction Isn’t Just a Dude Issue

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Our amazing friends at xsandos.net sent this graphic on sexual dysfunction our way. Sexual dysfunction, especially among females and others, is incredibly under-discussed.

When it comes to problems with intimacy and sexual relations, men often get the focus—why they can’t find pleasure in sex and what’s inhibiting their satisfaction. But women and others experience problems with sex even more so than men. It may range from disinterest in sex itself to difficulty, even pain, in reaching climax. Even so, many people don’t feel comfortable talking about problems they might be having.

That’s too bad because there might be concrete physical reasons why people don’t feel pleasure in sex. Their hormone levels may have decreased, leading to physical changes in the body that affect sex. They may have a chronic physical or mental condition that also inhibits sexual pleasure. But there are steps that we can take to help improve our sex lives. This graphic is a good place to start.

Not Just a Man’s World Sexual Dysfunction Among Women

How do you deal with sexual dysfunction?

Perimenopause and Chronic Illness

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This guest post comes to us from Cathy Kramer of The Life and Adventures of Cateepoo.

Photo courtesy of Health Central

For many of us, our diagnosis came way too soon. Before our time we felt old, worn out, and tied to medications. Our bodies experienced changes due to our disease that we weren’t emotionally ready to handle. And just when we feel our bodies have experienced the worst, along comes perimenopause. According to Dr. Christine Northrup, perimenopause is the five to ten years leading up to menopause. For some women, it may even last 13 years.  (Please, no!!!) For me, perimenipausal symptoms started at around 45 years old with a few hot flashes in the morning. Three years later, I’m adding to the list of never-ending symptoms.

Talking to a few women my age, it appears the symptoms vary depending on who you are. One friend is several years older than me and hasn’t experienced any symptoms whatsoever. Another friend sees me at school fanning myself at 9:00 in the morning in an air conditioned building, laughs, and says, “You are where I was several years back.” With her, I want to ask every question I can because, to be honest, perimenopause feels a little lonely. Apparently, a lot of women feel uncomfortable talking about it. Not me. I have always prided myself on knowing my body well and right now, I have no clue how to help it or what it plans to do next.

Before I complain too much about perimenopause or scare young women away, I do want to confirm that there are amazing benefits to this phase of your life. 

Often times your relationships are solid or you have realized it is time to move on and are making new relationships, you are aware of your individual strengths as a person, professionally you are established, you might have finally found that spiritual balance you have been searching for, and if you don’t look in the mirror or see photos of yourself, you feel pretty darn proud of your accomplishments. It’s those photos that really weigh me down. Combined with medications for rheumatoid arthritis, I’ve gained a lot of weight and despite trying to lose it, it’s not going anywhere. I had many years where I limped everywhere I went due to a swollen knee and I thought that was bad. The difference is when someone sees you limping with a swollen knee due to an autoimmune system, it’s accepted. Sympathy even comes with it. Being overweight due to hormonal issues often just leaves people thinking you have “given up” on yourself.  I haven’t!

Body image in the bedroom has definitely been worse for me than my worst rheumatoid arthritis days. I am not ashamed to admit that I like sex, so even on days with extreme joint pain, it was worth a little more pain to move stiff joints around for the thrill that comes with an orgasm. Perimenopause is so different. Despite wanting the lights off now, you can’t because you have to see where you have put the lube. (If you have hit perimenopause, you know what I am talking about.)

Besides body image and sex issues, when you are part of the chronic illness world you have to also consider whether or not the supplements you experiment with will interfere with the medications you are on. I remember telling my young female rheumatologist that I was taking chasteberry to help my symptoms. She had no clue what I was talking about.

Again, you feel like this is a journey you are taking alone.

I don’t want to feel alone on this journey. For many of us, perimenopause, just like our chronic illness, is not going to be easy. We need to know there is support out there.

So, I am curious, how do you handle body image and sexual issues mixed with chronic illness?

Let’s unite and share.  For many of us, we are now in a new phase of life that is very different from other women because we have already faced so many hurdles with our individual diseases and many times the needs we have overlap and/or conflict.

Guest Post: Maintaining Intimacy Despite Chronic Illness

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I am a firm believer that intimacy and desire are actually fueled by what can be found in a person’s heart — their goodness as well as their sex appeal, their overall compassion and strength as well as their physical attributes.

But when my chronic illnesses are whipping me about like an untethered sail, I tend to feel like I’ve lost every aspect of who I once was, and that often includes my normal desire for intimacy. I feel unattractive and, at times, unlovable. I don’t want to be touched. I want to hide myself from everyone, including me.

I am in pain, unable to sleep, and I’m the first to admit that these things don’t exactly spur romantic inclinations. Intimacy can feel like just one more obstacle course I must navigate when it hurts to move.

Dealing with chronic illness can eat away at my inner resolve, bringing about a feeling of isolation (because nobody truly understands what I am feeling) and fueling my fear that I am no longer a sexual being.

When you are feeling well, it is fairly easy to accentuate the positive and feel attractive for your spouse or partner. But when you suffer with chronic illnesses your appearance can evolve into that of someone you don’t recognize.

With dark circles under my eyes and a frightening amount of hair loss, I feel as though I look like some sort of deranged Muppet. I find myself avoiding mirrors and I wonder how on earth my husband could stand to look at me.

But I have to say, for the most part, these feelings of being unattractive because of my chronic illness are my issue and mine alone. My husband does not see me the way I see myself when I look in the mirror.

I realized this when I caught him staring at me one evening as we sat watching television. “Oh no,” I thought. “He sees me… all raw and withered from this horrible illness.”

Did I look extra tired? Did I look fat, because exercise is so difficult when I am always in pain? Did I look unattractive because my hair is so thin now? I pondered every possible thing wrong with me that he could be looking at, imagining what he was thinking.

Then he said something amazing.

“Do you know how beautiful you are?”

Time stood still for a moment. I blinked and shook my head in disagreement. Didn’t he see the dry, thin hair and bald spots on my head?  Didn’t he see the bags under my eyes or the new creases on my face?  He couldn’t miss the look of endless fatigue in my eyes… or could he?

The truth is, I wish I could see myself the way he sees me. In that moment I felt unlovable for many reasons beyond my appearance. I felt he deserved so much more than the woman sitting before him, struggling for survival from the pain. I felt I might be losing every battle I was fighting. I felt like I was not the wife I wanted to be, either on the inside or in my outwardly appearance. I felt unworthy of any compliment.

But here is the lesson in all of this: some of the intimacy problems those of us with chronic illness experience are caused by our own self-loathing. Yes, there is pain, and that has a legitimate effect on how open we feel to intimacy, but often much of what squelches our desire is how we see ourselves.

Do you see yourself as a sexy partner or as a complaining burden?

Yes, you may be in pain and feel like you’re not the person you once were, but you are still you. Sometimes feeling sexy takes effort. It takes seeing yourself as a sexual, desirable being and being kind to yourself.

Here are a few tips to change your outlook and improve your intimacy:

  • Remember that feelings aren’t facts. You may feel less attractive because of your illness, but it is not always as visible on the outside as we think it is.
  • Remember that you are loveable and you deserve praise and compliments just as much as anyone else. People who love you see beyond the illness. They see the beauty in your heart and how you live your life. They see that facing each day and pushing through is proof of your strength and that is sexy.
  • Take your time. You have the right to feel every emotion and process the experience of being a chronic illness warrior at your own speed. If you are newly diagnosed with a chronic illness it may be difficult to move beyond the emotions you initially feel. This is natural, but do not allow them to set up housekeeping within you. Eventually, you need to focus on all that you still can do and all that you are. You are more than your illness.
  • Take the time to take care of you. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good about your appearance, accomplishments, or simply feel more relaxed. Get a massage if that helps to ease pain or get your hair done if that makes you feel better about your reflection in the mirror. Try and take care of yourself as you did before you got sick.
  • Focus on two things you love about yourself. Think of them at least once a day and compliment yourself on them, so that this positive voice is the one in your head — not the negative one that tells you all that is wrong with you.
  • Keep communication with your partner open. If certain positions, movements, or specific activity hurts you or is just too difficult when you are not feeling well, discuss alternatives with your partner. Openly talking about your desires and feelings can actually increase intimacy between partners and improve their understanding of how you feel… which is knock-dead sexy.

You may need to practice these supportive, complimentary affirmations to overcome the negativity that goes hand-in-hand with any chronic illness.  Those who battle pain each day, or illness that impacts multiple aspects of their life, often have difficulty feeling their normal, typical levels of desire.

But remember, desire often begins by feeling good about yourself as well as being connected to your partner, so don’t let your struggle get the upper hand in how you feel about yourself or your relationship.

Offer loving care to yourself first, and remember you are more than your illness.

Barbara Leech is a mother of four who has battled lupus for more than 30 years. Also diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, she considers herself a survivor of all things: chronic illness, divorce, starting over. She is passionate about family, faith and small victories. You can find more of her writing on NewLifeOutlook.