This post discusses little space (as in DD/lg or DD/lb dynamics with no discussion of the DD aspect), a lack of consent RE headspace, and medical trauma.

I had a super interesting realization in May, thanks to my partners.

I have POTS – Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It’s a type of dysfunction in the autonomic nervous system. The main symptom is that people struggle with positional changes. According to Healthline, “your body doesn’t send the right signals to your brain and heart when you change position. This results in an increased heart rate of up to 30 bpm higher than usual. This can make you feel like you need to sit or lie back down.”

Other symptoms include fatigue, shortness of breath, nausea, weakness, chest pain, and temperature issues. I struggle with all of the above, but especially temperature regulation. It’s one way I know my POTS is acting up.

Some of the things that can help include wearing compression socks, eating smaller amounts but more often, and upping both your salt and fluid intake. Getting better sleep can help, too.

Tell that to any of us in a pandemic, right?

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with little space.

It’s absolutely a fair question.

On a Wednesday after work, I passed out. I sat down and overheated. It didn’t hurt or anything but was still less than ideal. I slept for about an hour and woke up dealing with POTS symptoms. Not only that, but I was in a weird headspace and acting very childlike.

My nesting partner was not in the headspace to be big, and I was having trouble communicating. I texted my other partner who is also a sex educator to help my process the things I was realizing.

What ze and I came to discover was that this was my little space. Little space is a particular mindset many people who engage in age play find themselves in, but this headspace can also happen due to trauma and other factors. It’s a really easy way for us as adults to relieve stress. Things you might already do for comfort – like snuggling stuffys, coloring, watching cartoons, or eating foods you ate when you were little – can all be a part of incredibly healthy coping skills that just happen to involve little space.

Everyone’s experience of that space is different overall. Individual instances can be different, similar to drug experiences. Some people have a really healthy and comfortable relationship with this space; some don’t. While some folks are able to figure out what age their little stems from, others can’t. I know that my little brain comes from trauma. That version is usually the last age you felt truly safe. Depending on what I’m dealing with, my age is either prior to my trauma (around 2-4) or between incidences (8-10).

Honestly, a lot of my little side comes out when I’m stressed in ways I’ve been through before, like having to adult far too much. That is already a trigger for me because of having to be the voice of reason (or basically the adult) in my home at a young age… around 4.

It isn’t all centered around trauma. Like many people, I happily engage in activities that are comforting and involve age regression. I have a ton of coloring books, love watching cartoons, and plenty more.

The age regression I was experiencing here is likely because of the trauma of these symptoms, of not knowing my body. The first time I had POTS symptoms was in the summer of 2012, but they weren’t recognized until 2019. Even now, technically, it’s suspected rather than an official diagnosis because of the difficulty and inaccuracy at times of the tests involved.

I’ve spent several years scared of these symptoms, wondering what they were, and struggling with how they make me feel. That is, frankly, a ton of stress on its own without taking my laundry list of other conditions or stressors or any part of 2020 into account. I’m likely regressing to help my brain find safety.

Why did it feel so icky, though?

My brain logically understands why this happened, but at the moment it felt wrong. It’s taken me a while to unpack.

Usually, I either choose to get into this headspace or come to it naturally. It’s not uncommon to wake up in little space, either in the morning or from a nap… but there was something so foreign about this.

I think it was because I really had no warning. I did not go into this place with intent. It left me feeling as though I had engaged with something where I hadn’t given my consent to do so. That combined with the inherent trauma of these experiences clearly made this even more intense.

I didn’t intend to fall asleep. I didn’t intend to get too warm. Instead, I woke up dazed, confused, and without enough mental capacity to really process what was happening.

Since then, I’ve been able to keep track of my stress levels better. My therapist and I have started to work on processing trauma, especially when it’s related to patterns. Things like abandonment, the pressure to be the main/only adult in a situation, or situations where I’m doing far more than the fair share of things are all triggers as is.

Add the stress of finances, health crud, dysphoria, and a pandemic to that? It’s no wonder I had a rough time.

This was a really good reminder for me to check in and see what self-care looks like for me right now. I clearly need to do better in managing my POTS. I also need to focus on having more time to allow myself to be carefree (when that’s a possibility).