Category: question

Answering Your Questions #4

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

You have questions – I (sometimes) have answers.

two genderqueer people talk on a couch

S writes,

I don’t wanna seem mean because I love my husband. The problem: I married him knowing he had a small penis. The issue is a few years ago, he had a groin injury that has greatly reduced his size. It’s actually a turn off seeing him naked because there is nothing there. I can’t even feel if he goes in or not and most the time he can’t penatrate me because it’s so short and just pops in and out. Don’t wanna seem cruel but sex is an important part of a relationship and the only penetration I’ve had in 3 years is when he puts on a hollow strap on. I showed a pic to my very best friend I trust and she couldn’t believe it. Said she didn’t think it was possible for a man in shape like my husband to be that small. Really need advice on what I can or should do please.

This isn’t something that I’m really equipped to help with, though. I would strongly suggest reaching out to a sex therapist and discussing the issue with them. They can help you navigate what this might mean for your relationship with your partner and even help the two of you communicate around this.

I also want to say that it was not okay for you to show a photo of your husband’s penis to someone without his consent. I would strongly suggest that you share with him that you did so and apologize. While sex can be a healthy part of a relationship, it’s even more important to have trust in your partner – and to be honest if you’ve broken that trust.

one person looking at another as they look at their phone

W asks,

The days ago I had my first sexual intercourse. We did use condoms. Today when I woke up and went to the bathroom it felt like beginning of some infection down there and when I was wiping something like a bloody small (1mm maybe?) skin-tag like thing came out of my vaginal area. I started feeling like fainting as well. What could be the reason to that? And what is that small thingy?

Often when people begin having sex, it can take a while for the body to adjust to some of the sensations. If you’re not used to utilizing lubrication, you may want to start as it can help with that feeling. Here are a few articles to consider:

It could also be irritation as a reaction to the condoms, so check to see if you have a latex allergy.

As far as the skin tag-like thing, it’s likely a part of your hymen.

If things haven’t calmed down, I would suggest looking into seeing a medical provider.

photo of two people touch hands against one of their thighs - photo has been edited to look like its on a vhs

K asks,

The one thing that distracts me when I am trying to be intimate is my worry of how I feel for my partner. When it comes to penetration I always worry that I’m not tight enough. My ex’s last words to me was that i was really loose. It’s been eating me alive and ruining my sex life.

I’m really sorry that your ex made you feel that way. There is no one way to tell if someone is ‘tight’ enough – and even then, being ‘tight’ isn’t realistic. Vaginas are meant to expand and contract.
The time to worry about being ‘loose’ is actually if you are struggling with incontinence like leaking urine when you laugh, sneeze, etc. And you can actually have ‘too tight’ of a vagina. As someone who has been there, it’s the single most painful thing I’ve been through – surgeries included.
You could always ask your primary care provider or OB/GYN about seeing a pelvic floor therapist for evaluation if you’re concerned or, again, experiencing incontinence. Otherwise, your vagina is likely fine. If you’re concerned about how your partner might feel, share those feelings with them. It’s absolutely more than fine to do that – and you should. A therapist can likely help you reframe thoughts in order to share them.

photo of two people about to kiss with rosy filter

T asks,

I want to have sex with my ex. We have 3 boys together. It’s only been about 5 months and neither of us have seen or been seeing anyone. I know she likes spontaneous sex but sometimes it’s better to ask. She takes our boys to school then is home untill she has to pick them up. I’m pretty sure she wants to do what I’m asking is should I just show up or should I ask?

Always ask. Always. You also should be honest with her about why you’re interested in this – is this just for sex? Is it because you miss her? Honesty is going to be key to having any kind of relationship with her moving forward, even if there’s no sex at all.

two trans masc people at a bar, smiling at each other - filter applied to look older

M asks,

Why do i always get a feeling like I have to pee after i almost finish. Is this blue balls for girls? I don’t have a UTI i got tested

Without being a medical provider and examining you, I can’t say. Please visit a medical provider or Planned Parenthood for evaluation.

two people have a tense conversation on the couch - filter applied puts most things in black and white except a few things in the background

B asks,

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. Our relationship has always been on emotional side as sex is not accepted in our culture before marriage at all. We don’t even talk about it at all. We have tried couple of times and its very painful for me and not fun at all… We try and we give up. We are thinking about having a baby soon, and I want this experience to be fun and exciting.

First off, I would highly suggest reaching out to a medical provider or a sex therapist for an evaluation. You could be dealing with something medical that I’m not able to treat since I am not a healthcare provider. They can also help you find a way to deal with any body image issues you may also be having.

Secondly, in order to share with your partner what you’re dealing with and what you might rather be feeling, exploring some things is going to be key. If you have alone time, open up an incognito window and look into porn sites. You may want to start with something that is more audio-based first if it makes you feel more comfortable. Feel Good Filth (Spotify, Patreon, Twitter, YouTube, Reddit, website) is a great audio performer to start with. Figure out what kind of wording or scenarios turn you on. Then move to porn that’s more visual. Reddit boards have a lot of porn and you can easily make an account without much information on it to explore. You’re also going to need to explore which kinds of sensations your body responds to or that you find sexy. One reason you may be having pain with sexual activity is if you’re not very turned on. Your body likely isn’t going to produce as much lubrication then, meaning the sex won’t feel great. Look into purchasing lubrication like Uberlube as well.

Thirdly, you’re going to have to talk about sex with your partner at some point – even if it’s to say you’re in the mood or not in the mood, etc. Try to think about ways you can practice this. A therapist can help you do this as well – and help you find culturally competent resources to help you. If you’re in the US, Inclusive Therapists is a great way to find someone who will ‘get’ you.

 

photo of two people hold hands - photo has been edited to look like its old

A asks,

I’ve never had sex with a man but I’ve already used sex toys (e.g. dildo). My question is: am I still a virgin? Or does it make me not a virgin anymore?

Virginity is a concept and not a fact. That said, the use of toys doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be a virgin anymore.

two people snuggling in bed while drinking coffee

Takeaways

After answering a number of questions over the last year or so where I don’t have the answers, I really need to stress that y’all need to start communicating with your sexual partners more. Please.

I love answering questions and being able to help y’all, but some of these things I can’t even begin to address because I’m not your sexual partner.

bernie sanders - "i am once again ask for you to talk to your partners about your sex lives instead of asking a stranger"

Answering Your Questions #3

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

It’s time to answer more questions! Keep in mind that I’m not a doctor, even if my friends jokingly call me one. I’m hoping to make these posts more regularly. Between my day job in public health, top surgery in July, moving to a new state and in with my partner in August, and working on buying a house (wtf??), it’s been a hectic few months. Thanks for your patience, all.

I writes,

I have a new man in my life. My problem is he likes to hold me down and is very rough as says weird things during. I mean he doesn’t hurt me and he’s really sweet afterwards is this maybe just how he likes it or should there be red flags

This isn’t necessarily a new thing, but there are a lot of potential reasons why someone might like this. A lot of men grew up watching porn that isn’t exactly sweet or sensual, but more on the rougher side. Some folks just naturally gravitate to rougher experiences. I think the most important thing to think about is do you like it? It seems like you don’t – which is absolutely fair, especially if this wasn’t a thing you two talked about him doing beforehand. It’s okay to sit down with him and explain that this isn’t your jam or ask more in-depth questions about why he’s into it.

I hope this helps and that you’re able to find a healthy way to engage in sex together.

 

photo of two people touch hands against one of their thighs - photo has been edited to look like its on a vhs

B writes,

My boyfriend asks me to do things for him in the bedroom and I always say I’m not comfortable doing them. He told me last night that I’m denying him sexual gratification. I told him I’ll try but I don’t feel comfortable. What should I do?

If you’re not comfortable doing something, you’re not comfortable with it. No is a full sentence, and you don’t have to explain yourself to someone else. Pulling the ‘denying gratification’ card is a really big red flag to me and it feels like he’s trying to pressure you into something you’re not okay doing. It’s probably worth sitting down and going through a yes/no/maybe list together – something that you would both ideally fill out ahead of time and then sit down to share and discuss. Make sure that you share how you need him to listen to your no. It might even be worth setting some other boundaries around that or talking about if a sexual relationship between the two of you is a good idea if he gets grumpy about it.

I hope that things work out and he’s able to listen to your feedback… but, if he isn’t? It’s more than okay to do whatever you need to do to feel safe.

photo of two people hold hands - photo has been edited to look like its old

R writes,

I have a partner who only wants to use condoms because he thinks it’s too risky to go without. I miss going without them when we first met we didn’t use them ever, never had any issues. Until he was caught by me doing some inappropriate activity with someone else. After he got an sti and I was completely fine he developed some redness but nothing grosser then that. He says they told him that even if a gay couple is monogamous they should always use condoms. I thought it’s like 95% OK to go without condoms if both are monogamous.

This sounds frustrating! It can be smart or easier to use condoms with some sexual acts, but by no means is it something you always have to do for gay sex – especially with a monogamous partner. Condoms are the best way to prevent possible STIs, so that’s one thing to keep in mind. Perhaps your partner feels poorly for having messed around and is trying to make sure that you know he wants to do whatever he can to make it up to you or protect you. Being the receptive partner during anal gives you a higher chance of microtears, which make it easier to catch infections – especially if you’re not using enough lube. (If you need lube info, Smitten Kitten has some great guides on one of their sites.)

Not to be a negative jerk or make you question this relationship, but there is also the risk that he might be messing around again.

I would say it’s probably time for a sit down (or another way to communicate if that’s easier) to talk through what’s been going on. Be prepared to consider compromising, like trying out an internal condom and seeing how that goes. The most important thing here is that you approach this convo with love, understanding, and trying not to put blame on your partner. Here’s a great 101 on non-violent communication techniques.

I hope that this helps – and that the two of you are able to talk through this without too much frustration.

two people have a tense conversation on the couch - filter applied puts most things in black and white except a few things in the background

S writes,

Can my vaginal ph balance hurt my boyfriend’s penis? He says that he’s tried everything to alleviate pain, and is accusing me of having an STI. But he’s the only guy I’ve slept with in a couple of years.

Vaginas are naturally acidic, so it’s definitely possible. Here’s another person who has dealt with this. The person who provided the answer to that question suggested Canesten Antifungal Cream to see if it helps. I would also say it’s probably worth a visit to the doctor for both of you to talk through what you’re experiencing and ensure that there isn’t an underlying medical issue.

two trans masc people at a bar, smiling at each other - filter applied to look older

M writes,

My boyfriend spent the night for the first time last night. He opened my nightstand drawer and found my vibrator. At first, he didn’t know what it was… he realized what it was and he acted fine, but he also was quiet most of the day after.

My guess is that your boyfriend felt a little insecure. Sometimes guys think there’s a competition between them and sex toys. We know this isn’t the case, but it can hurt their pride – even if the sex toy was there first. I’m giving you official permission to tell him that this is not a big deal. A ton of people have sex toys – hell, I have a whole under-bed tote full of them – and it doesn’t mean that we value our partners any less or differently. Toys can be helpers in the bedroom – for example, if your boyfriend orgasmed quickly and you still want to play. They can also be major self-care tools and even medical tools.

Here are a few links where people have run into similar issues:

I think it worth asking him to write something in, say, a google doc about what he felt in that moment and if he has any lingering feelings. That way, he can cool down before you two sit down and talk about it.

one person looking at another as they look at their phone

L writes,

I had sex for the first time yesterday. Everything was fine and I didn’t even bleed. I had sex again today and we had to stop cuz I was bleeding like a fair amount. Why would that happen? Am I ok?

Bleeding during the first time is normally associated with breaking the hymen. Sometimes it takes a while of being sexually active for that to stop. Even after that, bleeding after or during sex isn’t usually something to be too worried about – especially if you and your partner(s) are being vigorous, rough, or a little more intense than normal. Same goes for if your vagina isn’t as lubricated as it could be, which is all the more reason to use lube even if you don’t think you ‘need’ it. Just make sure that you know what’s in it and all that good stuff.

That said, there can also be other reasons you might be experiencing bleeding. If it continues longer than a day, is bothering you, or if there’s a lot of blood? Try to go see a doctor or visit a space like Planned Parenthood.

photo of two people about to kiss with rosy filter

G writes,

After many years of living and loving in an open relationship my wife no longer wants (has) any sexual needs. I’ve increasingly wanted to re-establish these intimate relationships and now find myself longing to watch her with new and other lovers. Additionally I’d so love to watch her with a BBC lover/s and try a sex lover too. How can I resolve these unachievable desires?

I was in a similar situation with my ex, for different reasons, which is what led us to opening up our relationship. I needed that kind of attention and love, and it wasn’t something he could give. It’s perfectly normal and okay to recognize this and make other arrangements, provided everyone has consented. Since she doesn’t have sexual desire right now, I think it would be best to have a conversation about you seeking sexual gratification elsewhere instead of being so focused on being sexual with her. That’s probably putting a lot of awkward stress on her on top of what the two of you might already be dealing with due to the pandemic and state of the world.

I would highly suggest checking out the book Building Open Relationships: Your hands-on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond! by Dr. Liz Powell. Dr. Liz is an amazing human and I really loved their book. (Note to self: add writing a review about this to your giant to-do list.)

As far as the BBC situation… I would invite you to unpack the ways that this could be harmful and racist.

two people snuggling in bed while drinking coffee

I had a few other questions in my inbox, but they’re more detailed and personal so I feel uncomfortable answering them here. One of them will probably wind up inspiring a post on here at some point, though, when I’ve figured out how to respond to it.

I will say that there seems to be a theme lately to these questions. That theme is a lack of communication. Your partners need to know what you’re feeling or are struggling with. I’m always happy to help give guidance but, at the end of the day, I’m not your partner and I can’t solve most of these issues. What can work towards solving them is sitting down and having frank conversations with your partners.

This also means you’re going to have to let your guard down. It’s hard to be vulnerable, to stop being the strong one. That means we have to feel and process our feelings and, right now, that includes a lot of grief. If there’s one thing I know, though, it’s that you can do this. I believe in you.

Have a question you want to be answered? Leave a comment below – I won’t publish the comment but instead will reach back out to you – or send me an email.

Answering Your Questions, Part 1

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I’ve gotten a number of questions to answer recently. It’s time to answer them! Keep in mind that I’m not a doctor, even if my friends jokingly call me one.

J writes,

I had an experience with my boyfriend a few days ago where he put it in but not all the way in (I am a virgin) and I liked it. I mean I want it more but my question is “is it just my body saying this things and I am rushing things?” because I have been ready physically for some time but not mentally. I need some advice, if this means I want it or it was just something from the moment.

It’s okay to not be ready mentally, but know that your body is ready. The first time I had sex was very similar, and we kept going because both of us were awful at self-control, haha. Hormones can drive us to do some pretty silly things when we’re not fully ready. I think it’s a good idea to examine why you don’t feel ready emotionally. Are there steps that you can take to help get to where you’ll be ready? What are they? Do you have access to someone like a therapist who might be able to help you with those steps?

I had a lot of fun when I did have sex with my first partner. We also got into a good amount of trouble because neither of us was really ready. I want you to know it’s okay to wait if you’re not feeling ready yet.

_

M writes,

What are ways to be able to keep myself from stopping while i masturbate? I can occassionally stay in it, but most of the time when i feel i am almost there i stop because the building feeling becomes too much. And when i do let go and reach orgasm i reach it and that is pretty much it, the pleasure doesn’t continue, is that weird?

Everyone experiences pleasure differently. For a lot of people with vaginas, masturbation involving penetration can keep going as long as they want. For some of us, clitoral stimulation has to stop between orgasms. That kind of stimulation can also feel like a lot because there are a ton of nerve endings there – it’s suspected that there are more nerve endings there than in the penis! In reality, all genitalia develops the same. For those born with a penis, the clitoris extends and the vulva grows into where the testicles will sit. If we look at it that way, it’s very easy to understand why we might need a break from sexual activity or why too much stimulation on the clitoris might be overwhelming.

If you can investigate that building feeling being too much more – like, is it physically or is it something else – that may help you get to the bottom of this.

_

K writes,

so what would it be called if i have romantic attraction to all genders but i only want a sexual relationship with one gender? for example what if i (a girl) would have a relationship with anyone like i would have a relationship with a girl and make out with a girl no questions asked, but i only want to have actual like sex with a man. am i just straighht?

We don’t talk about it a lot, but there are several different types of attraction:

  • Aesthetic: attraction to one’s appearance – “Hey, they look really hot!”
  • Alterous: attraction that’s a mix between platonic and romantic; wanting emotional closeness – “Do I want us to be friends or lovers or both?”
  • Platonic: wanting a friendship with someone – “Hey, you seem really cool! Let’s be friends!”
  • Romantic: wanting to have a romantic relationship with someone – “I really want to woo you!”
  • Sensual: wanting to engage in more non-sexual closeness like cuddling – “Let’s cuddle with clothes on!”
  • Sexual: wanting to engage in sexual acts with someone – “How YOU doing?”

For example, there are people who love being romantic but are asexual – sex isn’t particularly interesting to them. There are people who love having sex, but dislike the romantic aspect, and so would use the label aromantic. Here’s a list of attractions and orientations for more info.

It could be that you’re panromantic – where gender doesn’t really factor into who you fall for – but heterosexual.

I also want to say that there is a lot of gatekeeping in the LGBTQ+ community. Many people think that if you’re heterosexual, you shouldn’t be a part of the community regardless of your other attraction types. The problem with that is it erases the types of harm that often get thrown at people who are asexual or fall into a different attraction category than hetero for all. If panromantic feels right for you, you’re still a part of the community. If anyone tells you differently, tell them your sex educator big brother said to fuck off <3

_

C writes,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we just started to have sex a couple of months ago. Before he would just touch me and lick me. The problem is he has never gotten me to cum and if I did I didn’t notice. I have been masturbating since I was 15 (am 21 now). I masturbate with a dildo and he knows I do this and is okay with it. He hates that he can’t get me to cum as hard as I can with my toys though. I don’t understand why I can’t either. I don’t think it is a lube problem because usually after sex I will use my dildo to cum and I have no problems. I have noticed though that sex doesn’t feel as great with him as my toys. Every position we try doesn’t feel right it feels like he is stabbing my insides. He is the first guy I have ever had sex with so I have nothing to compare it too. It just hurts but not enough to cry but enough to get dizzy over. Is this how its supposed to feel like? How can I make it not hurt and cum?

That is really frustrating – and I know because I’ve been there, too!

There are a number of medical conditions that could be causing this, so if you’re in a place to be able to do so, talking with a doctor or visiting a place like Planned Parenthood would be a great idea. Some of those medical conditions include endometriosis, vaginismus, and issues with the pelvic floor muscles.

For pelvic floor issues, working with a physical therapist that specializes in that area can be a lifesaver. I had to do that in 2017, and everything got better! It may take a while, but things will get better.

_

G writes,

I’ve been with two sexual partners in my life, and the same thing happens with both of them. Whenever I’m receiving a handjob or blowjob, and the pleasure is in the medium-to-intense range, something unusual happens to me. I experience a tingling sensation in my arm, or both arms, or even all my limbs. The tingling sensation is very similar to the “pins and needles” sensation we all feel when our arm/leg falls asleep. And similarly to that, it’s unpleasant. What is it that’s happening, and why?

I’m sorry to hear that it’s uncomfortable! It’s hard to say exactly why this is happening, but there are a few things that could help you figure out an answer to this question.

There could be an underlying medical issue. I’m not a doctor, but my guess would be something to do with circulation or nerves. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to a doctor to see if they can rule anything out.

Many of us have quirks around our orgasms. Some people curl their toes. If I orgasm hard, my hearing starts sounding like I’m underwater. I hate to say it, but this could be your quirk.

I would definitely hit up a doctor to discuss this and see if there’s anything else going on before considering that this is a given. You might also try to mix up sensations your partner gives you during a handjob and blowjob and see if that helps.

Have a question you want to be answered? Leave a comment below! I won’t publish the comment but instead will reach back out to you.

Anonymous Questions Answered #2

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Questions are coming in and I love it! I’ve been bad at responding to them, so here is the latest batch. Have a question you want to ask anonymously? Head over to AskFm to ask your own!

This is from AJ:

I let my boyfriend put only the tip of his penis in my vagina (like not even that much and for like a second) yet I started bleeding. It can’t be my periods as I don’t start for another 3 days and I’m not bleeding throughout the day. So does this mean I’ve lost my virginity??? (He was also fingering me before this when I wasn’t even wet yet so maybe it could be from that). I’m just very confused.

Vaginas can be really sensitive with interactions, especially if you haven’t been fingered or penetrated before. If you had a hymen, even if it was partially broken before, it could cause the bleeding. The breaking of the hymen is what we generally think of as losing virginity.* Fingering can cause microtears, especially if someone isn’t wearing gloves that cover their fingernails. Unfortunately, those microtears can collect bacteria from fingernails, hands, and more, leading to infections. Consider getting some gloves – and lube, which can reduce your risk for microtears, too – for your next round of finger fun. And make sure to snag condoms!

*Okay, soapbox time! Virginity is a social construct. When we think about it, we almost always think of women or vagina owners. Creating a clean versus unclean status, which is really what virginity is, makes it easy for men to categorize us. Seeing us as unclean is a way to shame us for having sexual freedom or enjoying pleasure. A hymen does not make or break virginity. Some people have hymens that have to be medically removed as they have no openings. Others have never had a hymen. It’s also easy to bust it doing mundane things like riding bikes or horses. Tldr; virginity was created by the patriarchy to keep us down. It isn’t real.

This is from JH:

This started happening 4 years ago. Before I had no issues with sex. I would either last for 30 minutes, occasionally 1 hour when I’m lucky or it ends briefly. I was ok with my sex life. But as of recently every time I’m getting busy it only last for 3 strokes or less. I thought maybe it was this girl but then the other girl I couldn’t even get it up the second my penis was getting there. When it’s coming to foreplay and blowjob there is no problem. I am afraid to date this girl because of this issue. And yes I been battling anxiety for years (since I was a kid) but it never did this to me. Somebody thought maybe I was turning gay, at one point I tried to watch gay porn to see if maybe that was it. It did nothing for me, it made me sick watching that shit. Anyone got any tips?

Oh this is a lot to unpack. Just because one kind of porn may not be something you enjoy doesn’t give you space to call it ‘shit’ or to act like it’s beneath you. That’s homomisic. I know it’s rooted in patriarchy, but being gay or queer or anything other than straight/heterosexual isn’t bad. I’m queer as fuck.

Okay, now, sex is an interesting thing. If you’re not having as much of it lately, it’s common for it to take less time for you to orgasm than it used to. It’s similar to a tolerance for pain that way. I highly suggest talking to a doctor. This could be nothing out of the ordinary. On the other hand, it could be a sign that you’ve got some unaddressed health issues – and some of those are dangerous. It could also be related to a medication or other treatment you’re on.

How Do You Deal With Desensitization?

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

white paper background with a black figure of a person in bed with a question mark over their head (upper left) and black text: "Answer time!" then teal squiggle then "How Do You Deal With Desensitization?" then teal squiggle then "Chronic Sex"

I received the following anonymous question recently:

How do you deal with desensitization? Ever since my injury in my sacrum area, my nether regions still get aroused. However, it’s much harder to get off. I have tried deep breathing, toys, fantasy, and I haven’t been able to just be in my body without relying on it and really miss just enjoying myself without a fix. Sometimes it feels like the nerves are just not as sensitive anymore.

Desensitization sucks. Seriously.

That’s so frustrating! I have some nerve issues and know what that can be like. One of the best toys I’ve found is the Doxy Massager. It’s a plug-in magic wand that has very high vibrations. A lot of people find it easier to orgasm or have fun with this toy. I wrote a review back in November. It can take a little while to get more sensitive if you’re starting to re-engage those nerves, so it’s not a bad idea to set almost like a workout schedule if that makes sense? Something like the Doxy or another wand massager would be really good for that.

Another option would be to see if you can go to physical therapy for your pelvic floor muscles. This helps to evaluate the muscles and nerves that help control your genitals. It can feel a little invasive, especially as they do have to do some hands-on work. You could also try doing some pelvic floor exercises on your own, but I highly recommend going in if you’re able to and insurance covers it. I’ve written about my experience as well as some tips and tricks if that’s helpful. Sex therapists can be very helpful with some of this stuff, too.

Sometimes medication can affect how we orgasm or feel things, too, so it might be worth looking at your medications to see what helps. One thing that I’ve noticed for me is that I like some things I didn’t use to before some of my nerves got shot. Receiving oral sex, for instance, is something I’ve only begun to like in the last few years. It may be worth playing with things that way to see what feels different now.

I will admit that my nerve issues aren’t too severe. My friend Rachael who runs Hedonish has dealt with it a lot more and may be able to suggest some other things, too.

Edited to add: JoEllen Notte also recommends the Doxy and things like erotic stimulation (e-stim) and fire play – not necessarily right on the genitals, but as a way to feel sensations in that area. Sensation play like this can be very effective in helping with desensitization issues.

Want to ask an anonymous question? Head over to the Ask Page! You can fill out a contact form to ask me a question, and I’ll respond as quickly as I can.