Category: self-esteem

B&W pic with white text at bottom 'My Boudoir Shoot' 'chronic sex' - pic is of Kirsten silhouetted with a black leather skirt and dark bra on arching her back in a chair against a lit window background

My Boudoir Shoot

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Earlier this year, I was struggling with my body. My gender dysphoria is pretty rough lately. As a genderfluid person, sometimes I really dislike the feminine parts of my body. They seem to get in the way a lot.

I booked a boudoir session with Studio M Boudoir {autoplay music & slideshow in link} using a Groupon.

In the weeks before the shoot, I honestly thought of canceling and trying to reschedule. I’m really glad I stuck with it, though.

On the day of, I was excited, but not as much as I felt like I should be. I was crunched for time and nervous as all get out. Once I got to the studio, though, Melissa made me feel so at home.

I mean, it helped that she checked out this site, too. We talked about shared interests and job stuff both before and after the shoot. It was seriously a lovely time.

Here are some of my favorite pics from the shoot:

B&W pic of Kirsten silhouetted with a black leather skirt and dark bra on arching her back in a chair against a lit window background

B&W: kirsten on her stomach on a bed; she has on a dark bra and dark panties but with a blue plaid shirt on; her right arm props up her head while she smiles, left leg is extended out, and right leg is up in the air

B&W pic of kirsten from above; her dark bra is showing and her plaid shirt is falling off her as she is on her back; her right arm is under her chest as though she's hugging herself; left hand is on her left leg; feet are both against the dark headboard

color pic of kirsten laying down tangled in sheets (which cover the good bits) on a white bed with short red hair; pic is taken from end of the bed so K is upside down, legs crossed and bent at the knees, right hand on sheet on chest, and left hand up beside her head; she's smiling/laughing

color pic of kirsten sitting on the edge of the white bed wrapped in a white sheet a la a mermaid; short red hair; pic is taken from above so K is looking upwards and smiling; the left hand pulls down some of the sheet for cleavage and the right is nearly hugging her again; left leg pokes out of sheet

color pic of kirsten sitting on the edge of the white bed wrapped in a white sheet a la a mermaid; short red hair; pic is taken from above; K is looking away white smiling and laughing with eyes closed; the left hand pulls down some of the sheet for cleavage and the right is nearly hugging her again; left leg pokes out of sheet

The others are butt pictures, and those stay here at home 🙂

Seeing these pictures now, I feel more confident in my gender identity. Some days, I may want to embrace my curves and be very feminine like Ariel (the Little Mermaid, who I seem to dress like often lately). Other days, I may hide all that under dark plaid shirts like the queer person I am.

From an illness standpoint, I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain lately. Because of that, it’s easy for me to hate parts of my body. I stop seeing them for what they are and what they bring and start seeing them for the pain they cause. On top of that, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and feel unhappy about that at times.

It was really nice to be reminded that these parts of me can still be beautiful, can still be useful, and that being a curvy girl isn’t a bad thing.

Should you do a boudoir shoot?

It was an incredibly affirming experience. I really lucked out with Melissa and Studio M. I did a lot of research before using them and was surprised at how awesome they were, even then!

I recognize that I have a lot of privilege in being able to have had this experience, though. Shoots and then the photos themselves can be quite expensive.

I will say that, if it’s something you can afford, it can be very healing.

Have you ever done a boudoir shoot? What did you think?

7 Ways to Feel Sexy Again

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Not every one of these tips will work to help everyone feel sexy. That said, these are some of my favorite ways to start feeling sexy again.

Get in touch with yourself.

Getting in touch with yourself can mean different things to different people.

A bed with pillows sits in a soothing room; there is a hardwood floor with a rug at the end of the bed; light is coming through the sheer white curtains

One important thing for all of us to do is to figure out what sensations we enjoy. This can mean sexually – what touches or smells or sounds turn you on or help get you closer to orgasm? What are some of those things you don’t enjoy? What things would you put on your Yes/No/Maybe sexy times list?

This can also be non-sexually. What is your sense of style like? How about your communication style? Who do you find attractive?

All of these things, sexually or non-sexually, are going to help us build a foundation of self-love for the following steps.

Wear what makes you feel sexy – but is comfortable, too.

This is a common tip for discovering how sexy we are and loving our bodies. The one thing I’ve added here is the comfort factor. I used to love wearing high heels. Now, I just can’t get away with it for more than a day or two a month. When I do go for heels, I make sure to wear a pair that’s supportive and comfortable so I’m able to wear them as safely and as pain-free as possible. That should go for lingerie or anything else – unless, of course, a little bit of pain is sexy to you.

I love lingerie but just can’t wear it often. Many kinds of lingerie are tight, can exacerbate the prevalence of UTIs, and can be itchy. Now, though, I wear a lot of superhero underwear and lace bralettes (from Torrid!). The combination helps satisfy my gender identity (genderqueer) in addition to being comfortable and sexy in a very nerdy way.

a photo of me laying down on my stomach; you only see me from the waist down, with sexy lacy underoos on my bum; the picture is B&W with purple text overlay that says "love your body"

Lingerie or cute underwear can be a really fun way to surprise someone if you’re focused on looking sexy for them. You should always focus on comfort, though, and how you want to feel.

If not wearing something makes you feel desirable, naughty, or attractive, that’s a way to go, too. If you’re able to, sometimes going ‘commando’ or sans underwear can put a pep in your step. Just like with wearing fancy underoos, it’s like a special secret only you know.

Play up your features and show off.

Once you feel sexy and know what styles you like best, show it off! Take some selfies or, if you’re able, do a photo shoot with a pal or other photographer. Hell, you could do a boudoir shoot. I have one planned for mid-July and I’m very excited, despite being at my highest weight, because I know I’m goddamned cute.

A white girl (me!) with a teal shirt; subtle makeup save for red lips and eyeliner

The photo above is of me in 2013 when I was working on finding out what I wanted to look like the next year for my wedding. We ending up going slightly less retro than the above looks, but this was a way I showed off my eyes (with dark eyeliner) and my lips (with bright red lipstick). Now, though, I would aim much more for a faux hawk and neon pink lip gloss.

Styles evolve, and that’s part of why we need to take the time to get in touch with ourselves every so often.

Role play.

Pretend you’re one of your favorite people. If you think Beyonce or Ruby Rose or Vin Diesel are attractive, what would it be like to pretend to be them for a day? Would you carry yourself differently? Dress differently? Value your time and energy more?

Maggie Gyllenhaal playing Lee Holloway; B&W photo; Maggie is in a white shirt with black polka dots and is leaning over a desk with a surprised look on her face

Another way to go about this could be to fantasize about being characters you like. Do you think Lee Holloway from Secretary is hot? What about Magic Mike? How would these people act? What would they wear? How would they see themselves?

Sometimes using characters from movies or even real life people can make us feel even more unsexy if we can’t meet expectations like how they dress or move. If that’s the case, consider using someone from history or a book who might have less of a specific way of dressing up.

Get down, get down!

Dancing can be a wonderful way to feel sexy.

First of all, music is incredibly influential on our emotions. If you play “For Good” from Wicked, for example, I think nearly every person cries. Play “I Wanna Sex You Up” and crying may be the last thing on your mind.

There are many ways to dance. Doing it in a way that’s most comfortable and accessible to you is important. That said, if you’re able to do a striptease – even by yourself – it can heavily influence how you see yourself. I’m bad at buttons so I’m bad at stripteases… but I’m pretty good with moving my butt in some sexy ways.

Stick to whatever is most comfortable and accessible for you.

Speak your truth and set boundaries.

One of the most attractive things about people can how independent they are – especially if we aren’t necessarily able to be as self-sufficient. One way we can work on independence, though, is to speak our truths and set better boundaries for ourselves.

Speaking your truth can mean a lot of things. For me, it’s not holding back when someone close to me says something offensive. I correct them, even if the offensive thing isn’t directed at me or even impacts me directly (i.e., racist comments, etc.). It also includes speaking up against ableism and abuse in general, but especially that I’ve lived through. Not everyone appreciates that I share these things, but the people who matter do.

As far as setting up boundaries, there are a lot of things we can do. Again, only do these things if you are able to and comfortable with them.

A femme (from shoulders up) lies down with a blue towel rolled up under her head and cucumbers on her eyes

Set up times during the day when you don’t answer phone calls, respond to texts and emails, or use social media. In other words, set aside time for you – whether you use that as a time to be productive or to relax and rest.

Pull back from people who take without giving or who treat you poorly. Don’t let societal expectations keep you attached to bigoted or abusive family. When I cut my abusive mother out of my life, I began to feel incredibly independent, worth more, and became more confident.

Make time for you to do things that matter to you, whether that’s making art or being more physically active.

See yourself as you are.

When we’re dealing with chronic illness, pain, disability, and more, it’s easy to see ourselves as a collection of our ICD-10 codes or symptoms. We may see the weight we’ve gained on steroids or other medications, our assistive devices, and the patches we need to get through the day.

Do you see you in all of that?

An African American woman from the shoulders up; she is posing for a photo shoot; she has blonde hair in tight ringlets and is wearing jewelery

It can be really hard to remember who we are under everything we have to do to stay alive.

One fun way to remember you in the midst of pain is to have a photo shoot! You could just take a bunch of selfies, have a pal take a few pics, or even schedule with professional photographers. Hell, do a boudoir shoot if you feel like it! (Note: I totally have a regular photo shoot and a boudoir shoot coming up within the next month. I’m super excited about both!)

Another fun thing is to do something you love with close friends. Sometimes it can be something as simple as going to lunch with an old pal, getting a pedicure, or singing songs at the top of your lungs. Whatever reminds you how your life isn’t just about pain, illness, and disability is a good thing.

It’s your turn! What are some things you do to feel sexy? Tell us in the comments!

5 reasons to fall head-over-heels in love with yourself

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I’m not a fan of that whole idea that you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else. It wasn’t until I met my partner that I really started to figure out a lot about myself and the life I had been living.

Still, there is no denying that self-love can and should be a goal for us. It might look different for me than it does for you or someone else. It can cause a powerful change in how we treat and advocate for ourselves.

You’ll be a little better off from a mental health standpoint.

Many of our internal doubts and worries come from how we feel about ourselves. Learning to love yourself may not eliminate other mental health issues, but it is possible that it can help how we react to episodes of depression and other issues.

If you’re spending more time building yourself up than you are tearing yourself down, you’re likely going to feel a little better about yourself. You’re going to feel a little more confident. This can lead to being less easily influenced by negative emotions that are easy to get caught up in.

You’ll be more motivated.

Motivation is needed for a whole host of things, but it isn’t always easy to find. When we’re in pain and dealing with illness fun, motivation for a lot of things is definitely at the bottom of the pile.

It doesn’t have to be, though.

We often get motivated when we’re trying to advance our personal health with health care providers and the like. Some of us (read: me) are much better at being motivated under pressure or deadlines… which isn’t healthy necessarily.

If you’re more in-tune with yourself and what you need, you may be more motivated to practice self-care or read a book or do things that nourish your soul.

You’ll make healthier decisions.

When we love ourselves more fully, we take better care of ourselves. Sometimes, that can be just because of how we are feeling or because we fight more for ourselves. After all, our self-worth is tied heavily into how we treat ourselves – and vice versa.

Just like with motivation, we might feel a little more inspired to take a night off from our routine and sleep extra. We might be better at eating and drinking more regularly.

You’ll develop better empathy and compassion skills.

When you treat yourself with a little more respect, that tends to carry over into how you treat others.

Really, you can’t have one without the other.

In order to love yourself to the fullest, you have to be willing to consider why things may have happened or why choices were made. That understanding, combined with forgiveness, is really what empathy and compassion are all about.

Once you can better understand and forgive yourself, it’s incredibly easy to understand motives behind others’ actions at the very least.

You’ll begin to accept and value yourself.

Acceptance isn’t an easy street to go down. It means that we have to face and accept everything – the good and the bad – about ourselves.

It is also one of the most freeing things. That acceptance can help alleviate stress and remove any burdens that we might carry.

It leads us to better decisions, sticking to our boundaries, and caring for oureslves more fully.

Have you worked on self-love? What has it helped you with?

Ten Chronically Amazing People to Look Up to When You’re Having a Rough Day

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

When we’re dealing with chronic illnesses and disabilities, we face days where our pain is high and our ability to cope is low. We have different ways to deal with life when this happens, but one of the best ways to do so is to connect with some other amazingly chronically ill people.

Here are some of my favorites in no specific order:

1. Mariah
Mariah is one of my favorite people ever. She is an amazing advocate working tirelessly to educate, raise awareness, and help mothers (and those trying to conceive or thinking about it) with chronic illnesses.

She writes at RheumatoidArthritis.Net and works with Joint Decisions in addition to helping out here at Chronic Sex.

2. Kenzie
What can I say about Kenzie?

She works so hard to thrive despite multiple illnesses. She is raw and vulnerable in a way that very few can be. She has the cutest sense of style, a passion for mental health, and the most giving and loving heart I have ever seen. She’s also pretty much the bestest friend ever.

She works with Joint Decisions as well.

3. Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy
Through RA Guy’s writing on his site, Creaky Joints, Joint Decisions, and his foundation, he both raises awareness and gives hope to others living with types of arthritis. He brings in a much-needed male voice to the patient advocacy community.

One of the reasons RA Guy is so admirable, though, is that he knows when to step back and do more self-care stuff. It’s amazing how someone can do so much and still be so focused on their own needs.

4. Leslie
Leslie works hard at her day job helping patients in the healthcare community and does it after-hours, too! She was one of the first bloggers with RA that I found. At the time, she was an amazing inspiration to me as she was in graduate school while dealing with her health issues – and I was incredibly concerned about even finishing college.

She writes for RheumatoidArthritis.Net, Health Central, Creaky Joints, and works with Joint Decisions.

5. Britt
While Britt (Hurt Blogger) has been a patient advocate and activist for years, she recently began working for the Arthritis National Research Foundation.

She also writes for Creaky Joints, Health Central, and works with Joint Decisions.

6. Abby
Abby is an amazing writer and health activist. She started a movement called Ask Me About My Uterus in order to raise awareness and openly discuss reproductive health, fertility, and more. It took forever for her endometriosis to be diagnosed. As a result, she has been incredibly frank and open about talking about these issues.She’s basically who I want to be when I grow up.You can find Abby on Medium, Romper, and on Facebook.

7. Jessica
Jessica works tirelessly to raise awareness of both physical and mental health issues. One of my favorite things about her is that Jessica focuses also on how to look good while ill, something that can definitely help to boost our self-worth. She’s also a great proponent of self-care.

You can find her at her site and Huffington Post.

8. Kristin

Kristin is not only a social media expert but an amazing health activist. She focuses heavily on patient engagement/experience and how to incorporate digital technologies in ways that improve the former.

She’s also basically my twin.

You can find her at her site and Tumblr.

9. Natalie
Natalie lives with a rare neurological disorder called Moebius Syndrome as well as additional illnesses. She writes about life, her amazingly adorable service dog Cassius, calling out ableism, and loving Hamilton.

Make sure to check out her site and her Facebook page.

10. Dawn
Dawn is the creator of the one-and-only Spoonie Chat. She’s also an amazing activist who focuses not only on chronic illness and disability rights but also on racism, socioeconomic disparities, and political issues.

Make sure to check out Spoonie Chat’s Facebook, Dawn’s Twitter, and Tumblr.

Who are some of your favorite chronically amazing peeps?

Chat Questions August 18, 2016

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

This week, we’re talking self-esteem:

Q1: Please introduce yourself in a way you’re comfortable sharing

Tonight, we’re going to talk about how our chronic illness or disability affect self-esteem

Q2: How do you feel about yourself currently? Do you have high, low, or middle-ish self-esteem?

Q3: How much do you feel like chronic illness and disability affect your self-esteem – little, meh, or DAMN?

Q4: Have you found any tips and tricks to improve self-esteem despite chronic illness & disability?

Q5: If you could talk to newly-diagnosed you, what would you say to help them with self-esteem?

Q6: What badass thing did you accomplish this week?

 

 

Guest Post: Maintaining Intimacy Despite Chronic Illness

Posted on by Guest

I am a firm believer that intimacy and desire are actually fueled by what can be found in a person’s heart — their goodness as well as their sex appeal, their overall compassion and strength as well as their physical attributes.

But when my chronic illnesses are whipping me about like an untethered sail, I tend to feel like I’ve lost every aspect of who I once was, and that often includes my normal desire for intimacy. I feel unattractive and, at times, unlovable. I don’t want to be touched. I want to hide myself from everyone, including me.

I am in pain, unable to sleep, and I’m the first to admit that these things don’t exactly spur romantic inclinations. Intimacy can feel like just one more obstacle course I must navigate when it hurts to move.

Dealing with chronic illness can eat away at my inner resolve, bringing about a feeling of isolation (because nobody truly understands what I am feeling) and fueling my fear that I am no longer a sexual being.

When you are feeling well, it is fairly easy to accentuate the positive and feel attractive for your spouse or partner. But when you suffer with chronic illnesses your appearance can evolve into that of someone you don’t recognize.

With dark circles under my eyes and a frightening amount of hair loss, I feel as though I look like some sort of deranged Muppet. I find myself avoiding mirrors and I wonder how on earth my husband could stand to look at me.

But I have to say, for the most part, these feelings of being unattractive because of my chronic illness are my issue and mine alone. My husband does not see me the way I see myself when I look in the mirror.

I realized this when I caught him staring at me one evening as we sat watching television. “Oh no,” I thought. “He sees me… all raw and withered from this horrible illness.”

Did I look extra tired? Did I look fat, because exercise is so difficult when I am always in pain? Did I look unattractive because my hair is so thin now? I pondered every possible thing wrong with me that he could be looking at, imagining what he was thinking.

Then he said something amazing.

“Do you know how beautiful you are?”

Time stood still for a moment. I blinked and shook my head in disagreement. Didn’t he see the dry, thin hair and bald spots on my head?  Didn’t he see the bags under my eyes or the new creases on my face?  He couldn’t miss the look of endless fatigue in my eyes… or could he?

The truth is, I wish I could see myself the way he sees me. In that moment I felt unlovable for many reasons beyond my appearance. I felt he deserved so much more than the woman sitting before him, struggling for survival from the pain. I felt I might be losing every battle I was fighting. I felt like I was not the wife I wanted to be, either on the inside or in my outwardly appearance. I felt unworthy of any compliment.

But here is the lesson in all of this: some of the intimacy problems those of us with chronic illness experience are caused by our own self-loathing. Yes, there is pain, and that has a legitimate effect on how open we feel to intimacy, but often much of what squelches our desire is how we see ourselves.

Do you see yourself as a sexy partner or as a complaining burden?

Yes, you may be in pain and feel like you’re not the person you once were, but you are still you. Sometimes feeling sexy takes effort. It takes seeing yourself as a sexual, desirable being and being kind to yourself.

Here are a few tips to change your outlook and improve your intimacy:

  • Remember that feelings aren’t facts. You may feel less attractive because of your illness, but it is not always as visible on the outside as we think it is.
  • Remember that you are loveable and you deserve praise and compliments just as much as anyone else. People who love you see beyond the illness. They see the beauty in your heart and how you live your life. They see that facing each day and pushing through is proof of your strength and that is sexy.
  • Take your time. You have the right to feel every emotion and process the experience of being a chronic illness warrior at your own speed. If you are newly diagnosed with a chronic illness it may be difficult to move beyond the emotions you initially feel. This is natural, but do not allow them to set up housekeeping within you. Eventually, you need to focus on all that you still can do and all that you are. You are more than your illness.
  • Take the time to take care of you. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good about your appearance, accomplishments, or simply feel more relaxed. Get a massage if that helps to ease pain or get your hair done if that makes you feel better about your reflection in the mirror. Try and take care of yourself as you did before you got sick.
  • Focus on two things you love about yourself. Think of them at least once a day and compliment yourself on them, so that this positive voice is the one in your head — not the negative one that tells you all that is wrong with you.
  • Keep communication with your partner open. If certain positions, movements, or specific activity hurts you or is just too difficult when you are not feeling well, discuss alternatives with your partner. Openly talking about your desires and feelings can actually increase intimacy between partners and improve their understanding of how you feel… which is knock-dead sexy.

You may need to practice these supportive, complimentary affirmations to overcome the negativity that goes hand-in-hand with any chronic illness.  Those who battle pain each day, or illness that impacts multiple aspects of their life, often have difficulty feeling their normal, typical levels of desire.

But remember, desire often begins by feeling good about yourself as well as being connected to your partner, so don’t let your struggle get the upper hand in how you feel about yourself or your relationship.

Offer loving care to yourself first, and remember you are more than your illness.

Barbara Leech is a mother of four who has battled lupus for more than 30 years. Also diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, she considers herself a survivor of all things: chronic illness, divorce, starting over. She is passionate about family, faith and small victories. You can find more of her writing on NewLifeOutlook.