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Life Updates

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Hello, dear ones,

I know I’ve been absent for a while. The emotional turmoil from the divorce process was really rough. I have been struggling a lot with my mental and emotional health. Add into that burnout from my (now previous) job, medical stuff, and financial crud, and that’s a recipe for website neglect.

I’m officially divorced now. I’ve also got a new job in public health, and I love it so far.

Now I’m on day 53 of isolation, and I’ve finally worked through most of the crud I needed to. So, I’ve been working on a few posts, product reviews, and podcast episode ideas. Stay tuned for more!

PS: I’ve been active here and there on social media, so be sure to follow chronic_self_love on IG, chronicsexchat on Twitter, and the FB page if you’re missing content!

ACR Releases First Guideline to Address Reproductive Health for Patients with Rheumatic Diseases

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The following is a press release from Monday this week. Note that it contains cisheterosexist language.

Today, the American College of Rheumatology (ACR) published the 2020 Guideline for the Management of Reproductive Health in Rheumatic and Musculoskeletal Diseases. This is the first, evidence-based, clinical practice guideline related to the management of reproductive health issues for all patients with rheumatic diseases. With 131 recommendations, the guideline offers general precepts that provide a foundation for its recommendations and good practice statements.

“This guideline is paramount, because it is the first official guidance addressing the intersection of rheumatology and obstetrics and gynecology (OB-GYN),” said Lisa Sammaritano, MD, lead author of the guideline. “Rheumatic diseases affect many younger individuals; however, little education has been provided to rheumatology professionals on current OB-GYN practices. The guideline [and more detailed online appendices] presents vital background knowledge and recommendations for addressing reproductive health issues in the full spectrum of rheumatology patients, with additional focus on specific diagnoses that require more detailed recommendations such as systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) and antiphospholipid syndrome (APS).

The guideline provides 12 ungraded good practice statements and 131 graded recommendations that are intended to guide care for rheumatology patients except where indicated as being for patients with specific conditions or antibodies present. Good practice statements are those in which indirect evidence is compelling enough that a formal vote was considered unnecessary; these are ungraded and are presented as suggestions rather than formal recommendations. The recommendations were separated into six categories: contraception, assisted reproductive technology (fertility therapies), fertility preservation with gonadotoxic therapy, menopausal hormone replacement therapy, pregnancy assessment and management, and medication use.

While some of the recommendations are strong, many of the recommendations presented are conditional due to a lack of data. Pregnant women are not generally enrolled in clinical studies; and few maternal health studies focus on rheumatology patients. A few notable recommendations from each category include:

Contraception

  • Strong recommendation for women with rheumatic disease who do not have lupus or APS to use effective contraceptives with a conditional recommendation to preferentially use highly effective IUDs or a subdermal progestin implant.
  • Strong recommendation against using combined estrogen-progestin contraceptives in women who test positive for anti-phospholipid autoantibodies (aPL) or APS

Assisted Reproductive Technology (Fertility Therapies)

  • Strong recommendation for fertility therapy in women with uncomplicated rheumatic disease who are receiving pregnancy-compatible medications, whose disease is stable, and who test negative for aPL. Specific recommendations also address patients testing positive for aPL and suggest an anti-blood clotting procedure.
  • Conditional recommendation against increasing prednisone dosage during fertility therapy procedures in lupus patients.

Fertility Preservation

  • Conditional recommendation against testosterone co-therapy in men with rheumatic disease receiving cyclophosphamide (CYC) and a good practice suggestion to cryopreserve sperm before CYC treatment in men who desire it.
  • Conditional recommendation for monthly gonadotropin-releasing hormone agonist co-therapy for premenopausal women with rheumatic disease who are receiving monthly CYC injections/infusions to prevent premature ovarian insufficiency.

Pregnancy Assessment and Management

  • Strong good practice suggestion to counsel women with rheumatic disease, who are considering pregnancy, on the improved maternal and fetal outcomes associated with entering pregnancy during low disease activity.
  • Conditional recommendation to treat lupus patients with low-dose aspirin daily (81 to 100 mg) starting in the first trimester. For women testing positive for aPL who do not meet the criteria for obstetric or thrombotic APS, it is conditionally recommended to preventatively treat with a daily aspirin (81 to 100 mg) starting early in pregnancy and continuing through delivery.

Menopause and Hormone Replacement Therapy

  • A good practice suggestion to use hormone replacement therapy in postmenopausal women with rheumatic disease who do not have lupus or have a positive aPL test; and who have severe vasomotor symptoms, have no contraindications, and desire treatment.
  • A conditional recommendation for hormone replacement therapy in women with lupus and without aPL.
  • Conditionally recommend against treating with hormone replacement therapy for women with asymptomatic aPL, and strongly recommend against hormone replacement therapy for women with any form of APS.

Medication Use (Paternal and Maternal)

  • Strongly recommend against use of CYC and thalidomide in men prior to attempting conception.
  • Strong recommendation against the use of NSAIDs in the third trimester.

Individuals involved in the development of the new guideline included rheumatologists, obstetrician/gynecologists, reproductive medicine specialists, epidemiologists, and patients with rheumatic diseases. ACR guidelines are currently developed using the Grading of Recommendations Assessment, Development and Evaluation (GRADE) methodology, which creates rigorous standards for judging the quality of the literature available and assigns strengths to the recommendations that are largely based on the quality of the available evidence.

“This guideline should open avenues of communication between the rheumatologist and the patient, as well as between the rheumatologist and the OB-GYN,” said Dr. Sammaritano.  “A better understanding of the risks and benefits of reproductive health options will enhance patient care by providing safe and effective contraception, improving pregnancy outcomes by conceiving during inactive disease periods, and allowing for continued control of rheumatic diseases during and after pregnancy with the use of well-suited medications.”

A draft of the guideline was presented during the 2018 ACR/ARP Annual Meeting in Chicago. Since that time, the guideline team has condensed the original three-part draft into a single, concise manuscript, with detailed background and discussion now available online. The guideline development team also incorporated color-coded flow charts to highlight common decision-making points to make it user friendly.

The paper containing the full list of recommendations and supporting evidence is available at  https://www.rheumatology.org/Practice-Quality/Clinical-Support/Clinical-Practice-Guidelines/Reproductive-Health-in-Rheumatic-Diseases

Why BDSM could allow anyone disabled to enjoy sex

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Have you ever considered BDSM – bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism? For some people, it’s not something they want to even entertain the idea of. But, practices inspired by it could help to liberate anyone disabled and unable to enjoy sex in a conventional way. Francesca from inclusive sex aid website, The Pleasure Garden, explains all.

Go read more on Disability Horizons

My Favorite Things of 2018

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

black background: My favorite things of 2018

This year has been an absolute dumpster fire.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been burnt out a little bit here. One of my guinea pigs has been basically ICU-level sick since the week of Halloween. He’s finally on the mend (I hope), but it’s been a really rough few months.

Goods, Services, and Experiences

Playground Conference
I had such a blast in Toronto in February at the Playground Conference. I’m bummed that the hotel we were at was shitty with pumping scents through their HVAC, and even more bummed that they’re refusing to allow the conference back there due to us being upset about the lack of accessibility. Samantha has shared a number of threads about this on Twitter, including this one.

Gaelynn Lea’s ‘Learning to Stay’
I reviewed Gaelynn’s newest album back in September along with writing a feature on her in She Shreds. Having found Gaelynn on Twitter, I’m grateful that we’ve gotten to know more about each other. She’s really an amazing artist, sex-positive person, and general badass. On top of that, her continued dedication to disability activism keeps me fueled and ready to fight.

Benepod
Earlier this year, I reviewed the Benepod over on my other site, Not Standing Still’s Disease. This handy little tool uses the contrast between hot and cold to confuse our brains into relieving pain. That’s called the Thermal Grill Illusion, and it’s why stars like Lady Gaga get pain relief from going from freezing temps to hot ones. I’m just glad that I don’t have to pay steep prices like Gaga does to get similar relief!

I wrote a piece in a book
I really did! It’s called Biocitizenship: The Politics of Bodies, Governance, and Power. You can check out a piece I wrote about it along with how to snag a copy here.

Dating again
I tend to be pretty quiet about it, but I am dating again. I’ve written about it over on The Tempest a bit. I’ll keep my new partner’s identity secret and give her privacy, but she’s wonderful. I’m really grateful that she’s been supportive of me, my work, and my health crud.

Interviews in pretty cool spaces
I’ve gotten lucky enough to be interviewed in the following pieces:

Writing more for pay
Y’all, 2019 is set to be a year where my freelancing career takes off. Losing my part-time start-up job earlier this year was a major setback, especially paired with losing a writing contract because I talk about sex. Thankfully, I’ve already been working on pieces for sites like The Billfold, Ministry of Hemp, and The Tempest. Some of my next clients are even bigger, and I can’t wait until I can fully share them with you.

Affiliates

My affiliates help me pay the bills, but there will always be ones I hold closer to my heart. These are my three for this year:

Smitten Kitten
I love Smitten Kitten. It’s one of the stores I trust the most, both as a shopper and someone who speaks there from time to time. JP and the rest of the team works incredibly hard to bring great speakers, information, and products to consumers, and I love them all to death.

CrashPad Series
It’s taken me a long time to find porn that I like. Frankly, there is little to no disability representation anywhere… except CrashPad! Thank you for making porn that helps me feel seen, worthy, and sexy.

My Favorite Podcasts

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a white appearing femme with white headphones around their neck and crossed arms with a white overlay and black text: "MY FAVORITE PODCASTS | CHRONIC SEX"

Let me tell you a secret – I listen to a lot of podcasts. On an average day, I listen to probably 3-4 episodes from various people. If you’re looking for fun podcasts to check out, here are a few of mine.

This Podcast Will Kill You

This podcast is my new obsession! It’s hosted by two Erins who both are graduate students studying disease ecology. Each episode, they share information about a new infectious disease. They cover the cover the biology, transmission, epidemiological history, patient and providers stories, and more. They even create quarantinis – drinks to go with each episode. As a giant science nerd – especially for disease stuff – this is one of my favorite things to listen to. They treat the patient stories with a lot of reverence and respect, something that gives me a ton of hope for the future.

Find them on Twitter, Facebook, Podbean, iTunes, and wherever you listen to podcasts.

Wine and Crime

Wine and Crime is a podcast where three friends chug wine, chat true crime, and use their worst Minnesotan accents. One of the things I love is that they cover a range of crimes from road rage to murder and more. Plus, they pair each crime category with a wine – how fun is that? They’re amazing at talking about victims’ lives, calling out patriarchal bullshit (“fucking patriarchy”), and highlight the importance of taking care of your mental health. Each gal has her own amazing personality and, together, they create a setting that just makes you feel like you’re listening to friends – even through the hardest subjects.

Make sure to check out their website, Facebook, Twitter. You can catch the show on SoundCloud, iTunes, and wherever you listen to podcasts.

This Podcast is Haunted

TPIH was one of the first spooky podcasts I found. After listening for two episodes, I became hooked for life. Cate is… basically me, making copious amounts of dick jokes and laughing loudly. Jen is basically T, a little quieter but gets really into it. I’m really lucky in that I’ve gotten to interact with them a bunch, and they’re both incredibly kind and super fun. If you like spooky things with a cupful (ha!) of awesomeness, hurry and check them out!

Check out their Facebook, Twitter, and IG. You can listen to them on Podbean, iTunes, and more.

All Killa No Filla

Rachel Fairburn and Kiri Pritchard-McLean are comedians in the UK who are fascinated by crimes, especially murder. They make sure to highlight in each episode that this is not to glorify criminals, and they recognize how harmful some podcasts can be in swooning all over murderers. Instead, Rachel and Kiri use their humor to discuss these crimes, highlight issues of police inaction and under-action, and more. Plus, I really just love their accents.

Check their Twitter and Facebook, and catch their episodes on Stitcher, iTunes, and more.

S’laughter

Like Rachel and Kiri, Lucy and Emma love to talk about murder. As teachers in the UK, they don’t get to that often. Their podcast discusses crime, murder, education, politics, and a lot more. Through supporting their Patreon, you can vote on topics for the shorter episodes they put out called Slash n Dash. They really do a lot via Patreon, so I definitely recommend it.

Visit their Twitter and Instagram. You can catch their episodes on Podbay, iTunes, and other spots.

Smithsonian Sidedoor

Sidedoor takes a look behind the scenes at one of my favorite gigantic institutions – the Smithsonian. Subjects on episodes they’ve had include rapper J Dilla, Fiona the baby hippo, the Tulsa race riots, lesbian feminists at the beginning of the civil rights movement, Muslims at the start of America, and so much more. Each story is connected to the Smithsonian in an interesting way, too. I highly suggest starting with the Fiona episode because it’s absolutely fascinating. The amount of work it took to get that sweet baby girl to her first birthday in the last two weeks is astounding.

Catch Sidefoor on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else you listen. Don’t forget to check out their site.

And That’s Why We Drink

Each week, Em and Christine – a queer pal and a chronically chill chick – share reasons why they drink. Em is partial to milkshakes while Christine loves her wine. After checking in with each other, Em shares a paranormal story and Christine shares one laced with true crime. Once a month, they share listener stories, too. They’re pretty fun to listen to – plus, Christine’s puppy Gio is the subject of a million and one conversations. He is adorable.

Make sure to catch their show on iTunes, Spotify, and elsewhere. For adorable Gio pictures, follow them on Facebook, Twitter, and check out their site.

Mirths and Monsters

The first thing you have to know about MandM is that it’s run by Kevin. He’s a super supporter of And That’s Why We Drink which is how I found his podcast. He and his companion dog Finn (so cute) take a less-than-serious look at mythical creatures and legends. Kev also shares original stories in addition to interviewing mythical creatures. And it’s all done in his amazing Scottish accent.

Check out the show on Podbean, iTunes, and other spots. Make sure to visit Kev on Twitter and Facebook, too.

Myths and Legends

Jason started M&L because of his love of English lit, history, and folklore. He’s covered a lot, from Greek and Roman myths to true stories of Apache warriors. One of my favorite parts, though, is that Jason tells stories like I do, bringing them into the present a little more than they usually are. It’s really fun, and one of my favorite things to listen to when I can’t sleep. He has another one called Fictional where he reads things like Macbeth.

Follow M&L on Twitter, check out their site, and catch episodes on iTunes or wherever else you listen.

True Crime Obsessed

TCO has one of the coolest premises – they watch documentaries around true crimes and talk about them. It’s super fun! One of my favorite things is that Patrick and Gillian are both into the theater which means we usually break into song about the same time in each episode. Some episodes are sad, some make you mad, and others are just hilarious.

Visit their site, Facebook page, or Twitter. You can catch episodes on iTunes, Audioboom, and more.

Women at Warp

WaW is a podcast that discusses Star Trek in its many forms, touching on feminist and social justice issues. I’m one of those people that have to be in the right mindset to listen, so I don’t always listen to them as often as I should. Episodes I’ve been meaning to catch include those covering sexual agency, LGBTQ+ issues, indigenous representation, and Klingon women. They have a wonderful one on disability, and I hope they’ll come back to that topic soon.

You can catch episodes on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else you snag podcasts. Make sure to check out their site, Facebook page, and Twitter, too!

There are other great podcasts out there for sure. What are some of yours?

photo of a femme person with long hair standing outside with the sun distorting their head and creating light in the bottom of the pic; white text "I'm Angry - And That's Okay" and "Chronic Sex"

I’m Angry – And That’s Okay

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

TW: some discussion of abuse, transmisia, cisheterosexism, racism, ableism

Like many people, I have mixed feelings about 2017. It’s been one of the most difficult years to be active in politics, activism, and advocacy work. At the same time, it’s been a pretty big year for me personally.

I struggle with how much of myself to share at times. There are so many people who appreciate and enjoy the vulnerability that I try to have. There are others who tell me that my attitude and focus on activism is “too much” for them. Being a people-pleaser (thanks, mother), it’s hard to navigate where to go. Naturally, my inclination is to try to please everyone. However, I know this is impossible.

As an activist, I’ve found that people who consider me to be “too much” are the same ones who want everyone to get along. This is also impossible.

As someone who is trans, queer, and disabled, I encounter people all the time who wish I didn’t exist. Our government enacts policies that make it harder for my people to continue living for this very reason. White supremacists in our government are pushing back against policies meant to increase equality.

I don’t know how anyone could sleep at night while trying to make friends with people who want me dead. I just don’t.

For a long time, I did pretty well hiding my anger. After I cut my mother out of my life, so much toxicity had left and I felt whole for the first time in a long time. I was able to explore parts of myself I never could before. I tried to explore gender in college, but my mother didn’t want to hear anything about it. Since I’m open online about everything I’ve been through, I didn’t feel safe exploring that. Even though it caused me both physical and emotional pain, I bit my tongue when I should’ve spoken up about things under the guise of getting along with others.

In October 2016, I came out as not being cisgender and as being queer/pansexual. I had so many friends support me and rejoice with me for being able to articulate my gender identity and sexual orientation. In the months before, I learned more about integrity and the importance of staying true to myself. I started to push back against people’s misguided and hurtful comments.

A few weeks later when Cheeto Voldemort was elected, the fear and anger came back along with an overbearing sadness. I was disappointed in my fellow white people for refusing to see the challenges they were placing on others. I’d been blogging for nearly a decade openly about being disabled. I began to regret the vulnerability I showed in the past.

Combine that with my recently non-cishet identities and I was terrified.

I began to lose friends. It wasn’t because I hated people, but they refused to see why people in my communities – queer, trans, disabled – were afraid. They mocked us for our fear while preaching that we should all just learn to get along. What people mean in those moments is that they want us to deny who we are to make them more comfortable.

Fuck that.

I grew up in that world. I woke up and went to sleep every single day for two decades denying my truth. My mother wanted queers wiped out, openly made transmisic and racist comments, embraced white supremacist ideology, and wanted to lift me up as inspiration porn – but only if I relied on her for my care. I spent much of my life biting my tongue and not speaking out against these ridiculous dehumanizing statements. I made a very specific and very difficult choice in cutting my mother out of my life so she could no longer abuse me. Why would I let friends do the same things my mother did?

I mean, do y’all not know me?

The Lisa Simpson inside of me came out and started pushing back against comments that were hurtful and wrong. I became very vocal about how scared I was and how that fear was a very real and very valid response to our political climate.

First, I got rid of friends who thought my people were just overreacting. Then, I started leaving Facebook groups full of oppression olympics (e.g., “My pain is worse than yours!”). I got kicked out of feminist groups for suggesting that labeling oneself an intersectional feminist without welcoming trans/GNC people openly was hypocritical. Using my bachelor’s in religious studies, I shared knowledge with my religious friends about how their viewpoints on religion and non-cishet people were misguided and poor representations of their faith.

Hell, I even started to use my memory of conversations to push back against friends who told different stories of interactions with abusers to different audiences while telling my MeToo story. In the fallout from that, I got emails from ‘friends’ about how my being open about my entire life felt exclusionary to them because that wasn’t their life.

Just because I’m blunt doesn’t make me a bitch or an asshole. I don’t have the energy or the time to entertain people who refuse to see the dangers around us or who only want to look at happy cats on their social media. That doesn’t change or fix our world. Yes, self-care has a place, but fighting needs to happen, too. Between contacting my political representatives daily, protesting, and more, there’s no room for me to please those who only want to see smiling, happy faces. That’s especially true when my health tanked this year.

In losing people who weren’t really friends in a do-or-die sense, though, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m compassionate until someone gives me a reason not to be. People insert tone into my sentences that isn’t there, and that’s not my fault. When I hide emotions, I literally get sicker and deal with a huge amount of pain.

Most of all, I’ve learned that being angry is okay. Anger is an important emotion, one that we have to let ourselves feel. Life isn’t all rainbows, pride parades, and popcorning guinea pigs. Sometimes, life is anger, leading the Rebellion into the Empire’s fortresses. It’s waking up every single day ready to be on the attack because, if we’re not, our rights get taken away.

It’s been this way, every day, for over a year. Maybe I’m too much like Hamilton and I should talk less, smile more. I’m sure I’d get more opportunities, more work if I was just happier… but that’s not me. I work non-stop to help people. Being angry protects me from reaching back out to abusers, and I write for those in similar situations. Anger fuels my fight against those who would have me eliminated or harmed. It pushes me harder in research, writing, politics, and at the gym.

I’m angry – and that’s okay. I have every right to be, and so do you.

Sins Invalid Facebook Live Tonight – Crip Bits: Fucking While Crippled

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a photo with various textures and colors in the background with red-outlined letters "Crip bits" "fucking while crippled part two" and red text over white opaque lines "with Patty Berne and India Harville"

Sins Invalid is one of my favorite sites. They focus on intersections and social justice, especially around sexuality and disability. We have to view people as whole beings, not diagnoses codes.

They’re also just so damn cool:

We define disability broadly to include people with physical impairments, people who belong to a sensory minority, people with emotional disabilities, people with cognitive challenges, and those with chronic/severe illness. We understand the experience of disability to occur within any and all walks of life, with deeply felt connections to all communities impacted by the medicalization of their bodies, including trans, gender variant and intersex people, and others whose bodies do not conform to our culture(s)’ notions of “normal” or “functional.”

They hosted a Facebook Live a few weeks ago that was super amazing and hella popular. It had such a wide reach that they’re holding another!

That’s right! Later tonight, from 6:30-7:30 pm Pacific, you can pop over and check out their live stream! You can ask questions via FB or this Google Form beforehand. If you’re catching this later, you’ll be able to watch via the videos tab on their page.

Did I mention it’s live captioned?

I seriously love them.

Go like them on Facebook and be sure to tune in later tonight!

Featured image from Sins Invalid email.

Help Tell the World: #PatientsHavePower

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Clara Health logo with black text underneath "#PatientsHavePower"

I am proud to announce that we are official participants in the Patients Have Power campaign run by Clara Health (who runs the Breakthrough Crew!).

This campaign is a Boston based initiative aligning the world’s epicenter of healthcare around one message: Patients Have Power. The movement is comprised of patients, caregivers, allies, nurses, doctors, researchers, members of the healthcare workforce and anyone and everyone who believes in patient power all around the world.

I believe patients should be empowered with the knowledge and resources they need to hold the ultimate power in their healthcare journey and are proud to say that we live the mantra: Patients Have Power.

Interested in getting involved? Show your support by participating in the following:

Declare your support: Join our #PatientsHavePower campaign on Twitter. Click to tweet.

Join the Thunder: Add your voice on Thunderclap to help the message spread! Register here.

Twitter Chat: Join the #PatientsHavePower chat on Thursday, September 7 at 3:00 PM EST.

Patients Have Power Signs: On Thursday, September 7 take a picture of yourself holding up a Patients Have Power sign and share on social media.

Nice cream social & card making: Swing by Mother Juice Kendall Square on Thursday, September 7 between 12:00 and 5:00 PM for vegan ice cream and card making for hospital patients. RSVP here.

B&W pic of two people holding hands; white text "Tips & Tricks to Telling Your Partner(s) You Have an STI" at top-middle and "Chronic Sex" at bottom-middle

Tips & Tricks to Telling Your Partner(s) You Have an STI

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Telling your partner or potential love interest that you have an STI is never the most pleasant conversation to have, but it’s one of the most necessary things to discuss. Before you have the big conversation, it’s natural to fear rejection. Your partner may be scared off by your status, their potential risk, or stigma associated with STIs.

Here are some steps to take to make the process go a little smoother.

Tell Them Before You Have To

If you aren’t already in an established relationship of some sort, it may not be wise to enter one without disclosing your STI status. While it’s not necessary to tell everyone you meet about your STI status, you shouldn’t wait too long to disclose it to an individual you’re considering being intimate with. As soon as you know that things may be headed in that direction, it’s best not to wait. The person receiving the news may get frustrated if they feel as though you’ve kept such a vital secret for so long – or you may become frustrated if they end your relationship because of this knowledge. Just like with a chronic illness or disability, disclosing early can save you from becoming invested in someone who will wind up hurting you down the line.

You deserve more than that.

Pick the Right Place and Time

Waiting until you’re in the heat of the moment to disclose your STI status is a bad idea. It can result in anger, frustration, and other negative emotions that can kill a relationship. Like any difficult conversation, you should do it away from the bedroom, fully sober, alone together, and with words prepared.

If You’re Non-Monogamous

This is a great time to discuss how to protect yourselves and each other going forward as well as how often you will get tested in the future. Knowing your status is important for both of you as well as any partners you have.

If You’re Monogamous

If you’re monogamous and contracted the STI from someone who is not your partner, this is going to be difficult news to deliver. It’s important to be both honest and forthcoming.

If you’re positive beyond the shadow of a doubt that you got the STI from your partner, the worst thing you can do is overreact and create an escalating situation. Since many STIs don’t cause symptoms, it’s likely your partner didn’t know their status from before you were together. If you suspect cheating is a factor, bring it up in a straightforward way.

Take Them to Get Tested

If there’s any risk at all you might have exposed your partner to your STI, ask your partner to get tested. If you’re currently in the process of treating away an STI, it might be a comfort to your partner to see your exit paperwork that shows you test negative for your STI when that time comes (if applicable). Click here to find testing locations near you.

Make sure you and your partners get tested regularly if you’re non-monogamous.

Learn Your STI Facts

Some STIs never go away, but can be controlled with treatment. For instance, if you have HIV, having an undetectable viral load means you cannot pass on the condition to others – regardless of whether or not a condom is used. If you have a curable STI, let your partner(s) know how long you’ll need to receive treatment before you’ll be given a free and clear status – and practice risk aware sex in the meantime.

This piece was written in part by David Beeshaw, a blogger and an advocate of sexual health, supporting raTrust – a non-profit organization dedicated to STI and HIV prevention.