Chronic Sex

Photo with trans flag hanging on right side; left side has a blue text box with white line around the outside and black text "Are you trans, nonbinary, or otherwise non-cisgender? Are you 18+ and living in the USA? Click here to try out and provide feedback about an affirming resource aimed at improving wellbeing for trans people! The research study is anonymous and will take 30-45 minutes. You will have a chance to be entered into a lottery for one of five $50 incentives, either as an Amazon Gift Card or donation to Trans Lifeline, your choice!"; bottom righthand corner has black text as well "bit.ly/trans-wellness-study"

Trans Wellness Study

Posted on 30 August 20177 November 2021 by Grayson Schultz

Caitlin Merrill from the University of California-Santa Barbara is conducting a study around an internet-based intervention to improve the psychological well-being of trans peeps.

You will be asked to complete a series of online activities, answer questions about wellbeing, including questions about distress and drug and alcohol use, and provide demographic information. Activities may include reading text, reflecting on your previous experiences, responding to open-ended questions, listening to audio recordings, and watching videos. Because some of the activities may require the use of audio and video capabilities, and the personal nature of the questions you will be asked, we recommend completing this study in a private location.

If you have any questions or comments regarding this study, please contact Caitlin Merrill by email (caitlinmerrill@ucsb.edu) or Tania Israel by e-mail (tisrael@ucsb.edu) or by phone at (805) 893-5008. If you have any questions regarding the rights of research participants, the UCSB Human Subjects Committee can be contacted at 805-893-3807.

This text was pulled from the study description. If you’re interested in participating, please click here. I will say that the videos used do use text without speaking audio. However, because of that, these videos are not accessible for those with visual difficulties. Other videos with speaking audio rely on the YouTube captioning system, that isn’t exact. If you’d like to participate still, though, please reach out to Caitlin or Tania using the contact information above to inquire about accessible options.

Dark background with a photo of a person laying down holding their legs at the knees; legs are crossed obstructing the view of the bum; white text states "chronic sex" and below "Am I *really* trans instead of cis? A discussion of my journey with gender identity"

Am I really trans instead of cis?

Posted on 29 August 201728 August 2017 by Grayson Schultz

TW: sexual assault/abuse, gender dysphoria. This originally appeared on our Medium page.

I have struggled with my gender for all of my life.

[1998–2000ish: Kirsten on a Ferris Wheel during a sunny day, holding the pole in the middle; she has long hair blowing in her face, round John Lennon-eque glasses, a striped white/blue/green shirt, and she is smiling]

As a pre-teen, I was very much a tomboy and began to wonder what I would look like as a male. I would dress up in my uncle’s clothing to see how I would look.

TBH, I was really fucking cute.

In high school, I learned to use my body for sexual attention. I got into clothing that showed off a lot of my body. Still, during any given school week, I would wear more tomboy-esque clothing two days and very feminine clothing two days. The remaining day was probably spent wearing my PJs to school if it wasn’t one of those two options.

[2005, high school senior picture: Kirsten sits on a stone bench with white pants and a teal/dark blue striped collared shirt; she is looking up towards the camera while smiling; she has long hair that goes from dark brown to blondeish at the ends]

When I was in college, I finally told my mother about some sexual abuse I had gone through years earlier. During that conversation, I brought up that I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body often.

“Don’t you ever say that to me, ever again.”

Just in case you needed more proof of my family’s conservativeness, Ted Cruz and my mother follow each other on Twitter.

[2006/2007, Freshman in college: Kirsten is taking a selfie; she is wearing a white button up dress shirt with a grey waistcoat and white lacy bra; she has short dark hair and is standing in front of a dark blue wall with an abstract art poster]

It was really hard to share both of those things with my mother. When I came out as bi/pan on social media, she assumed it was because of my abuse and literally never talked to me about it. I never officially ‘came out’ to her about anything.

I never felt like I fully wanted to be a man, so I really didn’t bring it up to anyone again.

As I started learning more about gender identities and was exposed to them — thanks, Queer Ghost Hunters! — I realized I was genderqueer or genderfluid. I had fellow sex educators recognize this without it being verbally communicated and have had others pick up on this as well. When I began explaining my gender identity with these terms, people were fairly accepting. Overall, it was handled pretty well.

Like many people who are not cisgender, I face gender dysphoria. One of the biggest things that has helped me are videos from Chase. This one, on gender dysphoria, is one I especially like:

Chase documents criteria for a dysphoria diagnosis in adults (need 2/6):

Difference between assigned and expressed gender
Want to get rid of primary/secondary sex characteristics
Want primary/secondary sex characteristics of other gender
Want to be other gender
Want to be treated as other gender
Feel as though you have the typical feels/reactions of other gender

What’s interesting to me about this is I often wonder if I’m really and truly non-cis or if I’m somehow making things up. This is, no doubt, a result of being raised in a household full of abuse and gaslighting. I try to gaslight myself about what my experiences are, who I’m attracted to, and what I want to do with my life. Why would my gender identity be any different, right?

Do I really want to be male? Do I want to be treated as male? Do I act male? I don’t know.

After all, there are plenty of times when I can embrace my femme side.

[2017: color pic of Kirsten laying down tangled in sheets (which cover the good bits) on a white bed with short red hair; pic is taken from end of the bed so K is upside down, legs crossed and bent at the knees, right hand on sheet on chest, and left hand up beside her head; she’s smiling/laughing]

Being genderfluid doesn’t necessarily mean that I would do away with femme features for more non-binary ones. Sure, that’s part of why my hair is short. How I express my gender changes daily — and can change from moment to moment. In those respects, not much has changed since high school or college. The biggest thing is that I am finally embracing being a member of the LGBTQQIA+ community — and that winds up making me unapologetically queer.

You know, in addition to being unapologetically disabled and super justice/rights oriented… which then makes me concerned for my safety in this time of Cheeto-encrusted fascism.

I am certainly not cisgender and that’s permanent. With things changing for me all the time — especially how I feel about my body from an illness/disability perspective — I don’t feel like transitioning is something I can safely do or that I need to do at this point.

Some people don’t feel like that’s a valid trans identity, but it is.

[2017: pic of Kirsten from above, sitting on a dark wooden floor with white moulding and a blueish background; she has her legs bent criss-cross style, though not completely, and is looking down at/playing with her hands; she has on black jeans, a gray tee shirt with white text “Let’s talk about sex — Vibrant” and her white Converse are visible; her hair is reddish-purpleish]

I don’t know what the answer is to my struggles with my gender identity. Some days, I want shaved legs. Other days, having smooth legs just contributes to the dysphoria and anxiety I feel about not feel like I own my body (more than when my body causes itself pain and harm).

For right now, trans and genderfluid both fit me well. And that’s enough.

Badass Sales from Vibrant

Posted on 25 August 201729 August 2017 by Grayson Schultz

It’s no secret that Vibrant is one of my favorite shops.

Here are some of their current sales you should definitely check out.

If you spend $80+ Vibrant will send you a free Broad City bullet vibrator! You don’t need a code for this one, but here’s a link to their more expensive toys.

Right now, you can also save 15% off select We-Vibe toys. Again, you don’t need a code.

The two offers above are only available until 11:59 pm Mountain Time on August 29th.

You can also snag 45% off the Ola Vibrator through Vibrant right now using the code VIP45.

Or, you can save 30% off on over 200 items from August 30th to 11:59 pm MT on September 4th. Just be sure to use the code LABORDAY to save.

If none of those are your jam, you always can save 10% using CHRONICSEX. This is not applicable with other coupon code needing offers, though.

You always get free shipping on orders over $50 at Vibrant, and all proceeds go to the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains. Your money does double duty, contributing to a good cause while helping you enjoy yourself.

How to Enjoy Sex Toys Safely: 4 Healthy Hints

Posted on 24 August 2017 by Grayson Schultz

Few things can bring more joy and excitement to the bedroom than a sex toy. From vibrators with multiple settings to anal plugs, these items not only help you receive the health benefits of sex in a fun way – they can help you discover more about yourself and how you orgasm. However, it is important to use adult toys in a way that is both pleasurable and safe, and there are several ways to keep yourself healthy while you enjoy yourself in the bedroom.

Be Savvy About Materials

The sex toy industry is not heavily regulated, so when you shop, it is important that you understand which materials are safe. This is especially essential when it comes to toys that are made to be inserted into the vagina or anus. Look for products made from silicone, unbreakable glass, or other hypoallergenic materials. Be wary of inexpensive jelly toys which can break down inside the body and may cause irritation, chemical burns, and more. Make sure to check out Dangerous Lilly’s resource on toxic toys.

Clean Items Thoroughly

You may think giving your adult toys a quick rinse and wipe after use is enough to keep them clean, but bacteria might linger. Toys that are not properly cleaned can cause bacterial and vaginal yeast infections that can be passed on to your partner. Clean your items thoroughly after each use with spray, gel, or wipes made specifically to disinfect adult toys. It’s important to also store them in a cool, dry space afterward. Several stores have antimicrobial storage bags or boxes.

Penetrate Wisely

Whether enjoying time alone or playing with a partner, being smart about penetration can help keep you safe and healthy. Speed and depth are both factors, so be sure to experiment with new toys and take time to discover how to insert them comfortably. For example, if you want to experience an anal bullet vibrator for the first time, purchase it during the weekend or during a time when you have time to explore it properly and safely. Go slowly and use a lot of lube. Regardless of experience, make sure to use toys with a flared base, especially if you’re alone. You can even snag flared base add-ons.

Learn About Lube

Lube can provide a measure of comfort during sex play, especially if you are new to items that provide deep penetration. However, not all lube is created equal. You should avoid using lotion or other skin care products on your adult toys, as this may damage them or cause them to degrade. Try using water-based lube that is easy to rinse away, especially on silicone items.

Using sex toys in the bedroom can be fun and exciting, but only if you know how to use them safely. Keep your items clean, play with thoughtful partners, and choose trusted brands as a part of a safe and healthy sex life.

This is a sponsored post.

It’s Internet Self-Care Day! #ISCD17

Posted on 21 August 20178 August 2017 by Grayson Schultz

Our friends over at Aloe/Femsplain have declared today to be Internet Self-Care Day!

What does that mean?

It means we take “the spirit of self-care online, centralizing self-care and helping communities thrive in support of one another.”

Make sure to take a look at their schedule of events – especially their live chat!

Our favorite self-care pieces

The absolute most important piece, though? Self-Care Tips for Radical Social Media Users

Why I Don’t Fawn Over My Husband

Posted on 8 August 201720 February 2018 by Grayson Schultz

a photo of two people (one male one female) on their wedding day laughing with a cut out design on the front; "Why I Don't Fawn Over My Husband" in green and "chronic sex" in white underneath that (bottom-right)

On my personal site, Not Standing Still’s Disease, I call my husband ‘T.’ If you see it here, that’s why.

I haven’t talked about my marriage as much on here as I have elsewhere.

In September, we’ll have been together for a whole decade… which is a little daunting to think about. It feels like longer and shorter at the same time. Sometimes I forget if it was him or someone else I went to events with.

an off-center photo of two people kissing; the main person is wearing a white tee with red text on it and has shorter dark hair; the person on the right is wearing a green shirt with five o'clock shadow and glasses barely visible

When I met him, I was pretty sure we’d get married. After the last few relationships I had, I knew I wanted to disclose my chronic health issues early on. I’d been led on by a few guys who claimed they wanted a long-term relationship but only wanted sex.

I mean, I was 19 so sex was totally fine with me! Mostly I was tired of the deceiving part.

T and I got frozen custard and I mentioned that I had “this arthritis thing.” The way I phrased it really helped him to not catastrophize it. Then again, that’s when I didn’t have medical care and wasn’t diagnosed with most of my other health things.

I interviewed T in 2012 for NSSD. Check it out here. Ironically, that was also the first year I started talking about how arthritis crud affected our sex life.

It’s no secret that my health fun has been hard. It seems like it keeps getting worse, like now when I’m dealing with undiagnosed stuff. T’s still supportive and as helpful as ever. He still takes a lot in stride, holding back a lot of stuff he should probably tell me (like how my lack of vacuuming bugs him, etc.). Add to that how us both being on antidepressants has killed our mutual sex life and… well, you figure out quickly why I review sex toys.

Still, he’s my penguin.

two white people are seen hugging/leaning on each other from behind while sitting next to each other; the male on the left has a plaid shirt and brown hair; the female on the right has a white shirt and reddish hair; trees and foliage are in front of them

I see a lot of disabled or chronically ill people who overly praise their partners. That’s something I felt pushed to do in the beginning when I knew no other 20-year-old would put up with massaging my knees. Now that we’re on either side of thirty and both well-versed in social justice, I don’t feel that way.

Don’t get me wrong – he’s awesome. Our relationship is good. Things – including my illnesses – are stable and at least semi-predictable. We’ve gotten into a rhythm that works for us, have both gotten better at communication (after a number of stumbles on my part), and I know how to read him pretty well.

The thing is… praising him for sticking with me when I’m so fucking ill just perpetuates the myth that those of us with health crap are horrible choices for partners. I won’t fall into the ableism trap that is more-abled-partner worship.

Mountain photo with the following overlaid in white text: "Ableism: THE SYSTEMATIC OPPRESSION OF DISABLED AND CHRONICALLY ILL PEOPLE THROUGH LANGUAGE, ACTIONS, AND OTHER FACTORS" and "Chronic Sex" at the bottom-middle

People fall into this trap a lot. It’s easy to do, given messages we receive about our worth as people who are chronically ill or disabled. It’s assumed that our lives aren’t worth living or that we should be somehow pitied because of our existence. When we worship our partners for ‘putting up’ with us, it just reinforces those ideas.

The world is full of assholes who don’t see disabled people as people. They don’t think living our struggles with us is a worthy journey. That doesn’t mean we should sanctify the non-assholes, though, for being decent people. The reality is that we all have different needs in relationships, whether that’s related to a disability, past experiences, abuse, or a variety of other factors.

Like any person, disabled or not, we all have positive and negative attributes. When you’re a partner, though, you work together and can help to balance each other out.

Sure, there will be more time spent at doctor appointments or sitting in waiting rooms while I get MRI after MRI than there would be while dating an abled partner. There will be more frustrations with health, the medical system, and other forms of systematic oppression. Politics will start mattering to you even more, especially attacks on health care rights… which means you’ll be groggily going to work after staying up until 2 in the morning watching C-SPAN.

That said, I can provide a lot more empathy than the average partner. I’m pretty good at working around things I can’t do, whether that’s sexy or not. You’ll get to help go through pictures of me that are sexy for the sake of being sexy. You’ll always have someone who goes with you to doctor appointments and can advocate for you, there or calling to order pizza.

Just because some parts of our lives are harder because I’m disabled doesn’t mean I’m not a badass partner – or that I should feel crummy for being sick. Without that power difference, there’s really no need to put T on a pedestal. I can still appreciate the neck rubs and late night conversations without deifying T for ‘putting up’ with my illnesses.

[photo of a person with short dark hair; overlays of the Woodhull graphic and a white text "#SFS17" | pink overlay with white text reads "disability, illness, & pain don't remove sexuality from our lives. Sexuality doesn't depend on ABILITY -Kirsten Schultz"]

Off to Woodhull

Posted on 2 August 20177 November 2021 by Grayson Schultz

I’m heading to Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit for the next few days.

Hedonish and I will be presenting Saturday morning on how pain disorders can affect our sex lives – as well as how to counter that.

I’m incredibly grateful to the SFS17 sponsors as well as The Woodhull Foundation for having us.

Make sure to follow along on our Instagram, Twitter, and the #SFS17 hashtag across social media. If you’re attending, too, make sure to say hi!

Tips & Tricks to Telling Your Partner(s) You Have an STI

Posted on 2 August 20171 August 2017 by Grayson Schultz

Telling your partner or potential love interest that you have an STI is never the most pleasant conversation to have, but it’s one of the most necessary things to discuss. Before you have the big conversation, it’s natural to fear rejection. Your partner may be scared off by your status, their potential risk, or stigma associated with STIs.

Here are some steps to take to make the process go a little smoother.

Tell Them Before You Have To

If you aren’t already in an established relationship of some sort, it may not be wise to enter one without disclosing your STI status. While it’s not necessary to tell everyone you meet about your STI status, you shouldn’t wait too long to disclose it to an individual you’re considering being intimate with. As soon as you know that things may be headed in that direction, it’s best not to wait. The person receiving the news may get frustrated if they feel as though you’ve kept such a vital secret for so long – or you may become frustrated if they end your relationship because of this knowledge. Just like with a chronic illness or disability, disclosing early can save you from becoming invested in someone who will wind up hurting you down the line.

You deserve more than that.

Pick the Right Place and Time

Waiting until you’re in the heat of the moment to disclose your STI status is a bad idea. It can result in anger, frustration, and other negative emotions that can kill a relationship. Like any difficult conversation, you should do it away from the bedroom, fully sober, alone together, and with words prepared.

If You’re Non-Monogamous

This is a great time to discuss how to protect yourselves and each other going forward as well as how often you will get tested in the future. Knowing your status is important for both of you as well as any partners you have.

If You’re Monogamous

If you’re monogamous and contracted the STI from someone who is not your partner, this is going to be difficult news to deliver. It’s important to be both honest and forthcoming.

If you’re positive beyond the shadow of a doubt that you got the STI from your partner, the worst thing you can do is overreact and create an escalating situation. Since many STIs don’t cause symptoms, it’s likely your partner didn’t know their status from before you were together. If you suspect cheating is a factor, bring it up in a straightforward way.

Take Them to Get Tested

If there’s any risk at all you might have exposed your partner to your STI, ask your partner to get tested. If you’re currently in the process of treating away an STI, it might be a comfort to your partner to see your exit paperwork that shows you test negative for your STI when that time comes (if applicable). Click here to find testing locations near you.

Make sure you and your partners get tested regularly if you’re non-monogamous.

Learn Your STI Facts

Some STIs never go away, but can be controlled with treatment. For instance, if you have HIV, having an undetectable viral load means you cannot pass on the condition to others – regardless of whether or not a condom is used. If you have a curable STI, let your partner(s) know how long you’ll need to receive treatment before you’ll be given a free and clear status – and practice risk aware sex in the meantime.

This piece was written in part by David Beeshaw, a blogger and an advocate of sexual health, supporting raTrust – a non-profit organization dedicated to STI and HIV prevention.