B&W pic with white text at bottom 'My Boudoir Shoot' 'chronic sex' - pic is of Kirsten silhouetted with a black leather skirt and dark bra on arching her back in a chair against a lit window background

My Boudoir Shoot

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Earlier this year, I was struggling with my body. My gender dysphoria is pretty rough lately. As a genderfluid person, sometimes I really dislike the feminine parts of my body. They seem to get in the way a lot.

I booked a boudoir session with Studio M Boudoir {autoplay music & slideshow in link} using a Groupon.

In the weeks before the shoot, I honestly thought of canceling and trying to reschedule. I’m really glad I stuck with it, though.

On the day of, I was excited, but not as much as I felt like I should be. I was crunched for time and nervous as all get out. Once I got to the studio, though, Melissa made me feel so at home.

I mean, it helped that she checked out this site, too. We talked about shared interests and job stuff both before and after the shoot. It was seriously a lovely time.

Here are some of my favorite pics from the shoot:

B&W pic of Kirsten silhouetted with a black leather skirt and dark bra on arching her back in a chair against a lit window background

B&W: kirsten on her stomach on a bed; she has on a dark bra and dark panties but with a blue plaid shirt on; her right arm props up her head while she smiles, left leg is extended out, and right leg is up in the air

B&W pic of kirsten from above; her dark bra is showing and her plaid shirt is falling off her as she is on her back; her right arm is under her chest as though she's hugging herself; left hand is on her left leg; feet are both against the dark headboard

color pic of kirsten laying down tangled in sheets (which cover the good bits) on a white bed with short red hair; pic is taken from end of the bed so K is upside down, legs crossed and bent at the knees, right hand on sheet on chest, and left hand up beside her head; she's smiling/laughing

color pic of kirsten sitting on the edge of the white bed wrapped in a white sheet a la a mermaid; short red hair; pic is taken from above so K is looking upwards and smiling; the left hand pulls down some of the sheet for cleavage and the right is nearly hugging her again; left leg pokes out of sheet

color pic of kirsten sitting on the edge of the white bed wrapped in a white sheet a la a mermaid; short red hair; pic is taken from above; K is looking away white smiling and laughing with eyes closed; the left hand pulls down some of the sheet for cleavage and the right is nearly hugging her again; left leg pokes out of sheet

The others are butt pictures, and those stay here at home 🙂

Seeing these pictures now, I feel more confident in my gender identity. Some days, I may want to embrace my curves and be very feminine like Ariel (the Little Mermaid, who I seem to dress like often lately). Other days, I may hide all that under dark plaid shirts like the queer person I am.

From an illness standpoint, I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain lately. Because of that, it’s easy for me to hate parts of my body. I stop seeing them for what they are and what they bring and start seeing them for the pain they cause. On top of that, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and feel unhappy about that at times.

It was really nice to be reminded that these parts of me can still be beautiful, can still be useful, and that being a curvy girl isn’t a bad thing.

Should you do a boudoir shoot?

It was an incredibly affirming experience. I really lucked out with Melissa and Studio M. I did a lot of research before using them and was surprised at how awesome they were, even then!

I recognize that I have a lot of privilege in being able to have had this experience, though. Shoots and then the photos themselves can be quite expensive.

I will say that, if it’s something you can afford, it can be very healing.

Have you ever done a boudoir shoot? What did you think?

purple box-shaped graphic with a light blue scalloped line inside surrounding a B&W picture of a femme writing in a notebook with a pen; over the photo says 'WEGO Health Activist Awards: I'm Nominated' in yellow and the bottom of the photo says 'chronic sex' in white text

WEGO Health Activist Awards: I’m Nominated

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I am excited to announce that I have been nominated for a ton of categories in the 6th Annual WEGO Health Awards – Best Kept Secret, Patient Leader Hero, Best in Show: Blog, and Advocating for Another.

WEGO Health is a mission-driven company connecting healthcare with the experience, skills, and insights of patient leaders. They are the world’s largest network of patient leaders, working across virtually all health conditions and topics. Click here to learn more about their Patient Leader Network.

The WEGO Health Awards were created to celebrate those who tirelessly support the mission of WEGO Health: to empower the patient voice. With 16 award categories, the WEGO Health Awards are the only awards across all conditions and platforms that recognize the over 100 thousand inspiring Patient Leaders who raise awareness, share information, and support their communities – but often do so without recognition.

I’ll be honest – I’m not sure who y’all are who nominated me, but you’re beautiful. It’s been a rough couple of years and I’m not always sure anyone is listening, watching, or paying attention to the work I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not doing it for accolades, but it’s nice to get a pat on the back once in a while at the very least.

purple-tinted photo of a person's hand giving a thumbs up on the right; on the left, a golden outlined purple text box says "WEGOHealth Awards" with smaller orange text below saying "endorse me today!"

This year, the 16 WEGO Health Award winners will be honored at the 5th Annual Patient Advocacy Summit in Washington, DC October 23rd and 24th, 2017. How cool is that? It’s a big deal and would be a great thing for any of us to be able to attend. If you’d like more information about the summit, you can learn more here.

I’m now looking to my incredibly supportive network to help endorse me for this award. The best way to help out? Click here to be taken to my WEGO Health Awards profile where you can click “Endorse” under my nominee photo.

If I have ever supported you, made you laugh, or inspired you to keep fighting – please consider endorsing me for this award. You can continue to nominate and endorse your favorite health activists until September 1st.

sepia-toned photo of two people holding hands - only the hands are really visible against a desert-like backdrop - both hands have a lot of jewelry on them - a white overlay on top has black text over it asking "Are You Tired of Cishet Studies on Relationships and Pain, Too" and the same setup below says "chronic sex"

Are You Tired of Cishet Studies on Relationships and Pain, Too?

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I was really excited to see a new study come out saying that a touch from our partners can help relieve pain. It’s one of those obvious things, especially to anyone who knows about how our brains release oxytocin. The hormone has long been known to relieve pain as well as being the ‘love’ hormone.

It increases bonding between people, especially when they’re physically close to each other. For example, it’s released during sexual activity!

I wanted to know more about the study, so I turned to their free journal article on NCBI.

Write-ups don’t tell the whole story

One thing I found interesting was that the study is also heavily focused on empathy. Sure, a loved one hugging you while you’re in pain may help – but it helps more if they care you’re in pain, too.

Additionally, they studied both respiratory and cardiac response in both partners as well. Heart and breathing rates in the non-pain partners tended to try to match those of the pain partners when touch was involved. When pain happened without touch, this didn’t happen.

Anyway, I was excited to see that someone verified something a lot of patients and providers have known for a long time…

Until, you know, I realized this study was only done on cishet couples.

Why are studies always on cishet couples?

From the study write-up:

Dr. Goldstein and colleagues gathered 22 heterosexual couples for their study, who were all aged between 23 and 32.

The researchers asked the couples to participate in a range of tests that replicated the experience of being in a delivery room.

The female participants were assigned the role of “pain receiver,” while the men were “pain observers.”

There’s some good ol’ fashioned sexism in here, too, right?

Barf.

In their limitations section in the journal article, researchers discuss how only females underwent pain and males were the outside partner. They do suggest that there need to be similar studies on same-sex couples, but neither address any other LGBTQIA+ community nor why they chose only cishet couples to begin with.

It’s 2017. Why is it that LGBTQIA+ people still aren’t being involved in research? How meaningful is research when it leaves out an increasingly sizeable chunk of the population?

We need inclusive research

KLB Research logo with tagline: valuing diversity in academic research

I had the pleasure of seeing Dr. Karen Blair of KLB Research speak at the Guelph Sexuality Conference.

Karen was in college when she discovered she was a lesbian. As a result of taking sexuality courses, she began wondering why cishet couples were always the ones in research and books. So, like all great innovators, she started doing the research that needed to happen.

Dr. Blair even did a study right after the Pulse massacre to understand how this was affecting the LGBTQIA+ community. Listening to her speak about the Pulse study was incredibly profound. There’s even a follow-up study accepting participants.

What can we do?

We need more people like Karen – and more awareness of the work she and others do on inclusive research.

Share studies looking for participants whenever you can. Support or participate in The Pride Study. Stay tuned for when ORCHIDS gets going.

Demand more representation. When studies come out and don’t include anyone other than white cishet abled middle-class Americans, we have to speak up and share that this is not reality. This is not inclusive research.

Edit: Our pals over at Clara Health just wrote about the lack of LGBTQQIA2+ representation in studies. Check it out.

Awareness Calendar for July

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

July is the awareness month for:

  • Cleft & Craniofacial issues
  • Cord Blood (esp. banking)
  • International Group B Strep
  • Juvenile Arthritis
  • Minority Mental Health
  • Tickling!

Don’t forget these important awareness days, too:

  • Heterochromia Day (12)
  • Stress Down Day (24)
  • National African American Hepatitis C Action Day (25)
  • World Hepatitis Day (28)
  • Orgasm Day (31)

Go forth and be awesome!

Want to add anything? Leave a comment below!

a hand holding a sparkler against a dark background - white fancy text says "4th of July sale!" at the top while all-caps white text in the lower righthand corner says "save 25%off everything!! Code: Fireworks"

Vibrant: 4th of July Sale

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Our pals over at Vibrant are having a 4th of July sale starting TODAY!

You can save 25% off anything on their site using the code FIREWORKS. Hurry though – you only have until 11:59 pm Mountain Time on the 4th to shop!

Plus, you get free shipping on orders over $50. All proceeds go to support the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains, too! So what are you waiting for? Head over to Vibrant today!

It’s National HIV Testing Day

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Did you know that one in seven people with HIV doesn’t even know they have it?

Part of why is the stigma that still surrounds HIV and AIDS. Many people seem to think the stigma has died out, but they’re neither involved in our communities nor paying attention. Better medications and prevention methods exist, but the stigma of HIV and AIDS remains. This is especially true in the deep south.

Today is National HIV Testing Day here in the states – and a day to talk about erasing some of that stigma.

I’ve been there. I’ve been tested a few times in my life. Each time, I shook in the waiting room before the appointment. Each time, I cried in the car on the way home. It’s as if getting tested meant I was admitting to some moral indiscretion that doesn’t exist.

Hell, one of those times was just before my wedding. I had not had any experiences that led me to exposure and still was told I needed to be tested pre-wedding. Neither hubs nor myself are generally exposed and the experience honestly left a bad taste in my mouth.

Each time, I received negative results.

What matters most in getting tested is having a good experience (unlike the last one I had!). Sometimes, all it takes is a cultural barrier to turn people off from getting tested regularly.

Want to learn more?

Check out the new HIV Risk Reduction Tool (RRT)

Learn more about PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) and PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis)

Check out the amazing HIV and AIDS activists below:

Most importantly, find a test center near you and get tested!

Photo of my hand, featuring my silver band with a sapphire, interlocked via pinky with T’s

What a High Pain Day Taught Me About Hiding My Illnesses

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

TW: mentions of covert incest. This first appeared on our Medium publication page in November 2016.

I have always been someone who takes care of others.

It’s something that I have had to do.

Growing up in an abusive home, I had to take care of everyone — more emotionally than physically, but both for sure. I was the emotional partner for my mother, something called Covert Incest.

Because of that, I’ve always been incredibly independent. I have never wanted anyone else to feel like they had to take care of me. That goes double for my marriage, frankly.

Part of it is that I internalized the ableism that goes along with someone marrying a chronically ill/disabled person. I mean, after all, the expectation is that the ‘well’ one has to take care of the ‘sick’ one. Between that and my independence, I have never wanted my partner to feel like he had to take care of me.

He recently had LASIK and then got a cold a few weeks later, so I’ve been used to taking care of him. It wasn’t even a thing that I was worried about. He needed care and I was here. I mean, DUH.

Lately, maybe because of being more of a caregiver, I have been better about sharing and showing how I am doing and, in turn, my partner has been incredibly understanding and helpful.

Sunday morning, I woke up with intense stomach pain at 3 AM. It was clear that I needed to use the bathroom, so I did so. I spent a while in there, crying because the stomach pain was so bad. Frankly, I was wiping as quickly as I could because I was in so much pain that I thought I would puke, too.

It was not a proud moment.

By the time I was done, 20 minutes had elapsed. My stomach was still in an incredible amount of pain, so I went to the couch instead of my bed. I didn’t want to wake T up and, besides, I wasn’t sure sleep would visit me again.

It did, eventually.

When I woke up again, I was sure that I would be in a ton of pain. I wasn’t, which was perplexing, but I wasn’t going to question it, either.

And then, it happened.

A brick wall with an overlay that says ‘fuck this pain’ and a fancy curly doodle underneath

Over the course of a short time — something under five minutes — my pain went from not-an-issue to holy-fucking-shit-why.

Everything got heavy. I was barely able to hold up my phone. My muscles felt like what I assume they would feel like if I was able to run a marathon or do the Ironman.

I couldn’t hide it.

T asked if I was tired and I explained what was going on.

“What can I do? Ice packs? Biofreeze?”

Without hesitation, he jumped in and helped with whatever I thought might be helpful. A few minutes later, he had grabbed the Biofreeze and we slathered my arms. He snagged me an NSAID, too.

I don’t care if I can’t do much with my legs, but being unable to do much with my arms is a problem.

Within probably 30–45 minutes of the onset of the pain, I was asleep.

When I woke up, the initial pain was eased. My muscles were still in an incredible amount of pain, though.

T took me to our bedroom and asked what he could rub to help. He rubbed my hands, my feet, and my knees.

I apologized to him for all of this. I’m so good at stepping in and taking care of him, he said. He figures that I know how to best take care of myself, so it’s not a thing.

“But I’m always here to help when I can.”

In that moment, I realized a lot.

As vulnerable as so many applaud me for being, I still have a long way to go. I’m not nearly as vulnerable as I pretend I am.

I try to not let others see my illness fun firsthand. When I’m feeling bad and T’s at work, I talk on social media but rest. I write about what I’m going through, but in a safe space — at home, usually alone, and usually feeling slightly better than the time period I’m writing about.

This goes double for when I am sick at home. I cancel calls or FaceTime meetings with friends. I hide the extent of my illnesses from everyone — even T.

I have to stop pretending that I’m fighting against my illnesses on my own. The reality is so far from that — I am surrounded my love and support, and nowhere else is that true than at home.

Black and white photo of a bride and groom dancing

Review: Good Clean Love CaraGold Premium Lube

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I’ve been wanting to try CaraGold from Good Clean Love for a while now.

Over the course of a few weeks, I had several people message me and tell me to try it from randos to pals to other sex educators. Naturally, the next time I found myself at an awesome shop – Shag in Brooklyn! – I picked up a tube.

What is CBD?

I use a lot of CBD products. For those who aren’t as familiar with it, CBD stands for cannabidiol. It’s a naturally occurring part of the marijuana and hemp plants. Unlike THC (Tetrahydrocannabinol), CBD is not mind-altering or psychotropic. Still, there is some debate over the legality of it.

CBD oil has a lot of benefits. It can help with anxiety, seizures, pain, nausea, inflammation, appetite, PTSD, and more. There are many ways to utilize CBD – lotions, tinctures, salves, etc. CaraGold, though, is the first lube I’ve seen.

To the lube!

The first thing I was struck by was how thick this stuff is.

Left: CaraGold                                                              Right: another amazing lube

It’s much more gel than liquid in texture but is still body safe and free from parabens and glycerin:

Ingredients: Organic Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Xanthan Gum, Carrageenan, Organic-compliant flavor (EU: Aroma), Lactic Acid, Potassium Sorbate, Sodium Benzoate, Dimethyl Isosorbide, Organic Cannabis Sativa Seed Oil

CaraGold has a pleasant smell, too. It’s not quite as strong as the vanilla smell from GCL’s Almost Naked but is still lovely.

TMI ALERT

Before I get into how I liked the lube, let’s talk about why this was a draw for me – other than the general CBD thing.

I have been dealing with some pretty uncomfortable vaginal/uterus stuff. Sometimes it comes on randomly and other times it shows up after penetration or orgasm… which really sucks. It’s almost like my whole uterus is spasming and just being ridiculous. Yes, I know, I need to talk to my primary care doc. There are some other fires to put out first like my neurological WTF.

Honestly, it’s been enough that it made me put off the last two toy reviews for a few months. I just couldn’t bring myself to test toys.

Using this lube has been a game changer. I was able to do more than just penetration but get a little adventurous, too. That’s been a first for a while.

CaraGold lasted very well, whether I was being active or not. I sat for a while and played on my phone in between testing and didn’t even have to reapply!

It’s kind of amazing.

Final verdict?

I highly recommend Good Clean Love products in general, but especially CaraGold.

It’s the Pulse Anniversary

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Before I go any further, I want to point this out: As a white person in a heterosexual marriage living without religion, I am protected from a lot of these issues. I certainly don’t face the obstacles that queer Muslims of color,  Latinx people celebrating Latin night at Pulse, or my friend Benjamin who used to frequent Pulse do on a regular basis. I recognize that privilege as I write this.

I’m having some feels today about Pulse and the LGBTQIA+ community.

This time last year, I hadn’t fully come out. Hell, I didn’t understand my gender identity yet.

Hubs and I were on a road trip from where we live to California, taking our extra car to my sister. The day before the Pulse shooting, we stopped in Laramie, Wyoming, to visit the Matthew Shepard bench.

bench with a placard: "Matthew Wayne Shepard December 1, 1976 - October 12, 1998 Beloved son, brother, and friend he continues to make a difference peace be with him and all who sit here

I had to stop there. I wrote the following on Facebook:

In the last 20 years, so much has happened to push ahead equal rights for the LGBTQIA community, but this one sticks in my head the most. I was ten when it happened and I just remember crying for days. No one deserves to be treated the way Matt was. I’ve seen his mother speak and it’s clear that his death was a loss to our world.

We sat there for a while. I cried and sent good thoughts into the world. I wanted to wish so badly that we were past these kinds of acts.

To wake up literally the next day and have T tell me the little we knew about the attack in the morning… it was surreal. We know now that the Pulse shooting was the deadliest mass shooting in the United States. 49 people were murdered and nearly 70 wounded.

As I read more, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t place my feels or give them names at the time. I’m still not sure that I can. Grief and sorrow were there. Fear was definitely there.

Knowing that I could easily be at Pulse should I have been in Orlando during Pride? That was there, too.

And then, because of my background in religious studies and Islam, I feared the backlash that came – the bigotry against Muslims in addition to the bigotry against our community.

Most of all, I was feeling harmed. It was the first time that I felt I was a part of the queer community.

Clubs and Pride – these are supposed to be safe places for us.

Pride is about celebrating who we are. It’s also about remembering the struggles of those who came before us in the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights, like Marsha P Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. We have to figure out how to carry on the legacy of the lives lost to hate.

This is why we must take action when we see something wrong. Volunteer. Donate. Raise funds. Call out others on their hate. Use your privilege to elevate marginalized voices. Vote against hateful rhetoric. Educate others. Give blood if you’re able.

Don’t allow hatred to blur how you see the world. Let it, instead, push you to love more, laugh harder, and fight for each other.

Today, let’s remember those who were murdered in a safe space, and push progress forward in their names:

Stanley Almodovar III
Amanda Alvear
Oscar A Aracena-Montero
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala
Antonio Davon Brown
Darryl Roman Burt II
Angel L. Candelario-Padro
Juan Chavez-Martinez
Luis Daniel Conde
Cory James Connell
Tevin Eugene Crosby
Deonka Deidra Drayton
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez
Leroy Valentin Fernandez
Mercedez Marisol Flores
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz
Juan Ramon Guerrero
Paul Terrell Henry
Frank Hernandez
Miguel Angel Honorato
Javier Jorge-Reyes
Jason Benjamin Josaphat
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice
Anthony Luis Laureanodisla
Christopher Andrew Leinonen
Alejandro Barrios Martinez
Brenda Lee Marquez McCool
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez
Kimberly Morris
Akyra Monet Murray
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera
Joel Rayon Paniagua
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez
Enrique L. Rios, Jr.
Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan
Edward Sotomayor Jr.
Shane Evan Tomlinson
Martin Benitez Torres
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez
Luis S. Vielma
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon
Jerald Arthur Wright
Stanley Almodovar III
Amanda Alvear
Oscar A Aracena-Montero
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala
Antonio Davon Brown
Darryl Roman Burt II
Angel L. Candelario-Padro
Juan Chavez-Martinez
Luis Daniel Conde
Cory James Connell
Tevin Eugene Crosby
Deonka Deidra Drayton
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez
Leroy Valentin Fernandez
Mercedez Marisol Flores
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz
Juan Ramon Guerrero
Paul Terrell Henry
Frank Hernandez
Miguel Angel Honorato
Javier Jorge-Reyes
Jason Benjamin Josaphat
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice
Anthony Luis Laureanodisla
Christopher Andrew Leinonen
Alejandro Barrios Martinez
Brenda Lee Marquez McCool
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez
Kimberly Morris
Akyra Monet Murray
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera
Joel Rayon Paniagua
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez
Enrique L. Rios, Jr.
Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan
Edward Sotomayor Jr.
Shane Evan Tomlinson
Martin Benitez Torres
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez
Luis S. Vielma
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon
Jerald Arthur Wright

Learn about the stories of those who lived through the shooting at DearWorld.org.

Consider donating to the onePULSE Foundation today.

Review: Laya II

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I received the Laya II for free from our affiliate Fun Factory in exchange for an honest review.

The Laya II is made of silicone, making it easy to grip. It’s waterproof, easy to clean, and about 4 inches in length.

One of the things that I love about Fun Factory toys is how they charge via magnetic USB. It cuts down on waste and that horrible feeling of being unable to change batteries that so many of us with hand dexterity issues know all too well.

I was really intrigued by the shape of this toy. The material plus the angle and how easy the buttons would be to reach made this, at first look, the perfect toy.

It’s ergonomic, easy to hold, and easy to control. I really like the Fun Factory button features on all their toys – and how there’s a lock feature for when I travel. Seriously, traveling with sex toys is interesting enough without a vibrating suitcase!

I tend to use my toys alone, especially the first few times. While using this, then, it’s important to note that I was using it myself.

It was certainly amazing for edging. It was enough to get me revved up but just didn’t seem to pack enough power to get me to climax. Still, I can see where it would be useful for me in times when I may be dealing with difficulty becoming aroused. Vibrations can always be helpful for that.

I was feeling a little bummed out, though, that I just couldn’t get myself to cum with this toy alone. I mean, I usually cum really easy and really quickly.

I thought of something different to try, though.

On their site, Fun Factory talks about how the Laya II can be great for a number of things including straight up massage.

It was really, really good for some of my trigger points in my upper back and neck… though, I wish it was slightly longer. That way I could reach some of the other points without contorting.

All in all, this was a fun toy. It’s a good reminder that we focus too much as a society on orgasm as the goal of any sexual play – even me – and that vibrators can be great for so many reasons. If you’re looking for a good edging or arousal toy, one to use for partner play, or just a great trigger point massager, the Laya II might be just what you need.