Why It’s Hard for Me to Communicate on my Illnesses and Pain

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

A few months ago, my husband and I had our first real fight after nearly a decade of being together. It had to do really with my lack of communication on how I’m doing. As much as I help others with communication skills within relationships, I’m not great at verbally communicating my own illness fun. It’s how I started writing about everything so, ya know… I just wrote this to him as a way to share more of my feels. This piece originally appeared on our Medium publication in February.

Hey love,

I know it’s hard for you to see what I’m going through. Invisible illnesses don’t make it easy for people to see all the ways they impact my life. I’ve gotten pretty good at coping with my illness fun, too, which doesn’t make it easy to tell when I’m struggling. Like a prey animal, I hide when my pain increases because it makes me vulnerable. I become an easy target for people to mock or harm.

Despite all this work I do with others on communication, I’m not great at it myself. I know that if I communicated what I’m dealing with better, it would improve both of our lives. It’s hard, though.

Just like showing my illness fun is vulnerable, talking about it is, too… except on steroids.

It’s easy and commonplace for me to notice my own pain or how my illnesses are being exacerbated on any given day. I have to do this in order to survive my day. Living is full of calculations for me —

Which extra medications do I take at which times? When do I use the ‘big gun’ medicines? Which of my non-medicinal relief methods can help, and in which order should I use them?

This has all become as natural to me as breathing.

Everything I do and experience is colored by pain and illness, even on the best days. When I talk about all of this, it reminds me how sick I am. It’s just a reminder of how differently you and I experience life. I know that my illnesses and pain doesn’t mean I’m lesser than you. Still, my depression and anxiety love to play on that.

It makes me scared, too. I get scared about how sick I am and how many more rough than easy days I have lately. I fear for what this means for my future — our future. My anxiety takes over and wonders:

Are my medications working? Do we have to switch again? I’m running out of options. How long will I live, then?

And then I wonder how long you’ll stay.

You say you won’t leave. Part of me knows you won’t. Still… there is so much evidence against relationships and illness. I can’t help but worry about this. How sick can I get before you decide it’s too much, even if you don’t tell me?

When I can’t cope as well with all this, it also makes me feel like a failure.

I’ve been sick since I was five. I’m so adept at hiding how painful existing is for me. Even physicians often don’t believe how pained I am because I smile and laugh.

The truth is, if I didn’t do those things, if I didn’t hide how I’m doing, I wouldn’t survive. If I had to talk about every single thing I endure and the pain I experience, it would remind me of how subpar all this makes me feel. It’s not easy on my mental health.

I know that my lack of communication sometimes makes living with me difficult. I promise that I will work on communicating better, even if we use code words for things. I will try to be more open about how I’m doing, what I can do, and what I need.

But I need something from you.

When I talk about my pain and illness state, please listen. Ask me questions. Hold my hand. Hold me. Recognize how hard I’m trying to break this habit of hiding.

It isn’t easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I’m trying.

7 Ways to Feel Sexy Again

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Not every one of these tips will work to help everyone feel sexy. That said, these are some of my favorite ways to start feeling sexy again.

Get in touch with yourself.

Getting in touch with yourself can mean different things to different people.

A bed with pillows sits in a soothing room; there is a hardwood floor with a rug at the end of the bed; light is coming through the sheer white curtains

One important thing for all of us to do is to figure out what sensations we enjoy. This can mean sexually – what touches or smells or sounds turn you on or help get you closer to orgasm? What are some of those things you don’t enjoy? What things would you put on your Yes/No/Maybe sexy times list?

This can also be non-sexually. What is your sense of style like? How about your communication style? Who do you find attractive?

All of these things, sexually or non-sexually, are going to help us build a foundation of self-love for the following steps.

Wear what makes you feel sexy – but is comfortable, too.

This is a common tip for discovering how sexy we are and loving our bodies. The one thing I’ve added here is the comfort factor. I used to love wearing high heels. Now, I just can’t get away with it for more than a day or two a month. When I do go for heels, I make sure to wear a pair that’s supportive and comfortable so I’m able to wear them as safely and as pain-free as possible. That should go for lingerie or anything else – unless, of course, a little bit of pain is sexy to you.

I love lingerie but just can’t wear it often. Many kinds of lingerie are tight, can exacerbate the prevalence of UTIs, and can be itchy. Now, though, I wear a lot of superhero underwear and lace bralettes (from Torrid!). The combination helps satisfy my gender identity (genderqueer) in addition to being comfortable and sexy in a very nerdy way.

a photo of me laying down on my stomach; you only see me from the waist down, with sexy lacy underoos on my bum; the picture is B&W with purple text overlay that says "love your body"

Lingerie or cute underwear can be a really fun way to surprise someone if you’re focused on looking sexy for them. You should always focus on comfort, though, and how you want to feel.

If not wearing something makes you feel desirable, naughty, or attractive, that’s a way to go, too. If you’re able to, sometimes going ‘commando’ or sans underwear can put a pep in your step. Just like with wearing fancy underoos, it’s like a special secret only you know.

Play up your features and show off.

Once you feel sexy and know what styles you like best, show it off! Take some selfies or, if you’re able, do a photo shoot with a pal or other photographer. Hell, you could do a boudoir shoot. I have one planned for mid-July and I’m very excited, despite being at my highest weight, because I know I’m goddamned cute.

A white girl (me!) with a teal shirt; subtle makeup save for red lips and eyeliner

The photo above is of me in 2013 when I was working on finding out what I wanted to look like the next year for my wedding. We ending up going slightly less retro than the above looks, but this was a way I showed off my eyes (with dark eyeliner) and my lips (with bright red lipstick). Now, though, I would aim much more for a faux hawk and neon pink lip gloss.

Styles evolve, and that’s part of why we need to take the time to get in touch with ourselves every so often.

Role play.

Pretend you’re one of your favorite people. If you think Beyonce or Ruby Rose or Vin Diesel are attractive, what would it be like to pretend to be them for a day? Would you carry yourself differently? Dress differently? Value your time and energy more?

Maggie Gyllenhaal playing Lee Holloway; B&W photo; Maggie is in a white shirt with black polka dots and is leaning over a desk with a surprised look on her face

Another way to go about this could be to fantasize about being characters you like. Do you think Lee Holloway from Secretary is hot? What about Magic Mike? How would these people act? What would they wear? How would they see themselves?

Sometimes using characters from movies or even real life people can make us feel even more unsexy if we can’t meet expectations like how they dress or move. If that’s the case, consider using someone from history or a book who might have less of a specific way of dressing up.

Get down, get down!

Dancing can be a wonderful way to feel sexy.

First of all, music is incredibly influential on our emotions. If you play “For Good” from Wicked, for example, I think nearly every person cries. Play “I Wanna Sex You Up” and crying may be the last thing on your mind.

There are many ways to dance. Doing it in a way that’s most comfortable and accessible to you is important. That said, if you’re able to do a striptease – even by yourself – it can heavily influence how you see yourself. I’m bad at buttons so I’m bad at stripteases… but I’m pretty good with moving my butt in some sexy ways.

Stick to whatever is most comfortable and accessible for you.

Speak your truth and set boundaries.

One of the most attractive things about people can how independent they are – especially if we aren’t necessarily able to be as self-sufficient. One way we can work on independence, though, is to speak our truths and set better boundaries for ourselves.

Speaking your truth can mean a lot of things. For me, it’s not holding back when someone close to me says something offensive. I correct them, even if the offensive thing isn’t directed at me or even impacts me directly (i.e., racist comments, etc.). It also includes speaking up against ableism and abuse in general, but especially that I’ve lived through. Not everyone appreciates that I share these things, but the people who matter do.

As far as setting up boundaries, there are a lot of things we can do. Again, only do these things if you are able to and comfortable with them.

A femme (from shoulders up) lies down with a blue towel rolled up under her head and cucumbers on her eyes

Set up times during the day when you don’t answer phone calls, respond to texts and emails, or use social media. In other words, set aside time for you – whether you use that as a time to be productive or to relax and rest.

Pull back from people who take without giving or who treat you poorly. Don’t let societal expectations keep you attached to bigoted or abusive family. When I cut my abusive mother out of my life, I began to feel incredibly independent, worth more, and became more confident.

Make time for you to do things that matter to you, whether that’s making art or being more physically active.

See yourself as you are.

When we’re dealing with chronic illness, pain, disability, and more, it’s easy to see ourselves as a collection of our ICD-10 codes or symptoms. We may see the weight we’ve gained on steroids or other medications, our assistive devices, and the patches we need to get through the day.

Do you see you in all of that?

An African American woman from the shoulders up; she is posing for a photo shoot; she has blonde hair in tight ringlets and is wearing jewelery

It can be really hard to remember who we are under everything we have to do to stay alive.

One fun way to remember you in the midst of pain is to have a photo shoot! You could just take a bunch of selfies, have a pal take a few pics, or even schedule with professional photographers. Hell, do a boudoir shoot if you feel like it! (Note: I totally have a regular photo shoot and a boudoir shoot coming up within the next month. I’m super excited about both!)

Another fun thing is to do something you love with close friends. Sometimes it can be something as simple as going to lunch with an old pal, getting a pedicure, or singing songs at the top of your lungs. Whatever reminds you how your life isn’t just about pain, illness, and disability is a good thing.

It’s your turn! What are some things you do to feel sexy? Tell us in the comments!

Delightful Cycle

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I’ve known Alex since high school. Oddly enough, she’s one of those friends that I feel closer to now from 2,000 miles away than I did when we saw each other every single day. A lot of that has to do with the shared experience of rough health stuff. One of the best things about shitty health (maybe the only thing?) is how it inspires a lot of us to do what we do – especially Alex. She and her sister Jenny recently launched Delightful Cycle and I knew it was something I wanted Alex to be able to share that with you here.

Delightful Cycle – The Beginning.

When Kirsten reached out to me, as a wonderfully supportive, excited friend, I didn’t exactly know how to put everything into words, particularly a sincere gratitude to our warrior advocate. Undoubtedly, you know what I’m talking about. This girl is an inspiration, traveling across the country, speaking up for those whose voices fall on deaf ears, blogging her way to fame. She has earmarked a rather intimidating section of the internet; combatting trolls, ableists, and general sexists to make sure that we have a voice… Not to mention the daily betrayals of her own body, which she naturally takes into stride.

I’m going to be frank; we started this Delightful Cycle for her. For you.

When we founded the company, my sister and I both suffered from chronic conditions. Myself, I was diagnosed 5 years ago with Trigeminal Neuralgia. My sister has Crohn’s Disease. We know what it means to count your spoons. We also know that life unforgivingly doesn’t stop, even when your spoons are gone. I can’t always make the trip to the grocery store. I can’t always get my bath drawn. Jennifer knows that if she wants any sense of normalcy, she has to stay away from her triggers.

But, Aunt Flo does not give a shit about that. She comes anyway. During her weekly stay, I struggle to find the spoons necessary to keep my head on straight. I can’t tell you how many times I have had her arrive and found myself not only surprised completely by her arrival but with only maybe 2 tampons from last month’s stock. Not good.

When Jenny and I were in research stages, we met with women from all over to hear about their experiences. We were not alone. You are not alone. The responsibilities that we shoulder can be tremendously stressful, exhausting, and they deplete our resources.

Our mission is to be that reminder to practice self-care. We want you to take all the time in the world in your bubble bath, and enjoy some moisturizing bath bombs. Delightful Cycle is a discrete delivery service, customizing each and every kit we send to our clients to include their favorite brands of feminine products, their favorite snack items, and some luxury goodies. We offer free shipping with every kit we send within the US and Canada.

https://youtu.be/8_NTsDY7WIo

We offer three different kits because let’s face it: no period is the same, amirite?

  • A Lady’s Lite Kit – Here’s the quickest, and simplest option for our ladies: A Lady’s Lite Kit. Let us know what brand of tampon or pad is your favorite, and we will make sure you never have to make that run to the store again. Every month will include more than enough feminine care, 3 surprise items, and a snack to satisfy those cravings.
  • Go With the Flow Kit – this kit includes everything you might possibly need for when Aunt Flo comes knocking. We want to have you ready with all the supplies to make her stay as luxurious and comfortable as possible. More than just a tampon/chocolate subscription, every month will feature a few luxury items that will pamper you, as we aim to be a gentle reminder to practice some much-needed self-care. Try it today, and you’ll receive an email shortly, so we can build the perfect box for you. Your box will have your favorite brands, favorite snacks, and a few surprise goodies each month. $40 retail value, you only pay $19.95, with free shipping!
  • Pamper Me Organically – Our all natural and organic supplies aren’t just appeasing to Mother Nature, but also to anyone with sensitive skin. Chlorine-free organic tampons, vegan makeup, delicious organic tasty delights. Let us pamper you with all natural, completely organic luxury goods. We want to make you feel loved during that time of the month. Every month we will feature different amazing products to help you feel better than normal, all packed up in our recycled packing material and boxes.

And guess what? Use code 20OFF and you’ll save 20% on your order!

Make sure to visit Delightful Cycle and their awesome social media pages – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube – for more information. You can support Delightful Cycle in their new Indiegogo campaign!

 

What is the Pride Study?

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The Pride Study is the first large-scale and long-term study of health in the LGBTQIA+ population.

In the end, doctors and scientists at the University of California-San Francisco are going to use the Pride Study to better understand – and then work to improve – the health of the LGBTQIA+ community at large.

One of the biggest problems in tracking health within our community is that gender identity and sexual orientation are often removed from our data – if they’re even collected. That means there’s just no way to find those in our community and track their health over time.

Eligibility

To be eligible, you have to live in the United States and identify as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. You can check your eligibility status here. If you know someone who would qualify but does not have internet access, they can call 855-421-9991 to sign up.

What do I have to do?

All you have to do is fill out a survey that takes about half an hour once a year. That’s it!

If you are not a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and would like to support this study financially, please visit their donate page. If you live in the United States and want to volunteer for Pride Net – regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation – check out their volunteer page.

How easy is it?

I signed up since I’m genderqueer and pansexual. I found that it was really easy and very accessible. You can even connect a FitBit, Withings, or Jawbone Up to provide even more data.

Your dashboard also gives you statistics on how the research participant pool looks right now in relation to your own identities. As of June 3rd, 16% of people in the study identified as genderqueer and 15% identified as pansexual.

I have to say, though, 77% of participants as of that date are white. Let’s get some diversity!

You can learn more about PRIDENet, the team, and find answers to many questions at pridestudy.org. For more info on the study, check out this PDF.

Review: Tantus Uncut 2

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I received the Tantus Uncut 2 for free from our affiliate Vibrant in exchange for an honest review.

The Tantus Uncut 2 is a silicone dildo. It is just under six and a half inches long and about an inch and a half wide. It resembles an uncut penis, meaning that it still has foreskin.

Its predecessor, the Uncut 1, was one of the first uncut dildos I had seen. That one is also a tad bigger than the Uncut 2. I’m really glad that Tantus released this smaller version because it’s a lot easier to handle.

 

The Uncut 2 is pliable, but still firm. The fact that it is uncut honestly made it easier to use because the size is so much more uniform.

One of the things I liked the most was that every single angle felt different. Between that and the texture? It was much more realistic than I really expected.

It’s definitely harness-compatible and the flared base makes it safe for both vaginal and anal play. The wide base made it easy to hold onto. I will say that, even though I found this easier on my hands than many dildos, I would really have liked it if there was an easier way to hold this.

All in all, though, that’s my only improvement.

If you’re looking for an uncut dildo, you really can’t go wrong with the Uncut 2.

Awareness Calendar for June

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Here are the things the month of June is all about:

  • Adult Sex-Ed
  • Aphasia
  • Cataract
  • Congenital Cytomegalovirus
  • Hernia
  • Hunger
  • LGBTQIA+ Pride
  • Men’s Health
  • Migraine & Headache
  • Myasthenia Gravis
  • PTSD
  • Scleroderma
  • Scoliosis

Specific days/weeks:

  • World Hypoparathyroidism Awareness Day (1)
  • National Cancer Survivors Day (4)
  • HIV Long-Term Survivors Day (5)
  • National Headache Awareness Week (5-11)
  • Caribbean-American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (8)
  • Cervical Screening Awareness Week (12-18)
  • Men’s Health Week (12-18)
  • World Blood Donor Day (14)
  • Autistic Pride Day (18)
  • World Sickle Cell Day (19)
  • Helen Keller Deaf-Blind Awareness Week (24-30)
  • National HIV Testing Day (27)

Stay tuned for more about some of these amazing topics!

World MS Day May 31 2017

World Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Day

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

It’s World MS Day!

The day was started back in 2009 by the MSIF – the MS International Foundation to raise awareness about MS.

Wait, what is MS again?

MS is a neurologic disorder where the myelin, which protects the nerves, starts disappearing in the brain and spinal cord. Scientists don’t have a cause yet, but this is an autoimmune disease. Essentially, the Immune System is destroying the myelin – AKA a large part of the Central Nervous System (CNS). T cells, the badasses of the Immune System, help carry out the friendly fire.

There are four kinds of MS. I know that I can’t do them justice, though, so I suggest visiting the National MS Society’s page on this for more info. The damage done by the disease can only exist for the duration of a flare-up or relapse. It can also improve a bit when that period is over or become permanent. Some of that depends on the type or the severity of the damage, and some of it seems to be unexplainable.

MS symptoms include fatigue, numbness/tingling, weakness, vision issues, spasticity, dizziness, bladder and bowel problems, pain, speech and swallowing problems, tremors, and more. The diagnosis process is tricky because of how many diseases can share these symptoms and the lack of a defined singular test.

Like in so many conditions, diagnosing MS means taking into account a patient’s history, their familial history, conducting a physical exam, and labs to check for other issues. A B12 deficiency, for example, can mock a lot of these symptoms. Then, of course, there are the bigger tests – MRI, Evoked Potentials, and checking spinal fluid through a spinal tap.

That said, around 5% of people don’t show their MS on MRIs.

Cue my inner screaming at the fact that we don’t know what’s currently going on with me but my MRI looked ‘normal.’

2.3 million people around the world deal with MS that was, more often than not, diagnosed in their later 20’s/early 30’s. It is more common in women, unfortunately.

There is also a genetic factor.

A Chronic Sex Connection

I have a personal connection to MS in that my great grandma Katie dealt with it. We watched her go from using a scooter rarely to relying on it and being unable to go out. I baked with her when I was little and she’d put me on the countertops to reach the cabinets. That is until she got a grabber and I got too big.

In the 70’s and 80’s, there just wasn’t enough information about MS. Doctors didn’t know what to look for and didn’t have the right equipment anyway. They gave Katie the runaround and told her those stereotypical things women are told about illnesses doctors aren’t educated enough on.

A later-middle-aged woman with short dark hair, glasses, and a white dress with black buttons and a black belt plays with a fat baby who has a white headband, white dress, and white shoes/socks on
Yeah, I did just post a picture of baby me and my great grandma on the same site I talk about my vagina

More education and better technology came in the 90’s. Still, it doesn’t do much without better medications which only recently came about. Katie passed away in 1999 as a result of complications from her disease.

What about MS now, though?

Thankfully, there are a variety of treatments for MS now that make it a lot easier to live well. More awareness about MS has been coming about lately, too, because of the willingness of celebrity patients – like Teri Garr, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Jack Osbourne, and Montel Williams – to speak up.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler (via IMDB)

Jamie-Lynn has actually opened up about how MS affects her sex life and relationship:

First and foremost, [sex] is the last thing on your mind at the end of the day. That’s not where your head’s at. It’s a part of you that you can forget that is still really important. Sometimes pushing yourself to have sex can be like, “Oh yeah, I do enjoy this! I do enjoy this part of me!” You’re laying down, you can definitely make it work for yourself. And then there’s physical things that affect everyone. For me, because I have bladder issues, I have to make sure I always…like, spontaneity is out the window, so I have to make sure I go to the bathroom before. So there’s certain ways I have to manage it and be responsible with it. But you don’t want to lose feeling sexy, and I can feel that sometimes, where I’ll say, “I don’t feel sexy. I don’t feel good today.” Like, I feel dumpy. My husband is wonderful and great at making me feel good about myself—or trying to at least! But, like I said, there’s times I’m like, “I’m going to do this for him,” and then realize it’s actually for me too.

Jamie-Lynn touched upon a lot of issues with sex and intimacy. Fatigue, pain, and body image issues are big ones for sure.

Physical issues with sex are often overlooked for MS patients. That said, this is actually a population that is getting studies around sex done! Vaginal dryness and difficulty orgasming are two big things for vagina-havers. Orgasms and erections become tough for penis-havers as well.

Changes in someone’s sex drive can affect their relationships, too. That’s part of why communicating with your partner(s) is an important part of any sex life, but especially one with illness/disability involved.

Who to Follow

Vibrant Memorial Weekend Sale

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Our affiliate, Vibrant, is having a sale this weekend! You can save 25% off your entire purchase when you use the code SUMMER2017.

You have through Monday to snag your goodies!

Remember – all proceeds from Vibrant go to support Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains.

With the current political climate and funding issues they’re encountering, they need our support more than ever. They’re closing several clinics, including the one location they had in Wyoming – which is now the second state after North Dakota to be without a single Planned Parenthood. Colorado is losing two clinics and New Mexico is losing three.

Guest Post: Sex is an Important Part of a Healthy Relationship, Right?

Posted on by Guest

TW: childhood sexual abuse (mention), and pregnancy/parenthood/babies.

When I began my sexuality studies as an excited young pup I remember reading, “sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.” Yes! Validation that it is not only worth prioritizing sex in a relationship, but necessary to its success. I took this little sentence and threw it around, loud and proud, to everyone who would listen (and even those who would rather I shut up– such as people who identify as asexual, for example).

Then life happened.

I began struggling with chronic digestive pain. Then endometriosis. Then repeated kidney stones! I started therapy for childhood sexual abuse. Sex as a psychologically and physiologically painful activity became my reality. My lower abdominal world can be a delicate, tired, sore place. Here’s what it taught me:

Even if you’re not asexual, sex does not need to be an important part of a healthy relationship.

Surprise.

I do have sex, it’s not totally out of my life and I have prioritized healing my sexuality and making it my life’s work. As an aspect of my relationship, it has fallen from priority number one to a delightful extra if the stars align. So, when I was asked in an interview, “isn’t sex an important part of a healthy relationship,” I realized that statement was misleading.

Sex can be an important part of a healthy relationship. But that’s not up to me to decide as a sexual health expert. That’s not up to your doctor, therapist, or sex ed teacher. That’s for you to decide. Yes, relationship satisfaction tends to move with sexual satisfaction in a relationship, but I think we may have misunderstood this little statistical finding, or worse, we have inappropriate statistical tools for measuring satisfaction that doesn’t capture what it means for all sexual people or asexual people. Tools aside, I can tell you that my sexual and relationship satisfaction is high even though I don’t prioritize sex in my relationship. Why?

I asked my partner once, “if I decided I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex anymore for any reason, would you leave me?”

His response: “No! Why would I?”

Because sex is an important part of a healthy relationship!

His response, “But I get so many things out of our relationship. Sex is nice and I like having sex with you, but that’s not the only thing I get out of our relationship and it’s not the deciding factor of being with you.”

I specialize in sex in pregnancy and postpartum as a doula, aromatherapist, and coach. What my partner said reminded me of a study I’d been looking at: guess which couples fared well during the sexual struggles of the postpartum period? Couples whose priorities aligned. Couples that were both okay with sex being off the table for a little while. Or couples who both decided on sacrificing co-sleeping with their baby to have alone time in their bed. What mattered was that couples were on the same page, the page itself was otherwise irrelevant.

My satisfaction is high because my partner and I are on the same page. That means, we’re both happy with our relationship and when we do have sex, it’s damn good sex.

There is nothing wrong with prioritizing sex in your relationship and this will work best if your partners also prioritize sex in the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not prioritizing sex in your relationship and this will work best if your partners also don’t prioritize sex in the relationship.

When you don’t align, that’s when things can get really tough. Seeking the guidance of a couples and family therapist or sex therapist can be really helpful when the stars are not aligning for sex. Although some therapists and counselors offer sliding scales, not everyone can afford these services. Here is a list of affordable book resources that I have used so far on my personal journey through sexual healing that you may even be able to find at the library. I am currently seeking more LGBTQ+ resources pertaining to this topic as I do not identify as heterosexual or cisgendered, but these are the books I have found so far. The first book is a great read based on cisgendered women’s experiences with various life events that have changed their relationship with sex. The second book is a great resource for how to communicate effectively in relationships – however, it should be noted that the research is based off observations of monogamous heterosexual couples who are struggling with the transition into parenthood. The final book is also based on research with cisgendered women, though I strongly feel everyone would benefit from its good science and worksheet pages:

Sex After… Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes by Iris Krasnow

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

The next time someone tries to tell you that sex is an important aspect of a healthy relationship, ask yourself: who’s saying it? How does this statement benefit them? What are they trying to sell me? What are they trying to sell themselves? And finally– is sex an important aspect of relationships for me?

Because, really, that’s the answer that matters.

a short haired woman in a dark jacket with a red scarf smiles against a leafy background

Tynan Rhea works in Toronto as a doula, aromatherapist, and coach specializing in sexual and reproductive health. Tynan graduated from the University of Waterloo with a Joint Honours Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sexuality, Marriage, & Family. They received their doula training from the Revolutionary Doula Training program and their aromatherapy training with Anarres Apothecary Apprenticeship program. You can read more about them at TynanRhea.com, follow them on Instagram and Twitter (@TynanRhea) or check out their blog: queering holistic health (on her website).

This post has been featured as one of Kinkly’s Sex Stories We Love!